No friends

I too have a 'social phobia' and find it incredibly difficult to join in. I moved counties about 7 years ago to live with my OH, my daughters don't live near and up until 2 years ago I was working full time.
I am now retired but OH has another 4 years to work and I feel very lonely. I tried the U3A but our local one is huge and the groups I joined all seemed very cliquey.
I live near Southend in Essex and would love to meet up with other GNetters. I did go to one meet up in Bluewater but cannot make the meeting this week.
This thread has been a real eye opener, I think we all believe we are the only ones without friends but that is obviously not the case.

Reading these posts has made me realise how lucky I am. I have on really close friend who I see 4/5 times a week. We shop,coffee and laugh together. Twice a year we holiday abroad together leaving our hubbies at home. I can't imagine life without her. I also joined a book group 2 years ago only knowing one of the members and now I have another group of friends. I wish all of you good luck in finding friendship.

As OP said, you really do have to get out there and get stuck in-which I realise is extremely hard/impossible for some for all sorts of reasons.
I joined a local choir recently having sung with another choir further away for years. I took a deep breath and walked in, said what part I sang and I was pointed over to an area. A lady sitting there so I smiled and said is this the right row for sop's. Grumpy reply that well all the seats on this row are taken! So, deep breath, where do I get my music then? Over in that room. So off I went, on my return I stood around until an alto took pity on me and found me a seat.
Since then I have made friends there, suggested we meet up for a meal which we did, so got to know each other and can say that some of them are now friends-as well as ladies from my other choir too.
Also belong to a local church which has a community cafe so you can always go in there for reasonably priced drinks/meals and a chat.
So. . . . My point is that the world won't beat a path to your door, you have to go out and make an effort, like most things worthwhile.

My best friend is my DH, having moved around for the first 38 years of my life and being painfully shy (so is he, we looked at each other for 6 months before he spoke to me, after he'd had a few) I'm at a loss at what to say to people I've always found it hard to make friends, they never lasted though when I did make one, I think I'm boring. We've been in our current house for 19 years and only know the neighbours by sight, most have lived around here all their lives.

It's quite telling how many posters on this thread are only children, as am I. My DH and I are quite self-contained, though he still works, has lots of interaction with people at the office and doesn't feel the need for friends. I may push for us to socialise more but when it comes to the crunch he's far better at it than I am and I really struggle with a group situation. I've always found it much more comfortable to be one to one, which is not very helpful when it comes to joining a club or group activity!

Think for a lot of people, in a good marriage your husband is your best friend, mine was, after his death my very best friend died 6 years later, I had other friends that I had neglected over the years, I worked full time and spare time was spent with family. How things change. These friends I hardly saw, I see, not weekly, sometimes not monthly, but we meet up for different things at various times, not enough to fill my life with the void of my h and bf, but so important. I started walking with a group, made lots of friends, we meet once a week, go to a show or something, joined a coffee circle, friendly with everyone, but not a special friend there.My life is full because I work at it, I would love to have that lovely relationship I had with h and friend but know now I probably won't. See my sister, now and then, we can chat about most things, but we are the opposite of each othher. Not having my daughter in my life has been the worst blow, but I have learned to live round it. When we have family, friends and fulfilling job, it's hard to comprehend it all going, I certainly never did.

I have been reading these over the past days and feeling such sympathy for others who, like me are in need of friends, I think I must live in an area of the country apparently abandoned by the groups and organisations that so many people mention. No Wi no U3A no gransnet local eta. Is there anyone on here who is in South Wales who fancies a coffee or something?

Nanny27 you are one of the few who bothered to mention where you live which is what I suggested many moons ago. People cannot be helped if they do not mention that simple fact.

I also am an only child, now divorced with no family. My friends are scattered throughout the country, one in particular in Scotland. I meet up with another I have known since I was 11 years old about every 6 weeks for lunch. Telephone and email contact are great for me but I do miss the friend who moved to Berwick who would ring up and say, free for lunch tomorrow?

Well, I live on the border of South and West Yorkshire, in a little village between Wakefield and Barnsley. I have tried our local U3A and 'my personal opinion is I need to be 10 years older before that will be of value to me (and need a free bus pass)' I am 61. I find when looking on the GN local sites there is just nothing going on. I toyed with the idea of becoming a local editor, but it did feel a bit daunting as if I already know no-one and dont belong to anything I could recommend I would feel like even more of a 'Billy no mates', especially as all I could think of to begin with would be a meet up for lunch/coffee and chat. What if no-one bothered to turn up?, What if I am the only person who lives in a 10 mile radius of me. So if anyone fancies a coffee and chat around about here, let me know. By the way, as per my comment on the Invisible thread.....please, a few of you....reply, thanks in ant.

Well I'm 61 too and enjoy the company of lots of people 10+years older than me that I meet at U3A. I don't look at the age but listen to the person. We have great fun and lots of laughs.

Jane10 I agree, I meet up with at least 3 GNs monthly for coffee- I am at least 10 years older but we get along very well- age does not come into the equation.

Charleyfirl and Jane, I didnt say anything about the age of people, I stressed that I had tried MY local U3A and there was nothing that appealed to ME personally to get involved with, I dont want to make cards or knit, I would have liked to go on the free bus pass outings but as I aint got a bus pass then that would be cost prohibitive for me! Did you pick up on anything else I mentioned in post other than your imagined ageism?

It was the bit where you said it was 'not of value' to you that stung. You didn't mention that it was the activities you weren't interested in. This thread is about friends not specific activities. Your thread read as though, because local U3A participants were older, you weren't interested.
Stick with U3A - set up your own group in something you are interested in?

There could well be a very good reason that people do not say where they are. Is there anyone else out there who is wary of sharing personal details including our personal whereabouts on any internet site, even on here? And yet ........ I suppose it is the only way to make contact with potential friends. Is there a good and safe way of doing this? I have not heard of one! I am constantly being told that nternet safety is not just for children and sadly this is a reflection of our times.

Synonymous I agree you may well be traced if you live in a small village but all that people have to say is that they can reach eg Southampton or Liverpool easily. That to me is the sensible way of doing it.

Kateykrunch so it would not be of value to you to meet me at a U3A. I am more than 10 years older than you so definitely would be of little value. I know my place.

Charleyfirl, perhaps you should just actually read my post, before being so nasty, and you are right, I doubt I would wish to meet you!
All the posts on this thread are to do with having no friends, perhaps being lonely and finding it difficult to meet people. As a lot of people tend to suggest trying the U3A, I was just pointing out that I had tried it, my U3A may not be at all like your or other peoples U3A, I never mentioned anyones age, just that the activities on offer where not of interest to me at this time. It was also mentioned that it would be an idea to say where in the Country we where all based, I was joining in with the conversation probably with lots of differing age groups as well, but I am not going to restate my meaning of this again, if you cant be bothered to actually read, digest and respond appropriately, thats your problem.

Kateykrunch, I know what you mean. ....U3As can vary greatly, I've discovered through talking to friends in different parts of the country. I joined my local one and didn't like it at all. The monthly coffee morning was less coffee and more "business agenda" with different people taking it in turns "in the chair" and most of them pretending to be running ICI. One person asked the acting chairwoman something, and she said "You must address me as "Madam Chairman". I laughed thinking she was joking, but I laughed alone because she wasn't, and the person dutifully rephrased the question addressing her as "Madam Chairman".

In my working life I was PA to a director in banking and sat in endless meetings taking minutes. They were more relaxed than the U3A coffee morning ... However friends in other areas have not found the same.

I then tried their art group because I paint and wanted to learn something new, but the tutor couldn't paint as well as I can, and I'm not great, so I gave up. Any other U3A groups I fancied were full.

kateykrunch that is an unnecessarily unpleasant response to poor charleygirl. You can write something that seems clear to you but simply is not to readers who don't know what it exactly is that you are trying to say.
It's entirely possible to make online friends but wording is important. I received a great deal of support and kindness from GN people when I needed my knee replacement last year. charleygirl" was among the first and kindest. In such ways friendships are formed. No buses required!

Some of you might like to look at joining a local group of the National Women's Register.

nwr.org.uk/

I was lucky to meet with lovely women, in the Dorchester group, while I lived there.

Oh dear, that "prickly response" from kateykrunch says a lot.
It reminds me of Groucho Marx (I think) who said he would never want to belong to any club that would have him as a member !!
It is a fact of life that when we retire, the activities on offer, being designed for the retired, will attract a wide age range. I go to an education centre in Bedford for art history or literature classes and the only "qualification" for membership is that you have to be over 55. We also have members in their 80's so that is a potential span of 25 years!
You have to be open minded, friendly and not too easily rebuffed if something is not your cup of tea or somebody doesn't respond as enthusiastically to overtures of friendship. "Best friends forever" are probably not on the agenda, shared experience is often the foundation for that, so I would say don't expect more than the company of pleasant people, enjoy the activity for its own sake, not just as a vehicle for making friends, pass the time in a pleasurable way and, by not expecting too much you won't be disappointed.

Looks interesting persistent. I've met up with ladies from a breakaway group of ex HWR. They had just decided to do their own thing without being formally affiliated.
I've been doing talks to ladies groups of all sorts recently. There's something about women that draws them into friendly groups. Tea and scones seem to be a feature of them all...

All the suggestions on this thread are good however my problem is that I live in a rural area and there are no clubs here. The nearest place U3A meet is 15 miles away and meet in the evenings (driving along unlit narrow country roads at night is no fun), I did join NWR but found that all the talk was about grandchildren (I am child free) and gave up when the whole of one meeting was taken up with a member describing in graphic detail the difficulties her daughter had giving birth to twins! I have joined classes in yoga, tai chi, keep fit, walking groups etc. in the nearest town and whilst people are friendly in class - no-one was interested in going for coffee after. If, like me, you are shy and not very confident it is hard to keep walking into a strange place alone and after making an effort keep being knocked back - perhaps it is me.

I've not had much to do with U3A, but I believe their ethos is do-it-yourself - anyone can start a group, they don't have to be a tutor who knows it all, just to have an interest in something and be looking for likeminded people to join them. It isn't just a list of tutored classes.

There is no age limit, I think it is said to be for people who are past the age of school and uni/college, which is a pretty wide range, but inevitably there are a lot of retired people,(just as on Gransnet)

Among other things, the Edinburgh group have regular lunches/dinners, in various eating places. This became so popular that the group was too big and there are now several splinter groups meeting on different days.

I suppose the difficulty comes if you DON'T have any interest in anything and are in search of an external stimulus, but your local branch hasn't any readymade groups which appeal. As ever, there has to be an element of input to get any return.

Don't give up sunseeker. Keep going back to these clubs and classes. I'm sure that in time you'll gradually find that eg a Christmas lunch will be organised or a fund raising event of some sort will need volunteers and you can get more involved.
I'm trying to remember if there's anything special that I actually do when I go to a new thing. No special 'friend making' top tips I'm afraid apart from being an interested listener and smiling a lot! I suppose not appearing too keen too soon might help?
I've been going to one U3A group for a couple of years now. I enjoy it very much but we don't socialise outwith the group. However, another U3A group is much newer and already we're doing coffee meet ups. Different people different relationships somehow.
I should also say that I was very surprised but pleased, on my first aqua fit class, to be invited to their Christmas lunch! Some people are just friendlier and more outgoing than others.
Sorry to be so long winded. This topic got me thinking about something I've never consciously considered.

I have not joined my local U3A for many reasons but one thing which did attract me that several people met on a Sunday and went for lunch, a different restaurant each time. This was mainly for people like myself on their own at the weekend. I thought that it was a very good idea and if the builders ever leave this house I may well join.

I cannot drive in dusk and dark so that rules out many evening classes and WI meetings. Not all of the latter locally are run during the day.

I am not shy but I can understand it can be a bit daunting to enter a room full of strangers and nobody makes an effort to say hello.

It is an interesting discussion.