Argy Bargy madness, come right in! ??

No breakfast yet from upstairs so might have starved to death but for my old pal Ali from the kebab shop. He had seen one of lemon’s flyers and had popped in to give her one. kebab. He was shocked to find me and Little Paxo in such sad circumstances, I know now how Edward and Mrs Simpson felt when they looked through their telescope from France at the White Cliffs of Dover. Part of me longs for home, just like that unhappy couple who had nothing to do all day but count their money, sponge off other sad aristos and shop for second hand tiaras.
Ali was telling me he sent out a Deliveroo order to the palace and has it on good authority that Prince Philip himself is a fan of the Argy Bargy news and reads it every day. I think the chap Ali hands the kebabs to is a historian working on the Royal Family archives ( or the queen’s current diary using their unofficial title).
This is the same source that gave police the clue about that fiend Carillion01 and the historic debacle in Fortnums so I know it’s reliable.

More tragic news on the home front as Magoo is demanding a divorce and is entering a civil partnership with Terence his friend the taxidermist. Apparently he’s emptied everything out of our house and only left the signed photo of Vladimir Putin I bought off eBay last year. To make matters worse the High Court bailiff, Martin Luther, has nailed a repossession order to the front of our terrace, so for today at least and until evicted or barred by GN my only home is the Argy.
Ali also told me that in a bid to save money for the NHS the Health Secretary Matt Hancock has proposed revising the controversial Liverpool Care Pathway (or unrequested euthanasia as it was known locally) for all Scousers over the age of 18. (And one wonders why there are so few Tory voters in Merseyside.) I strongly suspect this was on the prompting of that disdainful old witch last seen bolting from that outdoor equipment store with the Captain
But Little Paxo and I will make the best of it and deal with our disasters with a laugh and a smile (as long as the joke’s at someone else’s expense ). We made a happy discovery this morning when I found an almost new iPhone X by my escape hole and found to my delight that the ringtone is the theme to University Challenge. Paxo is choreographing new moves to it even now holding a pencil in his little paw as he draws on the toilet paper

Hello the Argy! Just sending the promised postcard....
Lemon, ... The cricketers at the Headingly test need a mascot...??

Heartbreaking end to Police Search -

In a shocking development to a recent crime wave in the areas of both Soho and Oxford Street, ambulances have been spotted outside The Argy Bargy Club and at Kensington Barracks.
An unreliable source reported that at least two covered figures on stretchers had been removed from the Argy Bargy Club after people in full biohazard suits were seen entering the building. Another equally unreliable source said that there had been a misunderstanding and a group of pensioners from Swansea had mistakenly entered the building believing it to be Fancy Dress Night.
When asked, a police spokesman declined to give an interview with a curt ‘No comment.’

Elsewhere in the city an elderly woman threw herself under a horse being ridden by a member of the Household Cavalry and was pronounced dead at the scene. A number of people witnessed the appalling event but had refused to make any effort to resuscitate the unfortunate victim. When pressed for more information it was clear ageism had played a part in the public’s unwillingness to aid and assist as at least two men stated that if she had been fit and under 30 they would have had a go at reviving her, and others claiming they had seen wanted posters matching her description outside Harrods earlier that day and didn’t think it was worth the bother. Other excuses ranged from ‘she should have sucked a polo mint before throwing herself under the horse’ to ‘couldn’t be arsed’.
Dr Noh, the off duty medic who in fact uttered the last remark, said he’d just finished a 43 hour shift in A&E and was effectively brain dead himself. The victim was shabbily dressed and was found to have a copy of The Lady in one hand and a photograph of Des ‘O Connor in the other.
We are happy to report that the magnificent stallion, Mr Ed, that trampled the old fart to death was completely unharmed but will require re-shoeing immediately.

Enquiries continue concerning the other two victims believed to have been found dead in the men’s toilets at The Argy Bargy Club. Unconfirmed reports have stated the bodies were of the cleaner at the Club, a wanted fugitive herself, and a small pet rat she had recently acquired. Murder-suicide has been offered as a motive as it is believed the woman, thought to be Merseybelle2, had recently received news of her husband’s wish for a divorce and desire to remarry almost immediately.

The owner of the Argy Bargy, Lucretia Lemon-Grove could not be contacted for a statement but both a magician and a clown ( possibly booked for a late night show ) were seen to leave the building wearing black arm bands.
Tributes have been arriving constantly since the sad news broke and the road outside has had to be closed due to the amount of flowers, teddy bears, old chip papers and used condoms piled high on the pavements. A large packet of kebabs with a hand written card saying ‘ So sorry from Ali’ and a large card with a picture of a Range Rover with a deer on the its bonnet and ‘ Love Philip’ printed on it by a Royal lackey was also spotted.

To be continued -

Bodies at club identified -

Police have sadly confirmed tonight that the two bodies found in the toilets of the Argy Bargy were in fact those of Merseybelle2 and her pet ferret ( wrongly identified earlier as a rat ) Little Paxo.
Medical examination of both bodies are being carried out but initial findings overturn the Murder/Suicide theory earlier mooted, and are in fact consistent with food poisoning. It is believed the elderly Scouse victim had shared her last meal of a rotten kebab with the rodent. Little Paxo was found cradled in her arms clutching lavatory paper which appear to be covered in hieroglyphics. Tom Hanks has been asked to decipher these strange and incomprehensible symbols and conspiracy theories regarding the Illuminati have already surfaced on social media.
The former husband of the female victim, Valentino Achilles Bill Magoo, is making the funeral arrangements but commented off the record that he’d always hated Merseybelle2 and they could throw her on the tip for all he cared. No relatives as yet have been traced for Little Paxo but funds already donated to a recently founded charity may be used. The amount raised by crowdfunding so far has reached the staggering amount of twelve pounds fifty cents a rand a kroner and an IOU.

The police have now closed all their investigations and the club according to dear sweet lemon is OPEN FOR BUSINESS AS USUAL.

NO !!! Merseybelle2 dead ?
We're heartbroken !!! We've been laughing our socks off over the Argy. She'll be much missed in this house.
Rest in peace Merseybelle2

Oh no mercey. Say it isn't so . I will be pining for little Paxo. His little paws could do a riverdance like none I have ever seen.

Has the Argy closed out of respect for Mersey and little Paxo ?

The Argy never closes! We are like the Windmill Theatre in that respect, war, plague, floods etc we stay open.
Thanks for the postcard Carillion that’s a bit of interesting news about Headingley and I will have a think about that.?Shocking news everyone about Mersey and Paxo......but life goes on and we shall be holding a wake here this evening,
Wine, poteen, grub and songs, the whole works ( they would have wanted it! ) I know we all do.?
We need a new cleaner, I shall advertise immediately if not sooner.
Meanwhile, large brandies all round, on the house.

I have donned my black fishnets, black thigh high pvc stilletoe boots, along with my black micro mini dress in respect of Mersey and Little Paxo ????

May they find peace in the "Argy in the Sky" something that is seriously lacking in this "joint"...................what on earth is all that racket in the cellar? Does anybody have a clue what's going on down below??????

What on earth is all this nonsense?
Have people nothing better to do?

This is the Argy Bargy Bar Gabriella ( did you take a wrong turn in getting here?)?
Speaking for myself ( naturally) I have nothing better to do, although I do have more important things to so ( subtle distinction.)Cheers!

I think I can answer your question GG13 ( although please keep this under your hat) ....the other day, a rather handsome
Man came wandering in here, he said he felt a little groggy (we all do here, it’s the grog) and that he wasn’t sure who he was or where he was.I told him he was our cellarman here as Big Jim is on holiday, and he was relieved to know he had a job.He’s down there now rearranging things and cleaning up, all that he remembered was that his name is Jude.☺️
I think we’ll keep him on here and give Big Jim his marching orders.

Lemon good idea, but please can it just be you and I that have a key to the padlock, as I do not want him worn out...............just think what happened to Gorgeous George ??????‍♀️

No way gg13. That key must be shared. You always want them when they are fresh. When you have finished with them they are like limp rags. I think we should put a time limit on each session with our -toys-, friends.

Good idea gransal I shall pin a rota up in the kitchen.

Don't leave me out of the rota*Lemon*, I've time between test matches from my masseusing duties.
Should have mentioned, the cricketers are having copies of the calendar pictures which posed for with them. They're keeping August's page free hoping you'll suggest a suitable mascot costume which you'll wear at Headingly. The men from Oz say they've heard Headingly is 'the hub of the universe', they don't understand what 'God's chosen county' is.
I'm working on a phrase book for them, will report back when I have def news.

I shall have to introduce them to t’ tea ceremony when I go there, and could take them for a jaunt to Ilkley Moor ( ba’ht ‘at). The August calendar pic will be of me in the buff with a strategically placed bunch of white roses ( a big bunch!)
Eee, by gum, ah can ‘ardly wait.

I am well shocked! It appears that a few of that lot in my respectable kitchen have been popping into the Argy for high jinx and goodness only knows what else.

I'm willing to bet my last dollar on it all being the fault of lemongrove and Marydoll. The nuns at the convent where I was educated, used to often say...one bad apple in the barrel...which, naturally, was not aimed at me.

Fish net tights! Balcony bras with tassles on the nipple bits! In my day, we wore sensible clobber. I never did own a tarty number. Except for the time when I wore hot pants (the height of fashion, early 60s) to the office. It was suggested that I didn't do so in future. The lads were checked by the time and motion man and he discovered that they hadn't done a scrap of work all day long. Not my fault. Honest!

Well where IS Marydoll, I haven’t seen or heard from her in ages? Did she run off with George because he’s disappeared too? And poor old Mersy and Little Paxo, what an end. Will the talent show still be going ahead? I’ve got my costume ready and I’ve been practicing my pole dance routine. I was going to get Little Paxo to join in, to make it a duet, oh well, RIP Little Paxo.

Little Paxo would have been a great addition to your act. Those little paws moved like lightning. I have seen them in action.

At the moment Marydoll is residing in the peaceful haven that is called The Morning Thread.

Her cardiologist said that the shenanigans in the Argy are what put her in the Coronary Care Unit in the first place.

If you look in today's Good Morning thread, you will see a photo of a very contented Marydoll and Big Jim.

Marydoll is on strict orders to keep get her BP down and the Argy is not the place for doing that!

She promises she will be back at some point, so be very afraid, be very, very afraid!

Marydoll Huge, gentle (((hugs))) from me to you.

Soop, ?

It’s a lie I tell you! ?marydoll and Big Jim have been on their hols, touring Italy on the proceeds of a weeks takings from the Argy till!
Still, I don’t care as I have replaced Big Jim anyway ( he was drinking too many free beers in the cellar) we now have Jude Law ( I haven’t told him his real name) for now he is Jude The Obscure, haha, our cellarman, and very good he is too!
He has got everything ship shape and Bristol fashion in just two days, amazing, such energy, and I have further told him
That we are dating ( he looked a bit surprised at that.)