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New Grandchild

(20 Posts)
Lizzy99 Mon 26-Aug-19 14:18:24

Recently visited my newly married son aged 27 and wife aged 30, only been married 1 year. They are having my first grandchild end of oct. I am based in Blackpool , they are in Newcastle so at least 3 hours away. On a recent visit a few weeks ago was very excited to see them, as father very ill, and when got there, my son usual self, she was rude and unfriendly the whole weekend, treated me like everything too much trouble , so much so came back very upset . Have spoken today to ask when I should come up to visit new child, they are spending 1st week alone with baby, then 2nd week with her mother a whole week, son said i can come up for 3rd weekend. That is 3 weeks after birth, is it too late, should I just go up unannounced? What should I do need some help and advice with this, I am divorced and not with anyone at present and of course ex husband will need to visit with his new wife at some point. Very upset would appreciate some conversation and advice thanksx

KatyK Mon 26-Aug-19 14:21:07

Congratulations. Personally I wouldn't go unannounced. I know you will be desperate to see your grandchild but I think seeing him/her after three weeks is perfectly reasonable.

ninathenana Mon 26-Aug-19 14:30:42

Three weeks is no time at all. Of course you are excited to see your new grandchild but be patient and definitely don't arrive unexpectedly.
I and many other grans had to wait longer than 3 wks due to distance (my first grandchild was born in Germany)
It is natural for a new mum to want time with just baby and daddy and then to want her mum around.
Congratulations to you all.

wildswan16 Mon 26-Aug-19 14:33:29

That sounds reasonable to me. Remember, this is their baby and they are the new parents. Why do you think going up in 3 weeks is too late?

It is always natural that the mum wants to spend time with her own mother and family. That's just the way it often is.

I would accept the date offered - but also just offer to go up for that day, stay somewhere else etc. Show willing to make it as easy for them as possible.

stella1949 Mon 26-Aug-19 14:43:27

I'm not sure why you think it would be "too late" to visit when they baby is 3 weeks old. You need to be tactful and to visit when it suits them - they've given you a time to visit, so stick to that. You definitely shouldn't go up there before that - going unannounced would be very pushy .

As grandparents we have to accept that we are not the centre of our child's world any more - your son is a man now, and will soon be a father. His wife and child are his main priorities now , as they should be. Your role will evolve in time - so don't be pushy now or you might find yourself on the outer.

Lizzy99 Mon 26-Aug-19 15:26:55

Thanks for your message, I did not realise that 3 weeks is ok, as babies change so quickly. Will stay in a hotel so they have their space. Other issue I have is my daughter in laws mother has sent a barage of expensive designer gifts and I took up a moses basket and a couple of bits. I have not idea what I should take for the new baby. I am not working, unemployed and money is very tight. I cannot compete, please suggest what would be suitable, I do not think she would like anything I bring, the basket was expensive for me and she was not bothered, thought would be important for baby to sleep in! Feel very pushed out. Kept a close bond with son during divorce for over 20 years and feel losing him fast. Did not realise having boys meant losing your children!

Ilovecheese Mon 26-Aug-19 15:37:11

What about making a cake or some cookies to take with you?

Good idea to stay in a hotel to give them space.

Agree with others that three weeks is still very soon, the baby will still be tiny.

I would be a little bit careful about showing your feelings about your daughter in law, if your last visit was recent she must have been pregnant at the time and was perhaps just very tired or not feeling very well.

You should not lose your son, you have just lost your place in his hierarchy, now that he has a child, his child is going to come first. He will still love you.

dragonfly46 Mon 26-Aug-19 15:45:00

No do not go unannounced. We waited to see our first grandchild until MiL had been for a week, FiL for another week (they are divorced) and then little one had to go back into hospital with jaundice. It made not a scrap of difference. It was still amazing and to be honest my DS and DiL were a lot more relaxed after that time.
I also do not go loaded with expensive gifts. I ask what they would like and try to get them the things they need.

agnurse Mon 26-Aug-19 15:54:53

Food is often very much appreciated! You might see if it is possible to make a casserole or something in advance so they can heat it up.

Absolutely do not go unannounced. They've told you when they want you to visit. If you go unannounced, you're setting yourself up for problems. While it is true babies change quickly, it's also true that going a little later isn't going to mean there is never a bond between you and the baby.

Grammaretto Mon 26-Aug-19 16:00:25

It's their baby not yours. Sorry, but why the desperation?
You sound very conscious of everyone else. Just think of the mum and the baby at this time. They are who matter now. Wish for a safe delivery and a healthy baby.
Keep in touch ofcourse but wait until you are invited.
I can't remember exactly when we went to visit our first DGC. It was certainly after her parents had been and we booked into a hotel. We kept our visit as short as possible.
By the time the 2nd one arrived every one was far more relaxed.
Good luck to you.

MawB Mon 26-Aug-19 16:02:58

I certainly would not contemplate staying. And on no account turn up unannounced!
I would book in somewhere and arrange to pop in a couple of times at a time which suits them
I am sorry your DIL is so frosty, but tact and diplomacy, not to mention restraint, on your part can only do good.

Loulelady Mon 26-Aug-19 16:17:18

Her mum is going principally to look after her daughter, - who will almost certainly have stitches in her perineal area and may even have had major abdominal surgery. She is not there to have first dibs on the baby. I’m sure you agree it would be entirely reasonable for your son to have you stay to help him after intimate surgery or illness, rather than your DIL’s mother?

It’s a great idea to stay in a hotel, and as for what to take, ask her if there is anything she’d like or need. I really doubt they are unaware that you have less disposable income than her parents, or that they care. Also part of the fun for new parents can be choosing things, so if they decide say that they want primary colours for the baby and someone buys a large pastel pink item it can be a bit awkward, particularly if they don’t have a huge house to absorb everything.
In addition to a small gift for the new baby, who is oblivious, it’s always nice to get something thoughtful for the new mother. Things friends have liked include: fancy hand cream - you are forever washing your hands with a newborn; a spill-proof thermal mug with lid, - so she can actually have a warm drink.
Be careful about getting stuck in a mindset where you are constantly on the look out for slights from your DIL.
You have had a baby yourself, you must remember the maelstrom of hormones, sleep deprivation and the fierce animal love. Cut her some slack.
The baby won’t go off and the most important thing for the baby is a strong, secure bond with its primary caregiver in the first weeks and months, and that’s usually the mother.
I’m sure you’ll get cuddles, but grandparents normally come into their own once they turn into little people.
Newborns are happiest and least stressed when they are on their mother so cuddles with anyone else are not really for the baby’s benefit, later on, infants do benefit from relationships with a wider circle of people.

notanan2 Mon 26-Aug-19 16:21:40

Well gosh, being heavily pregnant in this heat WOULD make everything "too much trouble". Am not surprised shes grumpy she must be feeling very fed up now.

You have been invited up very soon after the birth. At week 3 the mum may still be bleeding and healing its still very soon, if you werent in their "inner circle" you wouldnt be invited so soon

Its a compliment not an insult

harrigran Mon 26-Aug-19 16:27:13

Do not turn up unannounced, you will ruin your relationship with your DS and DIL.
When my first GC was born she was 48 hours old when we were invited to visit, when we got to the hospital DIL's aunt had jumped the gun and arrived at the hospital to surprise her niece, DS was livid.

Newmom101 Mon 26-Aug-19 16:28:00

If you’ve been to visit recently it’s likey been during the summer, your DIL is 6-7 months pregnant at the hottest time of the year. I was that pregnant in the summer and it made me very grumpy, I remember crying because it was too hot for me to sit in the sun and everyone else could, not that I was a drama queen blush

Don’t want to repeat what all the other pp’s have said as you’ve had good advice, but don’t turn up unannounced and please don’t get into a mindset of it being a competition. You’ll only wind yourself up more than anyone else.

And a little tip, the more chilled out, not in your face family members become the most welcome visitors! Take some food when you see them, make a fuss of baby and then, offer help in a ‘if you ever need it I’m here’ way. I prefer visits from my MIL as she lets me get on with it, my mom on the other hand...

Oh and as for gifts, maybe give them an idea of budget and ask if there anything they’d like? Baby swing, play mat, baby bath etc. They may not have disliked the Moses basket but at 6-7 months may have all the major needs covered and may not want a Moses basket. I didn’t have one with DD, I had a playpen with bassinet for downstairs and a next2me crib for the in the bedroom.

Lizzy99 Mon 26-Aug-19 16:40:27

Thanks for all your good advice. I will try and take a chill pill in this heat!
As for the present, as suggested will ask what they want within a budget good suggestion.
I appreciate all your help and feel at a loss as all my friends still not had kids married, let alone grandchildren. Not easy being feeling very alone in all this,. I am so grateful that you have made me feel so alone, anyone in Blackpool would be grateful to get in touchx

crazyH Mon 26-Aug-19 16:48:32

Going unannounced ? BIG NO NO.
Three weeks is not that long . It's natural for the new mum to want her parents. She's the one who's done the hard work, so she is entitled to have her say.
My 2 sons are married, and I know for sure, my parents are always the first to know everything. Since communication is always via the girls, I know my place in the pecking order and I'm ok with it.

notanan2 Mon 26-Aug-19 16:51:55

Remember to not just focus on the baby. Its about the new mum too and how she is doing. Some nice mum to be bath soak now and new mum toiletries after (boots have both) will go a LONG way in establishing good relations.

nanaK54 Mon 26-Aug-19 16:55:51

I'm so sorry that your DIL was unkind to you and made you feel unwelcome.
Now is the time to try and 'get it right', they have told when you can visit so stick to that arrangement
I wouldn't worry too much about more gifts for the baby you have provided a moses basket, I would take some small, thoughtful gifts for the new parents
Try ever so hard not to fall into the trap of 'competitive grandparenting', don't worry about what the other granny is buying
Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy - grandchildren are the best thing ever! flowers

Loulelady Mon 26-Aug-19 17:03:05

In case it’s helpful, here are some things that seem to widen the divide between gps and the new mother, as read on here and Mumsnet:
* Only taking/ keeping photos of the baby with themselves or their son (if his parents) and omitting or even cropping out the baby’s mother grin
* unsolicited advice
* persistent comparison or commentary: “he can’t be hungry again surely!” [my mum was guilty of this as she bottle fed in the days of “satisfying” formula]“You were never like that, you went down at 7.00 and we didn’t hear a peep until 1 or 2 in the morning and then you slept until 7.30 am!”
* picking up the baby without asking, walking away with the baby and not giving him or her back straight away when asked, - nothing more frustrating than being handed your furious baby who will feed windily and be a PITA all because Aunty Tracy was bent on proving she could settle her and wouldn’t give her back when the whimpering started.
* GP not fully enjoying the time spent together because they are already angling for the next visit or fishing as to who else has visited and how often.

I was lucky with my MIL as she wasn’t massively into babies. She preferred them older. We saw them every fortnight but she didn’t take over.
Had we lived closer, my mum might have been a bit intense, but then I think she remembered how possessive she felt over her firstborn (my brother) and so she made a conscious effort to curb herself a bit. I do think she’d have been an awful MIL though had my brother not been gay and if he’d married and had children. Mum tends to see other women as competition and she’d have been a nightmare. As her daughter I get a free pass, but her DIL certainly wouldn’t have! grin