What to do about Christmas?

I don’t often post but I do follow and do hope that your husband will soon recover. As far as Christmas is concerned why not do some on line browsing while sitting with your DH? You can choose some gifts and have them delivered to someone else’s address as you are out at the hospital so much. Hopefully this will give you some pleasure. From my own experience if you approach Christmas will few expectations it will go well and soon be over.

Do what I do put on a brave face , smile and pretend you are having a wonderful time . While cooking the dinner and entertaining every one . It's work well for me for years , no one has seen through it yet . So for this year will be no different .

Desperately sad comment Buster. Why not make this year the one to say you are struggling a little?

Gillybob - I don't know your circumstances but I do hope things improve for you, not just for Christmas, but thereafter. In the meantime I shall light a candle and offer up a prayer for your family.

I agree with Conor. Let everyone else take the strain. This too will pass. Take care of yourself and Mr Gilly, who seems to be doing a little better

Gilly,
Christmas puts unrealistic demands on all of us and that can be overwhelming when we are dealing with illness or other adversities.

Years ago, when my own mother was incapacitated and confined to a nursing home, we (DH, adult children and GC) decided to take Christmas to her.

We had one gift (framed photo of all of us) which we gave to her at bedside.
After dinner and our own store bought desserts (main course courtesy of the staff), we got her out of bed and wheeled her out to the Living Room area where she could enjoy the enormous Christmas tree they had on display and where some of the aides and nurses were playing the piano and singing Christmas carols.

We spent a good part of the evening singing along, conversing with my mum and others, and the grandchildren dancing and having a wonderful time. The smile on her face was priceless! We ended the visit in order to attend the Christmas Eve Church service.

One simple gift and no gatherings or home made dinners, but 'Great Grandma's Christmas' was indeed one of our most happiest and memorable, and we still talk about it to this day.

Sending you many hugs and blessings

Oh Gilly I feel your pain but as others have said you can catch up later when your DH is home and recovering. I feel Christmas this year will be an uphill struggle. We were to go away to my DD’s but with my treatments that is not possible this year. At the weekend I sat with my daughter and we ordered the food online making everything as easy as possible. She and SiL will come here. Presents will be low key.
The important thing is just to do what you can.

I think the thing about Christmas is; that when life is good then Christmas is magical but when life is hard and we have worries in our lives it seems to compound the sadness and add to the stress we are going through.
Some years we can buy into the magic but sometimes it is impossible to do so, for whatever reason. The thing to remember is that it really is only one day - over-hyped, expensive and exhausting. No one should be made in feel they have somehow failed the spirit of Christmas if they are unable to participate fully.
Gillybob this year, let others take the strain.

Don't even think about organising Christmas this year; order gift vouchers for your grandchildren, and that is all you should do. Give your son, daughter in law and daughter plenty of notice that you are unable to do Christmas this year, and ask which one will host it. If they don't then you spend Christmas day with your husband, and use the rest of the time to rest, rest and rest, preferably at one of their houses while they look after you in return for all you have done for them.
And a lot can happen in six weeks, but you need to be there for your husband, not your adult children.

Well I have only just returned home after another exhausting day and have read every reply. Thank you all so much for your wisdom (as ever).

Of course little Evie won’t mind a low key Christmas why should she ? She’s only 18 months old but DH and I were so looking forward to this Christmas with her and our DD .

Our older DGC are 13,11 and 9 and will expect Christmas Day as usual but they have arranged to have dinner with my DDiL’s parents who will be spending it at home this year. (Lucky ducks are normally somewhere very exotic).

I may be looking on the pessimistic side and I know there are still a few weeks to go, but I can’t imagine that my DH will be home by Christmas (probably won’t even know it is Christmas) and I honestly don’t know how I will manage to go through the motions, but I suppose I will have to try.

I would hate the idea of my dad and my sister sitting alone having dinner (my sisters long term boyfriend will be away this year) and I really can’t bear the idea of my lovely daughter and my precious little Evie sitting alone either, so I suppose I will have to try and cobble something together no matter what. My DD’s house is like a little shoe box so there’s no way she could host.

I think I will talk this over with DD tomorrow and maybe we could arrange an earlier than usual lunch and then I will leave them to it and go to the hospital ??

I don’t know why writing this is making me feel so sad and tearful but it is .

Thank you all again xx

Christmas/Schistmas. Unless a committed Christan, Christmas is really only a commercial opportunity, enjoyable 'though it can be.

I would cancel Christmas this year unless your daughter feels able to take over. Your daughter is probably as upset as are you so if possible, postpone Christmas until happier times.

My daughter is absolutely devastated Candelle . Although not her biological father this wonderful man is the only father she can remember and they dote on each other. None of us ever dreamed she would ever have a child of her own and our little Evie was the best surprise ever.

Gilly I am so sorry to hear all this. Life wasn’t exactly a bed of roses before ...
Could DD host in your home as hers is so small - my DD’s is the same so I can understand that. Maybe she and Evie could stay over for a few days?
I wish you all the very best.

One a patient start to respond it can be surprising what stride ( (metaphorically) they can make so he may be home.. Obviously this is still an unknown quantity but I would counsel not letting Christmas “arrangements” prey on your mind. Yes it is a time for families to be together but it is just a day. I was touched by how all the patients on Paw’s ward were given a present from “Santa” a striped fleece throw and how the staff did their best for their patients. Given the multi- cultural demographic of the Royal Free (Hampstead, a high proportion of Jewish residents) they made much of Christmas (as indeed probably Hanukkah or Eid ) Paw had an orthodox rabbi in his ward and again I was impressed by the respect shown to him and care of the ward sister- who wore a muslim scarf. Dont despair.

could you all share the Christmas dinner? Previous years we all shared the providing of Christmas dinner relieving the burden. We all used to gather at my elderly mother's large house, bringing prepared veg just to cook , a cooked
ham, puddings ,mince pies and all the stuffings etc . One present for adults from secret Santa and just gifts for the children . It all worked very well. Maybe Gilly let others sort it this year and just join in if you feel up to it . Or ignore it altogether , everyone will understand
This year it's all change ! My mum has died ,large house sold so no gathering there .
I am also in a similar situation as my DH is very poorly in hospital and although he will be home ( fingers crossed) by Christmas, our plan to go to Portugal for Christmas with our DD and family has been cancelled . They are still going as all booked . DS and family will stay at home and have Christmas with DiL widowed father as usual ( we usually see them in the morning with everyone ) My sister will stay at home with husband and her teenage children and my single brother will be with them .
We will stay at home and probably have soup and ice cream as DH can only have semi liquids . I will miss them all but
sh-t happens sadly .

Gilly, your best gift is going to be further improvement in your DH's condition. After that, you also need some wind down time and what would be better than time with your DD and Evie? Someone mentioned them moving into your home for a few days and that would be so good for you not to be home alone when not at the hospital. Your DH may not even be at the hospital by then! We're still praying for him here you know.

Ask your DD to sit with you and plan Christmas day and order it online and have it delivered to your house. Ask your DD what she would like for Evie and I'm sure she's not expecting you to do everything you usually do. Then just take it easy and concentrate on being with your DH and spending time together. Hugs! I reckon you could use a few!

I'm sorry that I don't know your situation either. Just an idea but can you all afford to book a table for a Christmas dinner at a local pub/restaurant.
It is expensive I know but there's the bonus of no cooking or washing up and then you could spend the rest of the day with your husband.
My wish for you is that your wish comes true and husband will be home for Christmas.
Take one day at a time. xx

gillybob, I had no idea that your DH was ill. I'm so sorry to hear this.
You have always been the mainstay of your family and such a strong support to everyone. Christmas will come and your DD and wee Evie will be just fine. Try and take it as it comes. Nothing big and special has to happen just for this one day. No-one will expect anything from you, and they won't want you to be going under with the stress of everything.
Sending you a warm hug and hoping that your DH makes a steady recovery. Xx

Does the idea of your daughter and baby Evie hosting at your house seem a good idea? It does to me gillybob

Evie won’t be aware too much either way, your sister could help her and pick up your dad on the way over. Just ask them to sort it out themselves this year. They’ll cope.

You could sit and eat with them then disappear to the hospital, knowing that the 4 of them are together at yours, doing the washing up but being together.

x

The idea of my DD and little Evie staying with me seems perfect but she has a mad adopted, (well dumped on her really) dog that she couldn’t leave. Not sure I could bear to have it staying here.

Neither my sister nor my DD drive (hence how I get the running around for him) so I would still have to pick my dad up, which we do every year anyway.

I am sure we will muddle through together some how. I just want it to be nice for my sweet baby girl. Nothing more .

And yes the only present I could ever wish for would be to have my DH back home .

It'll all come together Gillybob, you'll see. By Christmas DH might well be without all the wires and tubes and and sitting up talking. Fingers crossed.

Perhaps just send off for some little presents for Evie and get them wrapped up. That might ease your mind a little bit. x

Neither my sister nor my DD drive (hence how I get the running around for him) so I would still have to pick my dad up, which we do every year anyway
Just a thought Gillybob - mini cab or Uber if licensed in your area.
You really must let your sister be responsible for your dad, it is more than her “turn”. You have other priorities at the moment.

gillybob I had missed your posts and hadn't realised your DH was poorly.

No advice for Christmas but just wanted to say how sorry I was to hear your news and to give you all good wishes for the future

Christmas prep should be the last thing on your mind gilly, I would expect the family to have reassured you by now that your only concern should be DH.
If we don't host or arrange meal out it doesn't happen, usual story of having the roomiest house blah blah despite the fact that my DH is 75 at Christmas and sick. Once through the front door they are teenagers again.
I have sent a message to a friend and told her I won't be celebrating in the usual way and present shopping is low on my list of priorities she came back and said we could still do meal out, she completely missed the point, I am struggling to keep all the balls in the air without having to arrange another social occasion.

Harrigran sometimes people can be very obtuse. If friends insist on a meal out I always suggest January or February anyway as they are such dreary months.
Years ago when Paw had been made redundant I dreaded ringing round my friends -for whose children I used o buy presents- to tell them I was cutting right back.
One friend admitted she was so grateful I had spoken out first as her H had had to give up work because of kidney cancer and they were going to be struggling too.
As for hosting - fair enough, you have the space and it is lovely to have the family together but why can’t the others do the work for you? Or scale things down to a quiet Christmas Day for the two of you and a family buffet on Boxing Day with a list of suggested contributions to tick.