Messy House

@SirChenjin I was intrigued by the house crammed with dudes, I was going to ask for the story behind that

Very judgemental to call a home you've not seen a hovel. Sorry, it's not a nice thing to say. A d psychoanalysing from afar based on just a few sentences, how professional is that. My late til used to do that to me, and he got it all wrong, but wouldn't have any of it so face up with the truth. I realised eventually that it seemed to be projection on his part, from things he said about his upbringing, nothing to do with tidiness mind, but since then I've taken such behaviour with a pinch of salt and reckoned it said more about the person doing it than the person spoken about. Tidiness can be pathological too I think. My brother drives mum and me mad moving things around for tidiness sake, supposedly, but ends up causing chaos as no k e can find where he's out things, unnecessary as really things were not untidy in the first place, he throws things away too without asking, and hides things, not sure if his motivation, but some of it is gaslighting I'm sure.
If you don't want to visit a messy friend don't, meet up elsewhere, or invite her to yours.
Please don't take it upon yourself to get rid of things. An old couple I used to visit were dreadfully upset when their children three away some of their mementos. What really upset them was when they tflhree away a map which they had marked places they visited and they enjoyed Fermi having a out past bolidays. Took up hardly any space at all, that was so thoughtless of them.
A friend's partner kept cider bottles as mementos, she tried to get him to just keep the labels, but no, needed the bottles too, all of them not just a sample one if each brew. I'd find that hard to cope with.
One thing that bugs me is partially used bottles or packets of things, so when children were at home I'd decent the final few inches into one bottle of the same, eg shampoo, body wash etc. Once that was done there was much more room in the bathroom. But I'd not do it at anyone else's. Don't anyone be passive aggressive either with a Marie Kondo book. Others might see faults in you that you don't see yourself, would you like a friend to give you a fat fighters cook book, .mouthwash or deodorant as a pressie. Obviously if you suspect friend is being abused it might be a kindness to give them the freedom program book,

Is it a large family?...are there too many pets and/or small children living in the house? Does she work full time? Does she have ADD? A long commute from work perhaps?

Sometimes there just aren't enough hours in the day to fulfill all the demands of a busy life. It's more likely that she doesn't notice the clutter and is happy with her life. So, be supportive but only if she asks for your help. The rest of the time, look the other way and try not to be overly judgmental.

If she's unhappy, your visits and an occasional glass of wine, could be the respite she needs to cope with everything else.

I think my house is generally fairly clean, and I like it to be tidy, and things to be put away, but I have a lot of things which I find comforting, hundreds of book, dozens of framed photos, lots of my crocheted throws.

My friend who is a minimalist can’t stand it, I don’t take any offence at all, because we’re all different. I’m not keen on spending too much time at my messy friends house, but I wouldn’t say anything, other than, where shall I dump this, so I can sit down?

What right do we to judge others standards, has she ever said she things about your house. If you value friendship you will know its what is in the heart that counts. Dont look at the place look at the person within it and the love they have bestowed upon you for years. It does help.

Prior to retiring, I worked in a large, new building divided into 45 flats. People gradually moved in, happy to have a lovely, new home. A year later, some of those homes didn't look so lovely. But they were their homes, and we respected their rights to live exactly as they chose in their homes.

That's annoying, but not your issue nor is it your home. My sister-in-law has three kids over the age of 10 and they lived in a huge mess for a long time but were pretty organized with linens and clothes. I was pretty uncomfortable there and didn't know where to sit at times. She was always relaxed and happy...But my house is pretty spotless most of the time and I'm more uptight than her! Studies show that the similarities in the tolerance of mess dictates how happy couples will be in relationships. To each their own. Don't give her a marie kondo book.

Sounds like my dear Mum. She lived in utter chaos but she was happy!
My own husband is very untidy, if he sees an empty surface he fills it but I think I’d rather live with his mess than in a tidy house on my own.

Funny how we change... I think I was messy as a teenager then had children and it was a case of forever picking up after them and their toys. As teenagers it was similar..forever tidying up. Fast forward 10 years and just me and my husband... lovely and tidy... another 10 years and we often have our three granddaughters so it starts again picking up and tidying. I love having the children but I love the calm of a clean and tidy house when they go.

Her house, her life, back off.
Let her enjoy her clutter unless she asks for help in some way.

One reason I don't invite people to my house is fear of being judged for having a lot of clutter about!

Can a house be “messy” and “spotlessly clean” at the same time? I don’t think so,

I don't think anyone has the right to criticise the state of another's home. I'm a messy dyslexic my wife is a logical tiedier, I ha 've to modify my behavior, somewhat, to keep her sane and she has had to modify around me so that I can tolerate being organised. Neither of us carry our behaviours or standards outside our home and work places, it is not our right to do so.

Offer a helping hand, I was your friend at one stage, everything seemed so much to deal with and all I did was shop for everything and nothing, I could see I needed help but was embarrassed, now its clean and tidy it helps my head stay focused and healthy. !! be a friend and offer just say need a hand with ironing or keeping the clothes or putting stuff in the cupboard - believe me it helps a lot.

My friends have desribed my house as 'untidy' and said they're happy with it that way, which is just as well because if they made it sound like a criticism I'd tell them not to bother coming round again.
You know your friend well so you know whether or not she'd be offended by offers of help (personally I would), but I think the better option is to just accept the friend the way she is, if she hasn't said anything about wishing things were tidier then I think she's probably perfectly content with the way she's living.

People live as they want ….something that the coroner brought home to me when my lovely brother was found dead of natural causes at home on his own ! He hoarded thousands of books, papers, records, you name it, he had it ….3 drawers full of socks (all new, still with labels on) kitchen cupboard full of Weetabix and coffee ….and the fridge and freezer packed with biscuits (not switched on !) I was embarrassed for him ...but the coroner said IT WAS HIS …..HIS ...LIFE AND THAT IS HOW HE CHOSE TO LIVE IT....not everyone has that chance so PLEASE, whilst your friend is alive, just let her get on with her life and don't try to change her unless she asks for help ! If you see rats or mice, that is a whole other problem of course and needs attention !

I wish I was like your friend rather than having to be neat and tidy. I too find untidy people much more relaxed. Leave her alone unless she tells you she hates the clutter. Then you can offer to help.

I hate clutter and clear out all the time. But I’m a bit minimal on the cleaning. Do the bare minimum. It’s so boring!!

Message deleted by Gransnet

Haha

I don't have people round, but if a 'friend' gave me Marie Kondo's book I'd never be able to face them again.

@TommyWolf - perhaps you are new here but your post doesn't address Lyndiloo's opening post at all!

In fact I'm not sure that Gransnet is the correct place for your post at all!

I wish you well.

I'm intrigued by the Horsemeat Disco....

Oh dear you sound a very nice man Tommy but I think you’ve wandered onto the wrong site and into the wrong thread and won’t get too many offers from any of these feisty grans
Good luck in you quest for a new man and enjoy your Sunday night at the Horsemeat (is there really a place with that name or is someone having a laugh here) ????

Dear Mr Wolf or Tommy if you prefer,
You seem to be a wolf in sheep's clothing who has accidently wandered into the Ladies loo to discuss 'Messy Houses'. This may have something to do with the presence of the horses, their meat or perhaps the artfully strewn orange peel. Who knows?

Most of the raging on Gransnet is due to the gnashing of teeth - our own or someone else's. Depends on whose were in the glass. We tend to be in bed in our flannelette nighties with a 'hottie' (now don't get excited it's aka a hot water bottle) by 11.10 on a Sunday night.

Hope you have a great night and are fit and fine for that two hour gym session tomorrow.
Love,
Grans