Messy House

Yes chewbacca,i too had a friend similar,her living room was cluttered but clean, but the rest was a 'bit dubious' as she had about 5 cats too,but she was a warm,funny,lovely true friend,who would never leave you stranded if you needed help or a sofa for the night.we had some great nights out together and marvellous times.But she died suddenly about 6 years ago and i still miss her dreadfully i think thats when i started to get a bit 'cluttery' too as i realised lifes too short to be constantly tidying when you can make time to do other things.

I agree witchypoo,i have no more cupboard space for my clutter and cant buy more cupboards,& apart from kitchen walls,theres no actual space for more cupboards in my house,i too have a cleaner now,who cleans all floors,dusts,etc,but the things ive no room for she does under/ round,puts them back.

Don't go then, crystaltipps

I like to think my house sits on some imaginary line, halfway between "cluttered" and "pristine" but its state of tidiness is nobody else's business. Those who don't like it needn't come again and anybody who offered to "help me" to tidy up would not be invited again!

I know exactly what you mean Cleopanda, i once had my oldest grandaughter to stay,and at end of day i said "come on lets tidy up now"- she replied " why,who's coming?"- i think her mum,my eldest daughter,must take after me

Oh, please don't come and visit me on my boat! You should see my bathroom! The shower cubicle houses a twin tub washing machine, dirty laundry basket, a bucket, a tall, plastic container that has our clean towels stored in, a mop and the dog's drinking water bowl - all of which has to be removed and temporarily relocated by the side of our bed when we need to use the shower (dog's drinking bowl goes in the wash basin). Under the wash basin is a box containing my equestrian body protector and a riding hat. Behind the door between bedroom and bathroom are a couple of sheets of ply for jobs that DH has yet to do (have to be stored inside to keep perfectly dry). My kitchen worktops are a bit of a jumble too, I have a DH who puts things down where ever he happens to be, so there are screwdrivers, torches and goodness knows what else nestling up against the bread bin. If we want to take the boat anywhere, we first have to clear off the back deck in order to get at the tiller, but where would we put the sacks of coal, nets of logs and the kit that we use for transferring our diesel from the containers into the fuel tank? Oh, the shame!

Nobody on their death bed ever said "I wished I had cleaned and tidied more" , a messy house usually means the person living there has better, more interesting or important things to do than tidying.

The problem with KonMari is that all my tat and trash DOES spark joy...

So I keep it very organised!

One of the Mums from the school gate heard that DS had joined the cubs. She suggested I come back for coffee and she would find her sons no longer used cub cap for me. She was Scandinavian and I assumed she lived in a sparkling IKEA type home but couldn’t have been more wrong! However she started delving through one pile of clutter throwing stuff aside and there was the cub cap that hadn’t been worn for three years.

My stepmother was notorious for emptying an ashtray each time the ash was flicked into it and straightening the cushion behind the smoker as they leaned forward. One of her friends suggested she tried to resist this behaviour when she married my Dad and I think she tried.

My SIL says herself that she was an obsessive cleaner (thought a neighbour was dirty because she went weeks without washing the living room curtains)! However when I was drying up once she told me just to put things away where I could find space and that was what she obviously did. I am probably way down the scale in comparison but do have shelves for crockery, a place for saucepans etc.

Everyone has different experiences and different standards but offering to help tidy would quite possibly end a friendship so I would only offer if she says something that implies she would welcome help.

Sorry to disagree with some sentiments here about untidy people being warmer and nicer than tidy people - that's simply a value judgment, and there's no empirical evidence for that whatsoever, so let's not be fooled about this. Let's also not be fooled by the idea that one can be untidy to the extent that carrier bags remain on the kitchen floor presumably from one 'wine night' to another, and that socks and jewellery remain on the work surfaces, and also be spotlessly clean - that's just not possible. If carrier bags are not moved - and this is a clear sign of hoarding although without seeing this person's house I couldn't say definitely if there is evidence of hoarding, then there's dust at least around them, and eventually fungus.
I'm sure some people are already cringing now at my suggestion but as a psychotherapist I know that this type of overly untidy behaviour is a defence mechanism, just as is the overly tidy behaviour - it's masking anxiety about something that may be too hard to speak of. Personally, I would 'share' a worry about yourself, say something to your friend along the lines of "I really need to get tidying up before Christmas (or whatever) - I've been so busy socialising recently that I've let things slide and I keep forgetting where I've put things because it's all a bit confused" - share this personal vulnerability even though it's not true and you might get your friend to say something about her own attitude towards clutter and the house she lives in - Do not under any circumstances by her a book about decluttering because you are then making a value judgement about her and she may throw it back at you. And do not offer to help her tidy up. Be a friend. Maybe next time you have a 'wine night' and she's relaxed you could say you have a couple of days planned getting on top of things at home and you might get her to feel relaxed in talking about herself - although she may not even perceive her untidiness as a problem, and it may, as others have said, not be of her making, and by the way, aren't downstairs loos the place where one does store the mop, and crates of water/wine if you have no designated space?

I'm a self-confessed slob. The former storage space in the 'cellar' - ie a former coal cellar in a previous existence as a miner's cottage - has been covered to create a space which can still accommodate my freezer and some cleaning products. I have still to dispose of a number of items either to the tip or the charity shop or the shed. Meanwhile, there are baskets, boxes and bags, some outside, others in the kitchen, a trip hazard! I have a bad habit of stuffing papers into various drawers - if clutter isn't visible is it still clutter?
If anyone gave me a Marie Kondo book for Christmas they would be told - not very politely - where to put it.

This thread made me smile. Our house is clean and generally clutter free. OH is extremely tidy his "personal spaces", garage and office , are maintained with military precision. His sisters house on the other hand , although clean, is the exact opposite. Their dining room is never used as it has been taken over by mounds of black bags full of stuff, can't really see the furniture !
Over the years it has become a running joke between my family as to whether this time when we visit the ironing board will have found it's way back to the cupboard or still be a shelf !!
We love them dearly just find it amusing. We would never dream of making any comment - none of our business.

Lyndiloo Do you go to judge her housekeeping or to spend time with your friend?
If it really concerns you, why don’t you meet her outside, coffee shop perhaps?
Personally, I would not recommend suggesting you help tidy up. You could even lose your friend that way, unless you know her well enough to know she would welcome it.

If anyone gave me a Marie Kondo book for Christmas they would be told - not very politely - where to put it

I had to laugh at the (barking) presumption of some responses though - report to SS as a health hazard? Pretend to “trip” to show the dangers? Find out what psychological issues the friend has which prevent her from “moving on”?
The one about the Marie Kondo Book has to be the most bonkers

Sounds like my home. It is DH who is the guilty one- he is a nightmare- leaves everything where it falls!! I do my best but at times I just think Oh Sod it!! That is usually when someone calls in unexpectedly!
We have 4 cats so it is always hoovered & work surfaces clean- it's just the mess he leaves everywhere.
Eventually I gather it all up & pile it on his side of the bed so he has to do something before he can get in- usually finishes up on the floor.

Look at it this way, do you go to visit your friend or her house?

My next door neighbour is like this. She’s lovely and they’re great neighbours which is what’s important but oh my word - the mess is unbelievable. They live in the same size of house as us but it looks about half the size with all the stuff - bikes in the kitchen, every single work surface crammed with dudes and crap, a dining table that they can’t eat off because it’s piled high. Their kids live in utter chaos, it’s quite shocking actually. They’re not short of money at all (family money) and they both work part tome so plenty of time to tidy up, they’re just not interested.

A bit of family clutter is one thing but when your house could be the subject of a TV documentary then that’s quite another level of mess.

Stuff not dudes

I have been fortunate in my life to have lots of friends
Two of, all these friends, had very messy houses. Bins never emptied, stuff everywhere.
BOth of them, were,the kindest,unselfish and loving women anyone could ever wish for.
They would both, drop everything to help a neighbour or friend out.
Maybe that was why they never got around to tidying the mess. I would sometimes leave a few pens around,as they could never find any. Occasionally,discretely,take stair items upstairs, or little things that would probably be unnoticed.

Providing I am not concerned about drinking out of her cups I would mind own business!

I think it is intrusive, however “discreet” to take somebody else’s “stuff upstairs”
Wouldn't be invited back to my house.

It really is nothing to do with you how she chooses to live. Grin and bare it, or don’t go round.

Not everyone lives in a large house. Some live in a house with more stuff than places to put it. You could comment about a new storage unit you have seen and how useful it would be. See if your friend sounds interested or not. If your friend is happy to live there like it you should accept her house is her own and she can hove it anyway she wishes. When my children were small I used to have a friend who had a show home she lived in but the children had toys but were not allowed to play with more than one toy at a time. I felt uncomfortable there.

Just thinking about this post and wondering how many ppl actually go round to friends houses and find fault of how they live. This particular lady is obviously oblivious to what you think. But you are happy to drink her wine. Hmm. Like someone else had mentioned in an earlier post, I think if she got wind of how you feel then with a bit of luck you’d be first off the premises

It’s hard not to take note of a house that’s so messy it could be on the kind of program that Kim and Aggie used to present. If you’re not naturally messy and used to living in a tip it can be a bit to go into a house like that (and vice versa of course).