If you’ve gone through feeling unmotivated, lonely, depressed, sad...

Washerwoman, I'm up but not dressed (too much time on my hands) and I, too, appreciate my little dog so much. She gets me up to let her out and feed her. Soon, she'll be expecting her first long walk of the day. No way would I get wrapped up and go out in this weather if I weren't nagged by her!

Greymar, routine is a double-edged sword, something I seem to need yet really fight against and resent. The 'sameness' I find so tiresome. I try to mix things up. I can waste hours on mundane stuff 'keeping busy'.

OK, the dog gets walked, sink and loo get cleaned, the dishwasher and washing machine loaded, I tidy up a bit, maybe hoover a room. It leaves me feeling less guilty - but utterly depressed that the entire morning has somehow disappeared just 'maintaining'(not achieving) - what a waste!

Carbonated, you've made me realise that a challenge with a deadline is what's missing.

I used to be up at five, walk the dog, breakfast, shower and be at the station by 8 am. I'd do community teaching in libraries and village halls, teaching 'oldies' internet, email and genealogy skills. We'd have a tea/biscuit/chat break too. Where did I go? Now I'm an 'oldie'!

I find myself wanting to reply to each post as there is so much I identify with, so many good ideas and several things about my situation that I understand better but it's 1 a.m. here in California so I'm off to bed. It's been a busy day. I have a refrigerator coming bright and early in the morning (my old, 35-year old Kenmore bit the dust) and then I hope to curl up with a hot cup of coffee and re-read these and respond more. Thanks SO much for making this such a helpful and thoughtful thread. It's what I'd hoped for on Gransnet.

Thank you for this thread gmarie.
I find it hard, just living some days.
After caring for DH, the constant exhaustion and worry. Watching him just die a bit more every day. I was a hollow husk when he died.
Two years on and time is healing me. Bad days are terrible, really bad but there are days in between now.
Pets do help. One of my beloved cats is reaching the end, after a life well lived so I am going to book a coach holiday when she dies. I am not well travelled but I want to go to Bath and Rye.
Having something to look forward to makes a huge difference.
Days of worrying about little things are over. Things don’t worry about us, do they ?
Housework has to be done. At least now I do it when I’m in the mood and if surfaces are dusty only I see it. Can’t bear to leave the washing up, I feel like a slattern.
Routine reminds me of work and the demands of caring. Horses for courses and all that. Not for me.
It’s an effort to make a meal for one some days. But I do. And finances allowing, something I really fancy. That makes a big difference. Personal care like hairdos and a facepack lift my spirits no end.
Enough now. Weepy ! Lovely kindness here, thank you ?

Hetty and feeling appreciated. And valued. Making a difference. That’s gone now, for me. I was a Bibliotherapist for 10 years before I gave up. Sounds a similar set up to your work. The coffee breaks were lovely.

I do wonder why we all feel so guilty? That feeling that we ‘should’ be doing something useful? I even feel guilty if I settle down to read a book!
Anyone have any words of wisdom on this point ?

I blame my mother curvygran. It was always 'Make yourself useful' along with 'Count your blessings' and 'Worse things happen at sea' (I still have no idea what).

I think it's rooted in not really liking myself, feeling a failure, thinking I should be doing so much more - and better. I have always felt that way.

I was constantly criticised as a child by Mum, yet adored by Dad (which saved me). Family and friends don't see me as a failure at all. They are full of love and admiration for me. No wonder I'm so happy when they're around.

I suppose QuaintIrene, the feeling appreciated/valued and making a difference are in short supply. I need more!

I think you have a very good point there, Hetty58. My mum was a perfectionist and as the eldest daughter I think More was expected of me than my younger siblings . It’s only in the last few years that I’ve been able to shake loose of those expectations, and feel ‘good enough’ .
You’re also right about feeling most happy when children are around, for the very reasons you give- feeling needed and appreciated. 2 of my 3 boys live in Australia so sadly I see them rarely, but when I do it’s absolutely wonderful ! All is right with the world until the dreaded departures and goodbyes.
Sorry, have gone a bit ‘off piste’ from the original thread ....

Have a look on you tube at some of the inner mammal information.The brain needs a challenge to fire up the dopamine. What she says about the monkey reaching for the mango.

Thanks *Rufus2 *laughter is the best medicine at any time of year

Greymar - I mean 'disappear', the word Grannybuy used. And like many grans DH isn't able to do anything. He has had mental illness for pretty well all of our marriage, has Type 2 diabetes, other related health issues, can't walk far, could not possibly do any shopping, not able mix socially, shaky on his feet and has had a number of falls so I do everything. It would be lovely to have a partner to share jobs with but he didn't enjoy painting and decorating, nor gardening. He's also in pain from his partial hip replacement following a fall last year. But on the other hand I'm in the U3A and since I retired have far more friends to meet for coffee but even so, sometimes I think I can't be bothered to meet them. And the DDs are wonderful. They are best friends and together we're like sisters.

OK, Sometimes when people say they want to disappear, they feel hopeless and worthless.

Eglantine21 oh that's wonderful! I'd be right there with you. I have the gear, just not the dosh. You're so lucky. But I do my little bits that I can. If I could get off this island....

I am also suffering from an attack of the black dog! and struggle with motivation and loss of my Joie de vivre
It’s 18 months since I had cancer and then nearly died of sepsis. It threw my life into turmoil. I spent 2 months in hospital and was virtually bed ridden for another 4 months, I suffer from the after effects still,and have had to put my house on the market due to my health and have had to move towns!
I am struggling with all the changes and with the loss of the life I had before I got ill. I miss my job (working remotely isn’t the same) I have had to take a pay cut, I miss my friends and feel unvalued except as an on demand baby sitter/ housekeeper for my AC.
I hate the cold and the rain, am fed up with the stress of managing on a (now) strained budget, and long to be able to reset my life.
I love the idea of using the spare money from my house to go travelling but I am not yet near retirement age, and the AC expect me to help with daily child care duties so I can’t see it as a realistic option.
I would love to get my mojo back but I sometimes find it a struggle to cook a meal ( and I love cooking!) I will definitely give the vit D Spray a go and am thinking of a light therapy lamp, what I really need is a couple of months in the sun ?

Oh sorry to hear all that Jenpax.No wonder you feel knocked for six.Our DD had sepsis last year and fortunately only needs a week in hospital but it left her feeling very jittery and anxious for a long time afterwards. It's hard isn't it to find a balance between helping our DCs with childcare and getting on with the next phase of our lives.Helping every day seems a massive commitment.And a lot to expect.Have you tried to explain to your family just how low you feel,and that you need looking after too?

Jenpax, hope things improve for you, you deserve it.?

I don't have any answers but I really appreciate this thread and many of the replies. I didn't expect the difficulties I've had settling into a new area and making friends. I also didn't expect general fatigue and mild illness and physical problems to mean that I couldn't do some of the things I had planned. It's frightening seeing the years slip by and knowing I need to focus on the things I really want. I've found U3A and the WI brilliant but it certainly takes more energy than I sometimes have to get up and go out of the door.

You've all given so many great examples of the ways you've moved forward - travel, piano, lunches with friends, good sleep, joining groups and classes, sewing, yoga, walks, Pilates, Aqua, pets, "cba", etc.! I am hoping to get to some similar things again - sooner rather than later. The only way I can think of to describe what I'm experiencing is that I'm on one side of a canyon and everything I want to do, or feel I should do, is on the other side and I can't get there.

A lot of suggestions were made to explain lack of motivation, fatigue and sadness: illness or injury, burn out, menopause, getting older, winter blues, being alone, being overwhelmed with responsibilities, loss of purpose after retirement, grief. We should all give ourselves credit that we're still standing and persevering!

I felt I was starting to get a handle on several of these things when Dad died. Your kind thoughts felt like "permission" not to be at 100%. I know we've all had to deal with losses, but I can't seem to grasp the fact that someone who meant so much to me and who was so present in my life is no longer on this Earth. I'm sure I'll get there.

I'm thinking the answer will be for me to "just get started". Hopefully it will be sort of like priming a pump and I won't feel so stuck. It actually helped just typing it up on here and reading all of your thoughts. Isn't it funny how just not feeling so alone in something can make such a difference? Does anyone think it would help to have a thread (or even continue this one) where we could share small goals, our progress on them, and more tips and ideas?

Kwest, I take Sumatriptan and Rizatriptan (dissolves under tongue) and, yes, they are nothing short of miraculous in my book! If I take one soon enough it makes all the difference. Nothing else ever came close. I have dramatically fewer full blown days where I'm in bed (I'm sure you know those - total darkness, no sound, no movement, etc.) and just one or two trips to the hospital a year now.

That would be great gmarie. It's really helped my focus just writing down my thoughts and reading other replies. I need to kick myself up the backside now!

Re/ routines, I can't quite decide whether or not I want them. So much of life before retirement was routinized and stressful that I find I balk at being roped into anything. On the other hand, the days just speed by leaving me, as Hetty58 mentions, feeling utterly depressed that the entire morning has somehow disappeared just 'maintaining'(not achieving). Or, even worse, they disappear into a black hole as I watch YouTube and read the news...

And now I've done it again and stayed up until 2:30... Off to bed...

I think a mixture of routine and free time works well. I have 3 morning committments which force me to be up and out. The days with no focus seem an attractive proposition, but can sort of collapse.

Rufus Thank you for making me laugh it feels good