Let's see if we can make each other laugh

Transatlantic flight.
Captain we've lost one engine and are losing height. We need to lose weight. Will someone please make the supreme sacrifice, please.
A retired colnel got up, opened the door, said "god save the Queen" and leapt out. The captain acme on again and said,"We've lost another engine, Will someone please make the supreme sacrifice"
A Frenchman stood up, said "Vive la France" and leapt out.
The captain came on a gain and said, "We've lost the third engine" Before he could finish a burly Texan got up, said "Remember the Alamo" and threw out two Mexicans.

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”

The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”

Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.

Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”

The teacher sat down and cried.

My Grandfather always spoke fondly of being able to leave all the doors open when he was a lad,

probably explains why his submarine sank.

I asked my DH to pass me the lip balm, unfortunately he gave me superglue by mistake.

I’m still not speaking to him......

Film review by TV critic!

"I do wish, however, that we hadn’t needed to see her jogging along the shingle beach and generally making efforts to keep fit. It always annoys me, the elderly taking exercise. What’s the point? The months or years gained will only be spent staring into space in a care home. They should be setting an example, smoking and drinking, not watching their weight."

Had my neighbour hammering on my front door this morning at 2.30am.
Fortunately I was still up playing my bagpipes.

Give a man a shirt, and he'll wear it once
Tell a man he looks good in it, and he'll wear it for a lifetime.

THERE ARE FACTS AND THEN THERE ARE ABSOLUTE FACTS

* -- When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison!

* -- To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

* -- When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

* -- I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

* -- I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

* -- Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

* -- If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say "Did you bring the money?"

* -- When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

* -- Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 is new midnight.

* -- I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

* -- I run like the winded.

* -- I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning, and I don't know whose side I'm on.

* -- When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"

* -- When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

* -- I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

* -- When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."

* -- It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

* -- Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.

* -- That moment when you walk into a spider web and very suddenly it turns you into a karate master.

* -- Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

* -- The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

Brilliant - keep them going folks - we all need a smaile!

Dave Allen
First Day at School.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=YQ3dL5tJx6M

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her 40th birthday.
"I'd love to be ten again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park.
What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was!
Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down.
Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.
Then, it was off to a movie - the latest Disney and what a fabulous adventure!
Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?"
One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."
The moral of this story is: When a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.

A group of 15 year old boys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at the McDonald's next to Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they only had six pounds among them, they could ride their bikes there and Jennie Webster, that cute girl in Social Studies, lives on the same street and they might see her.

Ten years later, the group of now 25 year old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the beer was cheap, the bar had free snacks, the house band was good, there was no cover charge and there were lot of cute girls.
Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was decided they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the booze was good, it was near their gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.

Ten years later, at 45, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the martinis were big and the waitresses wore tight pants.

Ten years later, now 55, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the prices were reasonable, they have a nice wine list and fish is good for your cholesterol.

Ten years later, at 65 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the lighting was good and they have an early bird special.

Ten years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was handicapped accessible.

Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they had never been there before.

An African man visits his friend in the US

“I just flew in yesterday” the African man says “And boy are my arms tired!”
“You know, that’s kind of an old joke here in America” replied his friend.
“Joke?” The African man said. “I’ve been holding my hands in the air yelling ‘don’t shoot’ ever since I got to this damn country”.

Trump looks out on the snow covered White House Lawn, and notices that someone has pissed “Trump Sucks” in the fresh snow.
Furious, he demands the Secret Service investigate. A few days later, the head of the SS says “Mr President, I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is we’ve done a DNA test on the urine, and found the culprit. It turns out it’s Mike Pence’s.” “That traitor”, shouts Trump. “I’ll have him hanged!
Now, what did you say was the bad news?” “Well”, says the SS chief, “turns out it’s Melania’s handwriting”.

What do seaside donkeys get for their dinner?

Half an hour!

Knock knock

Who`s there?

Felix

Felix Who?

If he licks my lolly again, I`ll hit him

I had to read that twice (must get more sleep)

Carefully, I slit the tape along the edge of the carton, then I was able to fold all the panels into a small package. That done, I gift wrapped it and sent it off to my Godson.

When I asked him what he wanted for his birthday he said: "An ex-box." Strange child."

My son kept chewing on electrical chords, so I grounded him...

He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly!

6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?”
Little Mary’s mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, “Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!”
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, “Anybody?”
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, “The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.”
Mrs. Parks said, “Very good, Billy,” then turned to Mary and continued.
“As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn’t read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed

Brilliant, Rufus.