Let's see if we can make each other laugh

A group of British tourists are flying home on a plane chartered by the government.
The pilot's voice comes over the intercom, saying, "We're flying at 35,000 feet. Visibility is good. The weather in London is fine and clear, at 15 degrees Centigrade... Oh, and by the way, I'm working from home."

Just seen someone jogging outside and it really inspired me to get up and close the curtains.

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough.

Error. Not long enough
Followed by "Access denied"

A bear walks in to a bar and says, “I’ll have a gin and..........tonic.” The bartender asks, “Why the big pause?” The bear looks down for a second and says, “I don’t know,

I guess I was just born this way.”

My wife asked me, “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating?”

So I took her to dinner and a movie then dropped her off at her parents’ house.

Instead of water, I put XXXX in the the back of my coffee maker this morning

I was halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

Well, I gave myself a good laugh yesterday....... I returned an item to M&S last week and got a credit note. I went back another day to use it and saw that it expired the day after I got it! You may see where I'm going with this!.... Yes I went to the counter and explained and the lady said yes, 2021!! I burst out laughing and so did she! A senior moment laugh!

A long-married couple was at home watching TV.
The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.
The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said: "For god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!"

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.
The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse
when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman, in particular, loses it. Screaming, she stands up
in the front of the plane.
'I'm too young to die,' she wails.
Then she yells, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes
on earth to be memorable!
Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.
They all stare, eyes riveted, at this desperate woman in the
front of the plane.
Then a Jackeroo from Australia stands up in the rear of the plane.
He is handsome, well built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes.
He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt,
one button at a time.
No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest.
She gasps.
He whispers . .
Here, iron this. Then get me a beer'.

Love it Rufus, are Australian men really like that?

07 October 2020
16:59

Two ladies talking in Heaven
1st woman: Hi, Wanda!
2nd woman: Hi, Sylvia! How did you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible !
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and died a peaceful death. And you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected my husband was cheating so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him by himself in the living room watching TV.
1st woman: so what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking, I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement, then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds, I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive today !!!

I thought my vasectomy

would keep my wife

from getting pregnant,

but apparently it just

changes the colour of the baby.”

Wife texts husband at work on a cold winter's morning;
"Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back;
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."
Wife texts back 5 minutes later;
"Computer really screwed now."*

A man sees an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at the local fast food restaurant. He notices that they have ordered only one meal, and an extra drink cup.
As he watches, the gentleman carefully divides the hamburger in half, counts out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each has half of them. Then he pours half of the soft drink into the extra cup and sets it down in front of his wife.
The old man then starts to eat, while his wife sits watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man, feeling moved, decides to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so they don’t have to split theirs.
The old gentleman says, “Oh no. We’ve been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50.”
The young man then asks the wife if she was going to eat her half, to which she replies, “Oh, yes… but it’s his turn with the teeth.

After a busy day, an elderly friend of mine settled down in his train from Waterloo for a nap as far as his destination at Winchester, when the chap sitting near him hauled out his mobile and started up:-
Hi darling it's Peter, I'm on the train
- yes, I know it's the 6.30 not the 4.30 but I had a long meeting
- no, not with my secreatary, with the boss- no darling you're the only one in my life
- yes, I'm sure, cross my heart" etc., etc.
This was still going on at Wimbledon, when the young woman opposite, driven beyond endurance, yelled at the top of her voice,
"Hey, Peter, turn that bloody phone off and come back to bed!!"

Just seen someone jogging outside and it really inspired me to get up and close the curtains.

I've just had a leaflet put through my door to say that I can have sex at 84
I'm over the moon as I live at 72 so it's not too far to walk home afterwards

A travel agent saw an elderly couple looking wistfully at the poster of a world cruise in his window.
His profits were well up that year and he was feeling altruistic, so he rushed out and said, 'It's your lucky day, you've just won that world cruise. You'll have the honeymoon suite, the best foods en route - a limo for touring in port, unlimited spending money - everything your hearts desire.'
Six months later the old lady came back into the shop looking very chipper.
'Did you enjoy your cruise?' the agent asked.
I certainly did,' the lady replied, 'but who was that old bloke you made me go with?'

How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
___________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
_______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
_______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
__________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

__________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb... It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders.. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are 6-year-old first-graders, because the last one is a classic!

1.
Don't change horses
until they stop running.
2.
Strike while the
bug is close.
3.
It's always darkest before
Daylight Saving Time.
4.
Never underestimate the power of
termites.
5.
You can lead a horse to water but
How?
6.
Don't bite the hand that
looks dirty.
7.
No news is
impossible
8.
A miss is as good as a
Mr.
9.
You can't teach an old dog new
Math
10.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll
stink in the morning.
11.
Love all, trust
Me.
12.
The pen is mightier than the
pigs.
13.
An idle mind is
the best way to relax.
14..
Where there's smoke there's
pollution.
15.
Happy the bride who
gets all the presents.
16.
A penny saved is
not much.
17.
Two's company, three's
the Musketeers.
18.
Don't put off till tomorrow what
you put on to go to bed.
19.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and
You have to blow your nose.
20..
There are none so blind as
Stevie Wonder.
21.
Children should be seen and not
spanked or grounded.
22.
If at first you don't succeed
get new batteries.
23.
You get out of something only what you
See in the picture on the box
24..
When the blind lead the blind
get out of the way.
25.
A bird in the hand
is going to poop on you.
26..
Better late than
Pregnant

All Hail the Goons

The show starts with Henry Crun and Minnie Bannister walking about on the English coast. The year is 1941, and the pair converse briefly about elephants, before Minnie is struck down from behind by an unknown object. Constable Neddie Seagoon arrives, but warns them they can't use lights to see what the object is because of the blackout. Waiting until morning, they discover that the object is in fact a batter pudding. Seagoon mentions that he must inform the inspector, and proceeds to jump into the ocean. As he swims ashore, he dries himself to save time. He spends the rest of the night in his dustbin, where he is hit by a batter pudding.

Wallace Greenslade then states that in the months to come, 38 batter puddings were hurled at Minnie Bannister. Seagoon discovers an army boot inside the most recent pudding, and travels to the nearby army camp. Major Bloodnok is the commanding officer, and is displeased at having to get his men out of bed in the middle of the day. Seagoon is searching for a man wearing one boot, but the entire platoon is bare footed. It begins to get dark, but by the light of 'a passing glue factory', Neddie notices that Lance-Private Eccles is only wearing one boot, on his head. Seagoon cannot prove a case against him, however. The next morning, a cold batter pudding is thrown at Minnie, revealing that the hurler has had his gas cut off. Obtaining a list of people who haven't paid their gas bills, Seagoon then mistakenly calls Prime Minister Winston Churchill, but quickly hangs up, wondering who Churchill could want to throw a batter pudding at. Immediately the phone rings; it's Clement Attlee, complaining that someone's just thrown a batter pudding at him.

OoRoo

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic!
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as: Pinot More.

Canine evolution.

I think we're in for a bad spell of wether.

***** ********************

Patient: I've been feeling a little off colour lately.
Doctor: Tell me what you have been eating recently.
Patient: I only eat snooker balls.
Doctor: Snooker balls?
Patient: Yes, I have a blue one for breakfast, a pink and a yellow one lunch, red ones as snacks, and then a black one for dinner.
Doctor: Aha, I see what the problem is - you're not getting enough greens.

** ** ** ** **

A man went into a pet store and said to the owner, I'd like to buy a pet that is out of the ordinary - unusual. The pet shop owner replied, well, I have one Rairy-bird left... The man said, I've never even heard of a Rairy-bird, that certainly makes it unusual, I'll take it! So the man brought home his new Rairy-bird and soon found out that it had a huge appetite! It was always hungry!! Finally, the Rairy-bird was so big and fat that it wouldn't fit inside the house anymore, much less the cage! The man said to himself: I've got to get rid of this animal-I can't afford to feed it! So he rented a huge dump truck, put the Rairy-bird into the back, and drove to the edge of a high cliff. He then dumped the Rairy-bird out of the truck and over the cliff!! Thinking that all his troubles were over, the man was driving home when he suddenly heard this singing coming from the back of the dump- truck: "It's a long long way to tip-a-Rairy!

A man tried to sell me a coffin today.
I told him that's the last thing I need.

BARRY CRYER'S JOKE (Courtey "The Oldie" Mag.)
A woman put her dear father in a care home and handed him over to a matron.
'We'll be in tomorrow, Dad,' his daughter said.
The matron keeps an eye on him for the next few hours. He seemed fine until he suddenly tilted over to the right. The matron rushed over and straightened him up.
A few hours later, he started tilting to the left and, again, the matron immediately straightened him up.
The next day, the daughter arrives and asks him, 'Are you OK here, Dad?'
'It's fine,' he said, 'But they won't let you fart.'

.

An old man was asked “ even after 60 years you still call your wife darling, sweetheart, honey, love. What’s the secret?”
“Oh, no secret - I’ve forgotten her name and I’m too scared to ask her!”