Grieving on your own is very hard

So so sorry for your loss. Also to all the other posters who have lost so much and are still grieving. Brave brave people trying to cope with such stress and rebuild their lives in such trying and unprecedented circumstances. You are all my heroes.

You have my sympathy. When asked if you are all right, answer "No, not really. It is hard coping with this on my own." There may be something practical they can do to ease your burden or at least listen while you explain how you are feeling.

You have told us how you feel, so stop hiding it from those that love and know you best.
Tell them that you are functioning, not that you are fine, tell them that you feel broken inside and haven't got anyone there to hold you in their arms and keep you together.

One of my best friends was took by the coronavirus on march 31 He was my driving instructor and we had become good friends so when I heard I was very upset

I meant to add that the responses on here have been so wonderfully expressed that I can almost physically feel the emotion and the support. I hope the people who are grieving feel this too.

You are an amazing strong & courageous lady
You will get through this tough time It just takes a while
Remember your happy memories & let them sustain you
Where there is love in our hearts we are joined through eternity
Sending you so many caring thoughts & virtual hugs ?????

So sorry for your recent loss. This lockdown seems to make even ordinary everyday things so hard. I lost my husband at the end of January and I wasn't doing too bad or so I thought. However this current situation is so lonely and my confidence has taken a huge battering. Not seeing family and friends and being able to touch and hug them is so hard. While caring for my husband I was used to coping with everything but I seem afraid to do some of the things I used to do. The service for your DH sounds very moving and comforting and I send my sincere condolences to you and your family.

Calpurnia and Sophie

I am so sorry for your loss. It is now nearly 4 years since my darling husband passed away. He had Alzheimers and did not recognise me nor our family for several weeks. I know how loss feels and it is hard to deal with... God bless you and all others who have had to face bereavement.

I feel for you, Calpurnia, at this very sad time. No words can express enough to make you feel better but sending you much love. I'm also sure the man you fell in love with would be very, very proud of you.

Losing your husband is awful but the additional strains this lockdown is putting on you must be unbearable. I admire you enormously.

I hope you can feel the love and support coming to you from folk on here.

So sorry you are going that this alone.
please reach out to people and do tell them you are not fine but you are feeling lonely and missing your husband.

I know you want to protect your grieving family but talk honestly about your feelings.

There is the opportunity here to send private messages so Im sure you can carry on talking honestly about your feelings with others here.
When I was in a very sad situation recently I found I could find some comfort in writing poetry to express my feelings.

Dear Calpurnia,

May I say how sorry I am to read of your very great loss.

I just want to assure you that I am expressing the following in love, not in any way critically.

You are in extremis, and I feel very strongly that, to be true to yourself, you have a right to say how you really feel. You have lost the love of your life, and this is a unique defining event.
Put yourselves in your friends' and family members' shoes. If you say that you are fine, then what can they reply?

However, if you allow yourself to be honest and open with them, and I realise that this takes great courage, then they can help you much more by being able to sympathise with you.
Our society in our British stiff upper lip way does not deal well with grief, on the whole.
I am in deep shock myself and feel ill in fact with the grief that is overwhelming me, and it is for our beloved horse, who has very unexpectedly had to be put to sleep three days ago for ever, because of complications arising from a hoof problem.
I am incapable of saying anything other than the truth at this time, as although I realise that I cannot in any way liken my grief to yours, please don't think that, I could not have envisaged how completely bereft I feel.
A very wise priest once said that we have to mourn the loss of a loved one, and he was actually referring to animals, to the extent to which we have loved them, and I am sure that this applies to humans too.

I really dont like people constantly asking how I am. But if you dont feel fine please dont say your fine. Condolences to all of you going through grief at this terribke time.

Who are we to judge if an animal dying or a person dying causes us such grief? I feel for anyone who loses a loved human or a loved animal and send equal amount of sincere hope for a way forward through the grief.

So very sorry to read your sad news. Thinking of you

me too Xrgran

Dear Calpurnia
I really feel for you. I am in the same position. My Father died the day after Easter Monday in hospital with Coronorvirus. It was heartbreaking saying goodbye for my elderly mother and myself on an iPad set up at the hospital. We couldn’t be with him or hold his hand I feel it’s not real as there was no closure. Tomorrow it’s his funeral. We can’t have a church service. Only a few family members are allowed and the coffin will go straight into the grave. A short service well away from the grave will follow with us standing two metres apart. I’ve had to have a recording of two hymns which will be played via a mobile but told we can’t join in to sing as vapours smut from mouths. My father deserved better than this but nothing we can do there’s are so many families in the same position. I will arrange when all this is over a service to celebrate his life. I am thinking about you it’s so very hard losing a loved one but with the current circumstances so much harder to cope with. Take care look after yourself now as I’m sure that’s what your dear husband would want xx

I found my husband dead in bed when I was 54, he'd had a massive heart attack and died in his sleep. I developed coping strategies, like saying when asked how I was "muddling along best I can". Like you, I'm usually well organised, so me muddling said it all. Have you found the forum group "Way Up" for widows and widowers yet? You will have a tumble dryer full of emotions, and often wonder "is this just me" and it's comforting to find it isn't!

You have my heartfelt condolences Calpurnia. It sounds as though you had a marvellous marriage and it's sad that at the time when you need a hug and support from friends and family you aren't able to have it. I do think you need to tell them how you are feeling as they might need to hear it in order feel they can help you even if only by listening. They might not feel they can press you to say more about your feelings if you close them out by saying you're fine. I perfectly understand why you are saying that, a lot of us are brought up to do just that, but in this time of isolation you need to say the words as people can't see how you are by being with you in person. Sending you love and uplifting prayers.

So very sorry to read of the loss of your DH.
I have a friend that is going through the same thing - even though her husband had been in a nursing home for several years after a stroke, she still spent a large part of each day with him and in fact her whole day was built around that.
I see absolutely no problem if, when someone calls you to see how you are, that you admit that you are struggling.
Through experience, if you say that you are ok, the person asking will think that you really are, means that they don't see the need to contact you again.
Perhaps if you look at this time as a time to gather your resources together, look through old photo albums, any videos etc and remember your husband through your time spent together. If you shed a few tears, who cares? no one will see!
Sending you a virtual hug and don't forget, there may be several other Gransnetters that may also be grieving. With or without other people, it is still the same xx

My heart goes out to you Calpurnia.
xxx

There are some beautifully tender and supportive messages already expressed. I hope they comfort you and that you have found some relief from expressing your feelings on Gransnet.
I send you condolences too and want to join all the Gransnetters wanting to comfort you. I hope you will be able to express how you really feel to your children and friends. I think they would want to know, and I bet they are very proud of you and how you are coping. You have been and are a very brave lady.

Lots of love, Calpurnia

Answers to "how are you?"
1) Struggling a bit.
2) Getting there
3) Grim
4) Trying to hold it all together
5) A mess
6) I've been better
7) Not coping very well
8) Trying to cope
9) I can't answer that
10) Sorry I can't tell you what you want to hear.
11) I will email you, I can't talk without crying
12) Doing my best to get through this.
13) I can't do feelings today, sorry.

I hope that you might find something in there to use. So sorry for your loss and the complicated situation that you are dealing with by yourself. xxxx

Acknowledgement and understanding is absolutely what is needed.
Sending that to you now x