accepting life has changed forever

Well rather than give you "a kick up the rear" and tell you "to get a grip" I've decided to send you a BIG (((hug))) and some flowers.

Being you H's carer cannot be easy and there's nothing selfish in giving vent to your feelings and what better place to do that than here on GN.

oops

I don’t think you need a kicking, Canarygirl. Those sound like challenging circumstances and you’re doing your best.

I don’t know anyone who hasn’t had ups and downs through these past months, no matter how seemingly easy a life they have.

Give yourself a break and maybe give yourself a treat or two as well.

Oh hugs...flowers and love from me also...x

ps..can you drive? Get another car!...if not....
could you learn to drive? ??

thanks for kind words. I can drive but cant leave husband for any time and would never be able to get him in a car so brilliant idea i just cant make it work sadly.

My sympathies Canarygirl1 as I have had brief spells being DHs carer following a bypass and two hip ops but at least he got better and life got back to normal.

Is there someone you could ask to ‘babysit’ for a couple of hours while you have a break?

Canarygirl of course you feel down, we all do at the moment and a lot have added health worries on top. I would be in a similar position as I don't drive and rely on DH for support. Any family/friends nearby who could give you a break?

I think that you have got "a grip" Canarygirl, even though you've had so much on your plate....but then along comes Covid, and we all have our breaking point !

Your needs are currently below the bottom of the pile. So, as others have said, you should try hard to get some help so that you can have a necessary but regular break. Your DH is not going to resent that and you would come back brighter, lighter and stronger in spirits if you could organise a change in your routine from time to time.

Do you have any family who could spare a few hours now and again? What about friends or a friend of your Husband. Your DH could also benefit greatly from a change of scene in that he can be in the company of someone else, which might brighten his day as well. If all else fails, talk to your Doctor or someone involved in your DH's care and explain how you feel. Even in these difficult times, there should be a way to give you a break. You're doing a wonderful thing - but for both your sakes, don't stop looking for a bit of light in this darkness. Hope you feel a bit more positive again very soon.

When I had my second stroke my Husband told me I'd ruined his life. I had a blinding moment of clarity and made up my mind to recover as best I could and dump his sorry arse at the earliest opportunity. My strokes weren't caused by my lifestyle so nothing could have prevented them. I've now had 3 strokes that I'm aware of and about 30 that went unnoticed by me but show up on Mri's. It was my high level of fitness that protected me. I have an auto-immune condition and that was the cause except I was completely unaware of the condition. I can sympathise with how much your life has been affected by something you had no control over though. I'm guessing your husband was not as fortunate as me and has been left severely affected by his stroke. I don't think you need a kicking and no one can blame you for struggling with your new found situation. It doesn't have to be all doom and gloom though, you are in control of how you move forward, the ball is in your court. You don't say much about your Husbands situation, can he communicate with you at all. You say you can't get him in a car, what about a wheelchair? You can get hoists put in a car if that would make life easier. Are you getting all the help you need from adult social care?

DH had a stroke 13 years ago, followed by several more since. It is very hard to see your hopes and plans disappear. Especially as a damaged brain never really heals. Quite understandable that you feel as you do. Stroke Association advice to carers is “Fix your own oxygen mask first” Easier to say than do but if you can get some respite care, seize it. ?

My only advice is to take all help offered. You cannot cope alone and nor should you have to. Do contact AgeUK and the Stroke Association. There is lots of help available, much of it free.

thank you so much for all the suggestions and i will have a rethink going forward. I guess like most people here it has been very difficult during lock down with no visitors at all as he was very vunerable. He hasnt ruined my life, as the song of solomon says i have found the one who makes my soul sing and still does after more than fifty years so think i am very lucky . lots of good wishes to all of you who face other difficult situations

No kick from me, but and a hug as I have some idea of what you are going through. My DH had three minor strokes in addition to other major health issues including blood disorders, heart problems and liver and kidney disease over the last years of his life and looking back I find myself wondering how on earth I coped - regular hospital admissions , weekly blood tests and transfusions, decreasing mobility and needing me to be strong for every aspect of our lives. I did drive (fortunately) but it was bloody hard and I just kept “buggering on “ as Churchill used to say, dealing with one day at a time.
It is easy to say make time for yourself and harder to do, but do ask for as much help as you can and have a couple of good friends, in RL or on GN to whom you can let your hair down and moan without feeling any guilt.
Try not to think of what you and he can’t do, but focus on what you can, however bad these days are, in years to come you will look back and need to be able to say “Yes, I did the best I could “. It is so so hard and few people will understand if they have never been in your place. There are many on GN who have been in a similar situation and have broad shoulders for you to lean on.
Bon courage!

I am so sorry hat your lives have changed in ways that you could not have predicted.

I have walked in your shoes (though my OH had PD) and the only way forward is to do just as you have wisely said - find a way of accepting that change.

One of he things that helped me through was deciding that I would find ways of continuing as many of my normal life activities as possible. This was made possible by enlisting the help of family and also paid carers to be with him while I went out for brief periods; and also by the fact that this was pre-lockdown and these activities were still happening.

My OH was behind this decision - he knew I would need to recharge my batteries.

It might help you to go out for walks on your own for short periods - you are your OH's carer, and it is clear that you do with love; but you also still have your own needs, which if left unmet can bring you down.

It is a massive challenge accepting these sorts of changes and the loss of the life you had planned. I send you lots of good wishes and support.

Luckygirl knows whereof she speaks and her advice is excellent. But at present finding someone to allow you to go out is impossible, and in our case the fact that I have been here most of the time for the past six months has made my DH very dependent on me and it may be hard to change that even if/when I can find somebody. I think we carers need to kind to ourselves and accept our many imperfections. I try to put each day aside at bedtime and hope to do better tomorrow.

I was a carer for my dad which I was happy to do. As others have said make sure you look after yourself. My local council had a sitting service where a carer would sit with dad for a few hours so I could go out. Of course times very different now but could be worth looking into. Sending you massive hugs and?

Please:

contact Social Services to ask for a Carer's assessment.

contact the Stroke Association and/or Age UK

apply for attendance allowance if you haven't already. Age UK will help you fill in the horrid forms. It isn't means tested. You can then buy in help.

You are doing a brilliant job, I'm sure, but you need to look after yourself to continue to continue to look after your dh.

Luckygirl mentioned paid carers, so have you claimed Attendance Allowance? Sometimes it’s easier to pay for respite, rather than feel ‘ beholden’ to family or friends, especially if you have to ask them for help, even though they may have told you to ‘ let them know’ if there’s anything they can do. I think people tend to think of practical help with shopping, lifts to hospital etc, rather than just letting you have a few hours to yourself. The Bodach had dementia for a year or so before he died of cancer, so our life had become like yours. As others have said, please try very hard to look for support, and do contact Age UK and Stroke Association.

Great minds daddima.

I can only echo what others have said, you are doing a great job and never never pull yourself down.

There is an awful lot of help out there, honest, I speak from experience when my mum had a stroke , the amount of help and equipment was astounding.

Yes, at the moment things are very much held back, but until this situation we are all in slowly gets back to some form of 'normality', look up and write down all the help that is out there.

I had carers going in to mum, I had 'the sitting service' to enable me to leave mum on own while I went out, endless equipment

There are day centres you H could go to that supply their own transport, the list is endless...

I am sending you a huge hug ((((())))) and a lovely bunch of flowers and the words YOU ARE DOING 1 HECK OF A MARVELLOUS JOB

And .....*You are not alone*

Just sending hugs xx

What everyone else has said

?

Same from me?. It sounds like one of the hardest jobs in the world to me, and you obviously care very much. Is there any scope for him to improve over time? Having a stroke isn’t necessarily the end of everything. I nursed many patients in the 80’s, who in time, became much better. There’s always hope. Of course, as others have said, get as much help as others can. God bless.