accepting life has changed forever

Canarygirl1 I am wondering what help you have with your husband. Have you had an occupational health assessment ?
There are lots of aids available to help with people with your husbands' condition. Have you ever heard of a banana board and sliding sheets and handling belts? Or does your husband have a foldable wheelchair and can you apply for a disability car which can take a wheel chair? For those who do not know what I am talking about, a banana board is a flat smooth banana shaped board that fits between a wheelchair and a car seat or any other chair. If the disabled person is sitting in a wheel chair, make sure they are strapped in then remove the arm of the wheelchair. The board is used by tucking one end firmly under the disabled person's buttock and the other end over a car seat. A nylon 'sliding sheet is folded in half and tucked under the dp's buttock too. A belt with handles on the sides is fitted around the dp's waist then undo any wheelchair straps and you get hold of the handles of the belt and slide the person over from the wheelchair to a car seat. If you have a foldable wheel chair fold it up and put it in the car boot.
Or if you could get a disability vehicle that is designed a bit like a van with windows and a rising and lowering step to enable the dp to be put in the back while sitting in their wheelchair.
There are hoists and all manner of aids designed to make life easier for a carer. You may have these things already if not get on to your GP to point you in the right direction.
By the way I think you are doing a brilliant job!

Do please find someone who can help out.

Even if you only can have an hour to yourself once a week, it will make an enormous difference.

You are living what I think every wife dreads, seeing your beloved husband getting weaker and weaker.

Ive nothing to add to the good advice and support offered here, some of which it sounds like you'll act on. These strange times are difficult for all of us. Add the kind of things your dealing with and it can feel dark and overwhelming. It's good that you posted here x

My heart goes out to you Canarygirl.
It must be so difficult to keep your spirits up whilst feeling so confined in these strange times. Keep in touch with us here for support and encouragement and go for all the other support and respite you can get. Sending big hugs to you. ????

My mother suffered a stroke , so I have some knowledge of the practical side of what you are dealing with. Is there a stroke club or somewhere he could safely spend a few hours to give you a break? Is there a carers support club locally. As well as looking after home you need to look after yourself which I know is easier said than done.

I’m sending you a big hug which I hope gives you a moment to smile. You are a generous person so please take care of yourself along with your DH. ?

i think you are doing well. I presume your husband can still communicate - my mom did not speak once she had her stroke.
Get as much help as you can - somebody else has suggested the stroke associatiom? Are you able to get a wheelchair - second hand or on loan and go out for walks that way? A change of scenary would be good for both of you

again thank you for all the suggestions given and i will start investigating different leads.. First job at the moment is to get new meds sorted and him home and settled again.
I can only offer best wishes to all of you who have troubles of your own and yet taken time to listen to me thank you

FlexableFriend - you have my sympathy and I hope you recovered enough to tell your delightful H where to go in no uncertain terms.

Oh Canarygirl1 please don't beat yourself up - take the advice and get some help .... if you burn out like the other poor ladies then how would you both cope?

It sounds as though you need a Carer Assessment and he needs an OT assessment too for aids - then there are ways and means with hoists and chairs etc to get out and about again.

Camsnan - am sorry but who are you protecting from the 'virus'? Him or yourself? He is abusive and controlling but you deserve a life too, and if I were being treated like that he would have been parked into care some time ago!!

Saggi - above applies to you too really - I cannot imagine how you are both coping, especially if unwell, I know I couldn't do it for anyone I didn't love and respect - what are you ladies holding out for? It must be a completely miserable existence. I am unwell and struggling to look after myself, but at least I do have a glimmer of love and happiness from my little DGDs.

Sending you all love hugs and xx

To be fair to my husband he always said to any ‘ authority’ that I was his wife not his carer. The fact that he then added I was his ‘don’t carer’ was neither here nor there?

I was told I was 'doing a brilliant job' - but I really resented doing it.

It was just assumed that I'd look after him - nobody asked me. On his medical notes, I saw 'wife not working'. It should have said 'Wife doing full-time degree course and looking after four small children - but no!

I never asked for help, pride prevented me, although sometimes I thought he would actually kill me (as he threatened to).

It was a very lonely, desperate place to be and, at the time, it seemed that nobody had any real understanding of quite how difficult things were.

As with Bluecat.
Canarygirl your post, and those of some others, puts into perspective the minor aches and pains that we others have.
Accept all the practical help you can get.

No useful advice to add, I am afraid, but just wanted to say that you're doing a hard job and I respect you.

I hope you can enlist some help now and again, so you can look after yourself too and have a little break. I'm sure that's important too. Sending best wishes.

Sending best wishes Canarygirll you are doing so well looking after your loved one but do try and get a break now and then. Being a carer is very hard and emotonally draining as I know from experience. It must be harder still in these strange times so do look after yourself too.

Saggi, I’m sorry you are having a nightmare. You need to harden your heart and leave your husband to the carer. If he won’t be pushed in a wheelchair get him an electric one. My husband only wanted me to do things for him, it wasn’t until I lost my temper and reminded him when I was dead he would have to get on with it that things changed.

What about an adapted van that will take a wheelchair ? A friend of mine has this and it’s transformed their lives !
I’m fortunate in that my husband has Vascular Dementia and Parkinson’s and a stroke 2 years ago but I can still get him into the car. A friend has loaned a light weight wheelchair which has been an absolute godsend.
Keep researching, hopefully something will come up . ??

Canarygirl your love for your husband shines through in your post, you are doing an amazing job of keeping your head above water and I agree with others please get some help so that you can get through this.
We can’t hug at the moment so I hope you can wrap yourself in the lovely warm blanket of kindness and care that is Gransnet. I am repeating myself as I wrote the same on another thread to a Gran going through a tough time but it is true. I hope all of you going through bad times can feel that warmth and strength.

My husband and son have different serious medical conditions. Best advice is to join a Facebook group to do with strokes. I plug into my fb forums every day and the advice given is immeasurable.

Know how you feel ..... but my sympathy is worn out. I’ve been doing this 24 years...when my husband had a stroke. He won’t be pushed in wheelchair... and won’t accept any help apart from me! I’m worn to a frazzle and totally worn out. I’ve had two strokes in this time , and have had to ‘recover’ ,... I’m also riddled with arthritis. My life ended 24 years ago.....I’ve had no holidays ... no weekend away.... no overnight break. Half our marriage ( which wasn’t good anyway) with a man who practically doesn’t know what day it is. Sorry.... but you’ve no idea what’s coming.

I know how difficult it is caring for a loved one who has had a stroke. My father had one and I helped my mother care for him - it was exhausting, physically and mentally, and you feel very trapped.

Hi Canarygirl, sorry you are having a hard time. My husband had a severe stroke in his mid forties, we had various means of transport but undoubtedly the best was the last one. He was able to drive into the front seat in his electric wheelchair, he really couldn’t cope with the noise and bumps of the rear of cars. It was made by Sirus in Birmingham and was paid for with his mobility allowance though we had to put a payment towards it. The electric wheelchair came from eBay. Keep your chin up!

No way do you need a kick. Anyone in your situation would feel the same. Give yourself a treat eg a soak in the bath with a luxury bath bomb now and again. A soft face pack taking a quiet hour on your own. Just little amounts of time just for you.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.