accepting life has changed forever

Canarygirl you are having a hard time, having to deal with a siesmic change to your life . You certainly don't need a kick - rather more of a hug, and the fact that others are having a hard time doesn't detract in any way from the life that you are having to learn to cope with. Be kind to yourself - if you can't get out, how about some new books, or something to wear, or a magazine subscription, ordered online? I will attempt to forward a small bouquet to you but it probably won't work!

Ooh! It did! First time I have managed to do that.

What can he still enjoy doing?

You are a wonderful,kind person, doing such a fantastic job.You deserve a break every now and then, maybe the council could organise someone to sit with your Husband a few times a week, giving you both a break.
Sending hugs x

I'm so sorry Canarygirlfor the difficulties you're going through. You feel sad for the loss of the life together that you were looking forward to - it's like being in mourning. I fully understand where you're coming from.

I went through similar when my now late husband had a terminal diagnosis - we both felt this dark cloud hovering over us all the time as we felt that we'd been kicked in the face. Our future had been taken away from us. Time - what does time do? It takes away the rough edges, that's all.

In the meantime I suggest you look at the little things which cheer you and make life feel good as ordinary everyday life is made up of lots of little things. for you.

You don’t need a kick up the rear, you’re coping with an increasingly difficult set of circumstances.
In Leicestershire there is a charity which offers companion visits via a social services referral. The staff can make drinks, simple meals, chat, reading to client or sorting out radio/tv channel etc. They can accompany clients to social settings if appropriate.
It might be worth enquiring if there is anything similar close to you.
You could really do with some time to do stuff without worrying about your DH.

You are obviously a very caring person but, I’ll be honest, I hope it extends to include you. Caring is a tremendous output for anyone and you must look after yourself because your DH depends on you and no doubt you help to keep his spirits up.
Not sure why if you can drive you have no car. He had a stroke you didn’t . I think it’s a big mistake , for mental health reasons to live as if you had a stroke. Get care for him, even if he moans, give yourself a break , takes courage, go out. Do a bit of what healthy you needs to do. I know some people when they have a stroke feel afraid and want you there 24/7 but then you can both end up feeling down. That’s my kick up the rear but I also send you big hugs ? and flowers ? and admiration for your Love and loyalty.

You definitely need a virtual hug.
I had a stroke several years ago now but all strokes are different and I did get mostly better but it is slow as I had to learn to walk again and took 6 months to become continent as you have to relearn to react to bodily signals , then I was only 53 when it happened and not living in the UK, but not everyone does recover sadly.
This weird time makes everything seem harder but believe it will get better than it is now.
And take any help and advice offered

My husband had 3 major strokes 4 and a half years ago. He also has vascular dementia, anxiety and depression. I hate
Looking after him! He is paranoid and thinks that I make things up just to make him look bad. This last six months have been awful with his clubs and carers not visiting. He was an alcoholic for years although not had a drink for a very longtime, his behaviour reminds me of when he was drunk and I just lose my temper with him. He can’t be left and I have to lock tablets away as he tried to take his own life, just to get attention. I lost any loving feelings towards him a long, long time ago. A carer I am not. I can’t go back to my volunteering in reception class in case of the virus and I have no friends here. I was awarded 6 weeks part paid respite as before I was paying £1100 pounds a week. With the virus it isn’t safe to go into care . Carers support have been helpful but there is only so much they can do. Am getting a bit depressed myself as I have chronc pain.

Oh no kicking...big hugs. As a 24/7 carer but am able to get H in car and go for a ride with thermos of coffee. We have a carer come in 3 times a week to shower him and I grab that opportunity to walk.

You definitely are not selfish.....we miss the socialising..I must admit I thought of lockdown positively because I didnt have to watch all my friends go to groups I belonged to and introduced them to! Big hugs

To the OP - you need a big cwtch from Wales not a kick up the bum!
I am currently feeling extremely bleak about the future. I assist my dad, who is caring for my mother who is in the last stage of alzheimers.
My mum has been bed bound in the last stage for many years, so there isn't a lot to look forward to. I know that being your husband's carer must be very hard work and I certainly am with you in a dark place mood - wise today.
Lots of love x

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

No way do you need a kick. Anyone in your situation would feel the same. Give yourself a treat eg a soak in the bath with a luxury bath bomb now and again. A soft face pack taking a quiet hour on your own. Just little amounts of time just for you.

Hi Canarygirl, sorry you are having a hard time. My husband had a severe stroke in his mid forties, we had various means of transport but undoubtedly the best was the last one. He was able to drive into the front seat in his electric wheelchair, he really couldn’t cope with the noise and bumps of the rear of cars. It was made by Sirus in Birmingham and was paid for with his mobility allowance though we had to put a payment towards it. The electric wheelchair came from eBay. Keep your chin up!

I know how difficult it is caring for a loved one who has had a stroke. My father had one and I helped my mother care for him - it was exhausting, physically and mentally, and you feel very trapped.

Know how you feel ..... but my sympathy is worn out. I’ve been doing this 24 years...when my husband had a stroke. He won’t be pushed in wheelchair... and won’t accept any help apart from me! I’m worn to a frazzle and totally worn out. I’ve had two strokes in this time , and have had to ‘recover’ ,... I’m also riddled with arthritis. My life ended 24 years ago.....I’ve had no holidays ... no weekend away.... no overnight break. Half our marriage ( which wasn’t good anyway) with a man who practically doesn’t know what day it is. Sorry.... but you’ve no idea what’s coming.

My husband and son have different serious medical conditions. Best advice is to join a Facebook group to do with strokes. I plug into my fb forums every day and the advice given is immeasurable.

Canarygirl your love for your husband shines through in your post, you are doing an amazing job of keeping your head above water and I agree with others please get some help so that you can get through this.
We can’t hug at the moment so I hope you can wrap yourself in the lovely warm blanket of kindness and care that is Gransnet. I am repeating myself as I wrote the same on another thread to a Gran going through a tough time but it is true. I hope all of you going through bad times can feel that warmth and strength.

What about an adapted van that will take a wheelchair ? A friend of mine has this and it’s transformed their lives !
I’m fortunate in that my husband has Vascular Dementia and Parkinson’s and a stroke 2 years ago but I can still get him into the car. A friend has loaned a light weight wheelchair which has been an absolute godsend.
Keep researching, hopefully something will come up . ??

Saggi, I’m sorry you are having a nightmare. You need to harden your heart and leave your husband to the carer. If he won’t be pushed in a wheelchair get him an electric one. My husband only wanted me to do things for him, it wasn’t until I lost my temper and reminded him when I was dead he would have to get on with it that things changed.

Sending best wishes Canarygirll you are doing so well looking after your loved one but do try and get a break now and then. Being a carer is very hard and emotonally draining as I know from experience. It must be harder still in these strange times so do look after yourself too.

I hope you can enlist some help now and again, so you can look after yourself too and have a little break. I'm sure that's important too. Sending best wishes.

No useful advice to add, I am afraid, but just wanted to say that you're doing a hard job and I respect you.

As with Bluecat.
Canarygirl your post, and those of some others, puts into perspective the minor aches and pains that we others have.
Accept all the practical help you can get.

I was told I was 'doing a brilliant job' - but I really resented doing it.

It was just assumed that I'd look after him - nobody asked me. On his medical notes, I saw 'wife not working'. It should have said 'Wife doing full-time degree course and looking after four small children - but no!

I never asked for help, pride prevented me, although sometimes I thought he would actually kill me (as he threatened to).

It was a very lonely, desperate place to be and, at the time, it seemed that nobody had any real understanding of quite how difficult things were.