Childcare

If your DIL is on maternity leave for the next fortnight then I agree she is being unreasonable. If she is working from home I can understand why she had hoped for your help.

I don't know where you go from here. It sounds as if your son and daughter-in-law have been taking up a little too much of your time and that they took offence when you asked for more time without them.

This is the sort of thing that can harden into your basically not seeing them or your grandchild.

So perhaps you should phone your DIL and apologise sayimg you were having a bad day when she rang the other day, but you are feeling very tired right now, which was why you suggested not altering your original arrangement.

Your son is wrong - the background for the present lockdown is not the same as the first one, as the new strain of Covid19 is far more infectious than the first strain was.

Is your partner willing to try to sort things out with your son? There seems to be some hidden jealousy on your son's behalf there, but it will do no good to tell him he is behaving childishly.

I think l would have stuck it out and not contacted them until dil apologised to me.
My own perspective dil has shown her seriously nasty side to me recently and all it’s done is warn me of what might come in the future. I have told myself that I will not get too involved if they have children because of this.
On another thread l have said that I will never be emotionally blackmailed with not seeing grandchildren.
The total lack of respect for you is clear that all you are is an unpaid child minder to them. I’m afraid that your partner is right because he’s not the children’s biological grandpa he can stand back and see what’s going on. You will end up being torn between your partner and family unless you make clearer boundaries especially where dil is concerned.
Why do these dil’s think they hold the cards all of the time ? I for one am not going to be treated like that ever. I have 4 other grandchildren from my daughter and get treated with respect.

minxie

Why in earth should you apologise for something you didn’t even do. Do they not care about your health, as long as they get child care. How disgraceful

Why do selfish AC think that GPS are there to provide childcare. Don’t have children if you can’t look after them yourself. This totally selfish couple like thousands of other parents want their cake and eat it. Many parents with tiny children want the two cars and two holidays and dump their very small children in nurseries. This couple are asking the GPS to break Covid rules, say no, you have bought up your own children now is your time. I have had my first Great Grandson born in October last year, my Granddaughter has no contact with her parents and needs my help, but I cannot go to her or see my Great Grandson at the moment and I am sure this is the same for many thousands of GPS.

Nicegranny

I think l would have stuck it out and not contacted them until dil apologised to me.
My own perspective dil has shown her seriously nasty side to me recently and all it’s done is warn me of what might come in the future. I have told myself that I will not get too involved if they have children because of this.
On another thread l have said that I will never be emotionally blackmailed with not seeing grandchildren.
The total lack of respect for you is clear that all you are is an unpaid child minder to them. I’m afraid that your partner is right because he’s not the children’s biological grandpa he can stand back and see what’s going on. You will end up being torn between your partner and family unless you make clearer boundaries especially where dil is concerned.
Why do these dil’s think they hold the cards all of the time ? I for one am not going to be treated like that ever. I have 4 other grandchildren from my daughter and get treated with respect.

Well said, Nicegranny

moobox

If I am reading the story right, you are planning to form a childcare bubble in 2 weeks and meanwhile only see them virtually. What can they object to? We are all jittery now, and the childcare bubble is dangerous enough. Are they aware you can't socialise with them on top of the childcare?

Quite right moobox. We all have to take this seriously, especially with the surge in numbers owing to the new variant.

We were asked to look after our two grandchildren for 2 days when our keyworker daughter & son in law returned to work on 5th & 6th January. Daughter said ‘I’m only asking this mum because the children haven’t socialised with anyone since they broke up from school on 17th December’.

As their mummy came in from work, we were in the hall putting our boots and coats on. No hugging. No staying to chat. As she said ‘this isn’t a social opportunity mum, it’s for childcare only’.

We aren’t needed now as the grandchildren have both been allocated places in their own school. We saw them in the park last Saturday on their bikes, just to wave and blow kisses.
?

what an over reaction! There is an old saying, never look a gift horse in the mouth and I think your son and daughter in law are doing just that!

You need to do what you need to do in order to keep safe and if you don't feel comfortable atm looking after them because of your own health, that is actually fine.

My younger son has completely cut me out of his life because I have been trying to be “careful” and do the right thing since the lockdown last March! He obviously thinks I am paranoid! He ignored my birthday in November then ignored my text at Christmas saying I’d like to send some money for him and grand-daughter and did he still have the same bank details. It’s heartbreaking, but it is not the first time he has “cut me out of his life” - it happened in about 2001 when he decided he didn’t want anything to do with me - this lasted five years and broke my dear Mum’s heart. Thankfully, he saw he before she died in 2009. Why can families be so hurtful to each other, especially at this desperate time? Sorry, just needed to get it off my chest.

I think that the OP is quite right to be so careful. Personally I would not look after our GC under any circumstances at the moment if their parents were going out to work - if they were working at home and not seeing anyone at all I might consider it.
We're exceptionally careful and have not seen our GC for many months. The only one of our DC that we see is our DD, a single foster carer in our bubble who absolutely understands that we take no risks and keep our distance whilst we are together.
DH had to take her out to pick up some essentials (she is adopting in about a month), she sat in the back of the car with the windows open and they both wore masks. She picked everything up, put it in the boot and took it out at the other end. This may sound excessive to some of you but, put simply, we don't want my DH to die (he has a dodgy heart, though not technically "vulnerable").
We do have a DS who lives alone but have not seen him recently as we know that he is not as careful as DD and really there should not be three households in a bubble anyway.
Frankly if everybody was as careful as we are there would not be so many Covid infections. Why can so many people not understand this?

I really feel sad when I read this as it brings back my own heartache from a similar situation with my son and DIL. I moved a 2 hour drive away following the first lockdown but prior to this , I did offer child care for my 2 year old GD once weekly. Following our move my GD had an extra day in nursery ( which I paid for the 1st 6 months). Weather permitting, I endeavoured to make the effort and wanted to continue to visit my GD weekly. I moved with my husband to fulfil our retirement dream and live a simple life in the country. My son and his wife basically ignored my messages when I tried to arrange visiting times, being cold and remote. I started having anxiety attacks and couldn't sleep. I decided to write a heartfelt letter, after which my son said I was " unfair"; my DIL played the good cop, this time, and suggested visiting times for me. During this current lockdown, I have given much thought to how they have made me feel and have decided to practice a more considered approach. More considered toward myself and my husband. Tough love. I guess like many readers, I have always given and I realise, sadly its resulted in raising " takers" in life. Once retired, time is precious and as much as I want and cherish contact with my GD, it shouldn't be at the compromise of my own personal happiness. Take heed, while we give, give give, our children will take , take take.
Best Wishes

They seem to be very selfish, thoughtless to your feelings and rude. You must feel very hurt and upset. You have done/said nothing wrong, but they have. I know they are family, but I think you should be careful about how they might "use" you in the future, and don't accept any rudeness. So sorry that you are in this situation.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Have had a similar problem when I used to care for my grandson. Then found out DIL was not always at work but still expected me to have him. I was a registered childminder at the time and had turned down several parents wanting a full time place as we were only allowed 3 children under 5yrs. He came 2 days a week. They were annoyed when I said he should be home with DIL if she wasn't at work. They then put him in a nursery, which worked out better. Looking after DGC can cause a lot of problems imo.

Whilst I understand how difficult it is, I think you are making a rod for your own back by caving in and that's without the fact you are putting yourself at risk. It must be a stressful time for your DIL with the chopping and changing of the Nursery Opening but they are effectively blackmailing you. Each time they do that and you give in, not only do you signal that you are vulnerable but you also lose even more of their respect, if that is possible.
Reading between the lines, it sounds like your son is jealous of your love for your partner. I don't know the background but this is something he needs to work on to overcome. We are sensitive about this in our family because we had plenty of evidence that we came second to the man of the moment with my Mum but only you would know if that was something of which you were guilty. That is something you would both need to work on.
My daughter can be very sensitive about my not being able to help out even though I would move heaven and earth to do so. I have found the more I give in, the worse things get. In over riding the reasons I initially gave her, I actually make it look as if I didn't want to help but could have done! Now I stand my ground. Whatever wobbly she throws, I remain calm but firm that I would love to help out, but I can't. I've got used to the fact that she will throw her toys out of the pram but in the end, her need is greater than mine so I try not to worry.

It may sound contrary to what you feel but you have to put your own life and partnership first. Without your partner you are in a bad place, without you your DS, DIL and GC are in a bad place. It starts with YOU being strong, showing the way and doing what is right for the whole family unit. Pandering to the needs of your son (and now DIL) isn't going to help them to learn to cope any better in future. I know it is hard after what may have been a lifetime of giving in but someone in the family has to start soon or you may lose your partner and I will bet your son and DIL won't be there to pick up the pieces. Good luck, be brave and do the right thing

Hi Edge26 - I do sympathise having experienced similar myself.
Like many grandparents we have provided childcare for my two AS and DiL having each grandson (both 2) 1 day a week up to first lockdown. Hard work as I used to go to their homes where all toys etc. are - now AC work from home they come to our much smaller house obviously with less toys/games/play equipment.
We returned to almost normal in September (yes 2 childcare bubbles but it didn’t bother them and we didn’t bring it up!) We became very worried when we went into tier 4 which we mentioned but again they urged carry on.
It’s only since the more virulent strain and rising numbers leading to lockdown 3 that we told them we had to put it on hold - mainly because both GSs attend other childcare and are mixing with many children and adults. They now agree risk too great for us - we’re both in our sixties with my husbands weight problem making him more at risk. Luckily their other childcare had been able to offer extra day obviously at increased expense!
What we’ve found upsetting is that throughout this a good friend has informed me on many occasions that they haven’t continued helping with childcare or seen grandson as their daughter wants to keep them safe. Made me feel our children are uncaring - am I too sensitive??

Espee is spot on.Children today are selfish they expect the world to revolve around them.

So, yo either do what they say, or you are deprived of the children. So, who's the instigator here? Are you expected to be at their beck and call, and send your partner packing, so they can have you (actually, the services you provide 100% for themselves? That is what I am understanding from this.

These are the same brats who were born in the 80's. No sense of responsibility whatsoever, selfish and entitled. We've got one in the family.

No you are not being too sensitive at all.

I completely agree with others; V3ra echoes my very thoughts.
To safeguard your health, make yourself unavailable to them both now and when your DiL returns to work. ‘Develop’ some of the symptoms, tell them because of x reason you have to isolate, remind them you’re very anxious and so not in a good place to childmind. Keep putting them off. They won’t be able to blame you directly, will they?
In the meantime they’ll have to turn to her parents and his father for help. Hopefully these other people will make them reconsider their approach. You’ll have time to consider your partner’s response to the situation and spent much-needed time with him. Tbh, I think he’s spot on.
Your DGC are their parents’ responsibility, not yours - you’re a grandmother, Edge26, not a surrogate mother.

It seems to me you’re dancing to their tune, and as long as you keep doing that, they’ll be fine! I wouldn’t advocate this normally....let alone in a pandemic. You need to keep yourselves safe....and it sounds like your son and DIL don’t care about you at all in this respect. She just wants to get back to work. She doesn’t even appear to put her children first either! I would advise you to be firm and say “ no”.

I agree you have a first priority to keep safe yourself and this is harder with the new variant of covid. It's also likely that your son and dil could be financially devastated by the inability to work and pay the bills. It's hard times and hard choices and I think you can only decide for yourself and are correct to say you can't help this time. Hope everyone gets over it in time.

Well said toad-in-the-hole, you need to keep safe Edge26

If your DIL and son have a child under 2 they can form a bubble with you anyway. They couldn't in the first lockdown.

During the last lockdown my friend had similar problems with her son and DIL and my friend said the only way she would do the childcare was if the children stayed with her for consecutive days to minimise the comings and goings. She did this for 2 days a week the whole time.