Hurtful comment, never forgotten

Like many people of my generation, I endured many insults when I was a child. It was almost routine that many adults seemed to think they had carte blanche to be as rude as they liked to children.

The vast majority of these insults I probably shrugged off at the time and are long forgotten. However, some, I am not sure why, struck home and have stayed with me as being unnecessarily personal and cruel. I am not a particularly sensitive person but neither I do not possess a skin like a rhino.

I think it would be a gross exaggeration to imply that these insults distort the lives of people but this does not mean that the insults are forgotten and do not still rankle when occasionally called to mind.

What makes some children take an insult to heart and let it distort theeir lives, while others just shrug it off?

Some people suffer with emotional dysregulation, others with rejection sensitivity, body dysmorphia, low self esteem, etc. We're just different.
I grew up with a mother who was scathing about everything to do with my appearance, body shape, ability, etc whilst praising my sister to the hilt in front of me. I didn't realise she did the same to my sister about me. Combine that with men who came into our lives as kindly father figures and then disappeared without trace just as we'd grown to love them and you soon get low self esteem. Other people outside the family could crush me very easily. They still can to a certain extent but as I get older I care less about what other people think.

I think it all depends what you go home to, I mean is it more of the same? ….Or do they get the opportunity to moan to mum,dad,siblings and laugh it off. Only children too can become the focus of too much concern. There needs to be a middle way.

My mum was a great distractor in the form of such helpful instructions as “oh never mind them, I’ve got a dinner to do, so
I want (me) to set the table/nip to the co-op for some butter/peel some spuds” …always the caring concerned mum (NOT) 😀

Magenta8

Like many people of my generation, I endured many insults when I was a child. It was almost routine that many adults seemed to think they had carte blanche to be as rude as they liked to children.

The vast majority of these insults I probably shrugged off at the time and are long forgotten. However, some, I am not sure why, struck home and have stayed with me as being unnecessarily personal and cruel. I am not a particularly sensitive person but neither I do not possess a skin like a rhino.

I think it would be a gross exaggeration to imply that these insults distort the lives of people but this does not mean that the insults are forgotten and do not still rankle when occasionally called to mind.

But many people on this thread have said how one chance remark has affected them throughout their lives and still does.. If that is not a remark distorting their lives, what is?

When people talk about facing a childhood of disparagement and criticism that is something very different.

Monica, I don’t think it really matters why some of us take these insults and carry them throughout our lives..
This thread shows that more often than not people have been really, really hurt by the comments and have carried them and affected their lives greatly..and who knows why? and does it matter?
And another thing that’s always stayed with me. I was always always last to be picked at netball every time Mary would choose Jane and Philippa would choose Mary and so on and so on and so on until I was the only one left and yes that has stayed with Me and no, I don’t know why, but it has and it still hurts…

I was always last to be picked at netball too. It never bothered me. I hated the daft game.

I am more with Aveline than Shinamae. I was always the last chosen for teams. No one wants a clumsy butterfingers in their team.

And yes I do think it matters why some children are affected for life by one chance remark, while others may be upset for a while and then put it behind them, because it gives us insight and understanding that can help us support and help children if they do struggle after these remarks.

Surely anything that stops people being affected for life by an odd remark can only be a good thing.

Can negative comments made in childhood have a positive effect? eg the traditional 'must try harder' of school reports lead to improvement in the long run? It did in my case. Also being told that I was lazy and selfish made me look out for when I was being like that.

Very few people are likely to respond to negative comments and it can really impact on self esteem. More may respond to constructive criticism alongside positive comments. This has been backed up with research.

My own school reports were littered with the words "lazy", "must try harder" but what would have really helped was an understanding of what was going on with positive remarks on where I was getting it right. Without help to keep me on the same planet, I couldn't "concentrate more". Consequently when I returned to earth, I had no idea of what was expected of me. When I couldn't do the work I knew that I would get into trouble for not listening so I kept my head down in the hope I wouldn't be noticed. I struggled to concentrate on writing things down or broadening facts into essay form. I'd get low marks but nobody ever helped to sort out where I was struggling. Negative comments just made me feel thick because I didn't know how to change it.

I also don't think a lot of children are at the right maturity to do what we are asking of them and negativity is not going to lead them to the right place when they are ready for it.

Aveline

I was always last to be picked at netball too. It never bothered me. I hated the daft game.

Ditto stupid football and rugby in rotten weather and I was glad to throw my kit in the bin when I was 16. However, PE teachers and pupils who are good at games can be nasty bullies to unathletic kids.

Cumbrianmale I was never bullied as I looked like it wouldn't be worth anyone's while. I was always first picked for quiz teams and school plays.

Many years ago, a lad who'd asked me to dance asked if I was a builder because my hands were so rough. I had really bad eczema so was already conscious of how my hands looked. All these years later I'm still on edge showing my hands - even writing in front of someone to the point even I can't read my own writing.