table manners

I agree with you Catlover123 table manners are important and should be taught from a very young age, as soon as they can hold a spoon. Their parents need to make more effort to instil good table manners at home. When they are in your care (whether it's in your home or theirs) they should respect you and your wishes and most certainly not ignore you.

Children of 6 & 8 years of age are more than capable of using normal household cutlery and do not need to eat with their fingers.

Last weekend one of our GC abandoned her cutlery and started to eat with fingers. I only had to say her name sharply and point to her cutlery and she immediately picked it up and continued eating. I then thanked her and and said 'Now you won't get greasy finger marks on your nice clothes'. Her parents were at the table with us and agreed with me.

It's unfortunate that so many foods today are presented as finger foods - from Macdonalds to chicken nuggets and chips. And as others have said many homes don't even have a dining table now as it is 'unnecessary' to their lifestyle. Surely that's even more reason to instil good table manners by taking children to cafes and restaurants where food is eaten at tables with cutlery.

And why should you not correct a child simply because you're not their parent. I will correct or admonish any child whose behaviour I don't like be they my grandchild or someone else's child for that matter. Maybe if more of us did that they might get the message that unacceptable behaviour won't be tolerated.

I agree with Cossy and cannnot understand why you are interfering this is the Parents job

My grandkids are 14 and 9…. Brought up by the same two people in the same way as each other. The eldest , a boy , has impeccable table manners . Still asks to leave the table, removes his plate and puts it by the dishwasher. The youngest, a girl, won’t ‘sit up’….won’t stop wriggling…. Won’t eat with knife and fork ( just a fork)…won’t ask to leave the table! Two kids…same rules! She’s just a more forthright personality. We just keep re-inforcing the good behaviour ..WITHOUT… extolling her big brothers’ virtues. She’s hard work but she’s getting there.

I can remember nannying children who never sat at the table and as he was due to start school he was in for a shock .He did sit at the table when I was there .There are lots of parents who never eat with their children so do not know what a proper mealtime is .Mine learnt to use a knife and fork from an early age .Also it is a good learning curve if they go out for a meal

Violettham OP isn’t interfering, not unreasonably she would like the grandchildren to behave properly when sitting (if you can call it sitting by the sound of things) at her dinner table and not roll their eyes and ignore her. It’s impossible to enjoy a meal in your own home with children behaving like that.

Although it is going somewhat away from the original post,Ii'd like to point out that many smaller new homes are designed to have no room for a dining table (or even a kitchen one).
I had a very animated discussion with an architect who had been commissioned to design social housing where I worked. Councillors, community leaders & those on the board of the Housing Association had been told that 'modern people don't want a dining table'. I said that they had little choice - these homes were so small and badly designed that you couldn't fit in a comfy settee (which is very useful for a family) and even a small proper table.
Some families did use folding tables, but really, you can see why it is more bother than it is worth. So yes, a lot of families did like to go to nan's for Sunday dinner and sit down to eat properly. And there are 'manners' and conventions around eating politely when sitting on a settee, but they are different. On the odd occasions I have eaten with a plate on my lap, I have not wanted to use cutlery!

My grandchildren don't sit at a table at home but they have that my house. I just constantly went thru same thing again & again & now they know what is expected of them. They even ask if they can leave the table. Be patient but persistent & they will eventually get it".

My grandchildren don't sit at a table for meals at home but have to at my house. I just constantly go thru same things & now they know what's expected of them. They even always ask if they can leave the table. They will ' get it' eventually.

I'm amazed by how many people seem to think that table manners aren't terribly important for children aged 6 and 8.
These are the ones that make having a meal out unpleasant for the rest of us.

I think manners very important, put great emphasis on them. Know you can’t impose your views on grandchildren as it all goes back to mom and you might end up in hot water.

Bad behaviour ,, blame the parents .. examples should be set from an early age , no big deal really .. it can all be done with kindness ,, I had no problem with my two boys ( now men) ;; and we always sat at the table .. I for one cant digest with food on my knee ,, unless it is a sandwich // quick snack ... I took mine to restaurants from an early age , they behaved ,, no running around the restaurant ... I honestly cant see why families have such a problem ... and I have seen disabled children even behaving as best they can !

Good table manners are essential in a civilized society.
While many people sound quite relaxed about their grandchildren's lack of manners and discipline, can they truly say they have never been repulsed by the behavior of other people's children when eating out?
Think about it.

Children learn from those around them and their habits .

My son brought a friend home to stay when 17-18, as his family life was less than ideal. We lived in a bungalow which seemed to worry him. We made our evening meal and called him to the kitchen to see how much he wanted, what he liked etc. He took his plate and stood looking lost so my son said come and sit down...

It turned out he had never sat at a table to eat - his 'place' was on the stairs, so had been concerned how to eat in a bungalow. He soon learnt, and your grandchildren will.

My step GD is now 20 and laughs with us about the time she,stayed with us aged 6yrs and learned to control our Westie ( she was taught to tell the dog to sit and was thereafter no longer afraid of her), she remembers laying the table for me and learning how to hold,and use her cutlery,as I said to her at the time " when you have a boyfriend and want to go out to posh restaurants with him, you'll need to know what to do". She is now at uni and "posh restaurants" are not currently on their radar, but she agrees that at least she knows what to do when they are!! Her Mum and,Dad were glad of the backup, but I realise that some parents would not like the interference. Incidentally, she also remembers me trying to teach her to crochet - something she has recently taken up again - the repetitive actions of the stitches helps her to unwind when she gets stressed. So I have given myself a small pat on the back for getting something right anyway!!!

Our 3 GS are always seated between 2 adults who can encourage good behaviour, usually by involving them in the conversation and also help them to pass dishes to others etc.
I will also tell them what is for dessert - usually- a favourite and allow them to help serve it.
Bad table manners and especially eating with the mouth open or speaking with a full mouth is really horrible and spoils the occasion for everyone else.

Our two eldest grandsons don't have the greatest table manners but they're not the worst I've ever seen either!

My husband and I go slowly, slowly with them. For example, we might ask them to take their elbows of the table during the week that they are with us. The next time they come, we might ask them to sit on the chairs properly.

Gradually, it seems to be falling into place. The eldest one is really eating quite nicely now.

Don't 'nag' them about everything at once. Sure fire way to annoy them and their parents.

I hope this helps and good luck. I'm sure they are lovely children - they'll get there!

My eldest gS is 5 and GD nearly 3 so I asked him if he could be big boy and set an example to his young sister as she was being silly. He did and I really praised him for setting and example and things have been better since. After good manners and eating their dinner they get 2 Cadbury's Hero and that also does the trick as they loose them if they misbehave. You could also use a sticker chart and so many stickers get a reward, that often teaches children that they get rewarded for good behavour rather than constantly telling them off

Get them to lay the table before they sit down to eat, if they are involved in this perhaps they will be more interested in using the cutlery, plates, glasses and other things that can be put out on the table. If they are part of the mealtime process then they may enjoy it more. Take them out to eat in cafes and restaurants where they will see what other children and adults do and can copy good behaviour. It is all in the teaching.

I think any kind of manners teaching needs to be led by the parents. Your choice is to have them in your home or not.....If you are a regular part of childcare then raise the issue with their parents. I absolutely agree that table manners (and other manners) ARE important but its also important not to make it a divide between you and their parents. I really would not do the "no pudding" thing. For one thing children should not be being taught to value sweet things over protein and veg. Yes I know it was done in our day but so were liberty bodices!!

greenlady102, couldn't agree more! Table manners are important, but it's not worth making meal times into a battlefield.

Whilst I agree that table manners are very important I learnt through my own children that using cutlery can be challenging. It turned out that my son was dyslexic (this wasn’t properly diagnosed until his late teens ?) and that his brain wasn’t “wired” to be either left or right hand dominant. Although he wrote right handed he could only eat left handed and like many left handlers when they write, holds a knife very differently than “normal”.
My youngest daughter although right handed in everything else, also eats as a left hander. Maybe it’s because I’m ambidextrous? Personally so long as they don’t use their cutlery as a shovel and close their mouths when eating I’m not fussed if they don’t hold their cutlery in a normal way ?

My DS’s ex girlfriend had (probably still has!) dreadful table manners couldn’t hold cutlery properly. It is such a shame she never had the opportunity to learn

Yes, you can ignore the behaviour and see if they get worse, Are they pushing you to aggravate?
The big test comes when the family are out for a meal, do they still behave the same or do their manners change? They will not be allowed to do this at school so you could point out that your house is like school at the table and has rules about manners. No eight year old should be sitting under the table.
Have a word with your own children and say it makes you feel uncomfortable to see how they react. Then don't join them for anything that you feel uncomfortable with.
Some children do have trouble with cutlery but I think most would choose not to sit under the table aged 8. I think they are testing you.
I wouldn't,t be bothering to cook what they need to use cutlery for just make a finger buffet eaten at the table.

I would never step in at the home of our grandchildren, but in our home we have our rules. Somewhere along the line they seem to have adapted their behaviour and follow our habits. That said we accept that children's staying power at the table is perhaps shorter than ours, and their fine motor skills vary from child to child. The priority for us is to not talk with a mouthful, to chew with a mouth closed and to ask to get down from the table.