A detective story (wih as many as we can manage)

Further down the coast.....Gene Hunt, leading the car chase, screeched to a halt, he had seen the white van that kidnapped Vera, in the drive of a large country house.All the cars came to a halt and the detectives piled out.Holmes leaped out of the hansom cab and addressed them ‘Go carefully! There may be dogs!’ They all looked at the garden apprehensively, and saw a shape wheeling silently towards them, it was Ironside ‘ You Brits are late to the party’ he cried ‘I’ve already......

Can anyone do me a sitrep? a chilly voice rang out.
The sneer dropped the room temperature, and, oozing disdain for the lot of them from every pore, Patricia Carmichael took centre stage.
And what's that damned dog doing here?

It could be in the Dragnet. Joe Friday has gone to search with his trusty .......

lemongrove

Further down the coast.....Gene Hunt, leading the car chase, screeched to a halt, he had seen the white van that kidnapped Vera, in the drive of a large country house.All the cars came to a halt and the detectives piled out.Holmes leaped out of the hansom cab and addressed them ‘Go carefully! There may be dogs!’ They all looked at the garden apprehensively, and saw a shape wheeling silently towards them, it was Ironside ‘ You Brits are late to the party’ he cried ‘I’ve already......

'Debriefed Eve'.
Even Gene looked askance.

"There is always at least one 'orrible murder a day here in Midsomer" said Inspector Thursday. We have written a list of where not to go and what not to do but they just ignore it.
They expect the Thin blue line to sort it all out.

From somewhere deep within the building a scream was heard. Holmes looked thoughtful "A woman I think. It's a little high for a man."
"Stop all this fannying about. We're ready to go in."
"D I Scott and DS Bailey" said the blonde.
Holmes stared at the dark haired one, "But aren't you?
Another scream drowned his voice

“That’s our Vera!” cried Lewis. “I’d know that fake Geordie scream anywhere. Quick! Over the gates! Oh no, who let the dogs out?!”

‘ Not to worry pet, we’re here now’....it was John Bacchus leaping across the lawn, followed by George Gently ( puffing a bit) and together they collared a huge black dog that lunged at them from the shrubbery.Holmes gasped ‘it’s the hound of the Baskervilles, draw your revolver Watson!’ As another blood curdling shriek rent the air, the detectives....

..passed a sketch pad and pencil to Watson.

.....and he did a really excellent sketch of a gun. They all ran up the gravel drive towards the house and as they approached the imposing oak door it opened, and a rotund man carrying an empty plate enquired anxiously ‘ has anyone seen a miscreant carrying a large Pie?’ They shook their heads, ‘what kind of a pie was it’ murmured Montalbano ‘ I shall help you to find it’.
‘Me too’ agreed Frost ‘ I’m a bit hungry meself’.
‘This is all pie in the sky stuff’ an angry Gene Hunt replied,
Let’s just......

. . . stake out the house inside". So all the US and European cops had their guns at the ready and a long line of them, crept inside, ever alert, followed by the Brits. Down in the kitchen, the women were discussing . . .

What kind of coat hanger Meghan preferred.

While outside a slowly descending helicopter appeared over the tree line. Any one still on the lawn would have recognised the sober Hawaiian work shirt of Magnum PI. Now the situation would surely change……

... and it did. He wasn’t alone. As he stepped out of the helicopter he was followed by three heavily-armed, scantily dressed young women desperately trying to save their coiffures from the downdraught - Charlie’s Angels had read on social media about the discovery of the body of a Charlie on the beach and....

meanwhile back at the tearooms Cadfael clutching his bible pushed open the the door, hoping to find a hot cup of tea, his feet were blue with cold from the north wind rushing up his habit, just in time said Miss Marple, can you?

ZEN took a long pull at his cigarette, adjusted his Gucci sunglasses and said 'Escusi! I 'ave arriv-ed with Agatha and no-one has taken of the notice to me'.

"Pass me that cake cooling on the rack over there please"
"Where?"
"OMG"said Miss Marple, "it's gone . Which one of you has eaten it all?"
Rebus looked enquiringly at the tall girl who was still in her wetsuit, and who was brushing crumbs onto the floor.

But then clattering down the kitchen steps came Magnum carrying a box of . . .

'Cookies and cupcakes' he beamed.
Agatha and Miss Marple gave him an icy stare.
'I don't know who you are, young man, but in our country we call them 'biscuits' and 'cupcakes'.

Magnum looked

She quickly corrected herself, trying to hide her embarrassment by pulling her hat further over her eyes.
'You mean 'muffins' dear, surely?' chastised Agatha.

VI Warshawski pulled out her Colt 45 and snarled ‘There will be no muffin about here buddy. Hands up and face the wall, otherwise I will ...

Have to call for Rockford and his Pa, and you really, really don’t want to mess with them!
Miss Marple looked up from her knitting ‘ I wonder how those dear boys and girls are getting on, chasing Vera’s abductors?’
Magnum scowled.. ‘ don’t know ‘bout you guys but I think....

your jumper in pink angora ain't gonna go down well here, lady.
Hey, you lot, who'd wear this?
Surprisingly, a hand went up. Then a gasp, nervous giggle or smirk. Who'd have thought it?

Moi! Simpered Poirot, j’adore les pulls rose!
Mais revenons à nos moutons….où the hell ‘as Vera gone ?

"Prenez un grip" spoke a portly gent from under his bowler whence straw coloured hair rebelled furiously against being thus restrained.

The others began to think that Maigret was not all he first seemed to be...

Vera laughed to herself as she leapt on to the ferry to Shetland.

"That lot couldn't organise a booze-up in a brewery, I'm off to find Jimmy Perez (cor, swoon) and get his take on all this."

As she leapt off the ferry at Lerwick she saw .....