A detective story (wih as many as we can manage)

(I'm such a slow typist, ixion )

Maigret who got to Lerwick before her! Did he take a police helicopter?

Or ....

De temps en temps Callistemon nous sommes un petit peu hors de sink.

Nil desperandum, as some would say.

“Nil carborundum illegittimi “muttered montalbano “but Ciao tutti I’m off home to my lovely apartment on the seashore and my olives and wine “ I’ll let you lot find that woman with the weird accent”

"Aw, pet, not like you to fall at the first hurdle" said Vera
"You can keep yer funny foreign food, I'm off to sup some mussels and oatcakes with Jimmy"

"Zut alors" cried Maigret
"I think zere is another body floating in on ze tide"

But it was .......

Inspector Tuesday searching for his Monday spam sandwiches which had inadvertently fallen from his grasp at the end of the pier. . Suddenly Chief Inspector Bright appeared on the horizon, rowing a small clinker boat. ‘Problem Tuesday?’ He shouted. ‘Nothing to worry yourself about Sir’ ‘Very well, carry on ….’ And disappeared behind the pier ……

Where Johnny English was trying to arrest Vera
"Anyone who wears a mac like that must be guilty apart from the accent. Is she French?"

She doesn’t sound French to me said Officer Dibble as he removed the handcuffs from Top Cat.
Curl up in the alley TC and watch for any unusual movement.
Just then a small dog emerged from behind the bins, strapped to his back was a note from …

Tintin asking for an introduction to Hercule, his fellow countryman. But Topcat pounced upon him, Snowy and . . .

Vera!

"See you Jimmy" she shouted as she ran, her hat went flying and she tripped over her mac.

Along comes Tosh to save the day but, just as she reached Vera, saying "we need to get out of here" she .....

spotted Geordie striding towards them. “Christ on a bike!” exclaimed Geordie. “If it isn’t Vera! Come on pet, we’ve work to do back in that tea shop. I’m sure you could murder a cuppa.” Just as he pulled her, puffing, to her feet, along came ...

....a good looking if rather smug man wearing a tropical looking shirt, ‘book ‘em Dano’ he said ‘and confiscate their paddles’

"Sorry, Steve, my fingers are frozen in this Godforsaken place, I'll leave the arrests up to you."

And with that, Danno hopped on the ferry and caught a flight to Ste Marie where Humphrey Goodman was anxiously waiting for him

"Er, so good to see you, Danno, we've had our 25th murder in a month on this paradise holiday island and we need your help"

Humphrey then disappeared as he tripped over someone's hand luggage and .....

... out of the offending luggage fell a severed head. Then he felt a tap on the shoulder and, swiftly turning, he saw Taggart brandishing his warrant card. “Aye laddie, a mudder. Ye’ve got some explaining to do’.”

Before Humphrey could say anything a man stepped out of the crowd. He was holding a sketch book and flicking through the pages. "DCI Simon Serralier," he said. "And I can identfy that head. I did this sketch last week on the beach. It's......"

that of a TV producer who keeps making unbelievable police and detective series. Just utter tosh!
"Did you call?" said Tosh who had just arrived from Shetland on her hols.

At that moment JP rushed in to announce that they'd found another body on the beach so they all went off to Catherine's Bar to ponder the situation
After a few rum cocktails they .....

Went down to look at the body, but on the way Tosh stumbled over a large man lying recumbent on a towel. "Watch it", he says, and clambered slowly to his feet. When he saw her he held out his hand and said "Call me Tosh, and you are . . . ..

.... ‘No, I’m Tosh and you’re Sergeant Cork’ laughed Tosh,
The man looked befuddled for a moment and then laughed too, ‘Ah, yes, I fell asleep on the sand there for a while, waiting for Marriot to bring us ice creams’.
‘There he is now, I’ve been looking forward to this seaside break all year but have been confined to The Smoke with the Ripper case.’
As the nattily attired Marriot approached.....

. . . A freckled tall guy held out his hand to say "Weren't we at Hendon together. DCI Jack Meadows - remember me?"

"No, I think you're an imposter! You are much older than me!"

Meanwhile DS Alison McIntosh gave DC Tosh Lines a Paddington Bear Stare and said "Call yourself a detective? You can't even see that I'm a woman! Time you retired."

Someone yelled "This body's sandy" whereupon Tosh (Alison) burst into tears and said "not my sidekick Sandy Wilson"

She ran over and found .....

. . .. a female body. "I know this one. She's a casting agent for a number of TV companies and someone's done her in!"

"Thank goodness it's not Sandy Wilson and the body is just sandy" cried Tosh!
"But why has someone done her in? Did they not get the plum part they wanted?"

"Perhaps it was ....."

. . . a disgruntled crew member, who was enjoying himself in . . . "

..drag.

"Well it can't have been this guy," said Tosh/Tosh as a gorgeous young man rushed over.
He held out his warrant card . . . David Mills . . . "I heard there's a severed head around."

"Over here!" yelled Somerset.

Another body part had surfaced. An arm. Jim Strange had heard the yell and raced up along with Dr DeBryn. “I’m pretty confident that this arm has been sawn off” opined DeBryn. “Strange and I have been assisting with the local spate of homicides and I have a mobile lab nearby. Should be able to get some fingerprints from the corpus, it looks pretty fresh. Shall we say 3 o’clock gentlemen - and madam?”.