Boarding Schools

It seems that many ex boarders do see at least some of these traits in themselves, and where any trait has caused them difficulties, have found it helpful to work through why that is the case and what they can do to improve things for themselves......

.I should have added ....And for THEM who boarded, looking at how boarding has impacted on that is helpful.

For others who identify particular traits causing difficulties, looking at what in their childhood experiences caused a particular trait might be helpful

There is no hard and fast cause, its not saying that to have these traits you have to have been to boarding school. It is all coming up in relation to boarding here because that was the subject matter and question in my original post!

And it led to an interesting discussion curlywurly18 thank you. I enjoy hearing about people's different educational experiences.

My DH was sent to boarding school when he was 7 - he has held that against his parents (now no more) because he was too young. He also thinks the world owes him a living as a result, I tend to be the butt of that.

Also it is not "supposed characteristics" ..it is that these characteristics are evidently frequently found to manifest in ex boarders - not necessarily all of them in all ex boarders but a pattern of some and/or many of them, often with commonly identified causes from boarding.

I went to boarding school from the age of nine. My sister was already there but I hardly ever saw her. My father left my mother when she was six months pregnant with me, and as he lived abroad there was no chance of maintenance, so she eventually managed to get herself a full time job to support us. Our fees were paid for by a legacy left for our education, and although it broke her heart she felt she had no choice. I didn’t love it but I didn’t hate it either, I understood why we were there, and I never doubted that if things had been different she wouldn’t have dreamed of sending us. It was a bit bleak and spartan, but it was in the fifties, I’m sure boarding schools are different places now. It never crossed my mind to send my own children. I still think how lovely it must be to come home to a hug and a snack. We were only allowed home for a Sunday twice a term. I think it made me self sufficient and resilient, I can’t think of any long term negatives.

And it led to an interesting discussion curlywurly18 thank you. I enjoy hearing about people's different educational experiences

Thankyou Josianne. It is interesting to hear about different experiences.

There are many variables but even on this thread some common themes seem to be coming through. I am still fascinated by why it is clearly quite an emotive subject - for ex boarders/ non boarders/ boarders with a positive experience/ boarders with a negative experience.

It is clearly not a neutral type of subject is it

Thankyou Bazza, interesting to hear your perspective.

Yes I was sent to boarding school at a very young age.
I have no doubt it ruined my life.

I don’t doubt it can be great fun if you fit in

Bluebelle that is interesting too ...as "fitting in" is an almost instant necessity when put into boarding school and the impact is greater the younger you are, because of the stage of development one has reached and therefore the capacity one has.
I was 8 years old, and "fitting in" was HUGE .... I remember it really clearly, plus also the struggle to work out what "fitting in" meant. This was probably exacerbated by the fact I had been living in the tropics in the middle of nowhere, my boarding was paid for by the Society my parents worked for and I was not from the wealthy background of most of my peers at boarding school.

The same experience is suggested even if not directly expressed, by several posters on here. Reading Nick Duffell's book has made me think about how that experience might have impacted on my adult behaviours and characteristics, not that I have drawn any definitive conclusions!

I went at 9 and was very very unhappy

grannylyn

Curlywurly18 On hearing about your experience I actually welled up. I do hope you are happy now. No, I don't like the thought of children being sent away. The thought of not seeing my own on a daily basis when they were growing up would have been unbearable.

My sons boarded from the age of 13, so not very young. The school year was three 10 week terms - so with half term and exeats in-between they were home for the weekend every three weeks. They're now 39 & 43 and doing OK!

It's interesting that some posters who were sent away to school at a very young age and had difficult family lives blame boarding, per se, for their problems, rather than their dysfunctional family.

1. All boarding schools have child protection policies .

rustyfairy yes I think that is true now but maybe not in earlier years. If they did, then in some they were clearly not working!

Although I went to BS only in the 6th form for 2 years, I was aware that a particular sort of person wants to teach in one.
Mine was an all girls school and although considered liberal, it had plenty of rules too. We were very restricted and not allowed to go out unless a parent was visiting. My DM was working full time at the other end of the country so I rarely saw her but I was invited out by other people's parents.
One wonderful couple invited all the girls who had no visitors out for tea in a posh hotel.
It was an unbelievable treat.

We wrote lots of letters. I still have plenty in my possession from me to my mum.

Dear Mummy,
I still haven't heard from you - I got a post card thing on Thursday which said you wanted to come up on Oct 20th but it's not a dispersed Sunday so although you can come up I will only be able to see you from Saturday dinner till 8.20 on Sunday whereas the 1st Sunday in November is a dispersed Sunday as I told you before.
Please write soon as I'm getting worried - no one's written at all since last Friday.

It would be too easy to blame boarding school. All three are very controlling, and want to be the one in charge if doing, say, a job together. For instance, if one was knocking a nail in, the others would want to be the one doing it, as only their way would be the 'right' way.
However, our sons have inherited a bit of that trait too, but neither of them went to either boarding or private school.

Well certainly the controlling/being in charge/ knowing the right way is identified as a potential ex boarder trait. Identifying how much it is a family trait as opposed to a "boarding impact" trait is complicated ...but maybe the fact that your sons have inherited a bit of that trait could suggest

a) because it is actually is a family trait

or

b) because of the way their father demonstrated that trait, in bringing them up and was therefore a learned behaviour maybe?

Who knows really and I don't think there is a hard and fast answer but certainly aspects to consider for those who want to

What an interesting thread. I have seen the programme referred to, and the book.
My first husband was damaged and could not be close or emotionally available. My now husband, an orphan adopted by missionaries, was sent away age five, and suffered horrific abuse- many problems resulted from that time.

I was sent to boarding school at age 11/12, (my eighth school) the same time as my older brother. My father was in the forces and decided we needed to stay in one place for the rest of our education, and there was some sort of financial support to allow him to do it or he could never have afforded it. It was felt that I was too shy and timid and needed toughening up but years later they let slip it would have been unfair to my brother not to send me away as well as he was acutely jealous of me.
We were termly boarders and were able to fly to wherever our parents were for the long holidays on subsidised flights.

My brother went to an old established cathedral school and loved it, he flourished.
I went to it’s newly set up sister school out of town. I hated it and did not thrive In such a repressive place and was constantly in detention. I can really identify with PP who spoke of the torment of being trapped 24/7 with your bully - girls as well as staff. The loneliness was terrible and every day we watched the daily girls running off to their parents, every Friday we watched the weeklies being picked up while we went back into school to do our prep. At half term a notice would be read out asking others to take us termlies - it was humiliating.
There were no after hours activities and I missed Girl Guides. I loved reading and books were my refuge but was no good at sports which led to more isolation. Also remember the homesickness and living with the dread of the flight back.
So much more.

But this is turning into a pity-party, which it isn’t - I survived - permanently damaged, but survived with a skill set that included being able to shin up and down fire escape poles to go to the local off licence, smoking and drinking and generally behaving very badly - such a cliché!
Twenty years ago I was sent to a psychiatric hospital and I fitted right in. Old skills came right back to the fore!
Still in touch very occasionally with two girls but the school closed some time ago following a scandal involving the then headmaster and porn. Never wanted to go back and never did.

I didn’t go to boarding school, but it was discussed when I was around 14. I quite liked the idea. I’ve read lots of boarding school stories, from What Katy Did At School (19th century girls’ school in Massachusetts) to Drina Dances in Exile (ballet school in the Chilterns). Not Enid Blyton, whose books I didn’t like. It all sounded great fun.

*Yes I was sent to boarding school at a very young age.
I have no doubt it ruined my life*

I am so sorry *mousemac8

It's interesting that some posters who were sent away to school at a very young age and had difficult family lives blame boarding, per se, for their problems, rather than their dysfunctional family

Do they? I have observed an acknowledgement that one might have been the lesser of 2 evils, but of course there is no definitive answer, just people thinking about their experiences in different ways

Lifestyle choices? Like sending kids away rather than actual parenting?

Curlywurly18 On hearing about your experience I actually welled up. I do hope you are happy now. No, I don't like the thought of children being sent away. The thought of not seeing my own on a daily basis when they were growing up would have been unbearable

love0c Thankyou and I am sorry I upset you, not my intention at all.

I am happily married with 2 adult children, not tormented by my experiences per se but certainly aware that those experiences have impacted on me and have left me with particular traits and some other buried emotions that I maybe need to deal with ...or maybe not!

I do think that lockdown has got me, and maybe others, thinking about things we haven't thought about for years and for me reading Nick Duffells book has certainly made me consider a few things, which is why I posted my original comment/question about boarding.

I went to boarding school when I was nearly 12 and now on looking back I am sorry I didn’t get to know my parents better,I made great friends and during school holidays often went to stay with them,lots of fun.My parents thought you got a better education——-actually they made sure you passed exams but I notice my husbands education was much broader than mine.
We did the things you read in books,midnight feasts etc.I enjoyed my time until I was 16,then wanted freedom,it obviously made me the person I am,I feel very happy with my life and my experiences really have made me cherish my 4 children and I could never have sent them away——- my Mum was very strict and quite cold so in my case it was probably good—- made me very independent and capable.

What an interesting thread, I’m so sorry for all of you that were so unhappy and feel it ruined your lives. At least I was prepared as my sister had told me what to expect, it certainly wasn’t Mallory Towers. Thanks for all your input Curlywurly.

I went to boarding school in Nairobi in the 1960s. I did not enjoy it at all but as distances from home to school were long, there was no other option. I was not happy there & longed to be home with my folks. We were allowed a Sunday out once a month & as the day drew on, I started to cry at the thought of going back to school.

I went to Boarding school at 9. Couldn't wait to go! I had an older sister who was already there, so I joined her as soon as I was allowed to. I came from a very happy, loving family. No idea why our parents thought boarding school was OK for us, but we both thrived and I'm still friends with loads of people at the (boarding) school I went to later aged 12. No psychological damage to either my sister or me!! My 3 children also went to boarding school . I was fortunate to have a rich (now ex) husband who could afford the school fees. They are all in their 40's and I often ask them if they were unhappy or wish they hadn't been sent away (the boys at 8, my daughter at 9) and they all assure me they were very happy and all 3 went on to university, got good degrees, got good jobs etc. So no trauma in our family! I am sorry to hear of other people who were unhappy, or felt they were damaged by their boarding school experience. I always felt it taught me to be independent, and I learnt loads of 'life' skills I would not have learnt if I hadn't been to Boarding school.
I have to admit to missing the dogs horribly when I went back to school (I am sure I missed my parents too........!!).
2 of my grandsons are day boys at a predominantly boarding school - there are loads of dogs there ! But none of my grand children will board I know.