Boarding Schools

My DGS went to boarding school for the sixth form, his choice and loved it, he has just started university. My DGD2 started weeklyboarding school in 2020, she was 13. Again, it was her choice and she is happy there.

In means it.

We were going to send our son to a weekly boarding school at age 11. He passed his entrance exam and seemed quite excited about going and then got cold feet. We suggested that he gave it a try with the reassurance that we could be there in less than half an hour if he had a problem. We liked the ethos of 'A busy boy is a happy boy'. They had lots of activities, it was a small school, 90 boys and sons of friends who went there seemed very happy and of course came home every weekend without homework to argue over as it was all completed Monday to Friday. As it turned out the decision was taken out of our hands as the school wrote to say that due to financial reasons the governors had decided to close it in another year and they felt it would be unfair to take new boys under that situation.
In some ways we we sad because we felt it was the right environment for our son but the upside was that we had him at home during those formative years from age 11. The years fly by and retrospectively I am glad I saw him on a daily basis. He is happily married with two children and very successful in his career. I think weekly boarding at a good school can be a nurturing experience if the school is not far from home, so that parents can be there very quickly if there is a problem. Weekends can be very special and the holidays are longer. Parents can focus on their work and children have 24/7 dedicated care, supervision, socialization with their peers, sport and special interest groups along with excellent teaching and mum and dad at the end of a phone.

Interesting topic and views curlywurly 18.
Glad you have shone a spotlight on the practise of sending young children to boarding schools.
I worked in one and offer the following observations:
1. All boarding schools have child protection policies however, the financial goal of 'bums on seats' sometimes overrides what is in the best interest of the child.
2. It is difficult for teaching staff with the dual role of houseparents to provide an essential balance between home and school life that some children need.
3. Letters home are not necessarily an indication of a child's emotional feelings, these may supervised by the teacher/houseparent before being sent, young children expressing negative views of school life can be encouraged & influenced to edit the letter, in more positive terms, before being allowed to send it.
4. Having said this I am sure some children thrived well from the experience but a notable percentage didn't and independent schools would do well to hear those voices now and ensure childrens welfare in the future stands high above the profit motivation machinery.

curlywurly18

One of the key things when reading about Boarding School Survivors was that they may well think they loved it etc but have no concept of how the experience impacted on them or how their behaviours link to that experience. Not necessarily bullying or extreme experiences but just the nature of how a young child copes with being left at a young age and the impact that has on them, their behaviours and personalities as they grow to adulthood

Some of the characteristics that MAY be seen in those sent to Boarding School at a young age apparently are:

*struggle with emotional intimacy, causes to feel anxious?
*struggle to switch off. During holidays or down time, tend to need to find something to do
*very controlling or a perfectionist? spouse or children might often point out that they feel like they can't do anything right?
*function well on a career or financial level but not on an emotional plane?
*feel like a failure or at least really scared of being seen as a failure
*find it hard to relax
*feel out of touch withown needs
*happy to give to others but don't spend any time giving to self.
*often feel alone, even when in a group of people
*in intimate relationships find that avoid their partner
*have a deep seated fear that they are unlovable?
*a workaholic and feel much more comfortable working hard
*people react to them as if they are a bully
*struggled with addictions
*a pattern of not committing to relationships, and potential partners say that they blow hot or cold
*when things are not going well in a relationship tend to avoid conflict?
*prefer to be secretive or covert in conflict if it does arise
*always taking care of others but really struggle to take care of self?
*provide for family on a financial level but not on an emotional one?
*find it hard bringing up children?
*try to keep out of trouble, and get scared that you might get caught?
*fear exposure as a fraud or impostor?
*had or still have sleep disorders or sexual problems?
*easily get stressed?
(Nick Duffell)

Apparently a high proportion of people sent to boarding school at a young age exhibit some and often many of these characteristics and behaviours

Is the proportion of former boarders much greater than that of non-boarders who identify with some / many of the listed characteristics?

It's just that the list is so comprehensive that I imagine almost anyone would identify with some/many of them, whether they went to boarding school or not.

My OH was sent to boarding school at eight, and was distraught. He has no positive memories of it whatsoever.

His elder brother (who had left by the time OH started), loved it. He wasn't particularly academic, but loved and excelled at sports, which made his time there very positive.
Worth noting, though, that he was older, 12, when he was sent to boarding school.

Their sister, the middle of the three, was also sent to boarding school age 12.
From the little she has said, she certainly didn't like it. In fact, she thought at first that being sent there meant that her parents thought she was mentally ill!

What long- term affect has it had on them? Who knows. Certainly there are traits and behaviours that might stem from it, but most of those are very different in each of them.

It is obvious that each of them considers the other two a little strange, and each of them thinks that they are the 'normal' one.

It would be too easy to blame boarding school. All three are very controlling, and want to be the one in charge if doing, say, a job together. For instance, if one was knocking a nail in, the others would want to be the one doing it, as only their way would be the 'right' way.
However, our sons have inherited a bit of that trait too, but neither of them went to either boarding or private school.

I think I expressed myself badly when I said parents send children to boarding school out of snobbery. Firstly I know not all boarding schools are public schools but I’d think mostly ?
When I say snobbery I mean the kind of families where they would never consider any other option. It’s a class thing, an idea that there is the only place to get a good education and learn confidence.

As a child I read ‘Malory Towers’, loved it and fantasised about the highly unlikely event of going to boarding school. In my teens I met girls who actually went to boarding school and realised how lucky I was not to be one of them. When they came home in the holidays they had no friends so we became their pen friends and kept them up to date with what was going on at home. I could never have sent my son away to boarding school. Why did I have him if I didn’t want to spend lots of time with him? He went to the local comprehensive and has, in my opinion, done well in life. I know there were times when he found it tough but at least he could come home at the end of the day.

Yes, my school was a boarding school - a convent. I was a day girl for most of my time there, but I had a long bus ride to get there, so my parents put me in as a weekly boarder. I'd only been boarding for about a week when I contracted glandular fever, & spent a long time in the infirmary.
I went back to day girl once I had recovered.

Sorry - did not notice 'at a young age' - I boarded in the upper school, not the prep. school.

Lucca

Oh come on Josianne. Parents send their children to public school of snobbery, conscious or unsconscious. The camaraderie you are talking about , is that what we see in the cast of made in Chelsea then ?
There are exceptions obviously and I know of one but by and large it is a class thing.

You are so wrong. Parents send their children to public school because they liked the experience themselves and the teaching on the whole is better then you get at the local comprehensive if there’s no other choice.
Our eldest son would have spent his time in the back row fooling around and would not now be the successful lawyer that he is. I am absolutely certain of that.

Do you honestly think that we have that kind of money to throw away!. We could have chosen to spend the money on ourselves but we didn’t. We could have driven around in Mercedes and BMWs but we didn’t, we put our childrens education first. We are happy that our sons have had a wonderful education, the very best.
I have never seen an episode of ‘Made in Chelsea’.

Boarded from the age of 12 / 13 as we moved house too far away from the school I had been since 7. I opted to board rather than change schools. Didn’t do me any harm and I survived the ups and downs that come with a large group of girls living together. I look back fondly

we can be a victim, or a victor. Our choice...

Hmm ..being able to see and acknowledge the impact, positive and/or negative isn't really about victor/victim is it? That "battle" scenario could be exhausting compared to recognition, acknowledgement, acceptance, adaptation ...and so on. Why does boarding bring out such strong reactions/vocabulary I wonder. Although I get the overall point about not allowing oneself to be a permanent victim of one's childhood..People will perhaps have different ways of doing that though.

I didn’t go to boarding school, and I could tick off a huge amount of the above points as applicable to me. So I don’t think it’s a very well researched project.

I went to a boarding school for (50%) kids with asthma and 50% with problems at home. I was in the latter category. I had an abusive father and a mother who committed suicide when I was seven. My lasting problem? I cant make or keep friends. Myboarding school friends lived miles from me so in school holidays I tried to go back to "home" friends, who had moved on. Now I have no friends. So it has damaged me in that way, but the alternative was probably worse.

I didn’t go to boarding school, and I could tick off a huge amount of the above points as applicable to me. So I don’t think it’s a very well researched project.

It is not being suggested that these traits are unique to ex boarders. Just that these traits are commonly seen in ex-boarders as a pattern (some of them, not necessarily all of them, in individuals) It seems that many ex boarders do see at least some of these traits in themselves, and where any trait has caused them difficulties, have found it helpful to work through why that is the case and what they can do to improve things for themselves.

I don't think that suggests it is not a well researched project. It is just research carried out with ex boarders and conclusions drawn from that because of the commonality of certain aspects of that. It is not in anyway suggesting that this means those traits will not be seen in others ...presumably other childhood/life experience could impact on child development/personality traits in the same way as boarding.

Why does boarding bring out such strong reactions/vocabulary I wonder. I wonder too, Madgran

Josianne

Like these schools. Who wouldn't want to sign their child up?

How I longed to go to boarding school. It sounded so exciting in the Enid Blyton books and a couple of my friends went to one in North Wales which they seemed to love.

I also wanted to go to one where I could take my pony (but I never had my own pony either).

Laterunner yes that is common apparently re making lasting and meaningful friendships. People may keep contact and maintain friendships made at school. But MAY struggle to make and maintain new friends met later in life.

I think I am somewhere in the middle on that one. I have maintained a longstanding friendship from school, we don't meet often but do seem able to pick up easily when we meet. I have made a very very few longer term strong friendships in adulthood largely I think because I always "keep back" and come over as "standoffish" and/or "so competent/confident" I put people off. But that is just my observation, haven't really talked about it with anyone else.

My son went to boarding school at 11 as we were a Forces family about to be sent abroad where there was no provision. It broke my heart, but he was a gregarious, sporty lad, so once he settled in it suited him. Had it not, there would have been no question of him staying there - our lives would have had to take a different turn, as it did when my daughter reached eleven. I think it’s a question of knowing your child. He came to us for the long holidays and spent half terms with my sister, who had a houseful of boys and said one more wasn’t going to make any difference?! Most of our friends had children away at school. None of them made the decision to send them lightly. We still know some of them now and, like my son, they are all delightful, well rounded adults. I would draw the line at sending any child under the age of eleven away to board but some of them take to it very well.

I went to Boarding School at 7, my sister was 5. I think it had a far worse effect on her especially as she was only 10 months old when my Dad took us in the night from my Mum and it took her a year to get us back.
However, my Mum's life was chaotic with her evil temper and sex addiction. Had we stayed at home, we would have been damaged far worse I think. Certainly at Primary School we had a very nice experience but Secondary was very different. For a start I went from a small private Convent School to a large State School with a Boarding House attached. I was picked on for having been to Private School, for being melancholy and struggling to cope with the change. In the first month I was accused of lying (I hadn't), of being a lesbian because I wore hot pants and various other things that just went further into my shell. Parenting was difficult because I'd never been parented. We lived by a set of petty rules where the punishments were disproportionate to the offences so it made it difficult to know where the boundaries lay when I had to parent my own child. I found emotional regulation really hard until I was in my 30's.
I would absolutely never send my kids to boarding school.

It is interesting how many posters have said that they went to boarding school away from an abusive and / or struggling parent, and feel that Boarding was probably better than the alternative, even though for some, the boarding experience was negative, like you icanhandthemback. I think that may well be the case.

Then there are posters from loving, caring positive parenting back grounds (this was me) - some feel boarding was positive, others do not. So many variables ofcourse.

GagaJo

Me too.

Yes I did from an early age as my Father was in the Army.

curlywurly18

Was Nick Duffell's research on the supposed characteristics of people who went to boarding school carried out scientifically with control groups of those who were weekly boarders, went went to independent day schools, secondary modern schools, comprehensive schools and grammar schools?

Otherwise it is fairly meaningless.
As MamaCaz says, those characteristics are widespread amongst the general population.

I think a good boarding school CAN be very Mallory Towers. The first boarding school I worked at was very much like that. Even down to the students escaping from the dormitories at night and romping around campus! I didn't know about that aspect until I'd left however. Photographs of them on the roof! Up at dawn. I DID know about them secretly ordering take-out food to get around the school 'healthy eating' policy because periodically, staff would intercept the delivery driver passing food through an area of fence or hedge.

The students who were MY boarding students (boarding house with 120 girls!) are still all friends. I see their social media posts and what they're doing now. Every now and then they get together from which ever corner of the globe they've scattered to. THEY are the lucky ones though.

My most recent boarding school was very different. Quite clinical and cold.

Was Nick Duffell's research on the supposed characteristics of people who went to boarding school carried out scientifically with control groups of those who were weekly boarders, went went to independent day schools, secondary modern schools, comprehensive schools and grammar schools?Otherwise it is fairly meaningless.

I can't comment in detail. It is an interesting book, it is clear that he has built up expertise in aspects of this and the workshops are well resourced and well used as I understand it. Find out more here
www.boardingschoolsurvivors.co.uk/

As MamaCaz says, those characteristics are widespread amongst the general population

And as has already been explained, it is not being suggested that these traits are unique to ex boarders. Just that these traits are commonly seen in ex-boarders as a pattern (some of them, not necessarily all of them, in individuals) It seems that many ex boarders do see at least some of these traits in themselves, and where any trait has caused them difficulties, have found it helpful to work through why that is the case and what they can do to improve things for themselves.