Women mourn, men replace

If not remarry, men certainly hook up.
Women are judged more on their appearance throughout their lives. I have a widow friend who would love a new relationship. She is a fantastic person. But she has been bitterly disappointed and has lost all confidence since trying online dating - sad.

Witzend when a man remarries even if he changes his will his "new" wife has rights that she can claim. This has happened to a few people I know. Where their father remarries and his 2nd wife contests anything left to his children from his first marriage. He even left a will leaving the house to his children after her death, but she fought it and won.

I've had a long marriage , still going on, but I'd never marry again. I'd love my absolute freedom.

Psychologically, if a man has been in a happy marriage, he is unconsciously programmed to try to repeat that life. It is in fact considered to be a compliment to his deceased wife. I know this stuff professionally but in reality I would struggle with the thought of my husband re-marrying. I have quietly taught him how to do everything to keep himself alive. But I know that he likes to have someone to talk to, to share things with and he is fantastic husband material. This makes me a selfish person thinking more of my own feelings than his. I dislike this side of my personality. He deserves to be happy with someone else if I die before him but I find myself in tears just thinking about it.

My cousin had been married for well over forty years when his wife became ill and died soon after. We spoke on the phone; he sounded aggrieved rather than grieving, and announced 'I relied on her - I don't know how to work the washing machine'. Perhaps that sums it up!

If I die before my chap it's really up to him!

Mushy how odd he’s said that I’d kill mine if he said that to me!?

My husband (15 years older than me) passed away 24 years ago, I haven't re-married although I have had friends - we did discuss this and said for each of us to marry again afterwards but it's not really come up. I am quite happy going back to my house on my own.

On the other hand, my mother passed away 26 years ago quite suddenly - my father never married again but he did have several lady friends (they all pre-deceased him as well). He didn't want to be entirely on his own.

When my friend's husband died, after a long and happy marriage, she said that she would never find another man like him, and couldn't contemplate the thought of marrying again. Jokingly I replied, "Never say 'never'!" The following Christmas a widower, who had been friendly with both of them, asked her to accompany him to the Christmas dinner at their local club. Flustered, she refused, saying that everyone would be staring and talking. I persuaded her that there was no harm in two people who were on their own sharing a social event. She went with him, and they started going out for walks together. The relationship progressed over the next few years, and I could see love blossoming.
Sadly, her friend died of cancer, quite suddenly, so she was bereaved a second time, but they both gained a few years of happiness together, though still living apart.

Witzend

I don’t know anyone personally, but there were several such marriages among my mother’s circle. And dh’s grandfather married very soon after he was widowed, the nurse who’d looked after his wife. Ditto a former neighbour of my parents.

If I were feeling charitable I’d say that they were lonely and wanting a companion. If not I’d say they just wanted a replacement cook/housekeeper.
But it could be a bit of both.

What does really occasionally worry me, is the idea of an elderly man with early, undiagnosed dementia, being swept swiftly into marriage by someone who then gets him to change his will entirely in her favour.

I know someone this happened to, and there was absolutely nothing the family could do, because his dementia was still undiagnosed at the time of the marriage.

I knew a neighbour who remarried 6months after DW dies from cancer- to the old bag who used to do door to door pools! (1967) all the wives in our road were shocked and horrified! 3 kids, 18/15/4 years oldest boy passed his test, then was never in, girl my sis age used to say she detested her step mum ,then HE died , she got the lot, very nice home etc , chucked out older kids and farmed then 6 year old off to grandparents! Men are so very short sighted and gullible, they can be led around by their appendage like lambs to the slaughter. I often wonder how those kids fared?

Unbelievable! So many judgemental responses and sweeping statements.
Unless you have experienced losing a partner you have absolutely no idea how it feels and certainly have no right to judge others!

My brother-in-law married within a year of my sisters death. It was very hard for her children to deal with although only one still lived at home.
I`m divorced and have been for over 20 years and very happy along but being lonely could make people marry again quickly.

I know it is early days for me as a widow but i honestly can not ever see me replacing my husband. I would feel like i was betraying him, and i certainly would not want to be looking after anyone in my later years, i have enough trouble looking after myself!!!

My parents were married for 45 years, and then my father died. Three years later my mother met a man on the train and they married. Like her, he was a church goer and a widower. Three years later,^*he died*^.
Two or three years later, my mother married - for the 3rd time - a long term family friend, who had been devoted to his wife and as a couple were very friendly with my parents all their lives. Then in her 80s, my mother developed Alzheimers and lived in a care home for the last few years of her life, and was visited every day by her 3rd husband.
Don't ask me how she managed it. She was 63 when my father died, and obviously couldn't cope with being alone.. My brother and I both lived a long way away

Allsorts

At my local club at his wife’s funeral the widower linked up with one of her friends, they remarried within months.

That is just heartless! That woman must have been desperate to jump into a relationship with her friend’s husband.

Farawaynanny

Unbelievable! So many judgemental responses and sweeping statements.
Unless you have experienced losing a partner you have absolutely no idea how it feels and certainly have no right to judge others!

absolutely right!

MayBeMaw, we both lost our husbands around the same time, and my feelings are the same as yours, also I have become far too selfish to want to live with anyone again, I can please myself what I do and when, however I would like a male companion, as I enjoy male company, having worked in a predominantly male environment, just to go places and do things with, and basically have a laugh, like my Husband and I did, but in reality, I just can't envisage it happening!

Sorry, Galaxy, but I have to disagree with you when you say you don’t think posters are saying “all” men, because some of the posts I’ve read, seem to be saying just that. One poster for example, said in her post “men don’t mourn”, another says “if men don’t remarry, they certainly hook up”, yet another says “men are so very short sighted and gullible”
To my mind, these statements are making huge generalisations, and inferring all men are like this, which is absolutely just not true.

Happens with divorce as well. As much as I instigated my divorce I cannot contemplate another man in my life after 40+ years yet my ex was off with another before the divorce was even finalised. He's never been on his own and needs a "mother" so when a recent widow fell at his feet he must have thought the gods were looking down on him. I'm happy with my own company or that of friends atm and men do not feature which suits me.

One of my oldest friends died a couple years ago after nearly 50 years of marriage. Within a year her husband had moved a lady friend into his home. In fact she was someone we had all known since we were at college so it wasn't as if he'd just picked anyone.

I had friends who got divorced years ago. The husband married again within months, the wife never did. Another friend who was divorced met up with an old boyfriend from her teenage years and has been living with him for 20 years. They have now decided to get married. We're all hoping she isn't rushing into it

My mother always said she didn’t want to be the servant for another man. No more taking care of a man for her. Financial independence was the key. Many men look for a care giver. But to be fair, some people try to find the happiness and life they had. It’s a compliment to the first wife, really!

When my husband of 40+ years died, I thought I would spend the rest of my life alone - I was in my late 50’s when he passed away. I met the man who is now my husband less than a year later. He was a widower and had lost his wife a few years before. It was a chance meeting and we both felt there was a connection there, but I was grieving and very far from ready for a new relationship. We became friends and he gave me a lot of support, both emotional and practical, and helped me through the most difficult time of my life. I lost a couple of friends when we got together - they were horrified that I could even consider being with someone else and made it clear they didn’t want anything to do with us as a couple. I don’t think anyone has the right to sit in judgement - grief is personal and everyone handles it differently. I never imagined I could be happy again - I thought my life was over when my husband died. But I came to realise that given time, you can be happy again, although for me, it’s a different kind of happiness and I don’t think I have the words to describe what I mean - those of you who have been through something similar will no doubt understand.

A lot of very judgemental posts on here. In short, if you haven’t lost a life partner, you have no idea of the grief that’s involved and the soul searching that goes on when you’re faced with the possibility of another relationship. To an outsider it may look as though people are ‘jumping into a new relationship’ but in reality that’s hardly ever the case. Grief is exhausting, and for a long time you can’t get your head above the parapet to look around you. When you do, you gradually realise that life does go on and that there are alternatives to spending the rest of your life alone. For some, that happens sooner rather than later. I’m a woman, and met a new man less than 12 months after my husband of 40+ years passed away - so the sweeping generalisations that men ‘replace’ doesn’t really hold up. The friends I lost as a result seemed to think it was perfectly acceptable to expect me to spend the rest of my life alone and made their continuing friendship impossible by refusing to accept us as a couple. If you’re on the outside looking in, you very rarely see everything that’s going on - even if it did, it still doesn’t give you the right to judge.

Yes I am sure there are generalisations from some people but the actual premise that men remarry more than women seems to be true.

My husband died at 57 and I was 54. I will never want another man , they’re too much trouble .
On the other hand my DDIL lost her mum a few years ago and within one month her dad met another woman on holiday in Spain . They have been living together for quite a while now .