Women mourn, men replace

Lillian40, it’s sad if that’s your experience, but it certainly isn’t by any means the same for all of us.

Lillian44
Your not bitter by any chance, are you? ?

Greenlady102, maybe you have been very lucky in your life and have a husband who is loving, selfless and totally caring towards you. Unfortunately many of us on here have not had that experience and have had marriages to self centered, selfish, controlling, abusive men who have treated us like domestic serfs. These kind of men will never be able to stand on their feet alone, will always move on quickly to the next "victim" who will fulfil their needs and not give a thought about their previous wife. I had a loving wonderful father who loved my mother dearly. After she died, he was incredibly lonely but he also had been used to my mum doing everything for him. I think had he been widowed younger, he would too have moved on. Not for six but so someone could do the domestic duties!!

My mother was widowed at 58 and always said she'd never remarry. At 86 she met someone (widowed a year) and was very happy with him until she died. But never remarried! I think her partner was very lonely when his wife died. She'd been ill for years and he'd always taken great care of her.

I am a widow of 22 years, my late husband and I were 'a pair' from 14 years old and I couldn't ever replace what we had. Although I have been happy to have had company to the theatre, meals out etc with a couple of very nice men (1 divorced when wife cheated and 1 a long time friend of both my husband and me - widowed) I have never felt the need or desire to replace my husband. As age creeps up on me I just don't want to end up washing and cooking and possibly caring for someone else. I guess I have become selfish and enjoy doing what I want, when I want and just enjoy my animals. Luckily, because he was away in the Navy for quite long periods, he always made sure I would be able to cope alone in the event anything happened to him. I can understand widows and widowers wanting to partner up again, but it is an individual decision and not always for the right reasons.

I think men need women much more than they realise until they are not there. When we were young the boys moved from one girl to another always after the better trophy.Most girls looked around and where more wary.
I've know quite a few couples where the men died young and their wiveswho had always acted like a men cool ,calm and calculating found a new husband within a year. One I knew is onto her 5th partner. Ever onwards and upwards, so it's not just men but a certain type of woman as well.
Some people say if you have had one happy marriage you look for another but the incidence of divorce of second marriages are very high.

When I left my ex-husband, a nasty and controlling man, he was straight on dating sites hunting for my replacement. That was 11 years ago and I have remained on my own and have no interest in another man. I manage very well on my own as I can do most things myself, I had to do it all in my marriage. I think men need someone to look after them, they don't seem to manage very well on their own.

Goodness, as I’ve read more posts I’m amazed at the generalisations and stereotyping written by some. Yes, there are some men who have affairs, mis treat their wives and partners, can’t cope with general domestic living, etc. Equally, there are some women who behave in a similar fashion. But I emphasise the some for both males and females.
It’s silly to say all men can’t mourn, or all men are incapable of 100% commitment or all men love themselves above all else, whereas all women can mourn, don’t have affairs, can cope with the domestic side of life, etc, as this is blatantly untrue. I think what can happen is that some people have certain views as a result of their own experiences in life and therefore feel this must be the truth.
Imagine the uproar if the post had been “Women replace, men mourn”.

My husband died thirteen years ago. We were married for thirty-three years.

There are many reasons why I have never considered remarrying. I had begun to find marriage a real chore and started to look wistfully in estate agency windows, considering which smallish flats I could afford to rent on my teacher's salary. My husband had a strong, emotional dependency on me that I had begun to find quite suffocating. The idea of being retired together and joined at the hip, 24/7, was not appealing, although I doubt if I really would have left him. I'd have felt so guilty, like a mother deserting her child.

I don't want another relationship where that person must be consulted over every decision and informed of where I'm going, and why, every time I leave the house. His death was sudden and tragic but I definitely relish the freedom I have today.

My husband died suddenly at the age of 67 And I was 63. We had been very close and loving and although I had offers could not contemplate having a relationship or marrying ever again.

I was 82 when my most wonderful husband died, we were soul mates 51 years married that was 3 years ago .... He had complications with dialysis and became very ill and lots of pain ,, He had looked after me for so many years , now it was my turn to look after him .. He did try to take his own life as he was in such pain , but he told me what he had done taking lots of his tablets ,, I called 999 and two rapid response were on my door step before I could put the phone down ! He always said he could never replace me and if any thing happened to me he would take all his tablets ! Now I have difficulties managing without him and have developed Polymyalgia which was very painful and I am now on steroids ,, the plus for those is it takes all your wrinkles away ! so now I don't look 85 !!! ... The end of this story is that he decided to switch off his dialysis as he was in so much pain and it wasn't working plus he had broken his femour bone ... He was allowed to do this and he lasted 4 days with all our family with him ! He always said I should marry again .. but at 85??? and the memories ? Well stranger things happen !

Again I totally agree with you Mapleleaf.

Aveline

Maybe men look to replace the structure in life that, generally, women provide?

What a lovely way of saying that wives are there as unpaid carers that husbands are not!!

I dont think anyone is saying all maple leaf, that's why I have had a quick look at the statistics, and although I havent studied them in depth they do indicate more men remarry. It's interesting to look at how societal norms may have led to this.

My grandfather remarried weeks after my grandmother died. Each of the newlyweds thought the other had money. They were both disappointed and he died in the same year. ?

I have just remarried, 5 1/2 years after being widowed. My first husband had major health issues for about 15 years before he died and I didn't really enjoy the last third of my marriage term. However after the death I found that I didn't like being on my own and after a couple of years tried internet dating which (eventually!) yielded my new man - who is Mr Fitness personified.

I have no doubt at all that, if the positions had been reversed, my first husband would have replaced me within weeks!

My father remarried within 18 months of my mother dying, and then again less than two years after his second wife died. I don't doubt that he mourned both, but he hated being alone. The third marriage was a disaster and wound being annulled.

B9exchange

It's true, I work with counsellors at the local Hospice, and they tell me that the majority of men can't cope without a woman in their lives and rush into relationships within months. Women prefer to work out their grief on their own.

Are said counsellors female?

If so, professional or or , there is possible bias in their views.

I think men are more lonely than women because they don’t have the kind of friendships we do.

Or not

Well said again Mapleleaf! A lot on here mention ‘replacing’, of course you cannot ‘replace’, if you had a happy marriage, you’ll never replace that partner. But some people, men or women, need or like companionship, so each to their own.

I had always thought that in every relationship, the simplistic view is that one gives and the other takes, male and female alike

All this talk of taking on men's washing and cooking and cleaning - where is feminism and equality here? This is 2021! My mother was widowed at only 46. She had several offers and did a bit of dating but she said she'd never want to marry or live with any man again as she didn't want to be someone else's skivvy. This was back in 1968 - good on her!

Because women still undertake much more of the burden of household chores so it makes perfect sense to try and avoid it. It's a form of feminism

My friends husband began a relationship with a friend of hers only a few months after she died very unexpectedly. His children were very upset about it and felt she as on the make as he was very comfortably off and she was not. I have tried to support her daughter , we email and meet up occasionally when we can, she lives 150 miles away from me.

The joke was he asked me to have a relationship with him before he lived with her but I turned him down nicely as I explained I would always see him as her husband and it would feel to me like I was betraying her ( they were married 40 plus years) I vowed to stay by myself anyway after a very acrimonious divorce)

He is now on his own again as she also died very quickly after being diagnosed with cancer, so I did feel sorry for him as he’s coped with two deaths only about a year apart.

In his case I agree he couldn’t stand to be on his own , he could cook and was perfectly capable of looking after himself . I am still in touch with him and he is a very good platonic friend but sadly because of Covid I have been able to visit only sparingly as he also lives over 100 miles away from me.

I worked with a lovely lady who suffered with ill health for years but still carried on with work and she also did voluntary work. She sadly died a few years ago and her husband remarried within months, I have to say I was shocked.