Is marriage hard work?

If you are lucky to have married the right person, then no. DH and I have gone through some difficult times, bereavement, illness, estrangement, but I love him dearly and he is my best friend. I hope he feels the same way too. We rarely argue and seem to rub along quite nicely in the main part. There is a lot of laughter in our home and shared jokes. I probably don’t tell him enough, but I adore him. He is a kind and decent man. Not known for romantic gestures, but he is always there for me when it counts. I can’t imagine life without him.

Yes it can be hard work and if I had had had any sense I would have left my husband by the end of the first year. I hung on trying desperately to be what I presumed he wanted, though I knew no-one as unhappy as I was in their marriage, and ended up with an unhappy life. It can be hard but it can be impossibly hard.

Yes, very hard work

Extremely hard work which is why I divorced. My friends expected me to be in floods of tears. I was elated and back to my happy go lucky self. Would I do it again
....... Never! Sorry ladies. I guess some hit the jackpot & some like me get the booby prize.

I find long term relationships hard work. Have come to the conclusion that I should really live alone and have gentlemen callers tbh.

Definitely! Trying to manage to live with someone you probably met in first flush of youff for the rest of your life? Impossible and unnatural.so yes it takes lots of drudge and grudge! I think everyone should be allowed 2life partners if they need, one for falling in love and having kids.the second one should be allowed without expensive and dreadful guilt of legalese divorcing, simple dissolution should be arranged with a 50/50 split of EVERYTHING. No arguments no guilt no blame. Then #2 partner to live the second and very very different part of life with into old age .companionship different love ,mature attitudes and life experiences shared without guilt at having dissolved partnership#1! Less acrimony, less upset for children's they know what the craic is cos everyone can do it it's nothing to be scared or ashamed of! I think it's called wishful thinking or utopia or summat ?.......

My first and second marriages have been destroyed for me by men Who simply cannot keep it to themselves! When they feel they're not getting what they want. Off they f**k! I used to think it was me as the common denominator but realise it's my strength as seen through weak mens eyes. I'm clever was extremely attractive and charismatic, witty dead funny and not to be messed with - the perfect man! I've never forgiven either for their humiliating and cruel infidelities and now live with #2 who thinks we're O'K ande that it's ok forgotten after 20+ years, but it's not , but I let him delude himself and we're mates anyway .I'm too old to be shooting meself in the foot by walking -again! Did it at 45 not doing at 65!

eazybee

Marriage can be hard work if it is the wrong couple or if there is outside interference.
Then there is the french (?) saying: there is one who loves and one who is loved.

Nail on head! I always loved #1 far more than he was capable of returning. #2 lovesne more and has feared losing me, his solution? Have a year long fling with an old fling from10 years previously to make him 'feel wanted' perleese!

I was surprised to hear a male friend say that sex was the most important thing in a marriage. I certainly never thought that and wonder if that is where I went wrong.

My first marriage was very hard work and, ultimately, a failure. Second time round it’s fantastic…we rarely disagree, we have the same fundamental values, we trust each other implicitly and are completely supportive of each other - not hard work at all - 20 years of joy so far.

Mine is since retiring his done nothing but eat and moan
… I’m seriously thinking of disappearing asap!

Noreen3

It's better to be in a marriage that is hard work than to be a widow,that really is hard work.

Widowed nearly five years ago after nearly 4 years together. I wholeheartedly agree. I’m now in another relationship, but the sadness is still there deep down and sometimes the grief can still overwhelm me momentarily. It changes your life and you’re never the same person.

I must have been very lucky then Mummer. I feel sorry for you. I believe 2 people can have a long and happy, monogamous marriage.

My DM claimed she showed all her DC how to choose well. She was less like Paddyann's mum and more Lady Bracknell.. We always had to bring the new boyfriend or girlfriend home to meet her be inspected and if she suspected a wrong'un she would ask them brutal questions!
Then after tears and tantrums we would realise she was right.

All her DC's marriages have lasted happily for over 40 years
though her own DH died after 16 years.

Hardest thing I’ve ever done and still wondering if it’s actually worth the effort

The hardest part of 52 years of marriage has been locked in with COVID.

I walked out of a marriage as I tried everything to keep my ex happy, but he still shouted, went with other women and treated me like dirt. The times I heard I'm sorry I'll not do it again, it was just words, he didn't mean it.
That marriage was hard work and I'll never do it again, I left him 12 years ago and haven't even been on a date, I'm just not interested. I've found life a lot easier on my own, the freedom to come and go as I please and have money of my own without being being questioned why I needed it. Life is far better now with just me and my dog.

All relationships require work to sustain them and this applies whether they be kinship, friendship or romantic (I'm including marriage here). The big question is whether one gets out what one puts in and if the equation becomes unbalanced then they do all become hard work but if people were to communicate better before entering one of these and say what each expects and is prepared to bring, then the give and take element definitely reduces the aggravation potential.

Seems I'm unusual here, but I don't regard marriage as hard work. We've been together for more than 50 years, married for four less, and just get on - though we both have the odd squabble and sulk. We've certainly had the odd rough patch, but I don't regard our marriage as a constant trial, as some seem to. Of course that may change if one of us gets dementia, but we've seen each other through good times and bad times, good health and ill-health and are basically the best of friends.

I found the early years of marriage very hard work. I had just graduated and found starting my career, setting up a home, adjusting to my husband's foibles and the frequency at which he wanted sex, very hard work. But with a bit of give and take it became easier and the pleasure we got from being together outweighed the effort involved. We both take our marriage vows seriously so divorce was never an option. I'm glad we worked at it as we are both now thoroughly enjoying being retired and spending more time together.

My first marriage was b….y hard work, he acted like a single person and when home it was like having three children. With my second husband it is totally different, we have much in common and the same outlook on life. He had never been married before and had no children but accepted mine in a way that they treat him as dad. We have an equal partnership, both doing the housework, ironing our own clothes and just getting on with doing what’s needed without asking. We have some wonderful days out, this week we have been out four days in a row and just enjoy life together. If we want to do something independently then that’s ok, just do it. No I think if you are with the right person, who is a friend and a lover then it’s not hard work.

I’m in my 2nd marriage and my answer to this is yes, marriage can be hard but should not be hard all the time. The big thing I noticed when I moved out of marriage number 1 and eventually found marriage number 2 was how easy marriage could in fact be. ?

Yes, but that’s life, everything is hard work if you want to succeed!

I agree- anything worthwhile requires hard work at times.
I have been married for 40 years and think I have been very fortunate.

I am sorry that some of you find marriage hard work but I don't think it should be hard work.

I think I must have chosen well - I hope dh thinks so as well!!

I think it's fine to be happily (mostly) married. Also fine to be happily alone. I think I'd rather be unhappily alone than unhappily married though. Someone else making you miserable must be hell.