Is marriage hard work?

Is “hard work” the right wording? At times, I’m frustrated and irritated. Most of the time I’m happy and contented enough. I think if it was hard work, I’d leave!

Most relationships require a bit of work. Whether considered hard that is up to those involved. Think of ftiendships, work colleagues, family/siblings, membership of clubs, even neighbours. Of course with a few you can always walk away a lot easier than you can in a marriage. Sure those who are in long term relationships can remember the euphoria of the early days. Naturally the shine wears off with time, ruts develop. With a bit of effort the shine can be restored and the ruts smoothed out. Marriage does need work, but it surely shouldn't be hard.

I definitely think that marriage is hard work. I tried very hard to make mine work for 40 years but in the end we parted company (his decision in the end) but now I am so much happier on my own …. I can make all my own decisions, eat when I choose, go out when I choose, have friends here when I choose, watch my choice on the telly etc. etc. We are actually still married and now perfectly friendly. But no way would I ever want him back with me. I now look upon him as an elderly uncle who sometimes needs my support one way or the other.

No it is not hard work. But it is at times, work. Like life, it is not always blissfully romantic, it is balanced with times to reflect, learn and give a little more. My H and I, have now been married for 42 years and every year is better than the last. If you have a 'good' man, he is worth all the 'work'.

I think that marriages can be hard work sometimes but on the whole, the good times should outweigh the bad. If you have to continually swim through mud to get a small bite of the cherry, then it is just exhausting.
We try to impress on our children that when 2 people marry they become a team who pull together rather than pulling apart. We encourage them to stand up against the world rather than each other and to try to resolve arguments rather than win them. Whether our encouragement will help them in the long run, I don't know, but so far they have had reasonably long marriages and have managed to work through their problems. Of course, choosing the right person in the first place helps!
We spent the last couple of nights binge watching a Couples Counselling therapist working her magic on some of the most complex cases and it struck me how difficult it was when so many people are so damaged by their childhoods which they then bring to the marriage. They were mainly good people with such histories that made them awkward to live with. Good therapy helped them through it. Maybe that is the way forward for the OP's daughter's friend.

Yes. More so since the husband retired.

V hard work. We should really just be living separately and meet up as friends. Never been on the same wavelength. Although I gave birth to 2 sons I had 3 children. He is not a bad man just uninteresting and totally incurious. I am too demanding but gave up making the compromises after 20 years.

polnan

I find it strange that you say your DD is "supporting" her friend, yet seems to want to tell her how to proceed, or have I got that wrong?

all life is hard work

love the quote, marry if you can`t live without them, and don`t we widows/widowers find the truth of that when spouse dies...

sounds like your dd`s friend has the committment, but no details so who are we to comment or judge?

polnan, my DD is supporting her friend. No where do I suggest that she is trying to tell her how to proceed.

She does, however, think that it will be inevitable and her friend does often say she will leave him. DD will be there for her friend whatever happens. They have been friends for over 30 years which is why she is our 'spare' daughter.

Hubby and I married at aged 18 and 20. Now 64 and 66 we are nothing like the people we were when we started out. We handle stress and conflict differently -while I worry hubby chooses to bury his head in the sand. I'm the eternal optimist while he is a confirmed pessimist. However we both understand why the other operates in this way. Marriage is a journey with many potholes on the way. However you have to work hard to navigate through them together.

Maybe DD should advise her friend to look dee-inside herself to be sure that the problem is not bout her husband but also about her ?? It often is !! We all know the mantra that you cannot change others or their way of being, you can only change how YOU react to it. Wise words, not easy to follow but worth a try.
Other than that, put up with it, accept that there are always bad times as well as good, look on the current situation as a growing point - or walk away and try again thought there is no guarantee of happiness along that route either. Keep trying - at least that way she will not have to drag a sense of failure in her wake for ever more !! Then there's always Marriage Guidance - even suggesting it to him might be enough to start a change. HE's the one she should be taking to, not your DD. A look in the mirror is always helpful too.

Polnan, perhaps Kittylester's daughter is where we were with a friend of ours who walked around slating her husband for his unreasonable behaviour, lack of empathy, etc, etc. We gave bucket loads of sympathy, assisted her to get legal advice, counselling, etc, etc. After a number of years of this, we all agreed that she was never going to help herself and that we had done all we could so we would stop actively trying to help her. We let her complain for a short time, then would try to change the subject. One day, out of the blue, she announced she was leaving said husband. It turned out that she had met somebody else so had found the confidence to leave with his support. Personally, I thought it rather sad that she muddied the waters but maybe after all those years of living with her husband, she had lost all confidence in her ability to cope without him. It is a classic sign of abuse/coercive control but we didn't know that then.

It depends what is meant by ‘hard work’. If it means that someone is unhappy for the majority of the time; if a dark cloud decends on the house whenever her husband enters it; if he is thoughtless and unkind and uncaring this is a doomed relationship and it will end eventually, but sooner rather than later.
However divorce arises the parties will feel a sense of failure whether culpable or not. It is a waste of a life to stick with an unhappy situation, or fear that one will not cope alone.

In my opinion whether marriage is hard work or not depends on how you define hard work and how you define marriage.

Life is hard work at times and this applies whether we are talking about work, marriage, bringing up a family, or caring for elderly relations.

I honestly do not think divorce statistics necessarily tell us anything about whether marriage is hard or not. Divorce too depends largely on what the partners expected married life to be like and which problems they faced and that proved either insoluble or ones that they could not agree to solve.

Our generation grew up believing that romatic love was the only acceptable basis for marriage. This has largely influenced our expectations, causing some of us to give up when the romantic feelings changed. Others have soldiered on through the hard times and found good times on the other side of the hard ones.

Obviously, not everyone has been able to do so and indeed the hard part can be so hard that no-one should be expected to carry on.

If any young person asked me if marriage is hard work, my answer would be that yes, it is - at times. Being honest about your expectations and feelings should make it easier. You do perhaps at times need to ask yourself if the good part still outweighs and carries you both through the hard times. You should be able to ask and answer that question honestly if you feel you are reaching a point where you might want to call it a day.

I am in the fortunate position of being in calm waters after some fairly hard times and the even more fortunate one that neither of us have ever wanted to call it quits, We did not however get here without some humdinger battles on the way, but we still love and respect each other.

Mine was certainly 19 years of hard work, until he went to live with his Floozie.

I am little confused why hard work is assumed to be part and parcel of marriage. The term hard work is being used to denote something difficult and unpleasant that you really don’t want to do, surely this should not be a part of a loving relationship.
I have been married for 50 years this year and yes we have had differences of opinion and a few arguments but never would I consider any of those years to have been hard work

Increasing vulnerability with age, this is particularly difficult for me at present. But I have learnt to prioritise wisdom and kindness, which helps quite a lot.

When we married almost 52 years ago the advice we were given was “always try to give 75%, that way, if one of you can only manage 25%, the other picks up the shortfall”.

I have had only one marriage - 50 years this December. No, not hard work.

It's better to be in a marriage that is hard work than to be a widow,that really is hard work.

It is hard work I’ve found to my detriment that most woman still have to ask for things to be done when it’s plainly obvious it needs doing. It helps to not have to ask for help as you’re told it’s nagging lol.

Yes and no. I was married for 20 years and wouldn’t say that it was all hard work, but it certainly wasn’t as easy as it might have been. I’ve been on my own for 27 years since it ended and I really can’t imagine being with anyone again after all this time. Good luck to those it works for, but I don’t want to go through all that again.

It can be at times, but far outweighed by the times it is wonderful x

I've always been the independent sort, like to do my own thing and happy to be alone but my partner of 20 years likes us to be together All the time. Good thing -he still works. Bad thing - my legs don't work so need him to help sometimes. Life's a b..ch sometimes!

Yes, definitely! My DH likes to be molly-coddled now he had retired (he's been retired 20 years), doesn't like doing housework or any form of cooking. He likes to take the dog out for walks and enjoys gardening, but not in this weather. He thinks it's his job to find what he wants to watch on TV - yes he is hard work!

Yes