Do you have to be selfless to be a good mother?

Esmay. Mothers day can be so painful for so many.

I think we are all different and don't necessarily have to be selfless, we have to do what our instincts tell us. Some base mothering on what they got, others on what they think they should give and yet others whatever comes naturally.
The reaction of the children when they grow up can be exactly the same, some are automatically loving, others take all they can and yet others are a mix. You only have to look at siblings in a family and how they react to their mothers, they all differ.
I made sacrifices but didn't think of them as such at the time it came naturally to me and fealt it was the right thing for the family, not just me.
Some abandoned children adore the parent that went off but would probably have anyway. Others never the same again.Though it can be exactly the same in a family unit that stays together.
So no you don't have to be completely selfless as a mother but I think a bit of love and kindness goes a long way and hopefully rubs off.

I think as well that what some people call selfless and putting their cbildren first is actually enmeshed.

As one poster described being selfless is protecting their child from problems and issues, some however get too close and expect it to be a 2 way thing, they give and give to their child and expect the child to give and give back to their own detriment.

I think we are the parents and they are the children and until the day I don't have the mental or physical capacity otherwise, I will always be a parent and have my own friends for company and my own support ystem for life's issues. I'll always be the strong, safe place for my children and this will always be home.

If anyone (including children) only want a relationship with me because I put them first, then those are not people I want in my life.

I’d find myself quite sad that I’d failed as a parent, if my children only wanted me for what I did for them

My very wise friend told me that doing without so your children can have is wrong (She is a renowned psychologist) ancient civilisations the mother always fed herself first otherwise her children may be well fad but de from lack of care .
I think that can apply now if you totally immerse yourself in your children you're not doing them or you any favours
.I've taken a lot of stick on here for taking my children to work with me ,but they were never neglected and we are all incredibly close .

I think that 'selflessness' on the part of a parent can be damaging to children, as it can encourage them to grow up not realising that others have needs too. Also, people who do things in the expectation of thanks or appreciation are setting themselves up for disappointment, whether as parents, friends or spouses, as people don't like to feel beholden and can be resentful.

Quietly putting children first is, I think, more likely to result in a good relationship when they grow up. The details will vary, but I'm thinking of things like doing without a holiday yourself so they can go on the school trip, or not buying a new 'thing' (insert other item of choice) but paying for driving lessons. Done properly, the child will never know about the sacrifice, but will appreciate the result.

I think those are excellent examples of being selfless Doodledog. To me it means thinking of the child first and not being selfish. Some seem to equate that with being a doormat. I don’t.

All depended on individual circumstances. If one had a particular wish or need, the others became selfless in order to indulge them. We all seemed to have regular turns of this. Think it's called balanced sharing family life.

I was brought up with the saying “self last , others first.” I think this stayed with me for a long time and is still a guiding principle. I would say though that you can’t look after others unless you also look after your own health and well being. When my DH1 died my children were quite young. It was difficult to cope and I didn’t always put their interests first. I bitterly regret this now even though I know it wasn’t my fault.

I guess:

Selfless would be putting your child's wants before your needs

Selfish would be putting your wants before your child's needs

Balanced would be putting your child's needs first

Emotionally and physically

I agree with that. There must be a balance otherwise children will walk all over you and you'd lose their respect.

I was brought up to believe that if you love someone you should put that person's needs and wishes before your own, irrespective of whether we are talking about a child, a sibling, a spouse or anyone else.

Experience has taught me that trying to do this often breeds resentment. I can still hear my mother, who incalculaled the belief in my sister and myself, and who genuinely tried to live in accordance with it, saying "Here I am running around after all of you, and no-one ever thinks of me."

I think mothers like mine gave up too much of their selves in order to "love" their families and that that was not a good thing.

As long as your child, spouse, sister of whoever really knows that you love them, it cannot do them any harm to be taught that you too need time to do whatever you enjoy doing apart from them for a reasonable amount of time.

Selfless putting your kid's needs above your wants? Yes

Selfless in general? No. We are human beings that need self care. It makes us better mothers
Having boundaries is not selfish

Kate1949 Gagajo Esmay - very true. It’s hard but life goes on

I have 3 sons. When they became interested in girls and we hosted a party or get together for all the friends, I began noticing the girls and what the girls mothers said about raising them. There was a clear and destinct change happening. I then began to teach my sons laundry, cooking, shopping due to it. Sad but true, it was the mothers telling their girls to NOT be a slave to anyone....equal in all things. Each of my sons wound up marrying women who did not know how to cook, clean, do laundry, etc. Each of these women have thanked me profusely for teaching my sons how to care for the home. Things are not really equal though, it is a bit one sided but my sons don't seem to mind, they laugh about it, especially the fact they DO NOT allow the wife in the kitchen. Always be aware of trends and adapt for your child's survival and sanity later in life is my thinnking.

Personal charm can go a long way to make a selfish person loved and admired. For instance, Gagajo's post.

Am I the only person who lays in bed at night and thinks what a crap mother they were?

Oh to look back as confidently as the OP.

I think I ended up with better than I deserved.?

I do, Lathyrus! Beware the devils who emerge from the darkness in the wee small hours when vitality is low.

BTW I love lathyrus latifolius. It is rarely grown

Lathyrus

Am I the only person who lays in bed at night and thinks what a crap mother they were?

Oh to look back as confidently as the OP.

I think I ended up with better than I deserved.?

No, I am sure you are not the only mother to be unable to bask in the glow of self-righteousness ?.

Not at all Lathyrus and mine all recall the cringeworthy, toe curling incidents from the past where I was a bit rubbish too they revel in it!

I completely agree with your post Summerlove.

Children don't ask to be born so I think they should come first when they are young. Once they are adults I don't think they should be made to feel guilty for pursuing their own lives. With luck they will appreciate you. If you have a good relationship with them in adulthood that is a bonus but not a guarantee.

I think it's important for chikdren's development that they understand from an early age that their parents have needs too. I established a half-hour reading time for myself in the afternoons when my kids were quite young (preschool) and they weren't to bother me except for an emergency. They caught on pretty quickly and got very good at occupying themselves. So I got two plusses out of it: their understanding that I needed to be on my own sometimes and their understanding that they could cope of their own sometimes. Win win.

It's not selfishness to teach kids things like this. It's good for them.

Ah, the old "bugger off, I'm reading a book" lesson.
I used to teach that one, too.

White Elephant totally agree with you. I have 3 girls and 1 son, they were all taught to look after themselves from early on. I always worked from home so was available but with respect for my needs also. I put them all before my needs but it wasn't a choice? I wanted to, we worked at being a team and still are.
I enjoyed being their Mother and am well rewarded now.