Do you have to be selfless to be a good mother?

I adore my children (and their children) but I'm not sure I could be considered as completely selfless. Have I always tried to do my best for them? Yes! I don't think I can do better than that but they are mainly well rounded adults with even my most difficult child having a good relationship with me. I think it is more important for children to grow up to be resilient and considerate but I am not sure that their mother being entirely selfless would have achieved that.

Paperbackwriter

Do such questions ever get asked of men? I hate how women are forever agonising over whether they're good enough.

A good point there Paperbackwriter

Am I the only person who lays in bed at night and thinks what a crap mother they were?

No - I too have cringes in the middle of the night.
But on the whole I did/am doing my best and both Chn trust me with their own off-spring so must have got it right for them some of the time.

I dont consider I was a bad Mum. I did put my children first when they were younger. However I am not one of those mothers who hadn't let go. If my children need me I am here to help. They know that. However I let them get on with their lives and I don't really interfere. I always ask before I visit. Even the one that lives nearest. I couldn't let them still use my home as a hotel just walking in and out as they liked I would never expect them to let me do that to them either.

No. There is a balance there which is what should be aimed for.
Plus children should learn that parents have lives too!

I love being a mum and love my children to distraction. My pleasure has been to put them first. I enjoyed bringing them up so much. Call me old fashioned, I don't mind.
They have turned out well. Loving and kind and good parents and partners. I think motherhood is like any job you do...... you reap what you sew.

I had my 3 children early and as we were short of money I had to put them first . The plus side of this was by the time I was in my early 40s they were all grown up and I could then take care of myself. We went out every weekend and went on foreign holidays twice a year . I was doing all the things a lot of other people did in their 20s and 30s . My children are very close to me . I see them every week and are lovely people with children of their own .

Oh Rockgran how right you are!! My mother used to say exactly the same thing: children don’t ask to be born- you bring them into this world for your own pleasure, so you owe them everything and they owe you nothing- they will respect you if you respect them, and love you if you love them. But there is no absolute guarantee -assume and live with it if you can ( it would break my heart if my sons ignored me, but it’s their life and their choices) Now I’ll run and hide behind the settee!!

I was reluctant to be a mother. Maybe my upbringing. When 36 my husband of seven years said I might be leaving it too late. Had one son aged 33 today, St Patrick’s Day. He didn’t sleep the first five years as I followed mum’s advice to put him in bed at 6 p.m. so me and husband could have an evening. Thanks mum. He was wide awake by midnight Once he started primary school, he slept and I could enjoy motherhood. Such a surprise how great it was. OH worked weekends so me and son would have outings together and had such fun. Being a mother was nothing like I imagined and so much better. I gave up my job in the City and started a business from home and had au pairs so I was always around. We have an easy going relationship and he’s very encouraging of the things I do now I am retired, working as a film extra, selling on EBay etc. I don’t regret a moment (well maybe the sleepless nights) but think he got the work ethic from me. He works in TV just like his mum did. Wish I had triplets.

I do think parents are thrown in at the deep end with no training whatsoever.

No hard and and fast rule. Treat em mean keep em keen seems to work with some.being a smother mother works with others. The truck is finding the method that works for you, I never did ergo estranged from#2DS and close to #1DS. GO FIGURE!

For me it is simple.....I cannot be happy if my DDs and DGC are not happy. My greatest pleasure is to be of some assistance whether that is with time, money, or just a listening ear. But this works both ways. Now that I am old, widowed and not as confident with things (especially doing everything on line) as I used to be, they give me great support and help. They call this 'pay-back time'. Still I have a great need to play my part in the family and am delighted when asked to mind the now teenage DGC, perhaps when they are off school, unwell, etc. I also fulfil the role of proof reader for DDs as they both often have important written submissions/reports, etc. which must be perfect. This makes me feel useful - a labour of love.

Granny23

You have a great dynamic going on in your family! Glad it is working out so well

I loved being a mum and still do. I'd have loved to have been a GM but as we're estranged from our youngest son and only GC that is very unlikely to happen.

I was and am a good mum and it's good to know that despite losing our youngest.