Do you have to be selfless to be a good mother?

Depends what you mean by ‘selfless’. I’d say I would almost always put my children’s needs first, but not necessarily their wishes.

For several years when our children were all young, I had a friend who was an absolute doormat/slave to hers. To me that was the awful warning - I was never going to do the same.

I agree with you Sago. My priority was always for my children, and I could never understand mothers who couldn’t wait for children to go back to school after holidays. I did pass up on opportunities for myself, but have never resented that - the time with them passes so quickly. It was a proud moment for me when DS’s tutor said it was obvious he had a stable background - he didn’t there were lots of troubles at home leading to divorce and afterwards. I felt that the effort I had put in was vindicated

I was a selfless mother and now have very little relationship with my AC. I put up with years of coercive control from their father but kept everything "normal" for them. I took the decision to divorce him once they had both left home and were settled. They now see him as the injured party and he controls them with money. For my own mental health I have had to step away from them as they can be very spiteful at times and I'm no longer willing to put up with it. My ex had a new eonan in his life before we were even divorced and according to my one AC she is wonderful and they are very happy. I have chosen to remain single for now and an dreading my time with goid friends, taking holidays when I want and getting fit. As got my AC they may see the light one they may not but I cannot let them affect what time I have left.

Am spending my time with good friends....etc

Still put my adult children first. And my grandchildren. Would change arrangements to help them out.

Kate1949 It has been my experience as a therapist, that selfish people seldom make good parents. However, what you, and TwiceasNice mentioned is correct. Children of selfish parents will adore these parents, and continue to crave that parent's love way into old age. The selfish parent who left is adored, whilst the parent who stayed and put in the love and the hard work is sometimes not as valued, or taken for granted. Unfortunately, this can also have a negative impact on the type of partners they themselves choose.

Tooyouongtobeagrandma you have put in the work and done the best you could under difficult circumstances . . . now it is time for you . . . I wish you all the best.

I think parenting has its own territory of 2 way love and respect. I come from an era where it seemed natural to want to give your 'kids' a better life than you had, a 24/7 obligation. Not particularly selfish or selfless, just love and caring.

I think there’s a balance. I put the welfare of my children first, but they always knew that I, and others, had feelings too.

My mother was quite selfish and often put her own needs before those of her children, but being ‘selfless’ can’t be good either. I think prioritising the needs (not wants) of small children is a must, but as they grow surely we need to demonstrate how to ‘give and take’?

Juggling disparate needs is a cornerstone of good relationships that I think children need to learn in the home. I could have ‘selflessly’ washed and ironed and cooked and cleaned for my children until they left home, but instead I taught them how to do those things from a young age. It made my life slightly easier, but also encouraged them to take responsibility for themselves, so that by the time they left home they had acquired the necessary skills to be healthily independent.

My children are now raising their own children in ways that emulate their own upbringing (thanks in no small part to my lovely son/daughter-in-law) and I take that as an endorsement that, in spite of me making inevitable mistakes along the way, my children approved of and enjoyed their own childhoods

My own mantra was to parent differently from my own mother in just about everything! ?

I don’t think the degree of how selfless / selfish you are necessarily decides how good your relationship with your children will be. If you are nagging or over anxious it won’t compensate if you put yourself last all the time. Children are often proud of mothers who are pretty, well dressed, are successful in their careers etc, even if achieving this may seem a bit selfish. I think other aspects of personality can be more important to relationships with kids such as being cheerful and positive and not being over critical of them, and not expecting them to be grateful for sacrifices you have made.

Whatever line you take is wrong in someone's eyes. Those who look 'soignee' are 'heartless bitches', those who don't have 'let themselves go' etc. You just have to do what you can live with and try to be fair to self, partner and children - of course not possible all the time.

Selfcare is not selfish! Perhaps you misunderstood each others meaning of the words.

It's easily done as its a common misunderstanding. Alot of people don't understand the difference or know the difference of self-care and selfish.

There has to be an amount of selfcare to do your best at anything in life.

Whether or not it as anything to do with their poor relationship is anyone guess.

Not all adult children carry on a close relationship with their parents when they grow up. That can be for many reasons.

Sometimes it can be personalities, adult children can be indifferent. Not always because of background.

I'm fortunate that I have a close loving relationship with my youngsters.

However, part of their childhood wasn't easy, just as mine hadn't been. I/we went through an extremely acrimonious divorce to the ex who was abusive. He is not in their lives anymore, and hasnt been for 20 years.

Yes I worked with them to rebuild our shattered lives. Then their is the opposite side which I see through my work I see the other side.

Not about making judgments as every case is different

I think this also sums it up

I know many beautiful, well turned out mothers who equally take pride and care in themselves, as well as their children. Doing everything for your children and not letting them learn about life is never a good thing. I also know many who, part of large families grew up on a farm, and they will tell you their many daily chores around the farm helped them learn many life skills and therefore causing them to grow up to be balanced and caring people, and parents.

I agree with Miss adventure

Totally agree with MissAdventure. Yes to an extent your children come first but not to the point of providing endless childcare for their children. The same with finances.

Do such questions ever get asked of men? I hate how women are forever agonising over whether they're good enough.

I definitely put my children first (and still do in a way) and wouldn’t have had it any other way
I don’t mean I do everything for them or give them everything but they were my priority in every way I could manage

Agree with the 'balance' theory. But I do question why many people have children when they're not prepared to change their lifestyles to accommodate them. Having children is an existential change but so many couples fail to acknowledge this and think they can somehow or other make the babies/children 'fit' around them. They never have time to go and watch them doing creative activities at school, want to preserve their ability to have weekends away without the children, and then wonder why there's no real bond when the kids go off to university and don't want to come home in reading weeks or even at the end of term. For many it is unfortunately just part of a conveyor belt which they see their counterparts also being on and they never develop any decent relationships with their children, regretting it in later life when they're old and lonely.

I have always put my children first and always will. I now put my children plus grandchildren first. They are vulnerable and need someone to be there at their backs. To be fair, I’ve always been open about this with partners. If they object, they’re not for me.

I think everyone is different, that every parent and every child.
I accept that children have needs and these need to be tended to, that's not 'wants' but needs.
Being different every child doesn't necessarily love and respect a parent better than the next for any sacrifices they may have made. All relationships need working at, and role modeling for the next generation is important. Showing a child that every person (parent & child) needs to be appreciated and looked after is an important message for their future parenting, and how they look after themselves in the future!

Agree with Baggs

MissAdventure

It's important to retain a sense of self.
Each person is as important as the next, and it's an excellent lesson for families to learn.

I want to be regarded and respected as a person in my own right, not just as some kind of martyr.

I absolutely agree with this. Too much self-sacrifice and martyrdom results only in spoilt, self-centred little dictators. Obviously you need your children to feel secure and valued, but you don't need to sacrifice your own life.

Agree with TwiceAsNice