Do you have to be selfless to be a good mother?

I don't know any good parents who don't worry about being bad ones

If I could go back to the beginning with everything I've learnt in the actual decades of parenting I've done I might do a bit better lol

GagaJo

Kate1949

I know someone who left her husband and four children (the youngest was 6) with her husband who she said was violent, for another man. The man died, as did her next husband. She now has another husband. Her children are grown up now and appear to think the world of her. She never put them first in any way. It was all about what she wanted.

Yes, my bloke's ex wife left him for another man. She was pregnant within 2 weeks of starting the affair and left her current children with my bloke, saying there was no room for them at her new house with her new man and their new baby.

The two older children adore her. She can do no wrong, whereas my bloke, their father who was always there for them and was very selfless with them, is an afterthought.

Blood is thicker than water, they say.

As a young mum ( i had my daughter at 18 and my son at 21 ) i was always right there for them BUT if i needed to do anything, i did it. Looking back i would say i gave my children the best of me, certainly not spoiling them materialistic wise because i didn't have a lot of money, but certainly spoiling them with love, care, understanding, time but can you spoil your child with love ?

Now i am just the same with my grandchildren, i have a relationship with all my GC that i consider to be just the same as it was for my children, obviously its different with my 2 GD abroad, but distance has made it that way.

Am I the only person who lays in bed at night and thinks what a crap mother they were?

If you did your best at the time, in the circunstances you had to deal with, you weren't crap.

Blood is thicker than water, they say not always Baggs and you're right, you can only ever do your best. That's all any of us can do.

Baggs

^Am I the only person who lays in bed at night and thinks what a crap mother they were?^

If you did your best at the time, in the circunstances you had to deal with, you weren't crap.

How about when my six year old announced “I’m going to play Mummies” and picked up a briefcase and shut herself in my study?

You do the best you can for your children, but always putting their needs first is tricky. Does that mean staying at home with them because they like you to be there, but then they feel deprived because you can’t afford the things their friends have?
Does it mean having to go to work so your children can have or do more of what they see as being their entitlement?
Does it mean doing everything for them? In the end they won’t thank you for that because it makes it harder for them to become independent. I think my mum got it about right, so thank you Mum. My children are still close so here’s hoping I managed the balance.

How about when my six year old announced “I’m going to play Mummies” and picked up a briefcase and shut herself in my study?
?

My daughter had a Playmobil dolls' house, and the dad doll spent literally all his time on the loo with a newspaper, whilst the mum doll was always putting the baby to bed (despite its cries that it wasn't tired?). Obviously those things happened chez Dog; but no more than in most houses, I'm sure.

????

Lathyrus, Doodledog, ????

No, the selfless mums, tend to be the ones who then sacrifice themselves to their children when they are adult and wonder why their children treat them as doormats.

I taught my children that we function as a family and it means everyone has their place and their independence and we need to be prepared to not expect our own way all the time and sometimes give other people precedence. That meant, I provided a taxi service taking them to and from usicc lessons, dancing, gym etc and for two years they had to accept that for one day a week in term time, they would be taken to some mutual friends at 7.00am, who would give them breakfast, take them to school and collect and feed them in the evening until I came to collect them about 7.00pm while I was doing a day release course to get fully qualified in my profession.

I see my DS and DDiL doing exactly the same thing. I have a very happy relationship with my AC. We are going on holiday together twice this year, mainly at their request.

I don't think I was a selfless mother, but I loved having my children and it wasn't a hardship. Since they settled with partner and spouse I have learned they realised the struggles I went through with a feckless/ absent/divorced father and appreciate them, and we have a good relationship. Worth everything.

Am I the only person who lays in bed at night and thinks what a crap mother they were? No, Lathyrus, you're not. I also thing I should have stuck to my guns about not wanting children and not given in to the social pressure to have a family.

*think

Like others here, I think it has to be a balance. Having chosen to become a mother, I did things for my children without thinking of it, including balancing a household budget to be able to include sports, dance, school trips etc. My DH and I never had a trip or even weekend away by ourselves until youngest was in his teens. Money for post secondary schooling was squirreled away, and nary a pedicure was enjoyed.

How does that compare to some modern mums? When I see all the puffed lips, fake fingernails and 'girl weekends' away, I wonder if there is some money in savings accounts for children as well.

But I (or we, as parents) are not slaves to our children. We had limits on gifts, rides home at all hours, expected them to pay for some of their post-secondary education costs. I hope and think that we have their respect, and know we have their love.

But I would never make any large life-changing decisions without taking my children into consideration. I know one divorced woman who left for a better job in another city, leaving full time custody with her ex. I would have struggled on less money to stay close to them. Nonetheless, she still maintains a very good relationship with them now as adults.

MissAdventure

It's important to retain a sense of self.
Each person is as important as the next, and it's an excellent lesson for families to learn.

I want to be regarded and respected as a person in my own right, not just as some kind of martyr.

Agree!

SuzieHi

MissAdventure
It's important to retain a sense of self.
Each person is as important as the next, and it's an excellent lesson for families to learn.

I want to be regarded and respected as a person in my own right, not just as some kind of martyr.
Agree!
Agree x2

Am I the only person who lays in bed at night and thinks what a crap mother they were?

I certainly never did this, but I also never lay in bed congratulating myself on being a perfect mother.

Like the majority of us, I was a fair to middling mother, but most of all, my children felt secure and loved.

I agree with smileless 2012 - we want to set a good example to our children and bring them up as loving independent people whore able to make considered decisions for themselves that is not done by showing them to be a good mum you need to be selfless. Your relationship with your children does not hinge on whether you have been a selfless mother but on so many other things.

When my children were young they were my whole life....I worked part time and we had loads of time to do all the fun things children love....We weren't like the Waltons and during teenage years had our fair share tantrums but I always told them how much I loved them....They are both parents themselves now and we are still as close today....Unconditional love ! and lots of it is a must when bringing up a family....xxx

I think that you have to put your children first to some extent , as you need to in any relationship to make it work. Many of us do that without thinking about it, often following what our own mother .
You only have to look at some of the members of the government that were raised by nannies and then packed off to boarding school as soon as the parents that puttheir children first either by choice or tradition !

I think, as an adult, it’s important not to rely only on your children for fulfilment. It’s not fair on them. All children are individuals and what suits one child, won’t suit another. It’s about balance. I strive for mutual affection, respect and kindness. I resented my own mother for her over bearing and controlling behaviour (I’ve come to realise she had mental health issues) and would rather have her neglect that the all encompassing adoration that smothered my youngest brother. It’s about balance. Our children didn’t ask to be born and for that, we owe them! We also owe it to them to expect it’s a two way street. I’ve sacrificed for my children, without resentment.

As others say, it’s a total balancing act. As a single mum, my 3 never went without, they had love and security but were never spoilt, they had boundaries etc but sometimes my needs came before theirs. We are allowed to have our own needs and our kids need to accept others needs too. My 3 have all grown up incredibly successful and very decent people. I have 2 close friends, who were very affluent, the kids always came 1st and had absolutely everything that money could buy, holidays abroad etc Sadly for all 4 of those indulged children they’ve all grown up with alcohol, drugs, relationship and gambling issues. So it seems that if the kids always come 1st, it does not prepare them for life’s ups and downs, and their coping mechanisms are just not there when life does not go their way.

We all parent differently, I too has to work as no real choice, but I did(& still do) out my children first whenever possible & certainly mostly before my own needs, but that was my choice and I have, in the main, great relationships with my four adult children and my adult step daughter