Silly Songs

JackyB here you are:

What’s the use of wearing braces
Vests and pants and boots with laces
Hats and spats you get from places
Down the old Kent Road.

What’s the use of shirts of cotton
Studs that always get forgotten
These affairs are simply rotten
Better far is woad.

Woad’s the stuff to show men
Woad to scare your foemen
Boil it to a brilliant hue
Then rub it on your back and your abdomen
Ancient Briton never hit on
Anything quite like woad to fit on
Neck and knees and where you sit on
Tailors you be blowed.

Romans came across the Channel
All wrapped up in tin and flannel
Half a pint of woad per man’ll
Dress us more than these.

Saxons you can waste your stitches
Building beds for bugs in britches
We have woad to clothe us which is
Not a nest for fleas.

Romans keep your armours
Saxons your pyjamas
Hairy coats were meant for goats
Gorillas, yaks, retriever dogs and llamas
Tramp up Snowdon with your woad on
Never mind if you get rained or snowed on
Never need a button sewed on
Go it, Ancient Bs

nanna8 I knew that one too.

Auntie Mary had a canary
Up the leg of her drawers
When she farted it departed
With a round of applause

Hey diddle diddle
The cat did a piddle
All over the kitchen floor
The little dog laughed
To see such fun
So the cat did a little bit more

I had an aunty Nellie
She had a wooden belly
And every time you touched it
It turned into jelly

AskAlice

Oh the black cat widdled in the white cat's eye
The white cat said "I'll tell your mother"
Then the white cat said "Don't give a d**mn"
And widdled into the other!

Sung to my mum by my Nanny when she was little!! We learnt it too, and sang it to my two DGs, with strict instructions that it was not to be sung anywhere but at home...

My Nan uses to sing
"Oh the black cat peed in the white cat's eye,
And the white cat said, Cor Blimey.
And the black cat said, that's what you get,
If you walk close behind me"

Another one...
Hot snot, pleghm and bogey pie,
All mixed together with a scabby dog's eye.
Get a bit of bread,
Spread it on thick.
Then wash it down with a cup o'cold sick!!

Blame my grandmother, born 1902.

The Coporation Muck Cart was full up to the brim,
The Coporation driver fell in and could not swim.
He sank right to the bottom just like a little stone,
but you could hear him whistling: There's no place like home.

This one never had a tune:

Mrs White got a fright
in the middle of the night
Saw a ghost
Eating toast
Half-way up a lamp-post.

Our version of While Shepherds watched was:

While shepherds washed their socks by night
all seated round the tub,
a bar of Lifebouy soap came down
and they began to scrub

There was also a rude version of Hark the Herald Angels sing which began
Hark, the Glasgow Herald sings
Beecham's pills are just the thing

Anyone remember the rest of it? It was too rude for us to be allowed to sing it, although we could sing the others plus

Ye can't put your muck in our dust-bin, our dust-bin, our dust-bin
Ye can't put your muck in our dust-bin, our dust-bin's full.
There's rats in't, there's cats in't, there's me faither's ould spats in't
So ye can't put your muck in our dust-bin, our dust-bins full.

Then of course there are various versions of John Brown's body, for instance

John Brown's baby had a spot upon his bott,
John Brown's baby had a spot upon his bott,
John Brown's baby had a spot upon his bott,
So they rubbed his bott with camphorated oil.
Camphor, camphorated, camphorated oil
Camphor, camphorated, camphorated oil
Camphor, camphorated, camphorated oil
So they rubbed his bott with comphorated oil.

This has give me a good laugh, I know many of them but there are variations. My darling Granddad used to watch Songs of Praise & would sing the rude words to the hymns, he served in WWI. Mum would say hush Dad . He came to live with us when I was 9

Some of the others I know were sung by Mike Harding aka the Rochdale Cowboy, look up Mike Harding lyrics for Uncle Joe's Mint Balls

My dd's father taught her a rudish version of Jack be nimble, at a concert when she was at nursery school the children were asked who would like to recite a poem, you guessed it she recited
Jack be nimble Jack be quick Jack jump over the candlestick, silly boy should have jumped higher, goodness gracious great balls of fire, the audience loved it, l was mortified lol

Beecham's pills:

Move you gently, meek and mild
Two for an adult, one for a child.....

- any more?

Skinny malinky long legs
Big banana feet
Went to the pictures and couldnae get a seat
When the picture started
Skinny malinky farted
Skinny malinky long legs
Big banana feet

Sorry just saw my offering already posted

JackyB

And talking of songs we sang at guides we had one about the Ancient Britons to the tune of Men of Harlech. I might have the words somewhere.

Part of it went

Climb up Snowdon with your woad on
Never mind if you get rained or snowed in
You'll be happy with your woad on, go it ancient B's.

www.henriettes-herb.com/archives/best/1995/woad-song.html

While shepherds washed their socks by night
all seated round the tub,
a bar of Lifebouy soap came down
and they began to scrub

Our version was "The angel of the Lord came down
And gave them all a scrub".

Our version of While Shepherds Watched is very time specific:

While Shepherds Watched their flocks by night,
All watching ITV,
The Angel of the Lord came down,
And Switched to BBC.

Skinny malinkey long legs
Umbrella feet
Went to the pictures
And fell through the seat!

This may have already been posted. I've just noticed this fun thread and haven't trawled through them all yet.

Happy birthday to you,
Squashed tomatoes and stew.
Bread and butter in the gutter,
Happy birthday to you

My dad was a RN man an Duncan when I was in junior school he taught me this rhyme (no tune):

Are are chick a rar
Chick a rar rooney
Rooney pooney
Ping pong piney
Alla balla whisky
Chinese chum!

I have since taught it to my grandchildren, aged 10 and 5y.
Who love it.
It’s fun the faster you say it!

No idea of it’s origins.

* ignore the name.
It was just meant to be ‘and’.

Oh Legs55 look up Mike Harding lyrics for Uncle Joe's Mint Balls

I can’t think of those without a memory.
Bit rude but funny.

I shared an office with another medical secretary in the hospital where we worked. One day I bought a tin of said mint balls into work. I offered her one. We were quietly sucking and typing and in fun I made a face across the desk at her.

“What’s up?” she asked.
“Not sure” I replied, sticking my fingers in my mouth.

“Ugh! I think it’s a pubic hair”.

We laughed like drains. ?

Oh ahaaa
I lost my bra
And left my knickers
In my boyfriends car

There was a woman of 92, parlez vous,
Did a fart that missed the loo, parlez vous.
Fart went rolling down the street, knocked a copper off his feet.
Inky pinky parlez vous.

Sung to ‘We three kings’:
‘We three kings of Trafalgar Square
Selling ladies underwear
They’re fantastic
No elastic
Why don’t you buy a pair?’
Or:
‘We three kings of Orient are
One in a taxi, one in a car
One on a bicycle
Eating an icicle
The rest, a chocolate bar!’
We loved singing those as children!

After the ball was over
She took out her glass eye
Threw her false leg in the corner
From her hair shook the dye

Does anyone know the rest ?