I know,I said I need to be nicer...

That's the thing, too.
I'm not able to go out and about.
My health isn't very good.

I'm a sitting duck.
She did take on my other neighbour - going to the shop for her, cooking dinner every night.

(I was a bit cross, actually, because I really could have done with a tiny bit of help and I didn't see her, apart from when she passed my flat on her way out)

Now things have changed, and she is back onto my case.

Very strange behaviour, really.

If you think you will never need her assistance then take drastic action. If you think you might at some point need her then try something less drastic, at least initially. I'm really off now for tonight!

Sleep well.
I feel better for having a moan.

This situation is unbearable! and is making you ill. Sounds like dementia to me , many GPs pass symptoms off as stress. Even if you deter her you will be in fear of ' she may come knocking ' she has taken over your life and somehow someway it has to stop. Easier said than done I recognize that. Has she a family member you can talk to , ask them to contact her GP ? You may have to move , unfair for you but may be your only way through this . You should not have to spend your time putting up baby gates, writing notices to go on your door or hiding away when she shouts through your letter box! The only small bit of advice I can offer is to refuse every bit of help she offers - even if at times you could do with that help. More than likely she has forgotten how often she comes round ! I am so sorry you are living like this - can social services help ? Ring and ask to speak to someone who deals with dementia or the elderly. Tell them exactly what you have told us and let them know you fear for your physical/ emotional/mental health. Be as proactive as possible and never never feel guilty. The police may be a port if call , she is causing a disturbance. They may point you in the right direction. Is she ederly - age concern?? Local Alzheimer's Society. Good luck and keep posting , let us know how you are doing.

If it’s early-dementia related, it can be very hard to deal with - she simply won’t remember having called round X times before. I do hope you find a way, MissAdventure - I can well imagine how exhausting it must be.

At one point my mother was ringing my poor brother up to 30 times in one hour - it was seriously affecting his mental health. It was no earthly use saying anything - she simply couldn’t remember that she’d only just spoken to him.

When she finally moved to a care home we were asked whether we wanted a phone in her room. You can imagine our reply!
Funnily enough, though, although she did frequently ask staff during the first couple of weeks to ‘ring my son’, it was amazing how quickly she forgot about it.

I was going to add that in my experience if someone is being awful to you they are probably being awful to someone else too. Although it seems you are her main target and she needs you as an ally.
I would find that behaviour invasive and would be far less nice than you are.
I have a neighbour/friend who never knocks but calls out and walks in to wherever I am which I suppose can be seen as friendly. She worked in a residential home so maybe your neighbours life as a cleaner gives her a feeling of confidentiality? But several times a day? No no no

First of all, don't let her in your home/onto your property. This is a just say No situation. Don't offer reasons.
Write a long list of excuses why you can't stop and chat. Have them to hand.
Can I suggest you buy some ear buds? Develop a fascination for heavy metal or Audible stories, and use that to ignore the phone or the door knocker.
Personally I'd disconnect the doorbell.
A slightly dangerous suggestion - take your lunch to her flat every day at 1pm. Stay 30 minutes and leave with 'See you tomorrow for lunch'
Good luck.

MissAdventure

This morning I was brushing my teeth.
She came right down the hall, shouting my name, while I was shouting back "ughblaeeeeth!"

If I sit indoors, she shouts "I'm just going to sit out here!"
Yep, ok.
"I saw that bloke today and he said he hasn't seen so-and- so..."
Oh.
"Hang on, I'll just come in and tell you"
Sigh.

Have you been leaving your front door unlocked?

Could you get some net curtains for the window?

Oh gawd. MissA
I’ve only read the first page, but blimey, what an awful situation.
You absolutely aren’t being unreasonable by any stretch.
I have no advice, sorry, but just wanted to give you a totally fleeting and silent hug and

So sorry for you.
Time to act though, you have to be really firm with her, probably over and over again. Tell her that you are having some personal issues and you want some quiet time alone without coming to the door. Try to not allow her to engage you in anything else. Carry on like this and she will find something/someone else to bother.
You are her best friend and go to person. Good luck

I wish I had the answer for you, I don't. The ideal for me with neighbours, is to be friendly at a distance. Christmas cards, birthday cards and that is it. We very very rarely go into each other's houses and one who is the Neighbourhood Watch person keeps an eye on our house when we are away and has our spare key. That's it. I dread them moving as we have been neighbours for 20/30 years. I tried to help neighbours across the road who have enormous difficulties mostly self inflicted. I had an abusive phone call and that was it, I think the expression is, I ghosted them. They know not to ask for help and as they treated other neighbours in the same way that is it, no one helps them. Carers visit them daily so there is someone keeping an eye on them. Toxicity has to be kept as far away as possible. You have been kind and really now have to be kind to yourself as obviously she isn't being kind to you and whatever the reason she is your neighbour not a family member and so not your responsibility. You are your responsibility. Best of luck with however you deal with this.

It's obvious that you have a kind heart otherwise you would have dealt with her ages ago, I think?
If you really want to stop her then you need to be tough and tell her positively.
She would drive me mad! You've been so patient...

I've not been in your situation but can sympathise. How suffocating this situation is for you. Are you able to keep your door locked at all times? You definitely need to reset the relationship so some earlier suggestions sound sensible in the short term, such as blinds closed and having a 'nap'. She sounds incredibly needy and is masking that as helping you out. I think there might come a point when you snap though. Goodness knows, I would have done many years ago. You are a much nicer person than me.

If You have already approached her relations and nothing has happened, tell them again you are going to report her to the Social Services it sounds like early onset Dementia. If they take no notice then threaten to tell the police, in a way it is a kind of stalking. Your life is not your own.
How do your relations feel about it maybe they could complain to the Social services saying her behaviour is detrimental to your health.
Have you got a neighbourhood watch? you could also tell them and see if they know someone who would appreciate her attention though that would be doubtful.
I think I would be prepared to have the door locked and get some blinds that you can partially open and just sit it out for as long as it takes. Maybe a card in the window as someone else suggests saying, No casual visitors.
You are in a very difficult situation.

Gosh!

I'd have snapped at her by now, probably bitten her whole head off in fact. So to speak.

I'm in the stop answering, stop responding camp. Lock your doors. Do not call an answer if she shouts. Switch your phone off or unplug a landline.

I think the suggestion of voluntary work for her is a good idea too. Could she help at a food bank, perhaps, or at a charity shop?

I think I'd be straight with her and say that if my door is locked, I want to be left alone.

You must have the patience of a saint to have stood this for so long.

Your situation sounds absolutely awful, MissAdventure. I would not be able to bear to have my personal space, either my home or my head, invaded like that

In your place, I can't honestly say what I'd do, as I hate confrontation, especially with someone who lives so close-by.

If I were a different person, but still wanted to try not to upset her too much, I might try telling her that I need some alone time at that moment, and would she mind leaving me alone.
If she then hung around trying to find out why, or chat about anything at all, I would repeat that I need some alone time, and would she mind leaving. After that, I would close my eyes and refuse to engage with her any further.
In this imaginary scenario, I would do this every time she was unwelcome, while perhaps sometimes engaging with her if I felt like it, and that eventually she would be 'trained' to leave if I asked her to.

Now back to the real world, and all I can do is wish you the best of luck, as you very much need it

Looks as if your poor neighbour is becoming increasingly needy and compulsive in her behaviour. She clearly needs to be needed but she doesn't respect boundaries and although she hears what you say, she doesn't actually listen....or remember. It's doubtful, therefore, that any conversation with you attempting to explain how this is affecting and causing you problems is going to get you anywhere. She won't be interested, focussed, it'll be immediately forgotten.

You don't say what sort of age she is - younger than you? But she's obviously strong enough to involve herself in 'doing good deeds' all over the place. Sadly, she's not picking up on the fact that recipients should have a choice! And at the moment, you're 'it' - the target for good works and visits which maybe give her purpose and make her feel a bit better about her own life.

Don't waste a minute thinking you're mean or need to be nicer. Apart from the fact that this Forum will show you couldn't be much nicer or kinder or more patient and sympathetic, your neighbour's attitude towards you seems to be based more on her own needs to fulfil some role in life - never mind what you say or feel.

Rather than contact Adult Social Care or her Surgery with concerns you might have about her, and since you have spoken to her family it's possibly time to let them know how you are being impacted by her behaviour. Tell them, personally or in a letter, that you are concerned about her and the fact that she is obsessed with being in your life day on day and relentlessly, whatever you say. This is not a complaint, tell them, but you feel they need to know so that at least when she starts complaining about you and your 'absence' they'll know the facts and can keep reminding her that you do have your own life and responsibilities and friends etc., and you need time and peace now to live your life as you choose. It's nothing personal, tell them, you are just struggling to deal with something that has become overwhelming. Over to them, basically!

Plan your retreat from the trap that you find yourself in by keeping your door locked, windows covered, all the things which make it too easy to monitor your comings and goings or just to walk in when they choose. Become inaccessible - at least until she moves on to someone or something else. You don't need to be any nicer than you are! (Many on this Forum will know this!) Just make the neighbour's behaviour more difficult to experience up close and personal. Don't be sad, you're doing nothing wrong and make sure you hold on to your sense of humour and determination. You can succeed with this, I think, but not by trying to change your neighbour.
Stay strong - wishing you the best of luck with this.

MissA, people have said to keep the door locked and blinds down.

You said :
Doing that would mean being stuck in my flat with the door shut, and hiding away.

I'd feel exactly the same but you probably will have to do a bit of that along with whatever other measures you think might help eg spelling out the situation to her family, contacting social services.

Locking yourself in long term definitely shouldn't be an option, tho.

MissA
Well I'm almost lost for words as you have enough to deal with concerning your health and the dreaded UC issues.

I would have to tell her to let you have some quiet time. You need it with everything else going on. Sometimes there is only the direct approach.

Hope you had a peaceful nights sleep MissAdventure .
She clearly doesnt have any understanding of the effect of her behaviour, so it does seem as if she has early onset dementia, or some type of personality problem. Which I would imagine could be very difficult to change.

Some good advice already posted so I wont repeat.
It is a very difficult situation for you to navigate.

Actually one thing that I wondered about, was the neighbour she was walking past your flat to help, how did it end?
Were there specific reasons that stopped her visits?
Perhaps you could copy them?
Best of luck.

Are you needing to go from

www.youtube.com/watch?v=SqZWZTu1veA

to

www.youtube.com/watch?v=M635ClShkqc

?

She seems to think you're lonely, MissAdventure, and need looking after!
I wonder if she had some sort of care job in the past, or is just a woman who needs to be caring for others and looking out for them?
And, regardless of all her visitors, she could be lonely, too, wanting a special kind of person, like a BFF, and you seem to be it!
I'd definitely go for the 'I need to nap/de-stress' for certain amounts of time per day and put your notice on the door, and remove the batteries to the doorbell and switch off, or turn down the volume, on phones etc!!
Or maybe have someone visit you so that you're busy when she's due to visit!
Headphones may help. Do you not have a garden you could disappear into, away from her?

Well, she died, so I'm not keen to take that route myself.

Again, the first words from my neighbour were "Well, I won't miss her".
That's another reason why I think it is solely about fulfilling her own need, rather than kindness. (Although she can also be kind, of course)

A lot of the the things she does are not from the point of view of not understanding, or forgetting, it is more compulsive.

Going out every day during lockdown.
Going out during those hot days we had.
Washing her goldfish tank out (and the fish!) with washing up liquid.

I have learned that on certain things, she won't be advised or told, because her need overrides anything one might say.

It also means that her sole topics of conversation are centred around cleaning, washing, and other things I have no interest in, particularly when I feel poorly.

I have ignored the door knocking today, and am "lolloping" on my bed.
It's my back door that her flat overlooks, and which I like to keep open, so i can pop in and out and look at my plants.
It's about all i can manage these days, and it's becoming impossible.

Sorry, that first bit was in answer to namsnanny.

Visitors?
She couldn't come down any faster if she had a rocket up her behind when she sees I have a visitor, (very rare, anyway) so she can tell them about herself!

Oh my goodness, this would be my worst nightmare!! I’m not anti social but neither could I have neighbours being so intrusive. Would it make any difference if you just poured your heart out to her and explained that whilst you value her friendship, you just need to spend more time alone? Maybe agree certain times of the day or even days of the week to get together? I think maybe she is suffering some form of dementia. I really do sympathise, hope you get it sorted ?