Were you a disappointment to your parents ?

Ohh this is a very good question because .....

I was adopted and saw nothing but love, care, guidance and understanding from my mum and dad, gran and grandad. I know i was a lovely, good (very shy daughter ) and they were proud of me .... and then the teenage years descended
.. i reflect back now with horror at the way i spoke to my poor mum and dad, ohhhhh atrocious. I went through the rebellion stage with a capital 'R'.
Looking back ( which I have done countless times ) I deeply regret the way I conducted myself to the 2 people who loved me unconditionally, BUT despite those shameful years, they knew i loved them SO very much, they were my world and I know 100% that I was not a disappointment.

I wasn’t a disappointment in my childhood. My mother often said that when I was born she couldn’t believe she had got what she wanted - a girl. They already had a boy, and I don’t think she ever thought much of boys. Then when I was grownup my father, talking of me as achild, - I can repeat this because none of you know me - said I was “perfect. You were good, you were beautiful, you were clever”. Note the past tense.

I went on being perfect until in my mid-twenties, when I had the distinct feeling that in order not to be a disappointment I had to be married, and I showed no sign of that. This feeling came mostly from my father - I don’t think my mother minded much. Luckily I did marry in my late twenties, so that was all right. However, my assertiveness was seen as aggression, not feminine enough. One day my mother said “Whatever happened to my lovely daughter?”. That really hurt, and still does.

When the time came for my father to make his will it was lucky that I accompanied him to the solicitor. As the only surviving child I was amazed to hear him tell the solicitor that the reason he hadn't made a will was because he didnt know who to leave his assets to!
It was pointed out to him that as I had looked after him and that he was close to the grandchildren it would be sensible to name me as the beneficiary.
I don't think that had occurred to him before!

Violetsky
You are most welcome

No. I had amazing parents who encouraged me in everything I did, none of which was particularly earth shattering. I was an only child, a brother being stillborn a year before I appeared, and they both doted on their 3 grandaughters. My Mum told me more than once how very proud she was of my ‘mothering’ abilities. What more could a daughter want but affirmation from her parent.

I imagine that I probably was a disappointment to both parents. Older siblings went on to further education, I started work at 16, but I always knew that they loved me.

It was only after my divorce that I became closer to my parents and we did have a few wonderful years before failing health took them from us.

We can't change the past but we can learn from the present to influence our future.

Sending hugs to all those feeling a little 'lost' and perhaps like me, just a tad tearful.

Sara1954

All I can say is, my mother was an enormous disappointment to me.
When I was in other peoples homes, I was really amazed at how other families interacted, wealthier families, poorer families, single parent families, they all made me envious.

This is a brilliant comment, I am going to change my thinking.

My mother was a disappointment to me

Thank you

My parents were too detached to be disappointed or proud of anything I did.

Being treated like that leaves you with lifelong mental scars.

Absolutely Blondiescot. I have struggled with depression for much of my adult life. It’s pretty well controlled now with my medication but it always threatens to reappear despite my medication when life becomes too stressful. It’s no accident that my only sister always has always struggled with severe mental health difficulties which continue to this day. The responsibility lies with my mother who seems to have had absolutely no idea of the problems she caused.

Norah
Oh no boys rarely seem to disappoint.

BlueBalou

Blondiescot
My mother said the same to me re going to university then told me I should have been a doctor (I was a nurse but that wasn’t good enough), I should have married a doctor (!) etc.
I was compared unfavourably to her friend’s dd at every possible opportunity too.
Sickening isn’t it?

It is indeed. It took me the best part of 40 years to realise that no matter what I achieved in my life, it would never be enough for her. I used to say that I could have invented a cure for cancer and brought about world peace and she'd still have found something to pick fault in. Being treated like that leaves you with lifelong mental scars.

I should add, my brother was certainly not a disappointment.

Sara1954

All I can say is, my mother was an enormous disappointment to me.
When I was in other peoples homes, I was really amazed at how other families interacted, wealthier families, poorer families, single parent families, they all made me envious.

Me too Sara.

I wonder what makes people spiteful parents to their own children?

I wonder that too JJ especially because I was subjected to years of it from my own mother. She was so horrible to me at times and I wondered why a mother would behave like that.

Apart from not being a son, not clever enough for uni, and just a wife and mum, they were happy with me and my sisters. I think they were mildly disappointed. But they loved us all, provided well for us, and kept us safe. I'm sad I didn't go to uni. I married at 16, had my first daughter at 17 our last at 35 - there never seemed to be time.

No, not as far as I was ever aware.
I know I was a surprise, since my mum had thought babies were easy to look after, until I came along.

I was told that they had longed for a baby for 5 years, before I put in an appearance.

Tizliz similar here, I was told I'd made my bed and could now lie in it.

My mother is remembered for saying on my wedding day when I was 17 and pregnant “don’t think you can come back”. Well we have been married 52 years now so I never needed to go back. I had trouble believing how well she got on with our grandchildren - it was like a different person.

As Sara1954 says, my parents were a disappoinment to me. My father was a horrible man. My mother did the best she could. We were fed and clothed. Apart from that, they took no interest in us whatsover. We weren't hugged, told we were loved, encouraged in any way. My mother spent her life trying to dodge his fists. The children were secondary.

Disappointment to my parents and myself, turning into a fully fledged alcoholic at the age of 15…. proud of me when I went to AA and stopped drinking at the age of 28….

My mother was mentally ill but my dad was a loving father, I never felt I was a disappointment to my parents.

DH on the other hand sees himself as a disappointment. He had said to me ‘I am the dunce in my family and I cannot do anything right in my life.' To which I said ‘That is not true! You married me, so you have done at least one thing right in your life!’

We always tell our only daughter that we are extremely proud of her and her achievements. DH always tells her how much he loves her.

Not disappointed that I ever knew about, except when my brother moved abroad. My parents were proud of us for large or small things in life, and encouraged us to our best whatever we chose to do.
MtM Some sad stories here - all credit to those who overcame those dreadful conditions and turned their lives around.
That’s so true, but reading how much those memories are still present and grating on posters, it’s a warning to all parents and grandparents to tell their children and grandchildren how much they value them.

Absolutely not, my parents were lovely and very supportive to all of us. I lost them far too soon, they missed out on so much.

JaneJudge

The one yes but I could have farted a rainbow with a pot of gold at the end and he'd have picked fault. I wonder what makes people spiteful parents to their own children?

They’re usually damaged people themselves, Jane
I found out what terrible things that had happened to my parents. It put it all into perspective.

Chewbacca Sorry…… I guess you heard the same, it seems to be a narcs favourite.