Am I being a misery to resent the huge expense of being a wedding ‘guest”

I read about that as well lemsip guests were being asked to contribute £100 pp towards the cost of food.
I think some couples now plan their weddings with little consideration for their guests. If you want a dream wedding in Barbados then go ahead and have one but don't expect guests to spend their hard earned money on your dream. Have a party at home afterwards to include everyone.
I would have no hesitation in turning down an invitation like this.

If you are combining the wedding with a family holiday then the expense is more justified.

Littleflo, you did not say how well off you are or how poor you are.

If you can afford it and want to go, then go and pay for hotel rooms. If you can't afford it then camp in your cars and tents and give them something simple from a charity shop.

I’m too old now to worry about accepting invitations to something I don’t agree with. The wedding was 6months ago! They’ve lived together for 12yrs. I wouldn’t be going.

Kittycat

Tbh Unless you all desperately want to go to the ‘party’, I would decline the invitation. Send them a John Lewis voucher as a nice gesture.

I would do this too.
Because it is your husband’s niece he will want to do something nice for her, it does depend upon your finances as to how much for a voucher, but we did a similar thing a few years ago, and sent £75.That buys something good for the home.

Thank you all,. As always well balanced answers which have made me see sense. Especially those who said the cost is not unreasonable, I think I am out of touch. My children all paid for their own weddings, but we paid for the evening drinks and buffet. I think wedding guest now buy their own drinks.

I have managed to get it off my chest. I will make sure I enjoy the wedding and have a lovely evening with my family.

To answer my own question, ‘Yes, I was being a misery’.

littleflo

We cannot refuse to attend. When we were young we spent lots of time together and we’re very close as the cousins were all of similar age. This is the last of that generation to get wed.

The six rooms are for 4 couple plus their teenage children.

As for the cost of the hotel. It is unavoidable due to the location.

I am sorry, I did not see this littleflo.
In which case, say that you will find your own accomodation, there are plenty of no frills hotels, and that will save so much money.
I think if it really has to be cash, does that not include a cheque? The amount I suggested above will be enough, or whatever you wish to spend.

I do not think you are being a misery littleflo
I hope you enjoy the occasion.

An invitation is not summons

167 pounds per room - depending on location, time of the year... could be a fair price

Many couples now have a different approach
If they get asked too many times about a gift registry, they just communicate their wishes

I think them saying no gift is necessary is truly giving the guests an out - kind of them

Posted too fast

They just communicate their wishes to the whole audience as many people may have the same question - one and done is better than addressing it multiple times individually

Presumably if the couple have been married since May then everyone who wanted to has already given them a present irrespective of function invitation. You can either afford it or you can't. Don't see the problem.

We were invited to a wedding in Italy and had no hesitation in declining. Flights, hotel, dog sitter etc. just cost a fortune. I think it's just selfish to expect all your guests to pay out so much - and buy a present too!

SiobhanSharpe Good point! We booked an airport car to take us to Lapland Uk with DD 3 last year and the round trip of about 140 miles cost us £200 a lot cheaper than a posh hotel!

It's the principle (rather than the cost) with me. Couples - or brides - get so caught up with the details of their big day that they haven't a clue how their invites strike the recipients. No matter how close the relationship, I won't be told where I'm staying, what I'm buying - or my expected 'duties' with babysitting - no thanks! I'll do my own thing, make my own arrangements, but attend if I can, of course (although I'll secretly be bored rigid) - oh and be called away and leave early!

SiobhanSharpe

Another thought. Seeing as the reception is 70 miles away and you wouldn't want to have to drive back -- could you hire a 10 or 12 seater minibus and driver to take your party there and back?
Yes, it won't be cheap but it will be a lot less than £1,000+.
And you'll have a driver so you can all fall asleep on the way back. And also not have to worry too much about alcohol consumption!

Brilliant.

In answer to the original question posed, not at all! I'm in agreement with many who have posted here, it's too much to expect of guests, whatever their circumstances to have to fork out for the whole palaver associated with some people's weddings, sometimes involving trips overseas and hotel stays. Many a thread over on MN, some pertaining to a whole load of nonsense such as the over inflated hen dos, I'm not talking about a meal out with friends but a week abroad, often un affordable or impacting on annual leave/work/child commitments when did nuptials get this unrealistic and lose sight of the essence of what really matters, making a commitment to the person you love and building a life together, this can be done very simply and cheaply.

I understand there has to be a fine balance between demands of the couple and guests if the couple want people to attend their day

That said - not everybody will be happy, somebody will always have a complaint about the arrangements

In some cases, it is the family who is asking for a reception after the wedding took place, it doesn't always come from the couple

If you don’t want to go then don’t. I wouldn’t spend £1000 on a room, it’s very selfish of people to suggest this. People are struggling to buy food and heat their homes. Why is it necessary to have weddings that cost so much to attend. Those abroad are the worst, I wouldn’t go as I would rather go to a place of my choice, not follow the bride and groom around with a lot of people I don’t want to spend time with..Why can’t the couple have a special day and not these repeat celebrations.

In view of how times have changed so much over the past forty or so years, maybe it’s high time to have a complete re-think around all this wedding present custom.

The couple here, like the vast majority these days, have lived together for years before they decide to tie the knot, and have therefore got everything which was previously on couples’ wedding present list.
I feel very uncomfortable about the custom now of asking for money. Maybe couples should state unequivocally that presents, vouchers, money are NOT expected, just their company on the day.

I agree with Sparklefizz just say that unfortunately you are unable to attend, don't give a reason or an excuse.

Sorry I would not be going they ve been married nearly 6 months what’s the point Waste of money all round and asking for money for presents for a marriage that took place a while ago is cheeky and not something I d take part in
Sorry if that sounds mean but I think it’s a joke asking for wedding presents after the event is long gone

littleflo

We cannot refuse to attend. When we were young we spent lots of time together and we’re very close as the cousins were all of similar age. This is the last of that generation to get wed.

The six rooms are for 4 couple plus their teenage children.

As for the cost of the hotel. It is unavoidable due to the location.

Well if you can’t refuse to attend, and are very close to them, just go and enjoy it without resentment. I don’t understand the hotel business, do you have to pay for 6 rooms or just one, or none?
As suggested stay somewhere cheaper, but give a gift you feel appropriate, bearing in mind your relationship.

TerriBull

In answer to the original question posed, not at all! I'm in agreement with many who have posted here, it's too much to expect of guests, whatever their circumstances to have to fork out for the whole palaver associated with some people's weddings, sometimes involving trips overseas and hotel stays. Many a thread over on MN, some pertaining to a whole load of nonsense such as the over inflated hen dos, I'm not talking about a meal out with friends but a week abroad, often un affordable or impacting on annual leave/work/child commitments when did nuptials get this unrealistic and lose sight of the essence of what really matters, making a commitment to the person you love and building a life together, this can be done very simply and cheaply.

Good post TerriBull, especially this:

...when did nuptials get this unrealistic and lose sight of the essence of what really matters, making a commitment to the person you love and building a life together...

Baby Showers, Gender-Reveal parties - it seems nothing is sacred anymore. And I don't mean that in a religious context.

£166 per room in a luxury hotel is fair enough , presumably each couple pays for their own room and the parents of the teenagers have to fork out for them. If you dont buy a gift then its not that horrendous. Go and enjoy!

The only thing in all this wedding fiasco is the bit 4where the couple print about not feeling obliged to buy a gift but brass will do, it really girates on my nerve ends. Yes ofcourse I understand that they may not want gifts if they have lived together and got everything they need so why not just enjoy everyone being together to celebrate their wedding.

I have in the past declined an invitation to attend because I can't be two-faced, I either shove ££££ in an envelope under duress and smile through gritted teeth or I don't attend! Its a no brainer for me.

I’m glad you’ve reached a decision littleflo it sometimes clears your thoughts to run things past people.
I do hope you have a great time,