Am I being a misery to resent the huge expense of being a wedding ‘guest”

The whole wedding scene (Big Business) has gone bonkers.
Never mind the wedding, Hen Dos, etc, too.

Seems to me the mosre expensive the wedding, the faster the divorce.

Do what you want to do- and just make an excuse if you resent it too much.

No chance!
If they really wanted people they cared for to attend they would be holding the event in a place convenient to the majority of guests with a range of accomodation to suit different purses..
This is an ego trip for themselves.
And they dont need a present... they have each other.
No-one HAS to attend.. it is an invitation... not a command.

What logical reason is there for planning a wedding 'reception' 70 miles away from where the bride and groom live?

'The venue is 70 miles from where all the family live. This includes her parents as well as the couple."

£1000 for 6 rooms in the hotel is a ridiculous amount of money and this whole project is simply an exercise in oneupmanship in my opinion and all this on top of a wedding in Barbados which probably wasn't cheap. Asking for cash as a wedding gift is unreasonable too - particularly as the couple have lived together for 12 years.

I do wonder what planet some people live on sometimes.

Particularly as the couple have lived together 12 years and got married 6 months ago !!! Why would you buy a wedding present when they are already married !!!

Gransnet Is so great. It is like having a large group of friends, some telling you to get over yourself, don’t go if you don’t want to. Others giving a listening ear and a supportive shoulder. We need both at times.

I also hope that you enjoy yourself littleflo

I have declined a couple of invitations due to the cost. My DS was asked to be best man on Christmas Eve in Singapore. He declined.
If you pander to the unreasonable requests it validates them.

Only 2 hours or so to drive there? I would drive there, lay off the booze and drive back.

I would give them presence, but not presents. You being there is your gift to them, at that price.

No it's unrealistic for people to arrange weddings in far flung places. They have their dream but do not consider people's finances and the logistics of getting there just say you have other priorities.

We went to a wedding where there was a blatant request for money to pay for the three week honeymoon in Asia - and suggestions for how much!
I was flabbergasted. Apparently the couple had forked out an enormous amount of money and pretty much expected the guests to pay. In retrospect I wish we’d declined.

The entitled behaviour of some couples is breath taking BlueBalou

It reminds me of some Greek weddings we went to 35 years ago. I can remember wondering why they invited so many guests; that it must cost a fortune! Then the guests pinned money to the bride's dress as she moved around; mystery solved!

I don't think you were being a misery, I think it is normal to question why other people don't take other people's financial situation into account when expecting them to do something social, even if it is a nice occasion. Consideration of others is an important trait to have!

I always feel a bit miffed at the gift thing. Lots of people like to give personalised gifts for weddings/christenings etc or something hand made, like those wooden spoons that were given to brides.

Anyway, have a lovely time

I do think we have to be aware of cultural expectations around gifts of money. Traditional English culture would mostly expect money only to be given by very close family. But there are many cultures where expecting money, including money to pay for the wedding itself is considered quite normal. This has filtered through, as cultural norms tend to.
I realise that wasn't quite the original point, but has been part of the general conversation.
And JaneJudge, I agree about considering other folks' circumstances.

Personally I don’t think the room rate is too expensive- I assume you would only have to pay for one of the rooms- but also if I didn’t want to stay there I would book a nearby premier inn ( love a premier inn) but then you have add the costs of taxis if you both want to have a drink. Also they have said they don’t expect a pressie - therefore your presence can be the present

In a wedding guest list -there are going to be guests allocated in the whole budget range - from almost no budget to unlimited

Generally speaking, it is not the couple's responsibility that anybody on the lower side can afford it by scaling down the celebration

According to that, a get together with coffee/tea and sandwiches at a home would have to be the norm - not realistic

We are in a similar position, primarily because we had already booked our accommodation in a lovely Country Hotel (fully refundable thankfully) and now have to change it or cause great offence to many family members.

New cost of Accommodation chosen by somebody else ? £700 plus food. Plus it’s non refundable so if anyone is unwell we will lose the money.

This is without cost of fuel, clothes, wedding gifts.

I dont want to go already.

Whats the problem in saying "We dont have the budget for this at this time. We need our money for essentials"

I have been taken for a ride and stayed in the expensive hotel suggested by close relatives where the reception was . Only to find we were the only group there other than the bride and groom not even their parents.
I would think twice about ever attending another such wedding. We were asked for money as they already had a house and a toddler. The money present we later found out had been laughed at.
We were not included in any photos and were put on a table next to the toilets, so constant jostling.
Think are you doing it out of obligation or there are family you would like to see?
I should add if the venue had been much closer and the overnight stay cheaper and we had been looked after properly they would have got a cheque they would not have scoffed at

Littleflo as they are already married didn't they have a reception at the time? I wouldn't go . Just send a gift voucher and nice card.

My eldest niece is getting married in this country next year but already said I don't expect an invitation as they brought their first house and doing it up. And having a small wedding. Will just send them a card and gift voucher .

Have no real family and most friends don’t tend to invite us to their children’s weddings so it’s rare we go.
Fine with us of course but wonder what sort of money amounts are seen as acceptable these days. I would be looking at £50 as a reasonable amount for a friends child, who are mostly much better off than we are and who we may not have seen fir years.
Does that sound about right? Luckily don’t have an invite so this is just a theoretical question .

Would that be scoffed at? If so that’s very rude.

littleflo

Gransnet Is so great. It is like having a large group of friends, some telling you to get over yourself, don’t go if you don’t want to. Others giving a listening ear and a supportive shoulder. We need both at times.

What a generous reply littleflo. A good subject to raise, glad you’ve managed to resolve the dilemma, and one which many of us have or will encounter.

If you feel you must attend then find some cheaper accommodation, or go yourselves, but leave the other adult members of the family to decline.

I would make no bones about declining and being quite honest that hotel prices being what they are, plus a journey of 70 miles puts it well out of your price range.

I’m Scottish and was living in SW1 when I planned our wedding ( my second DH first!). I did not want my family to have to pay for accommodation in central London nor did I want to arrange a wedding in Scotland. We married in our local church ( walking distance about 2 minutes) , had my Aunt and Uncle who lived in London and my two children at it. Meal at Dolphin Square ( walking distance 3 minutes!).
We then had a blessing in my home town church in Scotland and dinner at local restaurant for our families three months later. It worked really well. No stress, no dramas and we were able to pay for everything.