Self care and self neglect

Kate1949

Since I lost my hair I struggle to care anymore. Yes I know worse things happen.

It doesn't matter that "worse things happen", they haven't happened to you, hair loss has and that is what is a worry for you.

I feel very hedonistic reading all these posts. I worked hard in a very stressful job for 45 years looking after other people, their children and my own family. Since I retired I rarely iron. Housework is generally a mad dash when someone is coming. I spend an hour a day playing the piano, make sure my nails and hair are done regularly, have started using face creams (not sure what good they do!). I go to the gym regularly for weights and cardio, cook healthily and attend classes at my local retirement centre. I meet friends regularly, attend WI, have day trips out and go on holiday with DH. I love my retirement. I realize I probably have a limited active life left in terms of years, and am determined to make the most of it, and stay fit as long as I can. Oh, and look after my grandchildren 3 times a week and voluntary work, so not all me-time. But if I don't care for myself, who will?

My DH died last month and I'm struggling to eat and exercise properly.
So I suppose this is a form of self-neglect. Self-esteem at rock bottom too.

I don't have anything like a serious hair loss problem (yet) but am slowly getting thinner on top and at the front. To try and combat this, I "comb over" my hair from a side parting and use a quite expensive product called Plantur 39, as suggested by my hairdresser. I just lightly massage in a little every night on the relevant site. It's called a Phyto-Caffeine Tonic. I think, and hope, it's working! Vanity, vanity, all is vanity. Def a first world problem too.

I confess that I have always had several outside interests and hobbies that I have followed before my marriage and since, I did this through child having and rearing. I have never thought of it in terms of self care or self neglect or even thought about it at all .

My approach to life has always been to stuff as much into it as possible can. I liked looking after my home and family, although I greeted every sign of independence in my children with relief, I had a job and career I enjoyed and outside interests, DH and I were always determined that we should have more in our lives than just home and work and ensured each other did.

I think this idea of the perfect woman being the one who makes the biggest martyr of herself is absorbed into people by how they were brought up. Fortunately I have three generations of women behind me who by circumstances or conditioning brought their daughters up to be self sufficient and assuming that they could live as independently as their DH's, and were either widowed or had DH's who were quite happy with this.

Self care is looking after your own well-being in general. Food, exercise, mindfulness and being kind to yourself.
Carers very often put their cared for first and tend to put themselves at the very bottom, this is not good as you cannot care well for others unless you care well for yourself. You need at least 30 minutes a day when you put yourself first. Do what you want to do and totally relax doing it. Taking additional time out for hobbies and friends will give most of us a well earned boost. Having a good pamper session is wonderful for most of us too, particularly if someone else is pampering you. Enjoy and reap the b3nefits.

Romola

Because of my lack of mobility and being in constant pain I do my best to look after myself with only an hours help daily. I get my own meals and eat healthily, cut my hair, and nails and although I am housebound and do not see anyone dress well, use some lipstick. Cannot shower or wash hair by myself. Help does this once a week. There is little ironing. Help does it.
Since the start of Covid have only seen the doctor once. The couple of times I had a fall a paramedic has come. I am told that doctor is rarely seen now. Appointments are made with a nurse or on line.

Been there and I understand. Courage!

You must belong a better practice than mine, or most people I know, we're told to ring 8am, but all appointments taken, you're lucky if you can get either a telephone, or if you're in real need, a Facetime appointment with a nurse practitioner, in real distress, told to attend A & E, where minimum of 8 hours wait, or emergency ring 999, where you're extremely lucky of obtain a fast response, daunting prospect indeed!

Unfortunately I can relate to this, I lost my husband 5 year ago, then my Keyworker Daughter 2 years ago to Covid, she left my 4 Grandchildren, who thanks to her Husband, who she discovered had had been having a 5 year affair, she had started divorce proceedings against him, but he inherited everything, he moved in with his lover, sold the 2 properties, and rendered my Grandchildren homeless and penniless, he has since had a lavish wedding and 2 week Honeymoon in Mexico, talk about the good, the bad & the ugly, the last two most certainly apply to him, still waiting for this Karma to kick in! Hope you get there eventually, and your self esteem improves, baby steps, and grieve in your own way, and you will get there, with the support of friends and family, my thoughts are with you.

You question Stella1949 on her GP appointments. Perhaps you are in great health maddyone. My GPs have to see me weekly or fortnightly, and I am also seen by my 12 different consultants very frequently, given that I live with multiple chronic, progressive and incurable illnesses and conditions.

My youngest sister has suffered with alopecia totalis for most of her adult life and it's been the cause of much heartache for her. With only sparse eye lashes and no eyebrows or hair at all, she's struggled with things that most women take for granted such as make up for example. It's had a devastating effect on her self confidence. Like Miss Adventure says, wigs are initially a good idea but soon become very uncomfortable and hot when worn all day and she's tried many different types.

Gardening wrecks my nails, little hairs appear on my chin that I can’t see to pluck out, I am so bored with cooking that sometimes I just eat beans on toast.

Larsonsmum

You question Stella1949 on her GP appointments. Perhaps you are in great health maddyone. My GPs have to see me weekly or fortnightly, and I am also seen by my 12 different consultants very frequently, given that I live with multiple chronic, progressive and incurable illnesses and conditions.

If someone was in 'great health', they wouldn't need to see a GP. It's obviously much easier to get an appointment in some areas than others. What about someone who has discovered a suspicious lump, but finds themselves in a similar position to FranT where you have to phone in the morning, but the lines are all engaged and then all appointments are gone? It's hardly the type of situation where you can just rock up to A&E either? Should you just give up trying until it's too late?

Bijou

Because of my lack of mobility and being in constant pain I do my best to look after myself with only an hours help daily. I get my own meals and eat healthily, cut my hair, and nails and although I am housebound and do not see anyone dress well, use some lipstick. Cannot shower or wash hair by myself. Help does this once a week. There is little ironing. Help does it.
Since the start of Covid have only seen the doctor once. The couple of times I had a fall a paramedic has come. I am told that doctor is rarely seen now. Appointments are made with a nurse or on line.

I see you are a very independent lady, but as we age we do have to accept help.I am sorry to hear of your constant pain.
Do you manage to see any of your family?It can be a lonely life at times.
I tried to cut my own hair during the lockdown, it is very curly and I thought I could do it, but ended up like a sheared sheep.

Romola

My DH died last month and I'm struggling to eat and exercise properly.
So I suppose this is a form of self-neglect. Self-esteem at rock bottom too.

Romola that is what bereavement does, but you will get past this in time.

I try to look after myself a little, though I do neglect my hair, which is extremely fine and thin. I'm apt to put off hairdressing visits because of cost, and the fact that it doesn't seem like much of an improvement! I use a hair cutting comb ( the kind with razor blades in) to keep my hair a bit tidier.

During lockdown I watched a YouTube video that showed you how to cut your own hair and it worked reasonably well. You gathered it all up at the front and twisted it into a sort of a pony tail and then trimmed the straggly ends to neaten them. If you're on your own it's the best you can do sometimes lol!

Does anyone have any tips on cutting your toe nails? I can no longer bend down to do my own and I certainly can't stand on one leg to do them! I can't afford to go to a chiropodist to have it done and it's something that doesn't seem to ve available on the NHS any more.

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I was wondering that too - if you have a medical issue that requires regular monthly appointments - good, but if not it’s hard enough to get an appointment for an urgent issue, but for general well-being ? That would be impossible here?

M0nica

I confess that I have always had several outside interests and hobbies that I have followed before my marriage and since, I did this through child having and rearing. I have never thought of it in terms of self care or self neglect or even thought about it at all .

My approach to life has always been to stuff as much into it as possible can. I liked looking after my home and family, although I greeted every sign of independence in my children with relief, I had a job and career I enjoyed and outside interests, DH and I were always determined that we should have more in our lives than just home and work and ensured each other did.

I think this idea of the perfect woman being the one who makes the biggest martyr of herself is absorbed into people by how they were brought up. Fortunately I have three generations of women behind me who by circumstances or conditioning brought their daughters up to be self sufficient and assuming that they could live as independently as their DH's, and were either widowed or had DH's who were quite happy with this.

This

Dcba - that sounds wonderful - for YOU, and is the sort of self care I worry myself is what I should aim at - but I have various ills and that sort of self care would be ‘torture’ to me. I love reading, watching films, TV, and have just joined a Scrabble club with the U3a, run an online club related to my work, and play Wordle once a day with my grown up sons in London & Japan … etc, etc, . I’m in South Wales. I also work part time from home . I’m 76!
I hate housework and do that only when necessary. I take care of myself, don’t smell or look untidy, but I have never showered everyday as some people think necessary. (And now with energy bills it’ll be even less - currently washing in cold water as I’ve turned the Gas CH off - can’t afford it!) I did enough chores to last me a lifetime with 2 sons and demanding Ex-husbands - yes in the plural - I now think my time and MY self care is to be somewhat selfish and do what I want!

Kate1949, I feel for you, but why not try a wig? Celebrities use them constantly and no one thinks anything of it so hopefully you would feel better?