How do I deal with a rude 12 year old nephew?

VioletSky

Yummy

Show respect to children in order to teach them how to show respect

Too many adults show no respect to children and are shocked when they get none back

Well, I wish I was yummy, though I have been accused of having a yummy mummy car.
I think if you are putting yourself out to invite people into your home then their parents should tell them what is expected of them. It actually shows the lack of respect for the aunt by the parents
What is the poor lady supposed to say"Now son I can see you are in your usual razz how about telling me all about it? There are a lot of adults saying show respect to the children but not many saying how to do it..or how to cope if he takes no notice.
We can all spout the textbooks but can we all put them into practice? Ideas on Gransnet, please.

As much as I'd love to continue a debate about my advice to the OP

The toilet needs cleaning and I've got a pile of ironing to do

Sad times

VioletSky

As much as I'd love to continue a debate about my advice to the OP

The toilet needs cleaning and I've got a pile of ironing to do

Sad times

Well that says it all if the toilet needs cleaning on a Sunday evening!!!!!

Perhaps “ spare the rod, use behaviour mod”. That used to be a saying in educational circles back in the day. That is ignore the bad and react well to good behaviour. As he seems to want attention then if he only got it when behaving himself there is a possibility……you never know.

I’d exclaim , ‘how rude!’ and definitely let him know how you feel. He might not even realise he is being rude. Some kids at that age just haven’t been given social norms and are not experienced enough to know what they are. It sounds like he hasn’t developed much since the age of 4.

If he is rude ignore him, and, if he has really awful, just freeze him out, do not aalk to to him, do not ask him whether he wants anything, act as if he isn't there.

DD once behaved very badly when a much loved grandma was present. Said grandma told me that she would ignore DD until she aplogised for her behaviour. DD was so shocked that her grandmother wouldn't speak to her or take any notice of her presence that the apology, a real apology, not a muttered few words, followed after only a few hours.

singingnutty thanks for coming back and updating regarding your conversation with the grandmother.
It does unfortunately sound like her "excuse" for the poor behaviour.
Obviously 1000s of families have adults with successful high-pressure business and 1000s of children are under pressure with schooling and hobbies. This family is not unique. The poor behaviour is still not good.

I do hope your visit is more relaxed than you fear and that your distractions and the relaxed holiday mode combine to allow you to enjoy your guests.
As others have said, at least you will be able to learn from it if not and not invite them again!

12 is a very difficult age, the poor boy clearly hasn’t been given enough boundaries.
My husbands nephew was dreadful at 12, he once asked my husband why he had spent so much on a rubbish car and said he should have been consulted on the purchase!
He is now a nice considerate adult.
Just be firm and patient.

Oh dear, seems far too many of us oldies want to return to the time of 'children being seen and not heard'!!! Most of those raised like that developed into highly repressed and problematic adults.

Read what violetsky says on here. Togesterone is running strong in many 12 year olds, and that - in many - leads to rebellion. Children have an absolute knack of knowing what it is that annoys adults most and that is the technique they use.
Children should not be subject to 'control', yes good guidance'.
How does this 'rudeness' manifest itself? Is he trying to find a way into the adult conversations going on, or just drawing attention to himself. Does he not have a book, phone or laptop to give him some sort of distraction?

If the OP really feels that a youngster is going to control who t4hey invite into their homes, then go ahead and cancel this visit - might be a relief to the parents for you to do so.

My grandsons behaviour was really awful towards us, didn’t matter what was said or done by anyone it just went on and on. So at the end of the year I give each grandchild a Christmas card with some money but that year instead of a card and money I wrote a letter to my grandson saying that I was just so totally fed up with his behaviour and the way he spoke to us and to to; it all I didn’t know what we had done wrong. So this year I just didn’t feel like wishing him any best wishes or anything even though we loved him very much and could we try and start again in the New Year and at least respect each other. It did the trick, word has it he was totally shocked by my letter and wrote back and apologised.

So many more good ideas on how to settle the situation than in previous posts.
The big question is, is it really up to the aunt to show this boy what his behaviour is like and how it affects people?
Is it the job of a relation he sees now and then to show him what his action causes?
Surely it is up to his parents on a daily basis, to set good examples and gradually get him to take notice of their behaviour, who is the main role model here? Not the aunt.
I still would cancel the visit and point out why it might bring to the fore to the parents that their behaviour is being mirrored and causing problems. They need to realise and put some of the suggestions into action.
I thought the gran writing a letter was very good and as she is close family probably felt comfortable doing so. But an aunt of the father maybe not be quite close enough. Also, she probably does not want to do so or cause a fracas during what should be a happy family get-together.

Barmeyoldbat your letter was perfect!
Your grandson could see that his poor behaviour had consequences.
A very good life lesson on all sorts of levels.
I hope he improved and received a card and some money the following year!

Yammy yes the boy is primarily the parents' responsibility, but they and their son all need to realise that the rest of society won't tolerate this poor behaviour.
singingnutty is perfectly entitled not to want to put up with it in her own house, and to say so if it's directed at her personally.

My eldest was absolutely foul at the age of 12 and I could cheerfully have given her away. She is now kind, thoughtful and considerate but she certainly put us through hell. Sometimes I would wonder if it was hormones at work - kind of permanently until she was around 17.

I was a bit older (about 13) when I started to disagree with all the adults around me. I think I was just trying to find my place in the world, but also (and wonder if this might apply) I was at the time terribly unhappy and getting bullied at school. In those days you didn't tell your parents. Has anyone asked this boy how his life is and if he is coping? He might well be expressing anger to his family because he can but the cause of the anger is elsewhere.

I’m with ExDancer, and would ask him to explain why something is rubbish. I’d get eye contact first and wait till he has stopped talking/yelling, then say something like, ‘ Now, you may not realise that you have been very rude just then, but I would be very interested to hear exactly why you think it’s rubbish. Could you explain it to me?’ If he doesn’t want to have a conversation, I would say I’d be happy to talk with him when he speaks more calmly.
Even at 12 , attention is what they’re after, and, maybe in the past, bad behaviour is how he got it.

Completely unfeasible and unacceptable, but my fingers are itching to give this boy what was called in Ye Olden Days “a good hiding”. Yes, shock, horror.
Seriously, how dare he behave this way to you! His parents have completely failed him. Not to show respect to an Aunt when visiting is just not on. He may be having a difficult phase at home, but it should stay there.
If he spoke to me in such a way, I would get him by the scruff of the neck and throw him out of the door.
I do not understand posters dreaming up ways to accommodate such behaviour, favourite meals, distraction techniques etc. Stand up for yourself and do not put up with it.

And there I was thinking I was a soft hearted liberal…
Posts like this make me so angry.

And 12 is not a teenager, even if he was 6’7” I would give him a piece of my mind.

Perfect time for a COVID test to come up positive.

Modeling respectful behaviour as adults

Showing an interest in a young person's own interests

Listening to their thoughts and opinions

Changing the subject if opinions differ

Leaving the conversation if it becomes rude

All of these sound pretty sensible to me! I would add in making clear calm statements about why one is leaving a conversation because of the rudeness, as this is a form of modelling of making independent choices about what one will tolerate/engage with without getting angry or causing a scene, creating atmosphere or whatever.

He may well be different when away from home - so the 'problem' is just anticipated. My daughter's calm way of dealing with a teenage tantrum was merely to video it on her mobile. That stopped it in it's tracks and sent granddaughter off upstairs to calm down!

Unfortunately it’s just the age my step grandson is going through something similar his mum loses her rag but I said ignore him or tell him unless he talks properly you going to ignore him or just go with the ride she asked what I did and like I said I probably did same things it’s all part of growing up lol

I have teenage grandchildren. None of them are rude a d their parents would not allow them to be rude. It's not acceptable - and if his parents don't tell him so, you should. I wouldn't shout but would tell him firmly that he is not allowed to speak oracle in a rude manner so he should leave the room until he could behave in a civilised manner.

My nephew was like this, we thought it was puberty, but it turned out he was on the milder end of the autistic spectrum. Once he knew that he felt better and, with the cooperation of his family, put things in place to help him. For example,

He could not cope with more than 4 people in any room with him, so he was allowed to go to his room instead of being told he must stay downstairs "because we have visitors".

His Mum would give him a 10 minute warning for dinner time, so that he could adjust to the change from what he was currently doing to attending the dinner table.

He planned each day, told his Mum/Dad his plans and adapted in the morning to anything that may have to be changed.

His shouty, demanding, rude behaviour reduced dramatically and he is now a very pleasant 25 year old.

Sometimes it's good to think outside the box.

Oops. Didn't preview the above post...
to speak or act

I'm with violet sky on this one, I've worked with young people for years as a social worker and foster carer & I found that shouting at them or hitting them whoever did it, doesn't work. I'd speak with his parents about how to manage it, its highly likely that they can't stop him either, but I'd mostly ignore him & just say you don't like how he's treating people and spend your time with people who are pleasant to be with. I love Barmy old Bat's way of saying 'you don't seem to like me, so you won't want a pressie for me.' and let him dwell on that. If it would work, I'd say fine, shout at him, but in my experience it just increases everyone's anger without achieving whereas ignoring and withdrawing privileges makes them think about what they're doing. If you could fast forward 5 yrs or so, you'd probably find a delightful young man ashamed of his actions but this is a stage a lot of young people, me included, have to go through.