How do I deal with a rude 12 year old nephew?

My eldest DGS is 12 and I have two 11 year old DGDs so this stage is familiar to me. My response (thankfully my DGC are generally polite) is to speak to them as young people rather than children and I would ask him if he had any suggestions for group discussions that he might find interesting and being mindful of the various other people present. My DGS likes to discuss politics as does one of the DGD and that makes interesting group discussions about colonisation etc and another likes to talk about plays she has been in so we try to accommodate them both however it might come down to trying to find a shared activity a game or xbox game you could join in with; my eldest DGS likes Minecraft and I play with him sometimes though I am a bit rubbish at it😂 the key to it in my opinion is trying to get him to feel a shared involvement in a family occasion as it sounds like he is trying to get some attention and doesnt know how to manage it without out bursts

OP: My instant response on reading your post was "Give him a sharp slap around the ear and tell him to behave himself in your house. If he continues, open the front door and throw him out and tell him not to come back until he can control his behaviour and act in a civil manner." If he or his parents don't like it, tough! They're being far too lenient with him. If they ignore it they're setting themselves up for far worse in the future, and what example is it setting for his younger brother. Do they want to have two uncontrollable children that nobody likes?

The teenage years are not an excuse for bad behaviour and a lack of respect. Instant sharp punishment worked with our boys and they were never badly behaved in anyone else's home.

My 9 yr old DGS told me to shut up and called me stupid about 6 months ago
I looked straight at him and said
I beg your pardon are you talking to me. When I want your opinion I'll ask for it. Now close your mouth and don't speak again until you're spoken to. Thank you.
He was so shocked he just stood there and then sat down quietly.
Has been lovely to me ever since.
Right or wrong I don't know and an old fashioned way of dealing with it but it worked and mum was impressed at the instant effects
Worth a try

Happysexagenarian

OP: My instant response on reading your post was "Give him a sharp slap around the ear and tell him to behave himself in your house. If he continues, open the front door and throw him out and tell him not to come back until he can control his behaviour and act in a civil manner." If he or his parents don't like it, tough! They're being far too lenient with him. If they ignore it they're setting themselves up for far worse in the future, and what example is it setting for his younger brother. Do they want to have two uncontrollable children that nobody likes?

The teenage years are not an excuse for bad behaviour and a lack of respect. Instant sharp punishment worked with our boys and they were never badly behaved in anyone else's home.

You can cause a lot of damage hitting children in the ear or anywhere on the head. This is abusive and I don't agree with it at all. You can also be prosecuted for child abuse for this and for throwing a child onto the street Disgusting comment

make him stand outside for an hour in the cold. do not put up with this loutish behaviour

VioletSky

As much as I'd love to continue a debate about my advice to the OP

The toilet needs cleaning and I've got a pile of ironing to do

Sad times

How's the toilet cleaning coming on? I thought I would enquire out of kindness I did feel sorry for you on Sunday all that ironing and a dirty toilet to clean on what should have been a relaxing evening.

Oh I knew some people wouldn't like my comment! I don't really care. When I was growing up, and later bringing up my own kids, that was daily life, and as I said it worked far better than the soft approach and negotiation with a child who was showing off and usually knew only too well how obnoxious they were being. In my opinion what's more disgusting than my comment is the behaviour of this boy and is parents failure to deal with it.

sazz1

My 9 yr old DGS told me to shut up and called me stupid about 6 months ago
I looked straight at him and said
I beg your pardon are you talking to me. When I want your opinion I'll ask for it. Now close your mouth and don't speak again until you're spoken to. Thank you.
He was so shocked he just stood there and then sat down quietly.
Has been lovely to me ever since.
Right or wrong I don't know and an old fashioned way of dealing with it but it worked and mum was impressed at the instant effects
Worth a try

Quite right too, they need putting in their place very firmly at that age, you may become the wicked witch but it’s got to be done.

I’m so relieved you weren’t my parent or grandparent happysexagenarian. We were never smacked. My children and grandchildren weren’t smacked. All perfectly kind productive members of society/. You’ll find prisons full of people who got smacked round the ear and stood out in the cold.

It could be that he has ADHD. Controlling emotions can be difficult. Find out what his interests are and be prepared for these when he visits. It's not easy being around a child with this, but if you do the ground work, the relationship can be very rewarding.

jerseygirl

make him stand outside for an hour in the cold. do not put up with this loutish behaviour

And feed him bread and water.
Or thin gruel.

The poor boy is full of youthful vigour and longs to learn. Obviously when he is "rude" he is frustrated because he respects none of the company enough that they can teach him about more important ideas than you are all yacking about.

He has a limited time to fit in all the learning he has to do before he takes up adult responsibilities

Try to lead him into expressing himself instead of commanding him to toe the line.

I'd just invite them for a meal and talk to him eye to eye, smile, and let him do most of the talking. It works I know.

There are some clever tactics being suggested to make the boy 'behave'.

However 'behaving' does no good as the boy is still seething with frustration inside himself.

Sexagenarian you can make children 'behave' I don't doubt.

Later in life the same children may forgive you for failing to help them to learn how to solve problems except by bashing other people.

Bea0802

It could be that he has ADHD. Controlling emotions can be difficult. Find out what his interests are and be prepared for these when he visits. It's not easy being around a child with this, but if you do the ground work, the relationship can be very rewarding.

This was what crossed my mind. Quite possibly his behaviour is as a result of ADHD. Sawsage2 gives good advice on how to deal with him.

One of you will come down with Covid won’t you? Problem solved.

Any chance he might be on the autism spectrum?

Sorry just spotted that this has already been suggested!

Close friends had a daughter who was obnoxious at thirteen - my children dreaded her coming as she bullied, was rough with their things, and her parents seemed to be reduced to almost giggling embarassment, and did little to stop her. My OH, who is extremely even tempered, had enough one day and when he got her alone in the kitchen, he decided to speak his mind about her future and the effect that her behaviour was going to have on her, rather than trying to stop her being rude to others. He told her that if she ever wanted to have real friends then she had to treat people decently, and that she couldn't go anywhere in the world with the behaviour that she displayed and expect people to like her. I was holding my breath for repercussions from her or the parents, but it didn't happen, and she certainly behaved a lot better that day and subsequently. She has grown into a delightful adult, so take heart, singingnutty, perhaps a talking to might help at some point.

I don’t understand why teenagers are almost expected to be rude. I went to boarding school, and rudeness was absolutely not tolerated. My two girls were fine in their teenage years, or maybe I’ve just forgotten…….

I think Swampy1961 has given a good solution. Without being confrontational ask him to tell you why he thinks it’s rubbish and expand on what he thinks is a good subject/ opinion etc.
be prepared to listen and engage with him and expect him to do the same. He may just slam out of the room in embarrassment but it will make him think twice next time.

Reacting to his behaviour will only make matters worse. Just ignore him. It will infuriate him! If you MUST say something keep it short such as “Is that really necessary?” Or “I’m sure you don’t mean that”. It will have far greater impact than making a stance. Good luck Singingnutty. I hope it goes as well as it can do. Xxx

I feel for you, singingnutty.

You may want to listen to Paddy Roberts "Don't upset the little kiddiewinks" (on YouTube).

When the young lord of creation kicks off, sing it outloud, and offer to teach the words to the rest of the guests who could drown him out by joining in.

The lines :

"help them on with their galoshes and hand them their coshes - and keep them well away from me!"

is memorable.

Hope you survive.

It isn't December yet and you are already anxious about his visit when you should be putting the sprouts on to cook.

I agree with Eloethan I think I would be inclined to say there's no point discussing this if you have to resort to rudeness and then I would walk away.

Engage in the good and ignore the bad. Anything else will prompt further arguments ---- silence speaks loudly.!

I have dealt with an ADHD grandchild and most of it is for attention - ignore the bad and encourage the good.