How do I deal with a rude 12 year old nephew?

Sometimes just a Paddington Bear Stare works.
I must say my DD is excellent at saying much without words.

There's every chance he'll behave quite differently in your home.

Spotted this today on the noticeboard of a local primary school...

I had the same issue with my 12 year old grandson, we had family visiting and he was very rude. I sent him this and he did apologise and said he loved me, which did help

Nannyknee

That is a straight up guilt trip and manipulation

GPs best friends? Some projection in that statement?

Does anyone think that the lad might have some form of difficulty, perhaps on the autistic spectrum? Sometimes behaviour problems, difficulty in communication and social awkwardness go along with this.

Sorry just realised others have suggested this.

Ask family to make sure he has his IPad or Nintendo games for the holiday. Record lots of suitable 12 year old films. play card games for money. Take the family on outings, ice skating, football in the park, kite flying, swimming, cinema. Children find visiting incredibly boring. Gone are the days of seen but not heard.
You can't change the way he is, its down to his family and it sounds like they accept him the way he is.

I think you might be worrying unnecessarily singingnuttily. Young people’s moods change like the wind direction, and as you say, he was going through a “bad phase”.

I imagine something had triggered that mood that day. I would try to show very little reaction, stay calm and wait for the wind to change direction. It sounds as though his father has the right idea and knows how to handle him, by staying calm. Confrontation rarely helps.

If you greet him when he arrives as a very welcome addition to the festivities, and include him (as much as he wants to be included) in conversations, activities etc, maybe ask him to help out with things, he may surprise you.

Sorry singingnutty, I got your name wrong.

When our niece was that age, she was rude like that and DH told her she wasn't welcome next time her family visited. As an adult she told that shocked her so much she soon bucked up her ideas!

YAMMY, further to my letter at Christmas to my grandson that shocked the socks off him and he had apologised, I gave him a card with his belated Christmas money saying thanks for the apology it took courage to that. At 22 we get on so we’ll he comes over about every 3rd weekend to cook us Sunday lunch as he he trying to learn to cook.

I'm afraid I would in the first instance get up to leave the room, and in a friendly way ask him to come with you. Once out of the room, simply say to him, my house my rules and in my house that's not acceptable. I'm sure you didn't mean to be rude, so I will excuse you this time, but please don't be rude again.

Give him carte blanche to use his mobile or tablet. That should keep him busy.

Since when has being rude been normal ? No wonder many young people are so bloody rude these days when their elders continually make excuses for them.

I think the OP has given further information which perhaps explains why this young man is behaving badly. His father is very preoccupied with work and does not appear to be around as much as might be preferable. (There may also be other issues relating to the amount of time the husband is spending away from home, that outsiders are not aware of).

Although it is perhaps understandable that there are issues which are causing this young man to be rude and disruptive, I don't think it should be ignored. I still feel he should be told that nobody will engage in discussion with him if he shouts over everybody and, in effect, calls them stupid. Having warned him, if he continues to be unpleasant, just walk away without responding.

I am glad that the OP hasn't cancelled the visit because perhaps this family needs a bit of downtime away from their own home. I hope it all goes well.

I don't think it's particularly unusual or abnormal for young people to behave like that for so many reasons. For a start they are experiencing enormous cognitive changes, their hormones are surging and their emotions are all over the place. You seem concerned about two things, firstly, your hint that it's unpleasant sexist behaviour is, to me, the most worrying aspect - I assume he isn't learning that at home. Adolescent boys are influenced by their peer groups and can be quite obnoxious as they start to learn to negotiate the complexities of male/female relationships and there's a huge problem with this sort of behaviour in universities at the moment. Hopefully he'll mature into something more civilised if he has good role models at home. The second thing seems to be his 'rudeness'. I'd suggest that as the more experienced adult you try and regulate your responses to his behaviour and stop yourself getting wound up and emotional about it. Perhaps, without too much pressure, you might even encourage him to chat about the things that are making him react in the way he is. Listen to what he has to say and try and understand his point of view. Many young adults of this age are seriously anxious about genuine issues like, for example, climate change, they feel angry and powerless and see the attitudes of some of the older generation, politicians etc as dangerously complaisant and stupid. As others have said, he's probably as keen to visit you as you are to have him - he an almost grown-up but too immature to be left home alone.

My GS was 12 just last week. No way does he behave like you describe. Parents should be addressing his behaving towards people. You say you have witnessed this kind of behaviour in him before, has tgere been any mention of ADHD, even a level of autism. With you saying you feel he doesn't listen to females, what makes you feel this, is he exposed to this behaviour by adults? His behaviour is not usual imo.

I think it would be nice to try to get him onside. Acknowledge his sentiments and agree with him - that it’s boring, share with him that you were bored for the same things at his age, share anecdotes with him from your past, ask him what he’d like to do and have some suggestions ready that he may like to do. I’ve kept a Wii for just those moments with older grandchildren. Ask his mum what his interests are before the visit and gen up on them so you can talk to him. Give him a responsibility to working alongside you (don’t make it an order) could be cutting a cake to have with a cuppa, making a cup of tea or helping to make sandwiches or a pizza for tea. Ask him first if he can use a knife safely 😉 (and possibly give a small reward as acknowledgment). This will help him feel valued and give him a sense of self-worth.
He’s angry for a reason, even if it’s just down to his hormones being all over the place. Good, positive relationships need to be built with him so he gradually realises that “you’re cool”. It won’t happen overnight and you will need patience. It doesn’t mean you have to be a doormat. Let him know in one sentence that his comments have hurt you and ask if you have deserved being hurt by him, then move onto something positive. Don’t dwell on it.
You’re going to have to spend a little time before their visit planning things that will hopefully engage him and practise saying positive responses to his ‘moody comments.
If your efforts don’t work during this holiday at least you will know that you’ve tried to help him and I bet your bottom dollar he will remember you in a good light. Remember, it will take a lot of courage for him to change face and step down from his moodiness. It’s what you all have come to expect from him, and he knows that. He will sense any animosity felt towards him so see the good in him and be positive from the moment he arrives.
I feel sorry for him if no adult is reaching out to him and helping him during an often tricky transition into adulthood. We are the adults and he is still a child (don’t tell him that) and it is our responsibility to guide them through a miserable time. You need to be a good role model.
You could have a word with his mother about how you intend to be positive etc so that she can be on board. The father does seem at a loss and therefore less willing to deal with his behaviour . If the father sees that being supportive makes a difference he may make more of an effort too.
My apologies for how this is written - I find writing on such a small screen and in a small box difficult.
I hope you let us know how you get on. Good luck.

It can be such a difficult age. My two eldest grandsons are brothers aged 15 and 12. The 15 year old is a joy and (so far) seems to have bypassed any ‘Kevin’ behaviour. The 12 year old is finding his feet, bless him. He is perfectly polite, but monosyllabic. He will respond to anything you ask him politely enough, but engaging in conversation is nigh on impossible. I feel for him. The brothers get on surprisingly well and always have done, but the oldest is tall, handsome and quite popular. The younger boy is a lovely looking lad, but is quite short for his age. He took to saving up birthday and pocket money to buy dumbbells. Obviously feeling a little insecure and self conscious. I do feel for him. I think children and young people live in a time so much more difficult to navigate these days.

One tip, my nephew went through a somewhat difficult stage. Throughout it all I used to call him “my lovely lad”. I would like to think that in a very small way it supported the sterling efforts of his parents to raise him. He is now 25 and you could not meet a more caring, thoughtful and lovely man. Positive reinforcement of any good behaviour and a certain degree of overlooking less positive behaviour works wonders (obviously very poor behaviour should not be tolerated). Good luck

Jess20 merits repreating:

"I don't think it's particularly unusual or abnormal for young people to behave like that for so many reasons. For a start they are experiencing enormous cognitive changes, their hormones are surging and their emotions are all over the place. You seem concerned about two things, firstly, your hint that it's unpleasant sexist behaviour is, to me, the most worrying aspect - I assume he isn't learning that at home. Adolescent boys are influenced by their peer groups and can be quite obnoxious as they start to learn to negotiate the complexities of male/female relationships and there's a huge problem with this sort of behaviour in universities at the moment. Hopefully he'll mature into something more civilised if he has good role models at home. The second thing seems to be his 'rudeness'. I'd suggest that as the more experienced adult you try and regulate your responses to his behaviour and stop yourself getting wound up and emotional about it. Perhaps, without too much pressure, you might even encourage him to chat about the things that are making him react in the way he is. Listen to what he has to say and try and understand his point of view. Many young adults of this age are seriously anxious about genuine issues like, for example, climate change, they feel angry and powerless and see the attitudes of some of the older generation, politicians etc as dangerously complaisant and stupid. As others have said, he's probably as keen to visit you as you are to have him - he an almost grown-up but too immature to be left home alone."

Give him a sharp slap around the ear

🙄🤔😟

Wonder if new hormones have been invented over the last decade or two.

At some point or other this odious little twerp will find himself facing someone outside the family who won't 'make allowances' or 'reward the good and ignore the bad' and may find himself getting more than a telling off.

It would be interesting to know if this behaviour is tolerated among his mates, at school, at any clubs he goes etc.

It's normal to do a lot of things, but that doesn't mean they're acceptable everywhere. It's normal to go to the bathroom, but I don't want to watch someone do it in the living room. I kind of loved the solution of getting up and leaving the room every time the actor started up. But I also think I would tell him that he's being rude, and that it's not appropriate. I'd also tell him that, if there's something else you'd rather talk about, then why don't you bring up a subject, when there's an opening, and we'll all discuss it.

I'm with VioletSky on this. I think we teach children to be respectful by including them. If a child said we were talking rubbish, I'd ask him to explain why he thought it was rubbish and listen to what he had to say, and engage with him factually if I disagreed.