Do you ever look back ......

Parents, not patens!

This is just one of the threads that reinforces how tough life can be but also how we have , at the very least partially, succeeded in spite of it all ( including poor examples and even abuse from parents).
I know I've been thinking a fair bit recently about ways in which I could have been a better mother and been much more aware of some of the things my kids were going through that I've only fully appreciated recently.
The phrase " we can't change the past" sounds trite but is an important truth. We do often need to be kinder to ourselves as well.
If we find ourselves ruminating about past failures to the extent it affects our present wellbeing, we maybe need to find self- help strategies or get professional help to help us.
I know I was in danger of letting such rumination affect me recently.
For me, my faith plays a huge part in my life and I felt very clearly God's reassurance that whatever was in the past could be put behind me and I could focus on being a good mother and grandmother in the present as I was reading some notes headed "Whatever you have lost, God can restore" .
I know there are many for whom that might not resonate.
I also studied psychology many years ago ( although my career was in maths education) and I place a lot of store in evidence - based psychological techniques, formal counseling etc
This was an interesting read ( from a fairly brief browse - there will be a variety of similar things)
www.mindwell-leeds.org.uk/myself/exploring-your-mental-health/depression/rumination/

I think I was a rubbish mother. I wanted them so much but wasn’t much fun and probably too stressed. I get on ok with them but don’t think they like me much

When my son got married my DIL father said how happy he was that his daughter had joined such a loving family , I was very touched that we had obviously given that impression. We are very close to our 3 but I know there were times that I struggled with parenting and that I possibly fell short but I tried my best with what I had at the time as did my own Mother back in the day. We all have our struggles and are only human. We are a loving family and our children àre good ,kind decent people and that will do for me .

When I look at my daughter as a wonderful mum to her two girls, I often wonder if I did the very best I could for my children. Times were hard and we did what we could. Ill health for a couple of years made thins very difficult.

I did my very best, that’s all I can say. My eldest girl was a ‘wild child’ between the ages of 13 and 18. I begged for help with her moods, her anger, truancy (resulting in permanent school exclusion with no real back up plan from the LA) drug experimentation, running away from home, unwanted pregnancy at 14 (which ended in termination) etc etc. My family were far away and no real help even to listen. Social services were a joke and not interested. My husband (now ex, thank heavens) gave up quickly with his daughter and carried on being the emotionally, verbally and physically aggressive person he had been throughout our 27 year marriage. I have never felt so alone and desperate. My other two younger children suffered, I’m sure they did, but I held on grimly, managing my job and the awful home situation as best I could. Been better off without husband really but he refused to leave and I had nowhere to go. As I say, despite everything social services were not at all interested as they viewed my home as ‘stable’! Wind on down the years and we are all ok. Not marvellous or fantastic or perfect but ok. My eldest is married with children of her own and lives a normal, happy life. She gets stressed still but is a lot better. The others are good. Me? I’m thankful to have survived it all and while my life has not turned out at all as I had hoped at least my children are ok and we all love each other.

....while my life has not turned out at all as I had hoped at least my children are ok and we all love each other.

I guess we could all say that in some degree or another. Mostly we get there in the end.

I have regrets, but not sure where I went wrong. I did what I thought was my best at the time.
But, considering that my son hasn't spoken to me for 10 years, it wasn't good enough
I still love him dearly though and think of him daily

Luckygirl
I agree, we have to put things into perspective, with Christmas behind us, I realise we are fortunate, all of our children and grandchildren here, including the grown up ones, and yes the children still bicker as if they’re school children, but we all get on, we have a laugh, I think we like each other.
So that’s good enough for me. I was saying to a friend today, all that ambition for them, getting them into the right schools, encouraging them, worrying about them, none of it paid off, but it doesn’t matter, they’re all nice kids, maybe their lives have taken turns we hadn’t foreseen, but as long as they’re happy, I’m happy.

I was just thinking, that could be me and my rose coloured glasses, they could be thinking, Thank God
That’s over

It may not have been good enough for your son Livey, but that doesn't mean it wasn't good enough. We've been estranged from our youngest son for 10 years but have a wonderful relationship with his older brother.

i married a much older man and we did not intend to have children but we had a son, by the time he was 5 we had to live on benefits as my husband took ill, i felt so bad and very guilty as i could not buy the things that other kids had, my son was 16 when we lost his dad. my son has turned out to be a great person, he has looked after me and helped so much in the last few years since i was ill. i think i did okay as a mum, we are very close, he never ends a phone call without saying love you.

I am happy for you. Being proud of your children must be a joy for you.

I think gin and a hot bath might have been used with me as Mum was 42 and hated my unfaithful father. She already had two teenagers and was struggling with them apparently.

We are in different times now. My attitude to my parents changed when I became a Grandparent.

I sometimes think I have a hard centre don’t ever cry much but that is because of my bringing up. So wish I had had a normal childhood. But this has got to me. The upbringing and all these comments and memories.
Why are we so hard on ourselves. I had no support after I had son no. one. Did better the next time. Oldest son likes to tell me what I did wrong but younger one loved his childhood. We should not reproach ourselves so much. I did my best. Both have done well. Things going along ok now. But we will all think of it from time to time.
We must try to boost our self esteem as some where along the line we have lost it.
Look after yourselves.

I don't cry easily and can't do more than some tears running down my face. It's down to being shouted at for crying as a kid and being banned from it. I have a theory that my inability to cry is one of the reasons that I've suffered from chronic pain and bowel problems- it's the pain coming out a different way.

My Estranged son (Before he estranged) loved to tell me what a bad Mother I am, but my youngest has never had any complaints and chooses to live with us even though he has a good career and could easily move out if he wanted to.

Goodness. What you are saying sounds like me. My son (eldest) became estranged from us for about 4-5 years. Ok now but remain wary. Son no.2 a lovely guy. Perhaps we should love ourselves more.

So sorry @Fernbergien My estranged son once ignored us for two weeks while living in our home, then cut me off last year after he'd moved out. We decided to give them gifts last Christmas anyway because of Grandkids, they then talked to us for a bit and treated us worse than ever before cutting us off just before one of Gc's birthdays. Gutting! Don't know how I'll trust him again. Younger son is lovely.

We definitely need to love ourselves more and know we did our best. I've said to my ES loads of times how much hes loved and that I've always done my best, but I'm human and humans make mistakes. He makes no admission of his, only mine. He's on drugs. He's parent of the year. (sarcasm) I'm so angry and dissappointed in him and he doesn't know.

I've never really given it much thought until recently. Each of our DDs have done things lately with their own children that we used to do with them. When they told us about it they each said they remembered what we'd done and what fun it was so they wanted to make those memories for our grandchildren. It made me realise we must have done something right!

Well done! I am sure we all got some things right - but unfortunately it is the bits I did not that I seem to remember! I will have to consign them to the bin.

It's down to being shouted at for crying as a kid and being banned from it.

I can relate to this. Crying was seen as a personal affront to my mother but I can now see that she didn't actually know how to deal with the feelings she had when I cried. I learned very early on to stop but my younger sister couldn't and she would often get a pounding when she couldn't.

My daughter was totally unmoved by tears on the few occasions I was completely unable to stop them. If anything, it seemed to make her despise me just that little bit more.

I'm so sorry I canhandthemback It's so hard not being allowed to process your emotions. I was invalidated my entire life, forced to put up and shut up. Ridiculed for being an attention seeker if I had any small need. I was sent to school in agony and went a further three days with no medical treatment before I saw a dr and it was discovered that I had peritonitis. Well, I lived to tell the tale, but if I was listened to it wouldn't have gotten so bad.

The night my Grandad died my mother yelled at me that it was all my fault. Then she yelled at me for not expressing emotion. I had learned to take abuse and not verbalise it. They had trained me well and yet I still wasn't the daughter they wanted.

It is so sad to hear that so many of us had difficult upbringings. But heartening to hear how so many rose above it and went on to make successful lives, albeit with some regrets.

In the end I guess we all do our best with the hand we are dealt - and so do our chidlren.

It is interesting to see how these things perpetuate themselves through the generations. I am sure that my mother's problems were as a result of her strict upbringing, and that her parents in their turn were influenced by theirs.

I also think that most people of current grandparent age will have had parents whose outlook on life had been influenced by the second WW - that is certainly true of my father whose experiences in Singapore made him bitter and cynical and probably not the greatest of husbands. Ironically my Mum was never so happy as during the war when she was a Land Girl and felt she had a useful role. She was not really cut out for motherhood, but I guess she did her best.

I dont look back on parenting because I chose never to have children and never regretted my decision. Had I chosen to have them I would have brought them up "hard" by making them save, work and hustle for the things they wanted and not handing them life on a plate. Its called "tough love".

My sons have turned out to be lovely people, so something must have been right. Their father died when they were six and nine, so that wasn’t easy. Luckily my parents lived not too far away, and helped give them stability.

I shouted at the children and got very annoyed with them sometimes. Sometimes (rarely) I smacked them, simply because I couldn’t cope. This upset me, as my parents wouldn’t have dreamt of smacking or shouting at us. Problems (mostly my brother’s) were dealt with by discussion.

I now think all this was pretty normal, but it upset me at the time.

biglouis

I dont look back on parenting because I chose never to have children and never regretted my decision. Had I chosen to have them I would have brought them up "hard" by making them save, work and hustle for the things they wanted and not handing them life on a plate. Its called "tough love".

Good decision made then, Biglouis.