Do you ever look back ......

biglouis I would have brought them up "hard" by making them save, work and hustle for the things they wanted and not handing them life on a plate. Its called "tough love".

What do you mean by that? Most of us seem to have been able to bring up happy and well balanced children who are contributors to life not takers, without sending them up chimneys, aged three, or telling them to stand on their own feet when they do need help and support.

I suspect that behind all your bluster, there is a much kinder person than you want to appear.

biglouis

I dont look back on parenting because I chose never to have children and never regretted my decision. Had I chosen to have them I would have brought them up "hard" by making them save, work and hustle for the things they wanted and not handing them life on a plate. Its called "tough love".

Why comment then?

Easy to talk theoretically.

Personally I reckon most of us will remember things we could have done better - and times when we could have done worse!
I had a somewhat “spikey ” relationship with D1 in her teens (who doesn’t) but some years ago I expressed admiration for her parenting skills and she replied “Well I learned from the best” and that made up for all the traumas and troubles of those teenage years.
I’m not sure about the value of looking back but I hope we can mostly say we did our best and no one can do better than that.

Every so often, when my daughter is talking about her friend's parents who aren't supportive, I get a, "But you would never do that, Mum." It is the closest I'll ever get with a positive judgement on my parenting but I'll take it because from my daughter, that's high praise indeed!

Big Louis my son had wee jobs from he was 12 ,he saved from them and added money he got as gifts .He paid for his first car himself and was as proud as punch to do it .
We were always there for him when he had problems though ,when his first serious relationship broke down due to his partner cheating ,he came home with his 1 year old daughter and stayed for 8 years ....she stayed for over 10 years until he was sure his new relationship would last .We have a great relationship with him,just finished refurbing his new home for him and his wee family and happy to do anything to help when /if he needs us .Isn't that what family does?

I agree with Maw it is "easy to talk theoretically" you sometimes have to live it to understand it. Not that I agree with handing everything on a plate either, but at times, particularly stroppy teenage years, certainly with one of mine, we did have to pick our battles.

I did my best, made my mistakes, in retrospect I would have sometimes done things differently, but as the saying goes "hindsight is a wonderful thing". Our children tell us quite often, they had a wonderful childhood rose coloured specs they're remembering the highs but hearing that from them does make, the sometimes fraught path of all those different stages worthwhile.

I’m fairly sure our youngest was spoiled a bit too much, but she did a sport which took up most of her leisure time for about ten years.
The others were working Saturdays in the family business from quite a young age for their pocket money, and if they wanted extra money, I would find them jobs at home.

Big!ouis you just don’t know exactly how you would have reacted to having children, when the love we usually and normally feel for our children appears. It’s journey even with the experience of helping to bring up siblings, as in my case, or coming from large families.
For all of us who have had children, it has been a learning curve.

From your comments, I believe you had a hard childhood and you may have broken that chain, as I did.

I think people would maybe think twice if they realised it’s a lifetime commitment.
I had my first child at nineteen and have been looking after children ever since in one way or another.
Our finances have been strained with various crises over the years, and it seems that if things settle down with one, things start taking off with someone else.
This is not how I saw my life, but I love them all to bits, despite their various dramas, they are all nice people, but I never see an end to my role as mum/granny, don’t think my responsibilities will ever end, and I’ll just be me.

I’m sure I was very far from perfect, but OTOH I can’t have been too awful since I’ve always got on very well with both dds (now in their 40s).
Dh ditto. He had more patience than I did, but then for so much more time he wasn’t even there! Working long hours, plus very often away for work.

One Very Bad Mother thing I did, when dds were maybe 9 and 12 (can’t remember exactly) was to run away when they were driving me mad. They were sort of noisily play fighting endlessly, which made the dog join in by barking non stop - the noise was driving me mad - and despite my frequent pleading with them to STOP! - they just wouldn’t.

Dh was away, but I didn’t care - I got in the car and drove for 2 hours to a friend I hadn’t seen for ages. When she opened the door I said, ‘I’ve run away from my kids - can I stay the night?’

Had a great night with plenty of 🍷, drove back the next day. All was well at home, albeit dds a mite subdued!
I dare say I should, but I have never once regretted it. 😈

Witzend
You only did what we’ve all longed to do from time to time.
The worst I’ve done was pull into a lay-by when three of my grandchildren were shouting and fighting in the car. I said Right, get out, I’m sick to death of your fighting.
The oldest one
who to be fair, was least at fault, opened her door, and the middle one started crying, obviously, I had to relent, but it felt good.

I am assuming, Witzend that your children were old enough to be left alone or you had put something in place to ensure they were safe. We were taken away from my mother in the middle of the night when she popped next door to see a neighbour. It gave her the fright of her life and took her a year to get us back. When we were parents, she drummed it into us that you didn't ever do anything which could end up having your kids taken away so we were too paranoid to run away although I often felt like it!

As I said, Icanhandthemback, maybe 9 and 12, but maybe 10 and 13 - certainly no older. I suppose I was pretty confident that they wouldn’t do anything stupid (just as well they didn’t!) or I’d never have done it.