Do you ever look back ......

When we watch our children's parenting we often think I wish we had done that BUT sometimes I think no,no,no.

I did what I could as well as I could. My parents valued education and doing your best at whatever you do. I passed that on to the children, who in turn are passing it on to our GC.
The children and grandchildren come to visit or to stay for holidays or invite us to go away with them, so we must have got something right.

Looking back I did the very best I could at the time, given the person I was then - very young and with no family nearby. I think I was a good enough mum, have I any regrets? Yes of course I do but all 5 have grown into lovely adults who juggle very responsible jobs with raising their own youngsters. They ask my advice from time to time and sometimes they even take it!!

I was determined not to be like my mother and much more like my dad when bringing up my children. No help whatsoever from my mum who seemed to criticise every aspect of my life. My own two children remembered their childhood as being great and my son has done me the compliment of trying to bring his five children up the same way. I was a divorced single mum with one child being disabled, we were poor and struggled but happy living in a rural position where the children had freedom to play outside in the fields. My nieces use to come and stay and I still remain their favourite aunty. But I often think back and wish I could have changed some of the things I did but that is life.

Fleurpepper

Realise now that I was far too young (22, not young in today's terms)- went home on day 3 after emergency section (transversal breech), without any family or any help, and with OH working all hours, nights, days and week-ends. I had no idea what I was doing- but I did my best. Was it good enough? I will never know.

Same here Fluerpeppermy first child delivered by EMCS for transverse position.DH went back to work the day after we came home. Very little if any help from family but I managed.Same second time round.I was like a zombie but managed to care or both children.
Thought I met have been a terrible mother compared to all the perfect mothers today.

I think my children would have lost as much as they gained, if not more, if I had tried to be a perfect mother

Every new mother vows to right all the 'mistakes' their parents made and in doing fails to see what mistakes they are making.

Looking back on my own parents, with whom I had a sometimes fraught relationship, with hindsight I can see that what they got right despite our differences was that we, children, always knew that whatever we did, whatever life did to us, no matter how heinous our crime, we could always go home and be welcomed in with love.

In that I tried to make sure that I, as a mother emulated them. No, I was not a perfect mother, but I did get what really mattered right.

In the argument "nurture" vs "nature" I contend that it is all Nature. Anything you consciously do to "bring up" your children will have no effect on the way they turn out. We surely all know families where the children all had the same upbringing but have turned out completely different.

So don't worry about how you brought them up. They would have turned out that way anyway.

The only thing that puts them on the straight and narrow is the way you behave and basic values you live by while they are very young. Then, even if they go off the rails, they know where the rails are and can choose to get back on as and when they are ready.

CrazyH
I’m with you, I know I’ve made mistakes, but I’ve always had the very best of intentions.
Child number one came off worse, born to a sad and lonely nineteen year old with no idea how to raise a baby, the last one born in my thirties, had a much better mother, but they are all lovely decent people and I’m close with them all.
I think I’m a better grandparent really.

I work with vulnerable families ...often on child protection plans....social workers are looking for 'good enough' parenting.....personally I don't think about it...mine have grown and flown....I raised them , mostly 'good enough' ...but never a perfect parent

JackyB, In the argument "nurture" vs "nature" I contend that it is all Nature. Anything you consciously do to "bring up" your children will have no effect on the way they turn out. We surely all know families where the children all had the same upbringing but have turned out completely different.

I agree. Ruminating is, to me, a waste of time.

I never "look back" and worry, it's all to the best anyway, our daughters are who they are. All attributes inside them since birth.

I knew nothing about babies when I had my first one. don't think I'd even touched one! However I had successfully hand reared a pair of two week old kittens so I reckoned a human baby wouldn't be very different.

Over 40 years on my son and his son live with me and my daughter and her family live 10 minutes away. I looked after both her babies when she went back to work and they are a delight. I may not have been a great mother but I think I did all right. Or, to quote an old family friend "You don't seem to have done any worse than anyone else I know"!

As I've be ostracised since 2012 from my three adorable GK with on eperiod in 2015 when they desperately needed childminder duties from us (!) And my other DS partner ghosting me for reasons known only to herself(DS says he's as puzzled but daren't ask too much!?!) I've come to the stark conclusion that I was the worst mother on the planet and got literally everything WRONG WRONG WRONG! Sad but my truth..

I did what I could for my firstborn with the limited parental skills formed from a chaotic, violent early childhood followed by Boarding School. Oh, if I knew then what I know now, I would have been a very different parent but that information wasn't out there.
I had big age gaps between my kids and so by the time I had the second child, I knew so much more and with the 3rd child, I was positively laid back.
Of course there are times when I self-flagellate but I did my best with the tools available to me.

Do I look back ? Mabbe occasionally.
I tried to be very different to my mother who was ...hard on occasions. She was a stunning woman absolutely gorgeous and she ended up with this fat daughter.
However about my son. It was just him and I until my husband aka the wicked stepfather came on the scene . A few years back I was chatting about how hard life was prior to my husband coming and how poor we were at that time. Rent was half my money and I would buy bread and a spread for the weekend before payday. He was shocked to hear that we were actually considered poor. A couple of years when he was very young we had a charity assisted Xmas box.
I think if he felt life and home was secure then that is good.
PS the wicked stepfather spoils him and his family rotten

I did my best and probably fell short. When I think of my own childhood I am flabbergasted that my loving parents turned a blind eye to me being caned at school, over a period of three years.

I know I could’ve done better. It was a difficult time though. I came out of an abusive marriage into a scrappy divorce and my poor kids witnessed most of it. I went back into a shift working job so at times i wasnt there for my children, but it gave us a home and food on the table.( as my ex never paid a penny for maintenance)
My kids have both grown into good parents themselves , both in loving marriages. However my son bought his sister a book called’ the book you wish your parents read before they had you’ for xmas 2/3 years ago . Of course she told me about it and i have to admit it hurt quite alot. He also tends to tell me things i did wrong that he remembers in conversation with him and other people .My daughter tells me to forget about it and that he’s got a very selective memory, only remembering the bad things,
Maybe I’m too sensitive?

My heart goes out to those of you who were told they were unwanted (gin and hot baths!!). My mother was a narcissistic b**ch, but she wanted me so much (after an 8 year gap from her first child) that she was trying to adopt when she fell pregnant with me. She 'needed' me, in an unhealthy way, but she was a good mother while I was little, and things went downhill when I developed a mind of my own. Overall, I think I was happy and probably better off than others. As to my own mothering skills, I made some really, really big mistakes (leaving them for periods of time due to my own mental health struggles) but they have both let me have it with both barrels, had therapy and we are all settled and love each other now. They are both well adjusted and happy adults and my daughter and DSIL are great parents to DGC.

In everything I did, I did my best. There are times when my best wasn't very good as I suffered depression. Everything was all about them. I can 100% say I did my absolute best for them.

I also have a son who thinks I did everything wrong and the only reason he's not constantly telling me how wrong I am is that I stopped replying to his abusive messages after he banned me from seeing or speaking to my GC. They were my only reason to put up with the abuse.

I’d say I’m a 100 per cent better as a mum nanna than my mother and grandmother were I grew up all my life being told wasn’t wanted biggest mistake etc if it wasn’t for you etc things I’ve never said to any of my sons or grandchildren and they know that they are loved and wanted both my sons have done really well for themselves so yes I always think back and think I’ve done well lol

In the argument "nurture" vs "nature" I contend that it is all Nature. Anything you consciously do to "bring up" your children will have no effect on the way they turn out. We surely all know families where the children all had the same upbringing but have turned out completely different.

Some of that will be nature but research shows that the way you are nurtured in the first 3 years has a profound affect on the brain. Children who are starved of love in those 3 years will likely be emotionally damaged compared to those who are in loving environments.

Gin and hot bath? That's a new one on me!
Always!! I always wonder if my children actually love me. They say they do, and they treat me well, but there's always that nagging doubt in my head as I had a terrible relationship with my mother!
I'm sure she must have loved me, well she kept me and, generally, I was treated alright. I had loads toys, was fed well, had parties etc, but there was always a feeling that I shouldn't have been there but that may have been because my siblings were several years older than me and one of them was a rather ill child!
I guess, going from that is where my insecurity concerning my children comes from!!
Anyway, I love them so much and feel blessed to have them.

I, too, wondered if I got it right! But both daughters have never been unemployed, have never been in trouble and are wonderful mothers to their children. I reckon I did something right!

Maybe I want a perfect mother …whatever that is….. but they both stayed outa prison ….got good exam results and have never been out of work.BUT I know wholeheartedly that I am the perfect grandmother….cos my two tell me so every time I see them. 😂

I think we all have similar doubts from time to time. I was quite a strict parent and I sometimes wondered if I'd alienated them a bit. Unfortunately children don't come with user manuals so we can only follow our own instincts and hope we got it right. But judging by the way they've all rallied round to help me and DH for the past week (I've been quite seriously ill) I think I must have got something right. Their concern and obvious love for us both has been truly overwhelming.

Mothering sounds so very simple on the surface, but this thread proves that it is otherwise, and also shows the huge responsibility that it carries in terms of our children's mental health and well-being. I wonder why we take on that huge responsibility? - probably because we do not realise how challenging it is going to be, and because the instinct to reproduce is hard-wired and very strong.

My mother, looking back as an adult, I now realise was beset with many problems. A highly intelligent woman born as an only child to parents who had no interest in education for girls - in this age she would have had a PhD I am sure! She very much blamed her situation on men, whom she saw as having all the advantages in life and causing all the rouble in the world. This of course resulted in a somewhat stormy marriage, which had a massive effect on us children - a lot of tiptoeing around! The battle with my father and the chip on her shoulder in relation to men filled her consciousness and , whilst she looked after us, she had no space left for anything loving or nurturing. This was a huge gap in our lives. And as for praise ........ forget that!

She also had dreadful PMT, I now realise - she was a Jeckyll and Hyde character - very hard for small children to deal with. One minute normal, the next filled with fury,

I tried very hard to show lots of love and encouragement to my 3 children and they have turned out fine - good patens themselves and very loving and supportive to me.

But deep down my lack of proper mothering makes me question whether I deserve their kindness and love - whether it is real. It is interesting that this sense of poor self-worth is still there after so many decades!

What a responsibility parenting is!