Why are neighbours not friendly

vincennes1 - when I moved here in 2008, I made it a point to introduce myself to my 2 immediate neighbours. One was quite young and working. The other was a part-timer like me. So I asked her if they hold coffee mornings etc. She replied in no uncertain terms, that they didn’t and that no one would be interested if I started one. That told me !! However, over the years, I have learned that they are all quite nice but like to keep themselves to themselves. And I decided to stick to my old friends. Problem solved !

Not everybody has 'old friends' locally though.

A lot of people have a neighbourhood WhatsApp group now

Sounds terrible

Probably nonstop:

"Number 5, your bins are still out"

"Number 11, your hedge is blocking the light to my marigolds"

I was at a girls' night out, when three of us revealed we had bought homes in a new development.
We checked the plans and they were in the same cul de sac, beside each other.
Then the parents of my son's best friend ( old school friends of DH) also bought a house beside us.
In the beginning, none of us had any idea that the others were looking in that area.
Thirty years later, we are still friends.

fancythat

May people nowadays, [and I dont think it is just the younger generation], seem to think it is noble to "keep themselves to themselves".

"Love your neighbour as yourself", seems a far off concept nowadays.

Or, maybe, some people lead very busy lives and prefer to choose their friends, and their social activities and not have either thrust upon them simply because they live with others in the same street?

I don't feel obliged to love my neighbours, but I will always be kind and courteous to them, and if they need help in an emergency, I will happily offer it.

Socialising with neighbours is a choice, not an obligation. And not everyone has the luxury of time to indulge in it.

We have a variety of Neighbourhood WhatsApp groups and they are more likely to say 'Hi, **, would you like me to bring your bin in/out* or 'I'm going to the village, do you need anything'.

I ve lived in my house for about 40 years but only know neighbours to say hello to
When I lived in service quarters we were all in and out each others houses as young mums later when I was on a council estate again we were all friendly but there are lots of multi occupancy houses around me and I don’t really know anyone much and that’s fine

I learned the hard way years ago to be very cautious about making friends with neighbors. I ended up with a couple of neighbors who I learned I didn't really care for. But by then, it was very awkward to disentangle myself. Many people aren't good at taking hints, it seems. Then you have the long sad face to deal with whenever you run into them as you head to your car or mail box. Ugh.

I've also had couple of neighbors I can think of through the years, (in different places) who simply refused to stop pushing, even with very little encouragement. It didn't end until they were in a giant huff or one of us moved away. It's not a nice position to be put in!

I'd just tell people that it's fine to OFFER friendship to neighbors but do be sure to gauge and graciously accept their response. It's a different thing entirely to act like their friendship is owed to you just because you want it. It's no one else's job to fill up your life for you or take care of you simply because they happen to live next door.

To be clear, my post is in general, not meant to be aimed at the OP.

I live in a small road of 17 houses and know most of my neighbours. I’ve been here for 29 years and get on well with them . We take in parcels, feed cats and generally help when we can . My NDNs husband has Alzheimer’s and we do a lot for her. We’re just the two of us in a 5 bed house and should downsize, but our great neighbours keep us the there.

I live in a very small village and get on well with my neighbours but would hate to be obliged to socialise. Just not my scene. If you’re looking for friends, probably best to join societies.

My entitled neighbour asked me for my phone number shortly after I moved in. I told her in a snippy tone that my phone number was for friends, family and business associates and not for random people who happen to live next door.

I told her if she wanted to see me to put a note through my door requesting an appointment and I would come around at my convenience. She never did leave a note but relied upon waylaying me in the garden. Then I had a taller fence put in on my side of the boundary so she can't see over it.

High fences make for good neighbours.

crazyH

vincennes1 - when I moved here in 2008, I made it a point to introduce myself to my 2 immediate neighbours. One was quite young and working. The other was a part-timer like me. So I asked her if they hold coffee mornings etc. She replied in no uncertain terms, that they didn’t and that no one would be interested if I started one. That told me !! However, over the years, I have learned that they are all quite nice but like to keep themselves to themselves. And I decided to stick to my old friends. Problem solved !

... So I asked her if they hold coffee mornings etc.

I have a vision of Hyacinth Bucket... "Elizabeth, coffee in half an hour, dear"...

fleurpepper, you have got it wrong. I help my neighbours and they help me and I know the names of all the residents on my close. I take in parcels and have the keys to my immediate neighbours homes. None of us pop into each other for coffee, unless there is an invite and that is what I like and cultivated.

We are all good neighbours but respect each others privacy

Three neighbours posted their phone details to me when lockdown started, just in case I needed anything and I have offered to babysit if needed after lockdown. You can do all this, be a good neighbour, without an expectation of being a bosom pal or knowing someones private business

We have had three communal gatherings out of doors and I attended all three. Everyone here is the same as me, a good neighbour but certainly not in each others pocket. Perfect really

Before I finish, one neighbour was poorly with covid. I took him a bag of groceries that I bought out of my own money, a present to him, lots of things and medications to ease his very bad throat

So fleurpepper, don`t lecture me with your opinion on my neighbourliness

Blueberry pie, spot on

Reading this I realise how very fortunate we have been with our neighbours over the years. Our immediate neighbours are lovely and have supported us as we have supported them. We’re on friendly terms with other neighbours in the road and will help out if we can. We’re not in and out of each others houses but are all “there for each other”. IMO a perfect balance.

Detached and young family one side, helpful during covid, adding me on to their supermarket order (I’m widowed) and always ask if I need anything, but we don’t socialise.
Other side, another widow moved in after my DH died and I invited her round for coffee. She’s very nice, always says hello etc. but never invited me round (4 years ago). That’s fine, she likes to keep to herself which I understand as I do my own thing and am out a lot.
It sure is an improvement on the neighbours with two ferocious dogs who made my late DH last gardening days a misery😢

One reason your neighbours might be reticent is "lift mentality". If you live very close together, they may feel overcrowded and you know when everyone gets in a lift, they look down and avoid eye contact? Well it could be that.

It could also that they have had a bad experience.

They might not be sociable and want to be left aone.

It's not obligatory to be sociable, you might have to give them time. One of my best neighbours is silent and avoids conversation. She's never any trouble and we've never fallen out in 20 years

Op

I think saying hello and goodbye to neighbours is friendly and polite

I think what you are asking is for neighbours to become friends and be part of each other's social lives - totally different animal

Different lifestyles, agendas, hobbies....

As a family with young kids, we barely have time for our friends, I cannot imagine being part of neighborhood events

Dickens 😂- I can assure you I am no Hyacinth Bucket - I don’t own a string of pearls (well I do, but it’s a cheapie from Tesco) and my sister doesn’t have “room for a pony. But a group of us ( in the 70s) did have monthly coffee mornings 😂

I want to live in your close. We have Neighbours in Charge, in charge of the street. They send people to Coventry, decide who is in favour and who isn't. They've set up a social committee with a small group and are in and out of each other's houses, go on holiday together, lots of virtue signalling if anyone does anything vaguely kind its all over facebook "What great neighbours we are, I have such amazing friends here" because someone took in a parcel. They've organised a few street parties with music blaring out for 12 hours and all their mates invited over to get drunk.

So yeah, I wish I lived in your close OP!

vincennesl
You say you "have come to the conclusion that no one has time for each other these days".
Yes there is some truth in that. Time's have changed and I believe that we are seeing more people who are self-absorbed and lacking in compassion for their fellow beings.
Perhaps you should rethink what sort of a relationship you want with your neighbours as others have suggested.
I live in an apartment building where residents exchange pleasantries but never knock on each others doors unless invited beforehand.
When I was somewhat incapacitated with a broken ankle a couple of people offered to walk my dog. I look after a neighbour's cat occasionally and I am currently looking after someone's dog. I wouldn't describe my neighbours as friends but we help each other out and that's great.

We have nice neighbors that we chat with outside but we don't socialize with them. The older man a couple doors down is very gregarious and socializes with the younger family next to us. DH doesn't feel that he has anything in common with that man so we're sort of out of the loop. Overall, it's a very pleasant street and we take in packages for each other.

I have come to the conclusion that no one has time for anyone these days

It might be true - literally - that people just don't have the time to socialise with their neighbours. If they lead busy lives, they won't have much time to themselves and what little time they might have will be taken up with family and friends already established. That is what I can see with my neighbours. They are all very friendly and will chat briefly - and are certainly helpful if necessary. But, they are busy - as am I - so I think that's good enough.

If you want to socialise, I hope you can find a group, club or some kind of organisation where you can meet people locally, maybe sharing the same interests.

I can’t imagine not knowing one’s neighbours. I live in a small close where we have a residents association, a WhatsApp group and annual bbqs. We have keys for several neighbours, take in parcels, feed cats, help out in emergencies and with diy tasks etc. The WhatsApp group is usually for things like anyone want any spare tomatoes, or has anyone got a lemon for a recipe - there’s always someone who responds.