Why are neighbours not friendly

Surely no one moves somewhere expecting a ready made social club? There are places you can move that are more designed for that purpose, like sheltered housing complexes. Then everyone is around all day, not rushing out for work.

We are friendly to the neighbours on one side and respect the standoffish neighbor the other side- but we would not socialise with them because we are very different people. The standoffish neighbour is the best because shes the quietest,

I was totally put off a house when we first started looking outside London 40 years ago when I was told how friendly and social a particular close was “with coffee mornings and Tupperware parties. And sometimes groups of families all went on holiday together. “ Not for us.
If friendships and neighbours overlap that is lovely, but neighbours can move and friendships can become oppressive if families live on top of each other.
However if neighbours are stand offish you just have to put up with that and look elsewhere for friends.
(There’s worse can happen when neighbours are truly bad.)

vincennes1

If you feel lonely - understandable if you live alone - would you consider joining local interest groups / clubs / organisations, etc?
You're far more likely to make friends this way than relying on random people who happen to live in the same street.

Everyone has their own lives, and we're all different. Some like to socialise with neighbours, others don't - for various reasons. And I don't think this has changed much over the years except that some people are perhaps more busy than they would've been many, many years ago when, for example, it wasn't unusual for women to be at home whilst their husbands were out at work. Now often the women are out at work, too. And retirement is a different kettle of fish to what it was in bygone years also. Some retirees start a whole new life when they retire, taking on voluntary work, hobbies, etc, as opposed to pottering around at home and in the garden. If anything, I think we are more 'structured' now in our lifestyles and some, like me, have to be if we have caring responsibilities. I personally wouldn't have the time to socialise with my neighbours even if I wanted to because what little 'down time' I have, I use to relax, catch up with family and friends, read, or even enjoy doing nothing at all.

And there's no guarantee that you'd even particularly like your neighbours if you got to know them, nor have anything in common with them, except living in the same street. At least if you join an interest group, you will be mixing with like-minded people, and some will be local to you.

A good and sensible post dickens. I am making friends via interest groups, making friends is a slow process and cannot be rushed. Friends and friendly are two very different words

Personally, I have always been an energy-giver and it is all too easy to have an energy-taker latch on, leaving me drained. A real friend for me is equal to me wrt energy process and I include my five siblings as my friends and also my three AC. Some of us just don`t have that gap in our lives, that others assume alone people have

Maw, that would have had me running a mile too

Thanks for all your suggestions. I do belong to some clubs but I think because I recently lost my partner it has made life more lonely.

Again, as for so many things, it depends on your own situation too.

If you are fairly local, with your own family and friends around you, then it is very different to if you are new to the region and have no support/family/friends network.

If you come from far afield, friendly, but not overpowering neighbours- can be life savers, in so many ways.

vincennes1

Thanks for all your suggestions. I do belong to some clubs but I think because I recently lost my partner it has made life more lonely.

Don’t give up on your neighbours yet.Issue an invitation to at least one or two and see what happens.
Sometimes it’s worth you being the proactive one to get the ball rolling.

Op

The neighbours cannot fill the gap of loliness.

How about joining a group to make friends?

With neighbours its all too easy to get yourself "lumbered" with providing a higher level of support than you want to, and finding yourself a virtual PA for someone needy and entitled.

I once made the mistake of offering to fill in a DLA form for a neighbour (thankfully not an immediate one) and she really took advantage. Before I knew it I was doing her shopping, making all her phone calls, ordering stuff and odd jobs in her home. This was at a time when I (a non driver) had a full time and highly responsible job at the uni. She found out I often worked at home and was around having coffee and a chat which went on for hours.

Then her adult son moved in and I thought well here is the opportunity to step back. She kept telling me that he was "not good" at the kind of admin things I wa doing for her and brought the wrong shopping. How often do men get away with their share in the household by being "not good" at stuff. Whenever I told her I could not do something there were floods of tears and "how shall I manage".

In the end I did gradually step back. First I told her that the uni no longer allowed working from home so I had to be in the office 5 days a week. Then I began not answering the phone when I saw her number pop up. I told her that I now had a lot of travelling to do for my job and would be away for several weeks at a time. Fortunately we did not live in the same street so she had no idea whether I was home or not. This meant that she had to rely more and more on her son and others for help which of course was appropriate.

Eventually she downsized to a supported flat in another area across the city. I resolved never to become "involved" with a neighbour again.

I moved to my bungalow three years ago and my neighbours are lovely, one even put a New Home card in my letterbox on my first day. My wee dog sits in the window watching everything go by and people go past now and wave at her, I think it's hilarious. I'm the youngest in the street and end up bringing all the bins in, etc. They are all great, thank goodness.

I live in the East Midlands. Sometimes my neighbours say hello but others ignore my greeting - they may be listening to music. Strangely my excellent neighbourliness came hundreds of miles away! A parcel for my grandson was left on the doorstep in full view of the road. My daughter wasn’t in and I called HER neighbour who went out and collected it. I’d met this lovely lady on a visit to my daughter in London. So thanks Catherine. People are nice no matter where. It does come down to how busy they are.

I've been pretty lucky with neighbours on the whole have had some really good ones over the years, one Spanish woman we were more or less the same ages, from 2 houses ago. When our children were young we would often spend time in each other's back gardens with the children in paddling pools whilst she told me what it was like growing up in Spain under Franco. Next house, we lived next door to an Iranian family who fled Iran in the wake of the Ayatollah, she, the mum was slightly on the hysterical side insomuch she had very loud conversations on the phone in Farsi often with the door open and we could never quite make out with she was laughing or crying, possibly both. She also made quite a hullabaloo noise wise, very loud music at midnight, I think she was pretty nocturnal and quite oblivious to what time it was. Nevertheless she was very kind and had a very good heart, we never fell out, she often told us she loved us as neighbours and did cook us the most wonderful Persian meal on one occasion. We were in that house for about 20 years, my son who was the year below her daughter at school became very good friends with her once they'd left, they are still in regular contact.

I think the most awkward situation I had and I didn't really know how to handle it was when I was in my first house as a young adult. I had some annual leave owing which my boss asked me to use up it coincided with that week being nice weather so I did what I like to do best, read in the garden. We hadn't been in the house long, we were on hello terms with the neighbours but didn't really know them. There was me stretched out on the lawn with my book when my neighbour pops her head over the fence with a "would you like to come and look at my Denby dinner service" me in my head "bloody hell no I wouldn't" but not wishing to appear stand offish and not really knowing how to decline polity I found my afternoon taken up with looking at her china followed by all her Le Creuset pots and pans any anything else she could pull out of her kitchen cupboards for perusal hours of my life I'd never get back again, but hard to explain to someone who I didn't know, "I actually like being on my own with a book after the daily grind of the commute and work" without appearing unfriendly. After that various invites to something called "Pippa Dee parties" in her house, something else I had no desire to attend. After that and bit wiser it made me slightly more cautious in subsequent houses to strike the balance between being a good neighbour without being too sucked into someone else's life by virtue of the fact that they lived next door.

I don't really have neighbours. I share my house with a very nice lodger and we invite each other round for coffee sometimes!

There's a block of flats next to my house but the tenants change too often to form friendships though recently a man popped out and offered to dig my car out of the snow.
I have lived here for over 40 years, since before the flats were built. I was friendly with people whose houses I can see (our gardens meet) but they moved or died and now I hardly see the new people unless out on a walk.
There is a house for sale now so I will need to see what happens.
When I lived in the city with small children, my next door shared wall neighbour was a spinster who refused to come in for a cup of tea. We chatted over the garden fence.
The week before we moved out she asked me in for a sherry.
I could hear my noisy family through the wall and was embarrassed.

biglouis 'With neighbours its all too easy to get yourself "lumbered" with providing a higher level of support than you want to, and finding yourself a virtual PA for someone needy '

a sad story.

I hope you never need help yourself.

As said above, 'just depends'. A someone who moved around a lot, with young children and no local family or friends- I am glad people agreed 'to get lumbered' with us. And karma played its magic, and they got fantastic support in turn when they needed it.

I think if you have people who are strangers to your locality, young mums, elderly folk- then it is great to extent a hand and provide a warm place to feel safe. I shall always remember the friendship and support I got, and always make sure I also provide the same to those who need it now.

The last home I bought was in a local authority estate- I loved it, we didn't live in each others pockets but were there for each other. Where I live now no one bothers. You could die and no one would realise. I helped our local MLA to get speed humps, as its a busy street with lots of children. Not even one thank you.

I sympathise with biglouis’s story. She has told it before and it appears the neighbour really did latch onto her and expect far more than was reasonable whilst, iirc, having an adult son to help her. I’m sure most people are happy to help out now and then if necessary, but hers was not an experience I would want.

Where I live we don't live in each other's pockets but have always been there if any of them has needed help and also same back.
You don't have to be best friends or do coffee to be a decent neighbour, you just have to care and be a nice person. It suits us and our neighbours. We are all a similar age and all working age.

Having good neighbours is highly desirable but it’s a bonus. The most we can realistically expect from them is that they will be quiet and tidy and say hello when you meet them. I have 2 very pleasant neighbours in my small cul de sac but the newcomers next to me, a young family, don’t mix at all with anyone. Sadly that is their prerogative.

Germanshepherdsmum

I sympathise with biglouis’s story. She has told it before and it appears the neighbour really did latch onto her and expect far more than was reasonable whilst, iirc, having an adult son to help her. I’m sure most people are happy to help out now and then if necessary, but hers was not an experience I would want.

Yes, I remember her detailing her experience with the neighbour previously and from what she wrote, the neighbour - and her adult son - were exploiting her willingness to help out.
There've been other similar stories on these forums where good-natured people have been burdened by those who've taken advantage of their kindness. Such people do exist.
I don't believe anyone should feel compelled to be 'friendly' above the level of being a good neighbour when needed and being civil and amenable to a few minute's conversation in passing - if they don't want to be.
If any of my neighbours want to "keep themselves to themselves", for whatever reason (which is none of my business), then I respect that, too.

As you say, most people are happy to help out now and then and in my street we did just that during lockdowns and when those who were CEV needed help with shopping, etc, it was given. We all helped each other during that crisis by checking up via 'phone calls, text messages - but none of us socialise with each other. Yet I still regard them all as friendly neighbours. We're just not friends in the accepted sense of the word.

Spot on, Dickens”

We're sociable with neighbours both sides here but not really friends. Take in parcels for each other and OH helps if they have a problem with something like putting a flat pack together. He cuts their small lawn and they water our garden if we're away for a week and it doesn't rain. But we don't socialise regularly or pop in each others houses. It's the right balance for us.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

In the past (last house) I was friendly with neighbours - but lived to regret it.

I was brought up to be polite and helpful. I ended up babysitting, childminding, taking kids to school, gardening and helping out the elderly folk - oh, and knowing far too much of other people's business. The final straw was a disturbed young mum spending all day, every day at my house, afraid to be alone with her baby son.

It ended up far too much, with young kids of my own to look after. When we moved here, I decided a quick 'Hello, good morning' was quite enough!

If a neighbour needs any neighbour's continued helping hand that allows that person to live in that home -
1. That neighbour has to hire people to assist him/her
Or
2. Your current living arrangements no longer work and changes are needed

I have moved recently but at my last address the neighbours were all lovely. We certainly didn’t live in each others pockets but during Covid we started a Whats App group for the road - optional obviously but I think everyone was on it. Then if you were in trouble - needed anything from the shops, recommendations for a plumber or such like or even someone to take in a parcel etc. someone would always be happy to do it, with so many people in the group you didn’t ever feel obliged. We had a street party for VE Day and the Jubilee. Where I am now everyone I’ve met is very nice but I think in the winter you don’t tend to see much of anyone. Im trying to join some local groups to make some new friendships.