Why are neighbours not friendly

I've had both experiences - when we married in 1976 and had our first house a retired lady and gentleman opposite used to be on the doorstep for one reason or another every time I came home from work/shopping. They were kindly, but lonely. Drove me mad! For the last 39 years we have lived rurally with no immediate neighbours - bliss!!

I’ve lived in the country all my life until the last few years. As a child I lived on a farm and we were fairly isolated. When first married it was a village where everybody seemed to know all about you, not a fan if that. Later, another village that was very active in arranging get togethers. We had BBQs, Christmas drinks gatherings, Safari Suppers where each course was hosted by a different couple with the whole village meeting at the biggest house for coffee and nightcap at the end of the evening. In spite of all that we were never really friends, just acquaintances. Now I live in a town and I’m on chatting terms with NDN on either side and one opposite who was very helpful during lockdown as I was clinically vulnerable. Now I try to repay him by giving him lifts to the station when he goes away and we chat whenever we see each other outside. That’s perfect for me.

I ask my neighbours in for drinks and nibbles just before Christmas. Just for a couple of hours. It's a chance to have a chat and just keep in touch generally and all seemed to enjoy it.

Forget neighbours, think neighbourhood.
There will be groups you can join, volunteering if you are able, college courses, clubs - broaden your circle that way 👍😘

I never did even when I was much younger do neighbours! I don't now. Polite, friendly etc when I seen them. I never wanted or want more then that.

Neighbours here when we moved in 20 years do the in/out of each others houses. It wasn't going to happen and I made sure it didn't, politely. Door was kept locked and I firmly stood in the doorway once I knew it was a social call.

They have been in once or twice over the years when there has been a reason.

It depends on temperament on the person too, I think.

Also as well people don't have the time anymore. The majority of women are juggling childcare, jobs and so on. Most women don't have the choice but to work today.

OP if your feeling lonely you perhaps need to find more ways to socialise outside of your home with groups, an interest, clubs etc. It's a much better way as it ensures that you are mixing with likeminded people

I now live in an apartment, friendly with neighbours although personally I don’t get too involved.
Where I lived some 20 odd years ago I got involved with a neighbour and it went badly wrong, made me ill and I hadto move!
I’m wary now but value true friendships with people around me
I’m fortunate that I have some very good friends from the past who I keep in touch with regularly and I’m able to get out to meet up with them.
However I understand that there are people eho are lonely.
Hopefully you can get to know other people from outside of your area

People are busy, and anyone born after 1975 probably grew up in the same kind of atmosphere as now, where neighbours no longer said hello in passing, and certainly don't take in each other's washing if the rain comes on, mind each other's children, borrow a cup of sugar if they had run out, or knock on the door and ask you in to theirs for a cuppa.

Some keep their distance, because like me, they have learned the hard way that neighbours who are friendly these days, are on the scrounge. One of mine can't be bothered to learn the language properly after having lived here for 18 years or so, so was in and out of our house every other day, asking could I phone social security for her, her bank, the hospital or whoever else had written her a letter she could not read.

As she has an adult daughter living at home, I started saying no - it took far to long to explain things to her, as I do not speak Arabic, which her daughters do.

Our neighbours moved out just before Christmas and the people who have bought the house have not moved in yet but keep coming to decorate. Apart from saying Hello we have not said any more. DH was ill over Christmas when they were there a lot, so naturally we kept ourselves to ourselves, but now I think we seem a bit standoffish, but DH is not one for socialising. These people are soon to retire, so about 10 years younger than us. I can’t help thinking it could be useful to get to know them. I am ready to be friendly. We never know when we might need help in an emergency!

I wrote on here a couple of years ago about my loneliness. Following the advice of GN friends I now go to a keepfit class
( sitting down) ,I listen to children read at school and I volunteer in a charity shop once or twice a week. It took some doing because I’d lost confidence ,but look outwards to the wider world than your little road. You will make real friends,just smile.Good luck.

We’ve lived in this street since our kids were toddlers! But several deaths among the older occupants has seen a shift in the generations and we’re now among the ‘oldies’ in the street!

We take in post and packages for people and I always stop and have a chat with the ‘new’ neighbours when I see them. We even joined in clapping for the NHS, which a lot of people wanted to do, and we all started chatting across the road! When one of the older residents died, the family decided to ask the funeral cars to drive down the street so neighbours who had known them a long time could pay their respects, which many of us did.

Obviously, things go wrong sometimes, but apart from one family who turned out to be the noisiest neighbours in the world, mostly we get on well with each other!

Hi I moved from the North and actually find people in the South near london very friendly. Been south 35 years would never move back! . Our road has get togethers and parties and some go and some ppl are more private, so I guess it just depends on your road and who lives near. T b h .

It can be difficult if you become too friendly with neighbours and then realise that the friendship just isn’t going to work.
When we moved to our 55+ neighbourhood I asked my NDN round for a cuppa. Being American, she thought this was wonderful! Once a month, I now have 7 ladies from the street round for Afternoon Tea. They just love it, because they think this is what we Brits do every day! We don’t see each other very much from day to day, but we all look out for each other and really look forward to our monthly get-togethers. This is our last retirement move hopefully, and we couldn’t be happier.

My mum used to say, if you want to have friends you should show that you are friendly. Be careful what you wish for. Neighbours can take you for granted and be nightmares.

We are friendly to our neighbours on the street and will chat outside our houses. But we don't go inside each other's homes and it works fine. Everyone is busy and has their own lives. At our ages we are all working busy people and it works.

I honestly doubt we would go inside each other's homes unless there was an emergency and one of us needed help. It would be sad if one of us wanted more, but I don't think we do. I would do anything for my neighbour and I think they would also for me . My neighbour has hugged me and we are friendly, but not too much.

We get on all with either side neighbours and one set actually came and introduced themselves about 5 years ago! Now they're couple and darling 2year old boy! Great neighbour s but - they're both very clever with top professions and parents of our age/ types too so lots in common and well raised in manners! Other side very different background but hilarious and get on v. Well without being too close. He's a builder so trusted craftsman at our fingertips!. We don't expect any mates rates either so no rancour but usually good deals on jobs! Most others in close say hello and chat bit .no enemies at all! Were very very lucky in 24years since built all homes kept well and we all get on!

I live in an over-60's complex and, in the 4 years I've been here, I've yet to make a single friend or even had a proper conversation with anyone. It's miserable. I don't have any living relatives so feel very along. 20 years ago my mother lived in the same complex, had a good social life. There were outings, fish and chip suppers, jumble sales in the community room, bingo nights - all the things you'd expect. Now, nothing. That same community room stands empty. I don't know what's wrong with this current older generation but they all seem dead from the neck up. I always thought I could talk to anyone, but not this lot. I've come to the conclusion that segregating people by age just doesn't work any more. I used to live in an all-ages community and was friendly with 3 or 4 households out of 24, which was just about right. I don't have any explanation why everyone's become so shut down, but i sympathise with any gransnetter who is having this problem. All I can say is, thank goodness for tech!

ruthie, have you done anything to set some events up or are you waiting for someone else to do it?

Re Thank goodness for tech it might actually be that everyone is on the internet.

These days with films, games, chats and so much more online it does seem likely that people re getting their companionship online. Sorry to hear it's so awful and quiet there.

If I had more time and was retired, I would probably not be looking to spend time with my direct neighbours but would join local groups to socialise and get out of the house. Maybe that's the answer- and you might find your neighbours there?

I've lived in my road for almost 20 years and have seen neighbours come and go. I know my immediate neighbours and they are friendly enough but we don't really socialise together. We take in parcels for each other and will help out in a crisis, but that's as far as it goes. I'm the neighbourhood watch coordinator so I pass on information to people via email and after one neighbour was broken into I set up a WhatsApp group so we could contact each other if there was an emergency, or someone's alarm was going off!

I consider it a friendly road but we basically live our separate lives. During lockdown when we were clapping for the NHS I spoke to my next-door-but-one neighbour for the first time and we'd lived there for 16 years at that stage. I'd often said hello to her husband when passing but never really seen her as we always come and go by car! My friends are made through the organisations I'm involved in - the church I attend, the choir I sing in, the health group I walk with most Fridays and the food bank where I volunteer. If you want to have friendships with neighbours I guess it takes work and being prepared to organise things, while being prepared to risk rejection.

Our original neighbourhood watch coordinator was a great organiser and I agreed to be her deputy. When she moved away we called a meeting to elect a successor and only the two of us came, so I took over by default! I think the whole thing could fold if I move away but I don't have the time or the energy to organise things to bring people together more. Most people seem happy with the way things are.

I wave from my car, sufficient. Too far to be asked to accept packages, I would do in emergency, would rather not. We have family, enough people.

Ruthie that sounds pretty lonely and miserable. Can you join any groups, maybe develop a social life?

If I was watching daytime TV or repotting the spider plant then it might be different. Perhaps I would welcome in an unscheduled caller or someone popping in for coffee.

However I run a busy internet business from home. So if neighbours or random callers are interrupting me they are using up time that I could be giving to my customers, who help pay my bills. I have a series of tasks to get through each day, some of which are complex computer based work and require close attention. I do not care to be diverted from working when Im in full concentration mode. Multi tasking is a myth invented by the likes of employers. Humans were not intended to do several things at once because of the mental load it imposes.

Neighbours are not my friends. They are random people who happen to live nearby. I have learned to choose my friends carefully.