When things break down...

Part of the problem is we get so used to having a competent partner that we don't bother to learn how things work or how to get them fixed.

Car issues cause me a lot of stress too. If you don't have a decent bus route where you live you are very dependent. I recently had to get my car through the MOT and normally that would have caused a lot of stress but at the moment my daughter lives with me and has a car I can borrow. She normally commutes by train so it is available to me quite a lot which takes the pressure off. I also use a regular garage where they know me so I trust them not to rip me off. Good luck!

I recognise the fear of not coping - as a part of grief. Having lost so much (my husband) I was determined to hang on to what was left, to some version of 'normality'.

An example was the 'button event' when, crossing a busy road, I lost a coat button. I stopped to pick it up, then saw the open-mouthed look of absolute horror on the lorry driver's face as I hopped out of the way with a second to spare. Only then did I realise just how abnormal my behaviour was!

Oh Maw, it's not about the car is it? It's about being on your own when something goes wrong, about having to sort it out yourself even if you would have done so when Paw was with you. I also think that confidence fades as we get older; I get anxious about driving somewhere I don't know, in my youth I would think nothing of picking up a hired car and driving it through the centre of London, a car that I wasn't familiar with. Now, I wouldn't dream of it. Sending you calm thoughts, and empathy. At least you can have a to calm you if you don't have the car

Love this! ❤️

Maw- I haven’t had a Paw, for 20+ years, due to divorce. He did all the driving. So, when my youngest son was in University in London, I wanted to visit. I had to be brave. I asked his then girlfriend to accompany me. I missed a turning and went right into the centre of London. I remember seeing Harrods on my right; a store I had heard about, but never been in.
I was younger then, so tried not to panic. How on earth, I found my way to his Halls, I’ll never know.
Strangely enough, returning to Wales was so much easier !

I recently had a bad fall, no broken bones thankfully, but I landed very heavily on my left side with my arm, my handbag and shopping bag underneath me! My rib cage on that side and my arm are so very painful every time I move I could scream! Can’t take painkillers, so just have to be patient, rest and wait for it to heal. I live alone, can’t drive at the minute as arm too painful when I move it and I began to wonder if this is what the future holds for me, incapacitated by pain if I never heal? I can’t seem to do anything at all at the moment, can’t shower, dressing/undressing takes forever and is torture, as is trying to make the bed! I started to feel down, so unlike me, then I remembered something my late dh used to say “ if you think you can’t, you are probably right”!!! Som I am telling myself I can and I will I know this is only a temporary setback and I will be ok in a while. It’s not nice to feel so vulnerable though!

I think living in a village with poor public transport and not having your car is enough to make anyone feel anxious tbqh. I hope they fix it soon

When I was 13/14 my dad started to show signs of Parkinson’s ….he took me ‘on’ …out of my loving mum…trying to teach me to knit/sew/crochet , and said he’d start to teach me ‘“summatI might need one day”. He taught me to change the brake linings on his car ( no linings now!) to lift the bonnet and try figure out why the damn thing wouldn’t start and all sorts of electrical stuff …changing fuses …rewiring plugs…decorating ….putting in a new socket….wallpapering..,carpet laying … and gardening! Took him the three years to do it before he was bed bound! I’ve never needed the help of a man from that day to this. Lucky I didn’t ….because my husband didn’t know a screwdriver from a carpet!!!
I fixed his car once on the M1 (before we married )…. with a matchstick , which I had to walk along the hard shoulder to find as we were non smokers….fixed his brakes coming home from wedding at one in morning in the middle of nowhere and changed the battery …which he was going to get ‘ a man from the garage to do!) …unbelievably useless. My dad disliked him immensely as you can imagine.😂

Annsixty
I can really relate to your situation. I also am 85, independent, had a career but I feel so vulnerable without my husband. He always had my back, always reminding me that I am too hard on myself. It has been 8 years and I feel like half of me is gone.
I do take comfort in that I am handling my life very well, but I don’t think it is easy or fun. It is easier when there is two to carry the load.

At 45 I became the single mum of two teenagers. I can't say that my ex was a great loss because I was always far more handy than he was. If I ever did feel like bursting into tears, I would phone one of my sisters or a good friend. I got through a number of crises, like the time a cracked bath leaked through to the kitchen necessitating a complete re-plastering of the ceiling - and a new bath. When it came to car maintenance, I used reliable (recommended) mechanics and still do. I arranged the sale of two houses and am now waiting for the retirement flat to be ready for me. My right hand man is my supremely competent DS1 who does not take after his father!

Agree with Serendipity22.we are stronger than we think we are when we are put to the test!

I can understand how you feel. When you have no doubt coped with multiple tasks, expected and unexpected ,in the past , you not only feel jarred by the unexpected event but can feel a bit panicked by feeling out of control, and at the same time beating yourself up about the fact that that is how you are feeling today. So ,in the beginning , I think to just step away from the problem for a short time, make a drink, maybe ring up your closest friend or a person you know who is usually knowledgeable about things and see what they have to say. When we feel in a panic we can somehow not think of the simplest idea to alter things. That can take the edge off the feelings and I feel better when I can say - well I am just having a rough day - rather than Im hopeless or whatever. You still are that sensible efficient and organised person you have been for many years. Everyone can have an off day! Just remember poor old Michael Fish after all those years being a great weather presenter but only remembered for the day he said no high winds!! Then you might have a short term and a longer term plan. Short term, allow for cost of taxi for a possible journey and at the same time think of friends , who I am sure would be happy to help out just for this short time, where you would pay the fuel. Longer term, do you belong to any womens group? I go to one locally and as I havent lived here long find that it is a good starting place to ask for recommendations for garage doctors or whatever . When several people recommend the same people that tends to be a good place to start. Getting the equivalent of the little black book for dating - I find having a little black book of reputable people with email and phone nos gives me a little peace of mind and then when you feel a bit brighter you can make your own choice. I am sure we have all had days like this, I definitely have, ranging from cant choose what to wear to wondering if I should have moved to another country!! A bit battered round the edges but I am still here to tell the tale. Dont listen to the pull yourself together brigade but do let people help and give a hand today. Next time it will be the other way round and you will be helping someone else. All the very best

I will be a widow in the near future - DH has a terminal illness. I do fear how incompetent I’ll be when it comes to ‘fixing’ things. Can’t even open ‘child proof ‘ containers like bleach bottles!

Don't get over it, get under it.

See if you can get a good deal to insure those appliances that you can't live without

Look into AA membership deals

Start a savings account for the worst breakdown that could happen

Have a plan for if you need to be somewhere without a car, like local taxi numbers ready or a family member who knows you don't have a car right now

It can be reassuring to know you are covered and are prepared

This has happened to me too, Maw. At work I was renowned for my calm approach to crises, and family matters about fifteen years ago got into such a pickle (that's one word to describe a complete disaster) but I held everything together and we got through with a minimum of damage. However - if anything goes wrong with my car I feel jittery and anxious until it is fixed, if one of the GC is unwell I lie awake worrying, if my DD sounds tired or miserable then I become the same, if a meal goes wrong... you get the picture! I really don't know why this has happened to me and I wish it hadn't. Have I run out of 'coping'? Do we perhaps get a certain allocation of coping mechanism and if we live long enough it dries up and disappears?

All of these things are in place VS
Car under warranty, AA and RAC membership (part of the insurance deal) Uber app on my phone, supportive friends, Internet shopping, minicab number on my phone, local handyman to call on - I am far from helpless- but my feelings have best been described by some posters upthread - Rosina, Iam especially - I have had to cope with an ill husband for many years and fight NHS battles on his behalf, to cope with bereavement, and personal and practical crises -honestly I thought after that nothing could ever be as bad again, but it is very different on your own and I do think our emotional resilience diminishes with age.
But I am hugely grateful for the sympathy and empathy I am encountering on this thread - thank you all.

You have friends that can help so you are not really stuck.
It is your own "fierce independence" that is making you feel you cant cope.

But life is far more complicated now, in my opinion, than what it used to be.
People used to be able to fix cars themsleves a lot. Now there is more technology involved.
I dont hesistate to run to others if I encounter problems. As does everyone else in my family/social group. We all help each other out. It is swings and roundabouts as to who is helping out who with what.

MawtheMerrier..No wise words afraid but I do know exactly how you feel. Since DH died in 2022 everything seems a crisis even choosing a new light fitting and don't mention the necessary light bulb. Could have wept not being able to make a confident decision. Not everyday throws up a problem. We though become embroiled in the "now" not remembering all the times we have coped with problems in the past. It's having confidence in ourselves that seems to disappear. Hope the car is fixed with no problems.

We definitely loose confidence as we age,so take things slowly,make a list of anything you require or needs doing & try to cross one thing off a day.Things can feel overwhelming but I tell myself “ Nothing. I can’t do” ,take deep breaths.Read a book to take your mind of worries or phone a friend,good luck.

I know what you mean about being a coper MawtheMerrier.
I had four children and DH was always working away, often abroad for months. Later he worked in the UK but only came home at weekends, so I just lived my life, looked after the children, went to work, cooked and mended stuff by myself when necessary.
Now I'm older and I don't want to have to cope with the day-to-day problems that arise, though I know it has to be done.
I'm lucky that DH is still around and we've already simplified our life, live in a smaller place and updated our cars so now they work better than the very old ones we nurtured for years.
Generally we are living a more manageanble life than before, though we obviously have the usual aggravations of paying bills, doing our tax returns and the like.

MawtheMerrier

Riverwalk

Maw you need to ditch the car, sell up, and get yerself back to London!

Great public transport and everything on your doorstep, including lots of green space for the hound

Having seen what the daughters got for their respective houses (2 up, 2 down Victorian terraces) - and then spent on their moves to doer-uppers, I couldn’t buy a rabbit hutch and Rosie would not fit into one!
You’ve got a point though, I do know people who managed to achieve enough selling up in the Home Counties to buy eg a flat somewhere like the Barbican. Public transport, lots to do in the way of exhibitions, museums etc but I fear that ship has sailed!

We've moved back to London after 15 years away. We ditched the multi-storied pile and moved to a snug maisonette and loooooove it!

(Think that should be multi-storeyed!)

No matter what age: Single women + car problems = neurosis!!

I can totally relate! I usually cope with other emergencies like a storm trooper, but there’s something about those four wheels that turn me inside out.

Two weeks sounds like an awfully long time. If you can, try to find an independent mechanic that would appreciate your business and turn it around quicker and cheaper.

Good luck Maw- in the meantime hitch a ride with a friend or neighbor to the grocer if need be. This too shall pass.
Cheers!
USA Gundy