Being abandoned by friends during difficult times

What a lot of sad stories. Maw you have lovely friends and that brought a tear to my eye.
When I was diagnosed with cancer most of my friends were very supportive except one who kept telling me of all the friends she had who had died of cancer! Needless to say I dropped her.

You never know who is there for you until you have a crisis. My sister moved recently and asked if any of her FB friends could help as she's on her own and disabled. Just wanted a hand with packing/unpacking boxes not the actual move. One friend offered out of 630 on her friends and family contacts.
I would just rely on my DS and DD as I know they would be there for me.

When my husband passed, his family of origin caused chaos. Contact is very minimal now and only with 2 of our neices and 1 BiL and SiL.

Recently I have had a mental health breakdown. I have Complex PTSD. It was a serious one. I certainly found out who my friends were when this happened. Fortunately only one turned her back. That was hard enough. Realising you have been taken in for many years by someone is extremely hurtful.

At 85 I have learned what the word friend means and those who don’t have no place in my life. Better to spend a little more time alone than with those who don’t share your values.

Marydoll do you know about the invisible illness lanyard? They are increasingly worn around because not all illness or disability is obvious. The cost a couple of pounds, and may help you feel better

This is becoming an increasingly big problem everywhere it seems.

It might help, Judy, if you see these friends on your own and explain once and for all that your husband's health problems are more serious than they apparently realise. That their advice is no doubt kindly meant, but in no way applicable.

I would be blunt and say right out that I felt they no longer had time for you now you are no longer as fit as they are. That you are sadly disappointed in their lack of understanding, but if they find your new situation hard to deal with, you can assure them that so do your husband and you.

If they cannot find some understanding and empathy, then I am afraid, I think you would be better off not seeing them than having to listen to their views.

It seems that a vast number of people have no idea how to show consideration for those facing hard times, and when we are in the midst of the hard times we certainly do not have the energy to try to teach them consideration!

I heard recently of more than one recently widowed woman whose friends crossed the street to avoid having to speak to her.

The complete opposite of what the rest of us were brought up to do, but sadly common these days.

My husband had a stroke at 50…couldn’t work… so I went full time. I looked after him as well as work …house…grandkids.. at 65 dementia set in , and I still coped although by then part time at work. Then 4 years ago Alzheimer’s hit him and again he stayed with me at home. This covers a time span of 27 years….out of a group of 4 or 5 regular freinds wed had for 25 years , they all dropped off o E after the other within 3 years…. they all lived within 500 yards of our house …. The only freinds that stayed true ..one couple are still our best freinds …they visited at least once a week and offered help if needed. The others would stop me in street to inquire how thier friend was!!!!
I eventually told them to shove their concern where the sun don’t shine!!!
I do t even acknowledge them when I pass them in street. Your freinds aren’t real…they’re imposters ! Don’t bother with them.

I started to suffer a chronic pain condition in 2007, which is handled poorly, by opiates. Sadly I can now count the number of true friends I have on the fingers of one hand...Many simply do not understand, but good friends can appear along the way. Good luck to you both, and if you want a chat - feel free xxx

I am not trying in anyway to decry things that have been said on here.
However, some people when they are ill, or have very close relatives who are ill, seem to make that illness define them. Rarely talk about anything else, and have the attitude that No-one can be anywayg as near as ill or in as much pain as them.

Some will even use their serious illness as on on-going excuse to be downright rude to people.

And, it is these sort of behaviors that can make people try to avoid further contact.

My husband, at quite a young age became seriously disabled with MS, but his was his personality change that put so many people off from having much contact with him. He NEVER asked for help only demanded it, never said, Sorry to anyone. He is now a very longely, extremely disabled person, only visited by his caers and a duty visit from our adult children about once a year each. So many people have tried to be friends with hium but are pushed back and insulted. So, when the AC do visit him, never once does he enquire about thier lives or their children, or show any interest whatseover if they try to talk to him about those things.

Someone else I know, yes with some painful conditions, spends so much time listing every single pain or disomfort on facebook that it become embarrassing.

Many people are living with quite serious, often painful illnesses, but feel that the only people they need to talk to about these are their doctors.

My husband had a stroke at 53 and has had a couple of TIAs since and yes that's when you find out who your true friends are.Its especially tough when they look perfectly OK. Some do step up though like the rugby coach who wasn't a particular friend who said our son , who was 10 at the time, would never miss a match or training session because he would pick him up himself . Or our quiz team friends who said they would sit with him so I could go out if I wanted a break since I worked full time and have 5 DSs And 1SS . I was OK but it was just so very kind of them. That was 15 years ago but you never forget who your true friends are . The others are not worth wasting your time even thinking about.

Real friends stick by you. Dreadful shock when one realises that one has but a handful. Sounds as if these posters know a lot of shallow peopl.

Pretty sure it’s a known thing that real friends if you are lucky to have them…..can be counted on one hand!!!

Yep. My son’s entire life. No one believes he’s Ill except the doctors. He virtually bed bound. People are horribly intolerant and seem to think people want to live the restricted lives caused by chronic ill health - ridiculous 🤦🏼‍♀️ I’m sorry things are hard.

Judy you have my sympathy on every level. I have a long term health condition which has massively impacted on my life. I am fortunate as friends and family, in the main part, have been very supportive. When I am unwell (I don’t look much different) I think it is hard for people to understand or relate. I also think that some people simply cannot cope with the ill health of others. Stick with those who stick with you and try to forgive the others. Even if they don’t deserve it, you can chose to be the bigger person. Wishing you all the luck in the world x 💐

Yes I have come to realise just how self absorbed some so called friends are , I'm just gradually phasing them out . I've spent hours of my life listening to them , their joys and sorrows but they can't do me the courtesy of listening or even attempting to pretend interested .
They ring now and again for a chat which means over an hour of listening to them talk about themselves. Their family etc etc , they enquire but don't wait for an answer , the chat is over and they have to go .
It used to hurt but now , I just don't care , I don't pick up the phone .
Judy54. You've been a good friend over the years , I get how disappointed you are . Who needs that kind of selfishness .

Hubby has Long Covid, and needs an oxygen machine as h got pneumonia which progressed to P{pulmonary Fibrosis--Dr's said there's no cure, so we bumble on--but some friends, and some family seem to think it shouldn't stop us from participating in coffees, /drinks./meals etc--- they don't "get it" that he is suffering and struggling to breathe, all the time, and is uncomfortable in company. He takes steroids too which means his face and neck are swollen- the man has his pride and people don't get it !! (He is 75) Our holidaying and travelling days out are over, we are ok with it, some others aren't

I agree, that what hurts most is that having supported friends in their hour of need, they don't reciprocate.

I went something similar few years ago my best friend had cancer and that was something she struggled with how her friends disappeared when they knew she was terminal and they said after she was gone they just didn’t know how to cope with it or say. Maybe that’s what is wrong with your friends I know you need them but you will find your genuine friends. When my friend was at the end it was hard to watch but only a few of us were there. But as one of her daughters said well at least mum knows who were her real friends are. Hopefully your not going through the same hugs 🤗

It is absolutely true that some so-called friends will absent themselves very quickly when things go downhill, but I think sometimes people don't know how to cope with the change in circumstances. As you can't do the things you used to do with them they don't know how to approach the new you. However, anyone with anything about them would be able to say something like, "Let me know if I can help in any way, even just to chat."

CountryMouse22

Blossoming

My (as I thought) closest friend dropped me like a hot brick following my brain injury. I never found out why. Another more distant friend told me to ‘f*ck off’ when I told her I had cancer. So I did. I had supported her through many crises.

That's abominable!

totally bizarre.. people are very strange...

Friendships have a natural lifespan. They are seldom going to be 'for life'. We need to build personal resilience. I found that with lock-down and arthritis I was no longer able to go to the gym with a group of friends I had been seeing three times a week for at least eight years. We tried Zoom calls but it was all very unnatural and stilted. Then my son became very ill and I was cooking all of his meals and my husband was delivering them to him as he had to follow a special diet. My friends disapproved of my being at home for so long and on one of our Zoom calls I shared when one of them asked how he was, that I was worried sick about our son. The reaction was a stoney silence. But actually it did me good. I realised that I didn't need them and don't actually care about their company anymore. I have moved on to socialise with a group of local older people who are comfortable to be with and we meet once a week for lunch. They feel like an extended family and we all look out for each other. At the same time I don't expect anything of them nor they of me. My husband has always said "there's you and me and then there is the rest of the world, we don't depend on anyone", We have two grown up children, both married with two children each. We love them all very much and they love us but we expect nothing from them or anyone else. They have turned out to be very generous as we have got older but nothing is expected of them or of anyone else we know. That way you will never be disappointed and then anything good that happens is a bonus.

I don’t have any personal experience of this, it would be very upsetting.
The closest thing like this to happen was our next door neighbour was rushed into hospital for a tooth that wouldn’t stop bleeding and didn’t come home for 18 months as he fought cancer. On the day he was rushed to hospital his son knocked on the door and asked us to help and we were happy to do so. We took the wife to hospital and back and helped in anyway we could. The strange thing was that doing that for 18 months we never saw either son in that entire time. When our neighbour recovered the sons were back to visiting as normal. When their dad had a relapse we were there again and never saw them again until he came out of hospital again. (thankfully he has been cancer free for 10 years). The thing that upset me the most was that their mum was at home on her own all the time, it was quite cruel and heartbreaking really.

Sadly, this appears to be a very common problem. I had it when I was looking after my Grandad, followed by my daughter becoming disabled and finally my Mum. Each time, when I had done my bit, I reconnected but then as my life went on hold again, found that people had disappeared again. Part of the problem is that the care has been quite intense so I have had nothing other than that to discuss which, I suppose, made me a bit boring. I tried to be upbeat and make things sound like funny stories but I guess it wasn't enough for them. It's sad but I know that I am doing the right thing by my family so, sod 'em!

Illness and financial changes are the most common for losing touch with friends. Sometimes its because they just dont know how to handle it and sometimes its because the dont want to be involved in it for various reasons. Its sad and its very unfair. Anyone experiencing this I hope you find some better friends. Anyone that might feel they might have done this then try harder. I've been lucky in that I never had very close friends and most of my social friends are still happy to meet up every now and then.

Yes, yes, yes. We were forgotten, by family as well. The most hurtful was from our parish church. The Church was our second home, we both volunteered abundantly. I especially was on the program to visit the home bound ill and the Hospital, especially the HIV patients. Some volunteers wouldn’t go to that unit. I almost begged for company, visits, etc. my husband had a long lingering illness and I had to be with him 24/7. Little response, but no follow up. Why, who knows. We visited and gave a hand for years. Hurts.