Being abandoned by friends during difficult times

I had heard about people being abandoned by “friends” when they became widows, and was relieved when it didn’t happen to me. Everybody was supportive, and the friend who gave practical help (I had young children) was invaluable. She is still my best friend. We have been through so many experiences, good and bad, together.

Sadly yes, I've experienced something similar. Having felt I'd supported 2 different friends, on many occasions, they both separately, went 'quiet' on me when I became unwell. In fact one became quite horrible!
I read something once, that said something like......."people aren't always in our lives for a lifetime, sometimes it's short, sometimes it's longer, but not everyone is good for you all the time". (Just as we aren't always what someone else may need).
I've come to understand this, which helped me 'put those past friendships to rest'.

I think if we are supporting others who are in need, we just have to do it without expectation of reciprocation...I am working on getting my rewards in heaven. 😉

Reading this thread reminded me of a neighbour who arranged the funeral for a friend whom she had supported through illness. She did the eulogy, naming the few people in the congregation who had made the effort to visit her friend during her long illness and invited them to a posh hotel for a good lunch. Then she said, "The rest of you who have turned up today but offered no support to my friend can just Go Home"!
We are disappointed when friends and relatives do not offer help but perhaps our expectations are too high? Perhaps we need to learn to ask for help.

First of all, REAL true friends will not abandon you in your time of need.

Unfortunately, difficult circumstances do always seem to prove just WHO your friends are. Often times the people you least expect to step up to give you a hand. That is one of life’s miracles.

Many people are repelled by a serious medical issue or illness. (I worked in Trauma Hospital for 20 yrs, I saw this happen all the time.) it makes them face their own mortality. They can’t handle that.

But there’s always support for you. Check out specific support or counseling groups to fit your need. You need to talk.
God bless.
USA Gundy

CountryMouse22

Blossoming

My (as I thought) closest friend dropped me like a hot brick following my brain injury. I never found out why. Another more distant friend told me to ‘f*ck off’ when I told her I had cancer. So I did. I had supported her through many crises.

That's abominable!

I am so grateful for this post, I thought it was just me being sensitive, I am going through a cancer scare and everyone including my family have just vanished. Despite me always being there for every one and I too was told to "*cuk off”

My friend told me it’s because I live too healthy a life style and I just needed to drink some alcohol and chill.

One of my daughters called me an attention seeker even though she had seen the letters and noticed my symptoms. The other has blocked me.
My Zumba teacher has asked me to leave as I could be a liability. ( I didn’t tell her she asked me why I had lost so much weight).
I had biopsy and had to lie to the nurse that someone was picking me up, as they wouldn’t let me go home without someone picking me up and staying with me for 24 hours. I said they were waiting in the car park. I walked home and stayed by myself. I remember it was much the say when my husband was dying.
Iv spend more time crying over these responses than over my health. Wishing you all well.

pinkjj27 and Judy54 and every one else who has unsupportive friends and family, that is very sad. I send you all best wishes. xx

Thank you for your replies and for sharing your stories. Just to address some of the points made: We do have support from newer friends and from our church. We have had a frank conversation with our friends and explained the deterioration in Mr J's health. Unfortunately this was to much information for them, whilst we kept information to a minimum they were able to cope with it. No his illness does not define who he is and we have rarely discussed his health until changes made this necessary. So no we don't go on about it and bore people with chapter and verse. We just want to get on with our lives and feel it is a shame when friends are less than understanding. We do appreciate that it may not be possible for them to see the world through our eyes.

This happened to me in similar circumstances. It seems that some folk cannot cope with serious ill health, and some don’t know how to relate to a bereaved person. Eventually one gets over the hurt, moves on and is in a position to help others. I suppose that’s the only positive outcome: developing empathy when you see it happening to someone else.

Remember one aunt saying of her sister, who had lived with her for most of her life, that she was just attention-seeking while in hospital for an array of problems. None of the family visited. Poorly aunt died a little while later.
People are well weird. And often not very nice, even to their nearest and apparently not dearest.

I think some people become afraid of illness and just do not know what to do or say or how to behave around a person with troubles. So they put their head in the sand and get on with their lives, letting other peoples worries drift completely over their heads.

Shizam
A sad story. Yes, you are correct - ”people are well weird.” Family can be the most disappointing and hurtful sometimes, not just friends.

I know that until someone has experienced something them selves they can't really understand how the other person feels.

I have just had first hand experience of this.

A good friend became very unwell with chronic fatigue and pain some years ago and is still really unwell. I used to think she perhaps wasn't trying hard enough to get well. I missed our friendship as she wasn't able to be a friend in the ways we had known. I got frustrated on occasion but accepted that she was the way she was now and was sympathetic and enjoyed her in her new limited way but I didn't really appreciate or understand what her challenges were.

I recently had a total hip replacement and was unable to move and was totally exhausted and had nausea for about 3 weeks.It was really grim and I sometimes felt quite low. I then all of a sudden understood how it might be for my friend day in day out, year in year out, with being so disabled. I became a lot more compassionate as I now understand. I told her what I had now understood about her situation and she was so grateful to be 'heard'.

A lot of people find illness difficult to be around and feel either inadequate or threatened. Perhaps it shakes their ideas about their own health. Perhaps it makes them feel too vulnerable.

It's sad that friendships can be so fragile

crazyH

In my case, a very good friend of mine lost her husband last year - I visited her several times and rang her a couple of times a week, to the point where I felt I was intruding. I ended the last conversation, saying that if she needed me, she only had to call. From seeing her and her husband almost every week, she has just dropped me like a hot brick. And I don’t know why. She has a very supportive family and good neighbours. In know she’s ok . but …..

After being widowed, I needed to be left alone, to lick my wounds as it were.
It’s still early days for your friend and it is a very strange time.
I wouldn’t take this personally as she may have similar feelings, feels vulnerable and is not ready to socialise.
As you say, you know she’s ok and hopefully she hasn’t “dropped you like a hot brick” but is just keeping to herself until she feels able to carry on as before.

Judy54 I am not surprised to hear it and I’m afraid I have no advice except to treasure the friends who stay constant. I can count mine on one hand or even four fingers. I mean the ones close enough in distance to be in physical contact, not counting relations too far away to visit or internet friends.

Something terrible happened to one of my children age 10 and I was shocked at the reaction of people who had been friends, and even relations, and known my children all their lives and never asked how any of us were coping. I had heard of people crossing the road to avoid having to talk to bereaved people and that was just what happened to us. It was as if my child was at fault, or we were, or had died, which thankfully was not the case, just scarred for life. Of course I have gained friends since then over the decades but I tend to keep people, all but a few, at arm’s length as a result.

Being widowed is a good test of friendship and in- law family.

Friends as a couple, tend to drift away and the in laws did too, as though I was never married to their brother. They were hunky dory when my husband was alive. One brother has never been in touch, another was in touch to quiz me about cause of death, in case it affected him via genetics. Empathy is clearly lacking in many people

Thank goodness I have a very loving, communicative, helpful and caring immediate family, AC, 5 siblings, dgc

Judy54, it all sounds so familiar to me. It's a time when you find out who your friends really are - and who to drop for good.

One friend (not close, back then) sat in the garden and had a quiet word with me. She admitted that she felt useless, embarrassed, alarmed and somewhat frightened by the changes in DH's appearance and behaviour - so asked what she could/should do to help.

I wanted her to just be her usual self, pop in for tea and be company for me, chat and be cheerful - that would help. I was so glad she took the time to ask (rather than steer clear) - and we're very good friends 25 years on.

It is really hard when friends, especially lifelong friends, just drop away when things go wrong.
I can’t imagine ever doing that to anyone, but a friend for over 60 years just dropped me like the proverbial brick when ill health hit my family.
It’s not easy making friends in later life, but am grateful that I have made a couple of new friends. Also joined U3A which gets me out and about. I no longer waste thinking time on my old friend, it’s her loss.

Minerva so sorry.

Reading these posts makes me feel quite sad. Why would anyone drop a friend because they’re suffering bad health? What an indictment of the human race.
I have two friends, well one’snot even really a friend, she’s someone I know, who have been suffering cancer this last year, and I’ve been visiting and listening and trying to support them. I’m not polishing my halo, it’s just the natural reaction in my opinion.

for judy and everyone else who’s suffering.

We just want to get on with our lives and feel it is a shame when friends are less than understanding. We do appreciate that it may not be possible for them to see the world through our eyes

Your desire to get on with your lives as they are now is entirely appropriate and the best approach. Friends don't need to see the world through your eyes but they are perfectly able to see what is possible in your present world and adapt to that! True friends will do that

I struggle to excuse people because "they can't face it" or "they don't know what to say!" etc etc. If that is the case it is their problem and frankly they need to do something about their problem and grow up!! Sometimes I think we excuse too much!

I hope you can find enjoyment in life now with those of your friends who are able to enjoy it with you by adapting, observing, asking, listening, thinking rather than running away or just being too selfish!

It's called ghosting and happened to me when I was ill. Very upsetting. It certainly shows you who your real friends are. 💐

pinkjj27 it’s like some people think it’s catching or something.

Yes Blossoming. Some people seem to think that illness is something that happens to other people.
I wouldn't be bothered by friends distancing themselves. I've never really been one for friends but I find it hard to forgive my sister for abandoning our brother and sister-in-law when they were closing their son to cancer.
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