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Should I just scatter the ashes anyway?

(173 Posts)
Witzend Sun 09-Jul-23 08:31:35

My mother’s ashes have been here since she died at 97 in 2015 - my father died long before and until recently my brother had kept his ashes, but a few months ago he brought them here.

One other sibling lives in the US and doesn’t mind what we do with them. Nor does the one who’s kept DF’s for ages.

The other (who lives a long drive away and is unlikely to travel far for the foreseeable because her dh is frail) has never been able to agree on Where, and the suggestions she has made are simply not practical.

I’ve got a good mind to go and scatter them together, in a nearby woodland garden that is never likely to be built on, since it’s within a Royal Park.

Strictly not allowed, I know, but if I go late evening nobody’s likely to see anyway, and I’d find somewhere in the midst of dense shrubbery (of which there is masses) not just anywhere.

It’s surely time?? I’m fed up with asking eldest sibling what she thinks, only to end up (again) with no practical suggestion.

We’re all aged 69 to 79 so if we don’t do something soon…

Sennelier1 Tue 11-Jul-23 17:50:07

Go and do what your heart tells you to do ❤️ Make it a special moment, to remember and reminiscence. If you can take a partner or close friend with you, but if not go alone. Take your time. Your só right to not wait any longer ❤️‍🩹

Chardy Tue 11-Jul-23 18:38:24

Chardy

scattering-ashes.co.uk/general/cremation-ashes-chemicalcompostion/
Phosphate 47.5%
Calcium 25.3%
Sulfate 11.00%
Potassium3.69%
Sodium 1.12%
Chloride 1.00% etc
Expert Harry Boyter says
I would not eat it or snort it, but otherwise, except for high calcium and phosphate, you might think it was just high phosphate dirt without the carbon.

I thought phosphates were good for the garden and were used in fertiliser.

Human ashes can be scattered anywhere (landowner permission required for private land) except the Royal Parks, who've come up with some rigmarole that it's bad, without saying which bit of the content is bad.

Chardy Tue 11-Jul-23 18:41:30

Hetty58

I bet the 'do anything you want' brigade would think again if others just chucked the human bonemeal all over their land. Still, it's all just as expected from the entitled, antisocial, environmentally unfriendly folk - any rules don't apply to them.

Do tell which posters are entitled, anti-social, environmentally unfriendly folk.

Callistemon21 Tue 11-Jul-23 18:49:03

Chardy

Hetty58

I bet the 'do anything you want' brigade would think again if others just chucked the human bonemeal all over their land. Still, it's all just as expected from the entitled, antisocial, environmentally unfriendly folk - any rules don't apply to them.

Do tell which posters are entitled, anti-social, environmentally unfriendly folk.

Really, it can't be that different from fertilisers produced from animals.

Examples of organic fertilisers include: seaweed, hoof & horn, dried blood, fish blood and bone, bone meal.

Not to mention manure from cows, horses, chickens and bio-solids from humans.

Lathyrus Tue 11-Jul-23 19:15:18

If you look at fertiliser packets you’ll see that the recommended application is around 75g per square metre.

Human ashes are 3-4 kilos.

If you dumped 3kilos of fertiliser in one go on your veg patch you’d kill everything. Any gardener will tell you that. That’s why fertiliser carries a warning not to overdo it.

And of course commercial fertiliser doesn’t have a high salt content either. Put some on a snail and see what happens.

It’s such a simple easy thing to just not scatter the ashes where wildlife will be affected. I genuinely don’t understand why people don’t say “Oh I didn’t know. Of course I wouldn’t want to cause harm.”

Callistemon21 Tue 11-Jul-23 19:40:24

I wouldn't do it.

But I was pointing out that 'chucking bonemeal' all over the land happens daily.

Lathyrus Tue 11-Jul-23 19:51:58

Oh yes but when people talk about “scattering” ashes they don’t generally do it over half an acre in the rain, which is what I reckon it would need to be.

Lathyrus Tue 11-Jul-23 19:55:18

And then for nobody else to do it for four to six weeks.

If we’re talking about ashes as fertiliser.

Which is why popular places like Great Orm have had to say no.

Just too many ashes🙁

Jools22 Tue 11-Jul-23 20:56:11

Our parents ashes, they died at different times, were placed in small wooden boxes by the funeral director and we all went to a very small church that the family have been christened and married at. They were buried there, no vicar , just a few members of family, less than a dozen, the director said a few words then buried them. Flat stone saying who they are. My wife and I have the same plans. There is a bench there and it can be quite nice to sit and remember the good times. Do what’s best for you.

Grannynannywanny Tue 11-Jul-23 21:22:59

I recently scattered the ashes of a loved ( on private farmland owned by the family) The ashes were returned to me a few days after the funeral in a biodegradable cardboard scatter tube approx 9x3 inches. The total weight was less than 1kg. Over the past 20 years I’ve been involved in scattering ashes of 4 family members and all were no more than a kilo in weight.

Grannynannywanny Tue 11-Jul-23 21:24:58

*loved one

Lathyrus Tue 11-Jul-23 21:45:08

Are you a very small family?

Human ashes generally weigh between 6 and 4 pounds.

The upper being male and the lower female.

Grannynannywanny Tue 11-Jul-23 21:56:18

Are you a very small family?

Average sized adults.

Lathyrus Tue 11-Jul-23 22:02:09

Oh. Well that’s what human ashes weigh.

NotSpaghetti Wed 12-Jul-23 06:48:39

I was told similar figures to Lathyrus by a funeral director.

I remember someone years ago saying it was fitting that our ashes weigh the same as a newborn.

Anyway, I've just looked it up - 3.5% on average of an adult's bodyweight - though this is dependent on bone not fat!
So roughly 5lbs if you are 10 st.

NotSpaghetti Wed 12-Jul-23 06:50:19

I suppose as cremators improve there may be less bones left for grinding.. then there will be less remains to dispose of?

Lathyrus Wed 12-Jul-23 08:54:52

NotSpaghetti

I suppose as cremators improve there may be less bones left for grinding.. then there will be less remains to dispose of?

What’s left are the solid chemical elements whether they’re ground or not.

Blondiescot Wed 12-Jul-23 09:13:04

Well, it's my MiL's funeral next week and once we get her ashes back, they'll be getting scattered in the same place as her daughter's were, in a place which holds very happy family memories.

Nitpick48 Wed 12-Jul-23 10:16:05

I’ve just googled human ashes, wildlife and I’ve found something I didn’t know! Human ashes contain so much sodium (salt) that it is toxic to plants! Well, you learn something new every day.

NotSpaghetti Wed 12-Jul-23 10:55:02

So presumably Lathyrus they can't be reduced anymore?
Thanks.
Interesting. (And obvious if I think about it!)
grin

aggie Wed 12-Jul-23 10:59:29

Any one I have heard of locally bury the ashes in a small wooden box in a corner of the family grave , this seems more respectful to me , but obviously it’s up to you if you prefer to scatter the ashes

StillNotGinger Wed 12-Jul-23 17:35:06

Sounds like the way to do it best would be to use the technique in The Great Escape, for dispersing the soil from their tunnelling. Holes in trouser pockets, a gradual dribble as you walk your favourite wild path.