Mistakes you may have made.

You should not be burdened with worries about your house. While you have relatives living there its important you talk to them. You need to make it clear you would like them to contribute to the house hold. If they are not doing so already both financially and practically.
If the discussion occurs you could also ask them both of their future plans. If they agree to contributing you might feel more comfortable with the arrangement. Therefore less inclined to move to other accommodation.

Hello annsixty, good to hear from you. I’m sorry but not surprised you’re feeling tired. Give yourself a break, you didn’t make mistakes, life happened and you did what felt right at the time.
Do you have a close friend or relative to support you in the next phase? It feels .like time to find the one or two bed apartment that you can make your own. Put your house on the market, get the ball rolling x

Sounds nice, but why perish the thought?

(I vary between what you describe and the one that might better meet personal need in thinking ‘next’) … why judgements?

Because living in a community that is only for older people doesn't interest me.

Also, at 68 and in good health at present, I don't want to be paying for services that I have no need of e.g. resident warden, call alarm, communal facilities, etc.

These properties are harder to sell as they can only be lived in by the over 55s or whatever, so the pool of potential buyers is much reduced.

Service charges apply to ordinary flats and have to be paid when you die until your relatives sell/rent it, but an ordinary flat would just go on the open market either for sale or rent.

Be honest and straightforward but don't give them the choice. This is the nub Ann I think.
Once you've had a valuation with a plan to actually sell after (say Christmas) I think you will see a future in the making.

We all make choices based on the information (and strength) we have at the time. Don't punish yourself for decisions made in the past. Start to plan your "get out" and it will lift your spirits I'm sure.

Do make sure that 'getting out' is what you really want, though.

You didn’t make a mistake ann, you made the best decisions you could at the time. At the moment you’re exhausted, perhaps worried your home isn’t as you’d want it to be. It all seems too much.

Lots of suggestions here. Let yourself recover a bit from being away from home and have space to think through what would make staying put feel less of a burden.

My guess is your family have no idea how much you’re struggling. Could you ask your ‘lodgers’ to not only contribute more financially but to take some of the responsibility away from you? Let them organise a bit. I know cleaners aren’t the same as doing it ourselves, we’ve just begun to have cleaning help through an agency and I’m learning to appreciate what they do - a huge amount - rather than focus on what they don’t.

Rest a bit, recover some strength. There will be positives to sharing your home as well as the worries which seem overwhelming just now. You’ll find a way through once you feel a little stronger. A hug from me.

No I don’t think you made a mistake Ann. I would take a few days to recover and then work out what you really want.
I too am sending you a hug.

Very sympathetic as regards your situation, Ann, but you made your decisions with all the best intentions. As regards your "lodgers", why not just quietly sit down with them, and calmly explain how you're feeling about your current lifestyle, and how stressful you're finding it? Perhaps you could discuss some alternatives, which, as has already been mentioned, might even involve selling up and moving to somewhere which is more maintenance and upkeep friendly. They may even be able to help you finance that, both in the short and the longer term. Whatever the outcome, I would urge you to do what feels right for you. It's your life, and you're not your DGD's or DS's carer. If anything, they should be caring for you.

I divorced when my dcs were late teenagers. When I met my now dh they had left home.
My dcs are now in their 40s , and myself and now dh moved about 15 years ago to an area we love.
However, dcs are now parents and busy lives so I don't see them as often as I'd like or if had remained in the area.

@annesixty
Apologies for my post. I read it as asking us our regrets !

Witzend - perfect response! Kids, no matter what age can be so self-centered that they forget mom is 86!

Time to move on! The sooner the better. Adult children need to grab ahold of themselves and get a new life. If I can do it and you or anyone else can do it - they can do it too.

annsixty - call the realtor and arrange for a moving truck. If kids don’t help you transition you might have to pay someone to clean out, clear out and pack up.

It’s going to be alright. You’ll see.
USA Gundy

I haven’t read the whole thread, but Wyllow gives the same advice I would give. My own mother sold up and moved into a sheltered apartment very near to us. It was the best thing she ever did for her final years after dad died. She loved it. It was small but she had a cleaner and I took her shopping weekly. She made friends at the apartments and joined in lots of the social events. Covid came along and stopped that but nonetheless she was happy in her flat until she had falls and had to move into a care home. You’re younger than she was when she first moved into the flats but I would say don’t leave it too late.

I am wondering if your family members might suffer from mental health difficulties which makes it difficult for them to help as much as they could/should? I know when clinical depression hits me, it is so severe I am immobilised and unable to function or think positive in any way at all. However everything is understandably too much for you and as a very loving person you are putting the needs of your relatives before your own needs. No wonder you are feeling tired and down. My experience of depression is that it makes me horribly self absorbed, that being a very unwelcome aspect of depression. I am not unaware of others needs yet I don't have the energy to help them. It maybe that if MH is the issue family member/could/should seek help from GP/community mental health team. This might help them to sit down with you and hear about your needs and confront the need to move on and enable you to downsize when you are ready. Could you meantime spend time with friends who do not drain you as seems to have happened when you went away for a few days? Thinking of you and hoping for the best for you.

Please don’t think you made a mistake OP, you made a decision that was right at the time. But things change and you, as you say, have some other decisions to make. I think you’re maybe feeling low at the moment because the trip away wasn’t so good. Take a day or two, have a think and try to work out what’s best. You sound so lovely and caring and I know you’ll want what’s best for all of you, but I think it’s time to put yourself first. Take care and good luck.

Selling your house and moving to a flat will be best for you. It will also help the other two. They need to stand up for themselves. Good luck. It is worth it.

IDo you have any other family who could help?

Just wishing you strength to do what needs done, ann. Too much on one's plate is hard. Take care of you. The young one can shift for themselves.

Please take care of yourself. You have been through a lot.9

Give them reasonable notice that you are planning on selling the house and moving to somewhere smaller because you cannot cope, be honest with them rather than trying to protect their feelings - they may be your relatives but they are not your responsibility, given they are grown adults, mental health issues or not. Many of us, me included, have mental health issues - it is not an excuse and you should not let it become one. Good luck annsixty and I hope you can resolve your problem x

Baggs

Just wishing you strength to do what needs done, ann. Too much on one's plate is hard. Take care of you. The young one can shift for themselves.

Agree.
AnnSixty for what it’s worth I think you have done the right thing.You just need to do less and delegate more.They clearly need your help and a home to live in but can do something to help around the house and garden.

You are contemplating some major changes AnnSixty but at a time when on your own admission you are feeling low. Why not have a conversation with the other 2 and see if a more satisfactory way forward can be reached without major upheaval. Why can they not make a more meaningful contribution to the running of the house? Practical or financial or both?
It's not a good time to be selling houses at the moment either so you could find yourself in the middle of a lot of unhappiness but still stuck in your house.
Family ties are important but they should be pulling their weight not somehow forcing you into an all or nothing situation.

annsixty, from your comment:

'I do not feel strong enough mentally to make drastic changes but must do something, anything, to make my life easier and less stressful.'

- looks incompatible with moving house right now. You say your DGD and S can't move on at the moment either.

You could divide the house into separate areas for each person - not physically with walls/doors - but each of you could occupy some rooms and take responsibility for them - keeping out of others - with perhaps a shared living room. That way, you're only responsible for your part.

You could also divide tasks e.g. your son could hoover and clean the floors, your DGD could shop and cook. I assume they pay 'rent', probably not much, so it's only fair that they work in the house as well. Still, keep trying to find a cleaner.

My neighbour always had student au-pairs when her son was growing up. When he left, she continued that arrangement, now calling them 'housekeepers', yet still for a small 'wage', a room and food. Perhaps that might suit you?

Service charges have been mentioned several times.
This info might be of help to someone.
You can get service charges paid if you are on pension credit.
Several years ago I discovered this while sorting out a friends finances.

Don’t beat yourself up for decisions you have made in the past when you’ve been suffering from grief and possibly depression. It can’t be changed ….it’s done and it’s in the past.

It may turn out a blessing to have your son and granddaughter with you because once you have come to a decision that selling your house and moving to a new home which is far more suitable for your age and stage in life……and they realize that you are serious and you are going to do this…..then they are there on the spot alongside you to help you edit your your possessions and to give you support for the move.

But the first step is for you to believe that you want to do this and that you deserve to make this choice and then brighter days for you will be ahead for you.

I think Hetty58's idea about each having your own areas and tasks is very good. Where I live there is a scheme where people (often without their own garden) look after someone's garden and grow fruit & veg etc, perhaps there is something similar where you live?