Feeling overwhelmed

That's a lot to be dealing with all in one go, no wonder you're feeling swamped.
Advice already given is great and I have nothing to add but a hug, and permission to sit down for five minutes with a cup of tea.

farview sending you a (((hug))) please tell your children how you are feeling.
Can you speak to your GP regarding your DH, maybe some resident respite care for him would give you a chance to recharge your batteries.

Losing a dear friend is an extra pull on your heart strings 😘

Farview, you are overwhelmed because you are exhausted. You have received bad news about people close to you, are living with an ill, demanding and mean husband, are used to doing the lion's share of running the household and doing D.I.Y; yesterday did two hours dog-walking, a supermarket shop, batch cooking, hoovered the entire house, and fed and entertained three/four grandchildren. Your house and its situation clearly are important to you, but there are other people who could do much more to help. Your husband should pay for a cleaner and window-cleaner and some care; your grandson could help with dog-walking and cleaning, and your adult children could start finding out about help available for you and your husband.
That said, I am aware it is much easier said than done; help is available but accessing it is difficult and time consuming; trying to persuade your husband to fund help will be difficult, (memories of same with my father) and your adult children probably have no idea how exhausted you are.
You do need to call some sort of conference and ask for help; you are doing far too much and being taken totally for granted.
Sorry; this is not for your fault; you clearly have high standards and I think your family is taking advantage,

Who wouldn't feel overwhelmed with so much to cope with Farview.

You need to talk to your family about how you're feeling. Depending on his age of course, does the GS who lives with you help by walking the dog and helping out with dirty dishes for example?

As much as I'm sure you enjoy having your GC, is that getting too much for you in too of everything else?

It does sound as if you need some practical help, even if that's as simple as lightening the load a little .

H won't spend money
Has he always been like that or is it part of the Alzheimer's?
You need to speak to your adult child(ren) about your practical difficulties. Including about your husband's penny pinching.

It seems that more & more is being piled on you and you can't be expected to cope with it all alone.
{{{hugs}}}

I can only agree with the others Farview. My practical hat says do try and get some help, even if it is a firm that do a one off clean through and yes you will feel better for a hairdo. Very sorry to hear about the loss of a good friend and family news. Do tell the AC exactly what is going on. Take care

Hi Farview.. it's little wonder you feel so lost,, you have been ovewhelmed with grief and anxiety.. I would break this whole situation down and try to cope with one thing at a time;
Your husband.. can you contact Age Uk and ask them to help with claiming Carers Allowance and also see what else they can offer.

Your house.. get a window cleaner,, and possibly a cleaner

Your SH and deceased friend.. you must give yourself the time and space to grieve.. this really will hit hard and it needs to be respected. try to find ways of healing yourself with reflective time and treats.. ie beauty treatments, hairdresser, friends, U3A, theatre etc maybe talk to a counsellor or spiritual leader.

Your Husband.. can you arrange some sort of respite.. with a carer.. or maybe daycare in a centre, or longer at a respite centre.. or a rota with your family so that you can have some proper time away from your home.

GC is it time to discuss with your Children doing less childcare? At least tell everyone how exhausted you are.

Finances.. can you reach an agreement maybe via the whole
family about releasing money to have essential repairs done to the house, if your husband is being so intransigent..

Reach out to as many people as you can for help especially your GP.. and keep talking to GN somany helpful,compassionate responses.. I send you many good wishes

When a good friend’s husband had Parkinson’s, they joined the local Parkinson’s support group and began to take annual holidays with them. Activities were encouraged and arranged on a weekly basis for said husband which gave my friend a break and helped make life more enjoyable for both of them. Friend then made good contacts with other families in this group and still takes annual holiday with them as a widow.
I don’t know if you have any such group devoted to Alzheimer’s near you but thought to mention it.

You’ve certainly got too much on your plate, but I think you will cope better if you take over the finances, and get a few things seen to

I agree with Sara1954, that you should take over the finances and get the house fixed at least. As you say your DH has Alzheimers/vascular dementia, he may not be making rational decisions.

If your husband wont spend money, do you have access to any?

Is he able to make financial decisions anyway?
Ask your children what to do about the pointing and getting the house warm for the winter and explain about the money situationwith their dad... They may be able to help work these problems out if your husband won't (or can't) address them.

It is hard now - but if you tell those who love you I think they will help you.

farview I felt tired just reading your post.. think you are being taken advantage of… as others have suggested get some house help and sit down and let family know how you are not coping… my sympathies on your recent loss🙏

Without wishing to be intrusive does your DH have to OK all your domestic spending?
You are 5 years younger than me and if I wanted or needed a cleaner, windows washed or whatever, I just did it.
It occurs to me that you might need to consider POA for your DH if it is not too late already with Vascular Dementia.
Wishing you well and I hope perhaps your AC can support you in this

I’m so sorry you’re so down, farview.

You say your dh ‘won’t spend money’ - do you not have access to sufficient funds? You certainly should if he is suffering from dementia. Assuming that you do, then frankly I’d arrange for jobs to be done without consulting him - and if he kicks off, let him. Tell him firmly that these things absolutely do need to be done, and you can no longer manage them.

As for having and feeding grandchildren (apart from the one who’s living with you) given what a lot you’ve got on your plate, IMO you should tell the family nicely but firmly that you’re exhausted, and you simply can’t do it any more - not on a regular basis anyway.

It’s high time you put yourself first. If you had a breakdown, who would look after your dh and everything else? When you’ve previously always been strong and coped with everything, family members do tend to expect you to carry on doing it, even when you’re no longer anything like young or even middle aged.
Time to put them straight.

Thank you all for your replies and advice...re my cocker spaniel who I've had for 4months...I couldn't/wouldn't be without her...I walk out of the door and over the moors with her and she is so good for me...I'd be lost without her now.
H ..still goes out by himself, walks,goes to the shop etc...his short term memory is gone...but the strong minded man that he always was is still there..he isn't a stage yet re carers,day centres...he wont take medication so memory clinic have discharged him...
I have very good friends but have told them I'm not piling all my woes on them..I want to chat and laugh with them but they're there if I need to cry...
Two children live overseas..one works mainly overseas but lives here..one is immersed in his own crisis atm...
GS who lives here works in Ireland and gets two days home in every fourteen..and then sees his fiancee..
I dont have money of my own and get a reduced pension as I was a stay at home mum as H worked all over the world in the.oil industry...
I've taken on board a lot of what you have all said..and will try to slow down a little...obviously my sadness re our dear friend and the prognosis for b.i.l is taking its toll..
Earlier..I made a sort of rota..not strict...re household jobs that I was doing every single day...no more...was wearing myself out physically and definitely mentally...and have pinned up on my freezer the poem ' dust if you must'...and wickedly I know...have got a chap coming ro give us a quote on some jobs that need doing..shall tell H we had talked about it and agreed 🙈...have also applied for LP A forms...on their way now..but seems they're taking approximately 20 weeks to process..
Again..thank you all and I shall be rereading all the posts 💐

I am sorry that life has piled so much on you all at once. I hope that some of the suggestions on here will help you.

My late OH has dementias due to PD and I know how stressful it can be. I made sure, as you are, that there were times in the day when I had a break if I could and your walks on the moors sound essential - I am glad you have lovely views to lift your spirits. I too live with a beautiful view which helps so much when life gets on top of me.

It sounds like you are trying hard to make things easier. That is good. I think getting some of the jobs done that are worrying you will feel good too -even if a "white lie" is involved.
It is much better to have the work done if you possibly can than to become ill yourself with worry and overwork. As someone said above, that won't help anyone.

The sadness re your friend will have undoubtedly knocked you back too - and the news regarding your brother-in-law is taking its toll emotionally as you say. No wonder you feel low. Everything seems to have come st once.

Good though that you have found you can cut back a bit on your "daily" jobs. After all, how many jobs really need attention every day. And so nice to blow the worries away for a while with your lovely dog - having a legitimate "excuse" for walks is a bonus in times of stress.

Try, when you feel a little stronger, to address the "keeping warm" issue for the winter... I think you need to keep warm if you possibly can or everything will start to feel too much again. Being cold and exhausted is not good news.

Thank you for coming back and explaining a bit more.

I know your children aren't living nearby but can you still discuss the warmth issue with them? They know you, your home, and how you live - and may have some good ideas.

Thinking of you and your little friend 🐾

Sending a gentle hug 🤗 farview x

I am so sorry, you certainly have got a burden to shoulder but you have already started taking action which is good, and you have friends to have some light relief with, which is important, and most of all, your dog walking over the moors.

I hope the Power of Attorney comes through quickly, then you can make financial decisions about essential jobs to be done, and include a cleaner in that, also a hairdresser.
(ps. tell the grandson to do his own washing, and clean some windows while he is waiting for the cycle to finish.)

Control of money is very important to some men, especially as they lose control of other things. My BIL had Parkinsons and eventually his wife began to pay the bills. He did not like this and insisted on opening all the post. My SIL showed them to him and then put in a drawer, ready for payment. Invariably he would take them out of the drawer and either hide them or destroy them.

Fairview if you are a signatory on the bank account(s) do you need to ask your DH about any work done?

As others have said you should discuss this with your family because they may not be aware of the state of his health, or want to recognise it.

Finally, please ignore the comments about re-homing your dog. He or she will be the one constant comfort in your life and will be there when you need him/her.

I'm sorry about the loss of your close friend That can be very hard indeed. A mental hug from me goes to you.

I dont have money of my own and get a reduced pension as I was a stay at home mum as H worked all over the world in the.oil industry ...

I don't know if you have a joint bank account (as well as your own!) or if your DH has always taken charge of the household expenses farview, but it sounds as if you need to have a joint bank account for household bills, maintenance, perhaps a cleaner too, and apply for POA at some stage.

You sound as if you want to keep everyone happy, which is lovely, but you mustn't do that at the expense of your own health and happiness.

Finally, please ignore the comments about re-homing your dog. He or she will be the one constant comfort in your life and will be there when you need him/her.
Phew, I'm glad you said that Dinahmo! I know its not for everyone, but a dog is great company, a comfort, makes you smile, makes you exercise, lowers blood pressure, improves mood etc.

My cheeky,loving, gorgeous cocker spaniel is definitely a comfort..shes so lovely and gentle..with adults and children alike...as I'm typing this...she is lay with her head on my knee...belly up for a stroke...calms me...obviously the problems are still there...but shes my 'space'..

My girl..

She is lovely!

Yes, Farview, in your situation your lovely dog is a comfort, and the need to take her for walks is a chance for you to get away from your situation, clear your mind & recharge your batteries, a definite positive. And a dog can make you laugh when nothing much else can. She’s gorgeous!

Sending you best wishes x