Feeling overwhelmed

Just sending you a hug. There's loads of good ideas for you to think about in other posts.

farview

My girl..

I only wondered if the dog had been foisted on you and was one more thing to worry about farview, with all that you have to cope with.

But she's lovely and yes, they are calming and great companions.

So much thoughtful and helpful advice Farview, I have nothing to add, but send my best wishes to you and hope your days become a little easier 💐💐.
Your ‘girl’ is gorgeous!

I am so sorry to read about what you are coping with. One of these things on their own would be bad enough but, happening all at once, it is not surprising that you are feeling overwhelmed. First, you are suffering from a form of grief. Your husband is still physically alive, but he is no longer the same man that you have been married to for all these years. Is there any respite care in your area? Even if you have to pay for it, it would give you some much needed time to yourself to do something for yourself. Could be afford a cleaner? Even if it was only every other week it would take some of the pressure off. Surely your grandson could help out with dog walking, too. The rest of your family need to be much more proactive too. You cannot be expected to cope with everything in the way you always have without help. Finally, your age. At seventy you are no longer young. We look back at our parents or grandparents and we look and behave in a far younger manner than they did - my grandparents were definitely old by seventy - but the fact is that our bodies still slow down and we are not physically capable of doing the amount of things that we took for granted at thirty or forty. You need to look after yourself so that you can look after your husband.

Fairview your girl looks lovely.

I’ve just found your thread farview and I’m so sorry to hear what has been going on recently with you. My goodness it’s no wonder you feel so overwhelmed - absolutely anyone would.

So much good advice on here already, especially about getting help with the essential house maintenance jobs.
Good advice too to sort out your finances so that you can pay for anything without running it past your husband first!

I hope your dog continue to bring joy into your life.

Please keep in touch.

My circumstances similar but workload not as onerous as yours. When OH had a stoke on top of other ailments I was recommended to register as a carer. I was concerned if anything happened to me no one would know to visit and prep meals, meds etc. I registered, no allowance included, but have a carers card with numbers for people to call. A huge surprise was an annual payment to help with any tasks or anything that would make life easier for me. They can arrange a sitter for him if you need to get out alone. The Alzheimer’s organisation should point you in the right direction. I know it’s hard, get the help as it’s out there.

kittylester

I am sorry things are overwhelming, farview.

Lots of good advice re telling your family but can I ask if you have had contact with AgeUk, Alzheimer's Society, Social Services.

Can you 'buy in' help - cleaning, windows, painting etc. Have you done a benefits check - AgeUk can help qith that as can CAB.

Please don't struggle alone.

Yes, just what I was going to write - there are a lot of organisations out there who should be helping you.
And you mentioned that your husband wouldn't spend money. I'm sure that you you should be entitled to a Power of Attorney. The CAB or Social Services will give you the information on how to go about it.
And as someone said, I think, you really need to let your family know that it's time the table were turned; they should be supporting you, - doesn't mean you stop helping your family but they MUST reciprocate!!!!

An afterthought ...does your GP know what a struggle you're having? Make sure they do .

If nothing else, pick up the phone and pour out your feelings to Age UK or other similar group. See below.

Alzheimer's Society's Dementia Connect support line on 0333 150 3456. Age UK Advice Line on 0800 678 1602 (free) Independent Age Helpline on 0800 319 6789 (free)

with sympathy x

Farview, I am going through exactly the same. Dh has had chronic fatigue syndrome for over 20 years, he now also has COPD and emphysema. I have been unable to get him to leave house since covid. My dear friend was diagnosed with blood cancer last year that no one was expecting. She was so ill at beginning of this year and we thought we were going to lose her. I went every afternoon to sit with her, but glad to say she has picked up after stopping chemo. However she still expects me to go, but I can't go everyday due to my husband also I am going through tests. I am absolutely shattered.

I;m so sorry to hear this. My mother had vascular dementia so I know what it's like. I would say you MUST arrange a family conference and tell everyone how you are feeling, and ask for help. You can't keep running on empty that's for sure! Wishing you all the best x

Don’t apologise for your confusion and misery ….my husband had full-on stroke at 50…..I had to look after him ( alone) and work a30 hour week ( to keep the house) .
Then about 5 years ago he started with vascular dementia and 3 years ago Alzheimers kicked in with possible Lewy Bodies….I had my third stroke 18 months ago and my daughter said ‘enough is enough’ and my husband is now in care full time. I’ve been nursing/doctoring him for 25 years!
The house is empty and I have my life back….what’s left of it …I’m 72!
My health has spiralled downwards since I’ve stopped the ‘caring’ and the overload has finially caught up with me.
Time for someone to tell you “ enoughs , enough”

Sorry, I haven't time to read all the posts but some have given good advice. I think you should get a Carer's Assessment done by Adult Social Services who can help you adjust to your new normal and they will look at YOUR needs. They are excellent at talking to people with Dementia so you might find that they can make your husband see sense rather than you having to fight the fight and they won't insist on anything as they are not like children's Social Services.
As for things like pointing, etc., point out to your husband that if you are trying to achieve the unachievable you will get ill and he'll end up paying more for care than getting a bit of work done on the house.

Have you been advised to claim attendance allowance for your husband. According to the Government web site, if he has reached State Pension age. need care or supervision because he has an illness or disability. has needed care or supervision for at least 6 months because of his illness or disability he could be eligible for this allowance. Age UK or CAB advisers would help you to fill in the form.
Has he had an assessment by Adult Services? There may be support available that you don't yet know about. In other words - leave no stone unturned.

You need to chat this over with family and get some help and support from them, too much to deal with that and grandchildren maybe

Oh farview. I’m the same age as you and I was in tears last night because I feel I can no longer cope with maintaining my house and occasionally looking after my grandchildren. I don’t know how you can possibly cope with so much

Sorry but you and your DH come first.
Grandchildren should be visiting with parent/s not being left for you to care for - who is caring for you?
Grandchildren must have other relatives or maybe nursery/Childminder/Nanny needed by their parents!
Does DGS help out at your house where he lives? If not he should be.
Get window cleaner if money allows.
Can you claim any benefits to be carer for DH? Then pay a cleaner.
Can local authority / social services help with taking DH to day centre lance a week and pick up and drop him back ?
Can you explore respite care for DH - a weekend or week to give you a break?
Can your Gp help / advise you?
You need support or you will be poorly !
Look after yourself…sending Love xxx

Hello Farview I feel your pain. I thought I was reading about myself until I read your DGS lives with you. My DH was diagnosed last year with Vascular Dementia, he’s 74 and I’m 67. He’s obviously had it for about 3/4 years but I just thought he was turning into a nasty old man. We moved 2 years ago and we haven’t finished doing our property up, it’s awful, I’m still living surrounded by boxes in the bedrooms and hall. My DH is the same if I say I want to start decorating, I want to get a painter in, he’s not agreeable because he used to be a painter & decorator up until 10 years ago. He couldn’t manage now but due to his dementia he gets aggressive! The garden is an awful mess but again he won’t let me get a gardener even though he’s not capable of doing what needs doing, same as a window cleaner etc. I’ve been very depressed for the past two years and in particular this year as I’ve lost my little dog also my beloved younger brother unexpectedly and got Covid and now long Covid! Meanwhile I try to make sure husbands life is as unaffected as possible because otherwise he ‘flips’ and can’t cope! I feel an absolute mess re hair, skin, weight etc. a couple of weeks ago I bit the bullet and got a cleaner to start, didn’t tell him until that day when she arrived, my DH is capable still of walking the rescue dog we got in March so I sent them for a walk and kept telling him after she’d gone how much it felt cleaner indoors! Basically it’s non negotiable having a cleaner now even if she did have to clean around the boxes as I’m disabled and cannot cope with too much housework anymore. I’ve booked to have a pedicure next week and have looked online for an art class for DH and am encouraging him to go. Please don’t forget we NEED space when caring and living 24/7 for someone with V.Dementia. I’ve gone to the doctors (alone) and told her I’m having trouble coping with him (and his moods and nighttime hallucinations) he’s now on melatonin tablets for nighttime, they were a miracle tablet for DH but obviously will stop working one day but he was keeping me awake and I definitely can’t cope on little sleep. The Doctor got in touch with Carers association and I’ve had a bit of support from them. There is support out there if you want it. Can your DGC or son or daughter not stay with your DS for a few hours so you can get your hair done? I often go and upstairs and lay down for a couple of hours in the afternoon and read so that I can be alone while DH watches TV downstairs. I feel like I’m living with someone I don’t know and wouldn’t of married if I’d met him nowadays. We’ve got nothing in common and it’s a lonely frustrating scary life. I’ve told (not asked) my DS that he’s his father and occasionally he needs to take his father out for 9 holes of golf (even though my husband has no idea where he’s hitting the balls now apparently), plus my DGS takes my DH to the cinema (even though he can’t keep up with films now) or out for a burger in town, but they know I need time alone sometimes ! Maybe your DGC could help like that? I’m resigning myself that when he gets really bad I will look into sending him to day centre and when I can’t cope I will put him into a home . Sounds awful but I’m having to be a bit harder as my mother in law almost killed herself looking after my father in law with dementia, he wouldn’t let her get any help whatsoever, she couldn’t even go to the Doctors and he got violent with her so I had to get him sectioned. My DH felt sorry etc for his DM at the time, but obviously with his own V. Dementia he’s gradually going down the same route and I’m determined I’m not going to become like his own mother did! Please get help, it is out there I’ve found if you shout loud. If you’re dog brings you comfort, keep it as it’s a good excuse to get out for a walk and blow of some steam for you. As for your DGC tell them you NEED help, I found my son actually didn’t realise how bad his dad had got because as you know if there’s visitors and it’s a good day they don’t seem very bad, the children aren’t around all the time to see what we’re putting up with. Look after you too.

Loosing a friend can be devastating & it hurts your heart,I feel so sad for you——— you should see your GP & make an appointment for your husband to see his Dr.
You sound as if you are amazing,but if your grandchildren are old enough let them help,you are doing them a huge favour teaching them how to do some household jobs.Make meals easy just say let’s have pancakes today etc.It is so lovely to be involved with your grandchildren you are making such special memories for them,but just explain to them as we get older we need help,children have empathy.Make lists of what needs doing and try to maybe do just one thing a day,mentally very useful to cross things off the list.When Winter comes can you just heat a few rooms that you use most ? Mainly try to look after yourself,get your hair cut & put on lipstick & jewelry and you are ready for anything ! A dog seems like a lot of work but so worth it for all the love you receive——- everyone has given brilliant advice,the very best of luck & hugs.

Like everyone else here, I do feel for you and send you several big hugs. I have now decided that when family come and need meals, I can do the cooking IF I want to. Otherwise, I tell them in advance and ask them to cook - using whatever ingredients I have (or they can 'order' some in advance to go on my supermarket delivery order). I no longer feel I have to do everything - and I think it works better for everyone. No one is super woman! Lets not try to be her! I do also agree with others, that it would be good to talk to your family about how you are feeling.

Reading this with horror. So glad I do not have a husband, or a dog, or a need to have everything just so. I can relax in my seventies and please myself. Good luck to you all.

Bluedaisy - here is a hug.
Thank goodness you are aware of looking after you a little.
Maybe farview will read your post and (although scary as to the future) will take heart that she can get through this, with help.

to you both - and anyone else going through this terrible time.

You have too much to do and you will have to decide a strategy to get through this. Money is important so that you can pay for help. Make sure you have a care allowance for looking after your husband and if you have a car and are taking him to appointments a blue badge. The Alzheimer society help line will help you sort these two out. Then go on to getting Lasting Power of Attorney for money. I have a cleaner 3 hrs every fortnight. this makes a huge difference to the house. I have a small GTech cordless vacuum leaner to top thing sup if necessary. You have a grandson living with you, perhaps he should be doing more more paying you housekeeping so that you can buy the help you want. I have a BusyBee diary Busy B Busy Life Diary January to December 2023 - A5 Stripe - Week to View Planner with Dual Schedules, Pen holder and Pockets £11.99 from Amazon. Look at it. It has 2 columns for reminders, Anything I cant do this week I put down for next week. I try to have admin periods and days when I go out etc. I also have a white board to put things on I hope to do. You can get this diary now as they do one for academic year as well as one from January.

Sadly dogs cost a lot of money to look after and sometimes it is better to walk a neighbours rather than to own ones own.

Best wishes

Why are so many of you picking on dogs? They don't have to be a lot of work. It's obvious to me that some of you have never had a dog in which case you will never understand how much pleasure and comfort they give. The OP has taken her dog for two one hour long walks per day. It probably needs that amount of walking but she doesn't need to do it every single day. If the truth is told she walks the dog because she enjoys it. It gets her out of the house and away from her OH for a while plus she gets some exercise.

I expect if it's necessary she'll be able to find someone who'd like to walk her dog from time to time.

I've had dogs. I like dogs, generally, and am not picking on them.
But I am realistic enough to know that dogs require work and attention.
They can also be great companions and a comfort as farview has said.

I'm not picking on you Callistemon it's those others!